RAOUL SAT AT THE BAR, ignoring the reality show playing on the big TVs around him. Jo’s Bar was quiet tonight, for which he was grateful. He’d tried staying home but he’d been unable to stand the solitude. While he wanted to be out, a crowd would have been too much. There were times when a man needed a little space to get drunk, and this was one of those nights.
He’d started on his second beer when Josh slipped onto the seat next to him.
“Hey,” he said. “Jo called and said you looked like you needed a friend.”
Raoul glanced at the bartender, who gave him a level look as if daring him to challenge her.
“She’s wrong,” he said flatly.
“Doesn’t matter to me,” Josh told him. “Charity’s out. There’s some girl thing going on at Pia’s. They’re making her feel better, which I guess makes you the ass who broke her heart.”
Raoul sipped his beer and kept his gaze on the TV screen. A dozen or so people were bent over sewing machines. What the hell? A show about sewing?
Josh turned toward him. “Did you hear me?”
“I didn’t break her heart. I asked her to marry me. I offered to spend my life with her, to take care of her and the kids. I’m not the bad guy.”
Josh took the beer Jo offered and drank some. “So why are you here and why is she back at her place drowning in Ben & Jerry’s ice cream?”
“She wouldn’t be practical.”
“An impractical woman. There’s a stunner.”
He turned to Josh and saw the raised eyebrow. “You don’t understand. We had a deal. I didn’t change it. I didn’t change anything. I care about her.”
“But?”
“It wasn’t enough.” Raoul drained his glass and pushed it toward the front of the bar. Jo turned her back on him. Typical, he thought grimly. “I wanted to take care of her.”
“Did it ever occur to you that Pia can get all that without you? Right now my wife and several of her friends are reminding her that she’s not alone. Except for the sex, which I doubt was very good, she’s covered.”
Raoul continued to stare at the TV screen. “You know I could take you.”
“In your dreams.”
He thought about taking Josh on, of showing the other man how unprepared he was. But there wasn’t any point. Beating up Josh wouldn’t make the hole inside of him go away.
The bottom line was he missed Pia. She wanted the impossible and he couldn’t give it to her, but he still wanted her in his life. They could have been good together.
“The problem you have,” Josh said conversationally, “is that she was never alone. It took her a while to remember that, but once she did, you became a lot less interesting.”
Raoul turned and glared at him. “Do you think that’s why she left? She loves me, you hothead.”
Josh’s expression turned satisfied. “I’d wondered if you’d caught that. You’re right. She loves you. Like most women, she’s not willing to settle. She wants it all. That’s what women specialize in—demanding every scrap of humanity we have. Our hearts, our souls and our balls. You can fight it, my friend, but I’ve learned it’s a whole lot smarter to hand it all over quietly. They’re going to win in the end and if you resist, you only end up having to beg more.” He took another drink. “Unless you don’t love her.”
I don’t.
Raoul started to say the words but couldn’t. He knew that was the real problem. If he could convince himself that he’d only been doing a good thing, something noble and important, the rejection was easier. That’s how this whole problem had started. It should have been easy to forget her.
But it wasn’t and that bothered him. Because it meant there was a possibility that Pia was more than a project, more than a way to get what he wanted without having to risk anything.
Without saying goodbye, he tossed a twenty on the bar and left. Once outside, he sucked in the cold night air, then started walking. But instead of heading to his rental, he crossed the street and went by Pia’s apartment building.
Most of the units were dark, except for one on the top floor. A window was partially open and he heard the sound of voices and laughter drifting down to him.
She wasn’t alone. While the information wasn’t news, the proof of it made him feel better. He didn’t want her to be by herself. He didn’t want her to suffer. He’d really been trying to take care of her. Maybe he’d gone about it in an unconventional way, but he wasn’t the bad guy in this.
And neither was she.
He stood there for a long time before turning around and heading to his own place. The echo of the laughter stayed with him, making him feel more alone than he ever had before. He missed her. Even if he couldn’t be with her, surely he could talk to her. Explain.
Explain what? That his way was better? The truth was Pia deserved more, and that’s what ate him up inside. She’d been right to walk away from him, to demand more. He respected her, admired her, wanted her…
But for the rest of it—she needed more than he had left to give.