She started again in a deep voice, "I didn't know what I was doing." No. That wasn't right. I shook my head, ready to tell her that when she added, "I was wrong that night. I killed my children inside of me and you were taking care of me. I was grieving, Sam, and I was keeping it a secret. I knew what they thought. They wanted me to go to counseling, but it wasn't my life that I wanted to end. It was theirs, but then you were there and they weren't. They said if I killed you, they'd come back."
I gulped and doubled over. Scorching pain ripped through me. It was as if she threw a pot of boiling water on me, drenching me. I couldn't breathe.
Her voice sounded strangled. "I went mad, Samantha. I knew it was wrong, but I kept hurting you. I forced myself to stop. I had to. I knew they wouldn't come back, and they told me that they'd leave me again if I didn't stop hitting you."
Oh god. She heard them? "You talked to them?"
Her face was closed off to me. She seemed void from all emotion. "I know they weren't real. I know I was imagining them standing there. But they comforted me. They still loved me , even though I killed them. That couldn't be imaginary, could it?"
"And that's why you stopped?"
She lifted a shoulder in a shrug. It was so easy for her. Hurting her child was something to shrug about. I couldn't believe her. Who was this woman? Then I asked, gutted, "Did you ever love me?"
She frowned. "Of course, honey."
"But—what?"
Then she looked away as her eyes grew vacant. The distant expression came over her and her voice softened. "I did two horrible things to both of my babies. I hurt them and I hurt you, but I learned from both mistakes. I will never have children again. James is my life now. I am dedicated to becoming a good wife to him, the best wife I could possibly be, and I know he misses his boys. I know I'm the reason they're not with him. It's why I responded to your text message. I knew you wanted a compromise."
She was insane. I had no other thoughts. This was my mother? This was a stranger.
She nodded, satisfied now. "I'll do as you say. You can move back in. I'll stay away. I will only focus on James and being his wife. I will stay away from you, and from Mason and Logan. You're right. They should be with their father. James feels the same. He wants his boys back. He knows he can't stop your relationship with Mason. You can all live here. That's fine with us."
Madness. That was all I could think as I gaped at this woman, but then I cleared my head. I still needed answers. "I remember being questioned by social services, but I was never taken from you." I never remembered being in the hospital. "Why not?"
Another shrug. Again. "You told them that some girls from school came to the house, and that I found you like that. I supported your story and David never knew. He suspected. I knew that, but I never hurt you again. I put it all behind me and we were fine for years after that."
"Until you started cheating on him. Again."
She nodded, but didn't respond. It wasn't worth commenting about.
I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe her. "What about Garrett? What did you threaten him with?"
"Oh." A smile this time. For some reason, he got a smile while I seemed an after-thought to her. "I didn't say much, but I told him I would make you hate him. He didn't believe me, so I went and visited his ex-wife. I told her Garrett still loved her and he loved her when he was with me. I told her all about Helen and made her sound so evil that she'd never allow him to go back to her; therefore he wouldn't be allowed to see you. It worked." She grinned to herself and chuckled even. "I didn't think it would work, but I guess it did. He hasn't even called for you, Samantha."
A shiver ran down my spine as she said my name.
Before I could launch myself at her and do to her what she had done to me, I shoved back the chair. I couldn't feel my legs. I couldn't feel anything. I blinked and then turned away. I didn't remember leaving the house, but I stopped in the driveway. I had driven my car. James was standing beside it in his pajamas and a robe. He was frowning at my car with the morning paper in his hand. When he looked up, his frown deepened. The sun had started to rise, I wasn't sure the time, but I knew it was early.
"Mason and Logan will never move back without me." My own voice jarred me. It sounded haunted. "And Helen would make Logan leave, you know that."
His frown only deepened further.
"I fixed it. I'll move back in here with them."
His eyes grew bleak.
I kept going as my chest tightened, "I won't let them hurt her either."
He rasped out, "They won't do it."
"I'll make them do it."
Then he nodded and looked away. "I'm sorry, Samantha, I'm sorry for everything you've gone through."
I frowned. Why was he saying this to me?
"I love your mother very much and I want to help her. I can't help my family anymore, and I can't help my marriage anymore. It was my fault that Helen left me. It was my fault my family was torn apart. I won't let that happen again. I can help your mother. I really can, and I'm going to. I love her and I'm going to stay with her, no matter what."
He had no idea what he was getting himself into, but I kept my mouth shut. It was his life. It was his decision.
She'd make him miserable.
I didn't get in my car. I ran home instead.