Rachel’s gray eyes grew soft. “Dad would love that. Have you told him?”
Julia shook her head. “We were waiting until we told everyone we were expecting.” She glanced in the direction of the living room. “Gabriel is probably asking him right now.”
“Dad won’t say no. Will Rebecca come too?”
“I haven’t thought that far ahead. But it would be a bit ridiculous for one little baby to require three adults to supervise him.”
Rachel regarded her friend. “You haven’t been around babies much, have you?”
“No.”
“You might need Rebecca to keep up the house and to cook for everyone.” Rachel stared at her fingernails. “You and Diane will be able to commiserate about motherhood. We’ll come home for weekends. The baby will be surrounded by family.”
“That’s what we wanted. I’m sorry about the timing. I know you and Aaron have been trying and I feel so—”
“Don’t.” Rachel forced a smile. “I’m happy for you. And I’m going to be the best damn aunt I can be. I’m hoping, someday, you’ll have the chance to be the same to mine.”
“Me, too.”
Julia smiled, a sympathetic sadness twisting in her insides.
That evening, Aaron stood in his wife’s childhood bedroom, which was still decorated with the awards and trophies she’d won in high school. He held her in his arms as she sobbed into his chest.
He felt helpless. He felt impotent.
“Rach,” he whispered, rubbing her back.
“It’s so unfair,” she managed, her hands fisting his shirt. “They didn’t even want a baby! Jules was going to wait until she graduated. I can’t believe this is happening.”
Aaron didn’t know what to say. When Julia announced her good news, he was envious, but not to the degree that Rachel was. After a year of trying to conceive, she was battling depression. He didn’t want to feed it by focusing on the unfairness of life and raising existential questions that might never be answered.
“I know you’re upset, but I need you to calm down.”
“I want my mom.” She pressed her forehead into his shoulder. “She would know what to do.”
“As much as I loved your mother, she wasn’t a miracle worker.”
“But she could give me advice. And I’m never going to see her again.” A fresh round of sobs escaped Rachel’s chest.
“You know that’s not true,” he whispered, rubbing her back once again. “This was a shock, but we have to get over it. People around us are going to have children. You don’t want this to come between you and Julia.”
“It won’t.”
“That’s my girl. So no tears tomorrow.” He pulled away, his face marked with concern.
“I can do that. I gave an Academy Award–winning performance earlier. I wanted to cry as soon as she told me.”
“I don’t want you to act, Rachel. I want you to appear to be okay and I want that to be the truth.”
“But I’m not okay.” She sat on the edge of her bed.
“I want to talk to you about that.” Aaron joined her on the bed. “Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, I’d like us to start thinking about what we have. We have our jobs, we have a nice place to live, we—”
“We have fertility treatments that aren’t working.” Rachel cursed under her breath.
“There are other options. We’ve discussed this.”
“I’m not ready to give up.”
“We don’t have to give up. But maybe we should just relax for a while. Take a break.”
“Take a break?” She peered over at him curiously.
“Stop the fertility treatments and forget about having a baby. Just for a while.”
She crossed her arms around her middle. “No.”
He took her hand in his. “I think the pressure is getting to you.”
“I can handle it.”
“No, baby, you can’t. I know you like I know myself. And I’m telling you, you need a break. We need a break.”
“We’re supposed to try the fertility treatments for a year. We can’t stop now.” Her chin began to wobble.
“Yes, we can.” He brushed his lips across hers. “We’ll talk to the doctor when we’re back in Philadelphia. Then we’re going to take a long vacation. Gabriel promised he’d lend us their house in Italy. We can take some time and just be a normal couple again.”
“What if this is it? What if we can’t . . .” She couldn’t bring herself to say it.
“Then we’ll start looking at other options.” He placed his arm around her. “Whether or not we have a baby, we have each other. That’s something, isn’t it?”
She nodded.
“We need to take care of each other. And I’m not taking care of you if I let you continue like this.”
“I feel like a failure.” Rachel wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“You aren’t,” he whispered. “You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. I would love to have a family with you but not if that journey is going to break you. I’m sorry, but I don’t want kids that much.”