Chapter 23
I walked to the bedroom and fell on my bed. The rage was growing inside me as I gripped my comforter with both hands and screamed. I sat up and looked around my small bedroom. The pain inside me was far worse than I ever imagined it could be. My chest felt heavy, and my shattered heart pierced me from within. I clenched my jaw as my hands gripped the bed. I tore my comforter off my and threw it across the room. I ripped off my sheets and balled them up, so they masked the sounds of my screams. I walked to the kitchen for a glass of water to try to calm down, but threw the glass at the wall and watched as it shattered into tiny pieces like my heart. I looked around. I took my desk and tipped it over as the drawer fell out, and my list was lying on the floor. I picked it up and looked at it. I held in my hand my bucket list. A list of all the things I needed and wanted to do before I died. I crumbled the paper and threw it on the ground.
I went into the bathroom. I was so angry for my life and for what I did to Connor I couldn’t see straight. I reached in the bathtub and grabbed my razor that was sitting on the edge. I took the blade out and held it to my wrist; I was going to end this pain now. I looked at the blade that perfectly matched up with my scar as the memories of that night came flooding back in my mind. I threw the blade down. What the hell was I doing? I fell to ground sobbing as I felt someone’s arms wrap around me.
“It’s ok sweetie; I’m here,” Peyton whispered. She looked down and picked up the blade and then she looked at my wrists, “Jesus Elle.”
We sat on the bathroom floor for what seemed like an eternity. She helped me up and walked me to the bedroom.
“I see you went on a destruction spree.”
I sat on the floor with my knees to my chest as she remade my bed. I felt like I had just had a nervous breakdown; like everything that happened in my life just hit me. Peyton took me by the shoulders and helped me up. She went to my drawer and pulled a night-shirt out and helped me into it. I felt like a rag doll as my arms and legs felt limp. I climbed into my bed as Peyton covered me with the blankets. She scooted next to me and put her arms around me.
“Connor called and told me everything. Elle I’m sorry, and I wish you would have told me about the cancer, but now is not the time to talk about this,” she said as she pushed my hair out of my face. “Get some sleep, I’m not going anywhere, and if you’re up to it, we’ll talk when you wake up.”
I didn’t say a word; I couldn’t. I just shook my head and drifted off into a deep sleep.
I woke up and looked around the room. I sat on the edge of the bed as Peyton walked in. “Finally, you’re awake.”
I yawned and ran my hand through my hair, “How long have I been sleeping?”
She put her hands on her hips and twisted her face as if she didn’t want to tell me, “2 days.”
My eyes widened, “What? 2 days? Peyton, why didn’t you wake me?”
She came over and sat on the edge of the bed, “Sweetie you obviously needed it. When I found you on that bathroom floor, god Elle, I thought you...” She turned her head and looked at the wall.
I lightly took her hand, “I know Peyton and I’m sorry.”
She laid her head on my shoulder, “The only thing that matters is you didn’t. You’re awake now, and you need to eat. Henry made the most delicious chicken noodle soup.”
I looked at her with a frown, “Who’s Henry?”
She tilted her head and smiled, “Dr. Hottie, he’s been here helping me out while you’ve been sleeping.”
I rolled my eyes, “Seriously Peyton, you told him everything?”
“Yeah Elle, I did; we’re seeing each other now, and I needed someone to talk to, besides, he’s been the biggest help.”
I got up and felt light-headed. Peyton grabbed my arm, “You need to eat Elle; it’s been 2 days.”
She helped me to the kitchen. All I could smell is the aroma of the chicken soup, and it was amazing. I didn’t feel like eating, but my body told me I had to. I sat at the table as Peyton set the bowl of soup in front of me, “Eat up.”
“Where’s my phone?” I asked her.
“It’s over on your desk, I charged it for you.”
I walked over and pulled it out of the charger and turned it on. I patiently waited for it to turn on so I could see if Connor texted me or called. There was nothing, not even a voicemail. I should have started crying, but there were no tears left in my eyes.
Peyton sat across from me as I slowly ate the soup Henry had made. “Ellery, why didn’t you tell me about your cancer coming back? I thought we were best friends?”
I couldn’t look at her because I was ashamed. I knew my secret would hurt the people close to me. I’ve already lived it, and I couldn’t go through it again.
“Peyton, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I wanted to tell you, believe me, but I couldn’t bear to stand in front of you and see the look on your face after I told you. It was bad enough I had to tell Kyle.”
She reached over and touched my hand that was resting on the table. “Elle, I would have stood by you and supported you. I seriously cannot understand why you wouldn’t tell me. I get that you were scared, and you didn’t want me to worry, but what were you going to do? Just go off and die alone?”
I got up from the table and sat on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest and burying my head in my hands. “My life has been made up of hurting people Peyton. I need you to understand that. After my mother died, I was left as a reminder of her to my dad, and that hurt him so much, he had to drink himself to death just to cope. Then there was my suicide attempt and cancer.” I could feel the tears starting to spring back to life.
Peyton sat down beside me and put her arm around me pulling me closer. “I do understand where you’re coming from Elle, but do you want to know what I think? I think you made the wrong decision not to tell anyone, especially Connor, and now you have to deal with the consequences. I’m sorry; I don’t mean to kick you while you’re down, but you not telling anyone has caused more pain than if you would have been honest from the beginning.”
I leaned my head on her shoulder, “I’m sorry Peyton; I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“I can and have forgiven you Elle, but you have to promise me that you’ll call the doctor and start treatments right away because…” Peyton started to cry. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”
I turned towards her and hugged her tight. “I’m sorry, and I promise to get help.”
Peyton got up to clean up the kitchen as I went to take a shower. I got dressed and put on my coat.
“Excuse me, where do you think you’re going?” she asked.
“I have a couple of things I need to do.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea that you go anywhere.”
I lightly laughed, “Are you my mother now?”
“No, but I do worry about you and I want you to be safe, Oh god I sound like a mother,” she smiled.
“I won’t be gone long, I promise.”
I walked out the door and headed down the crowded streets. You would think that the coldness of the air would chill my bones, but every part of my existence was already numb.
I walked over to the next block to a church I’ve admired since I moved to New York. I needed to seek solace in the house of God. I had unanswered questions and unfinished business. I reached the steps of the church and pulled open the heavy door that led inside. I have wanted to visit this church since I moved here, but Kyle wasn’t a church fan and wouldn’t go with me.
I looked around at the beauty of the stained glass that overtook the windows and many rows of wooden pews that stood before me. I knelt at one of the pews and said hello to God before I sat down. I stared at the altar as memories of my childhood flashed before my eyes; memories of me sitting in a pew just like this one, in the front row, staring at the large wooden casket that held my mother. My father holding his face crying as strangers all around gave me their sympathetic looks.
A single tear fell from my eye. As I wiped it away, a man in a white robe sat down next to me.
“Good day my child, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Hello father, I’m just here because I have some unfinished business with god.”
He gave me a surprised look, “Unfinished business, huh?”
I looked down and laced my fingers together, “Yeah, I need some questions answered about my life, and I was hoping to get them here.”
The priest sat and listened to me as I told him about my life. I confided in him about my mother and father’s death, my past and recurrent battle with cancer and how I hid the truth from Connor. I didn’t tell him about my suicide attempt, but it wasn’t too hard to hide when I lifted my hand and pushed my hair behind my ear. The priest looked at me and lightly touched my wrist.
“You’re a survivor and god gave you a second chance at life.”
I shook my head, “I know that father, but what good is that second chance if I’m not going to live a full long life?”
He patted my hand softly, “You don’t know you won’t live a full long life, and it doesn’t matter what you went through before; what matters is that you survived it. God won’t give you more than you can handle. He knows you’re strong enough to handle this again.”
I looked down and bit my lip. My emotions were all over the place. “The chemo was awful,” I whispered.
“Chemo isn’t supposed to be fun, but you survived and it made you stronger. What you need to understand is that you refusing to get treatments are just another form of suicide.”
I looked up at his face; my eyes stinging with tears. He was right. I never thought that what I was doing was a form of suicide. He took my hand and patted it once more as he smiled and walked away.