“To put it bluntly, I don’t think I’m what he needs.”
Nick’s eyebrows jumped. “Not what he needs? That’s not what I saw.”
“Yeah, well. You weren’t there afterwards.”
Nick moved to the edge of the cushion and leaned forwards. “What happened?”
Cal ran a hand through his hair. “Turns out he loved what we were doing, but doesn’t want anything after that. That’s why he keeps going to Market Garden.” Cal clenched his teeth and forced back the lump that tried to rise in his throat. “Because he can pay you guys to go away afterwards.”
Nick’s eyes widened even more. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
Right then, bless the man, Spencer came in with two mugs of tea. Cal blew on his, then took a sip, which helped him collect himself a bit.
Spencer went back into the kitchen, and returned with his own tea. “What’d I miss? I thought things went really well last night.”
“They did.” Nick shook his head. “But apparently James just wants to pay for what Cal is giving him. Pay other guys so they’ll leave afterwards.” He rolled his eyes and then sipped his tea. “What a tool.”
Spencer clicked his tongue. “Sounds like he lives by the same creed as my friend.”
Nick glanced at him and then rolled his eyes again. Into his mug, he muttered, “Fucking Percy . . .”
“What?” Cal cocked his head. “What creed?”
“He lives by the saying that if it flies, drives, or fornicates, it’s cheaper to rent it.” Spencer grimaced sympathetically. “Maybe he thinks it’s simpler too.”
“Maybe.” Cal stared into his mug. “Guess all I need to do now is fucking learn to fly.”
Nick laughed, though it was quiet, and reached out for his shoulder. Cal didn’t turn away. He knew how aware Nick was of space and touch, and this was way too deliberate to be anything but an offer to help, reassure.
“The saying is about cars, not drivers. Planes. And I guess, wives.” Spencer blew over the tea. “I’m sorry, Cal.”
“Well, he did come out of a bad divorce in the last year. I know it hurt him. I know this.”
“And you still hoped.” Nick’s hand grew firmer on his shoulder.
“He’s keeping it all together most of the time. Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe he just can’t deal with it. Maybe I’m just making excuses for a douche bag. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I can’t write, I can’t sleep.” He forced himself to breathe evenly, because although he liked these guys, he didn’t want to end up crying on Nick’s shoulder. Spencer’s, maybe, though strictly speaking he barely knew the man.
“You never told him how you feel, though?”
“I respected that he’s not in the best spot for . . . anything. I don’t want to pressure him, but I . . .” Cal rubbed his neck with both hands. “But I need more than what we’re doing.”
“How long was it again that you’ve worked for him?” Spencer asked.
“Eighteen months and a bit. The marriage was already rocky then. I kept things professional, of course. I didn’t make the first move, that was James. Of course, I should have told him no. Damn. All of this is just . . .”
“Well, I can see how you got there.” Nick squeezed his shoulder again. “And why you’d hope. The chemistry is definitely there. Physical trust. Desire. Most of the good stuff is in place. And you’re pretty talented.”
Cal huffed. “Thanks. Maybe I’ll quit and earn some money feeding some other banker’s driver kink. You think I could do it?”
Nick lifted Cal’s chin, forcing him to look at him. “Do I think you could? You’re capable of it. But you’re not in a place where you should go anywhere near selling your body. You’re too hurt.”
Damn, that nearly did it. Cal swallowed the lump down and wiped his eyes.
“Just because James doesn’t see what a precious gift you’ve given him doesn’t mean you should sell it. It’s part of who you are, a deep, intimate part of you. If you really wanted to, if you weren’t hurt, maybe. I found Spencer that way. But you’re nowhere near ready, Cal, not for that. If you wanted nothing but sex, there are lots of hook-ups and you can have all the subs you want without stooping to the place where James doesn’t think you’re a threat.”
“A threat? I want to be the opposite. I could be a friend. I could be more. Anything he lets me be.”
“I know.” Nick let his chin go. “But it might not happen if he doesn’t come round to understanding what he has in you.”
Cal cleared his throat. “I don’t think I’m going to hold my breath about that happening anytime soon.”
“I’m sorry,” Nick said. “I really thought you guys had something going there.”
“Yeah. Me too.” Cal took another sip of tea, but barely tasted it. “Look, I didn’t mean to come barging in and—”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Spencer smiled. “You’re always welcome here. Just so you know.”
Cal managed to return the smile. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”