Chapter Twenty-One
Holding Maddie, I couldn’t unlock the door, so I had to ring the doorbell. Thankfully Mom, rather than Greg, answered the door. At the sight of me carrying an unconscious Maddie in my arms like Fabio in some trashy romance novel cover, her eyes widened. “What in the world?” she demanded.
“She got drunk at Blaine’s party and passed out,” I grunted as I stepped through the foyer.
Mom slapped my arm. “Noah! How could you let her get drunk?”
I rolled my eyes. “Jesus Mom, I didn’t force her to drink it.”
“Don’t say, ‘Jesus’,” she admonished.
“Whatever.”
“Well, you should’ve been watching her better.”
“Presley needed to talk to me,” I replied.
Mom arched a dark eyebrow skeptically at me.
“Yes, she really needed to talk to me,” I said.
Mom sighed. “Get her settled on the couch and then you and I are going to have a long talk about this party,” she ordered, in a no-nonsense tone.
I didn’t argue. Instead, I gently laid Maddie down on the couch. I pulled the mauve throw off the back and draped it over before rubbing her cheek tenderly When I turned around, Mom’s expression had completely changed. Instead of being in a pissed Rambo mode, she was gaping at me.
“What?” I asked.
“You love her,” she murmured.
My eyes bulged. “No, I, uh…shit!”
Mom smiled knowingly at me. “Yes, you do. I can’t believe I didn’t see it until just now.”
Maddie stirred on the couch, and I stiffened. “Can we please discuss this somewhere else?”
Mom nodded and motioned for the sun room. I followed her out there and shut the door behind me.
“There’s nothing wrong with you loving her, honey” Mom said, softly.
“I know that.”
“Then why are you fighting it so much?”
Grimacing, I jerked a hand through my hair. “Because….of Jake.”
Mom’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What does Jake have to do with Maddie?”
“Everything,” I muttered before plopped down in a wicker chair across from Mom. “You know that night that Mr. Nelson and I were in Jake’s room?”
She nodded.
“Well, we found something that was pretty shocking.” From the look on her face, I could tell my mom was preparing herself for anything considering it was Jake. “It was an engagement ring.”
Well, maybe she hadn’t prepared herself for that. “What?” she questioned in a high, pitched shriek.
I nodded. “Yeah. He had the box wrapped up in the song lyrics to You Were Always on My Mind”.
“But who in the world was Jake in love with?”
I drew in a painful, ragged breath. “Maddie.”
Mom widened her eyes. “You can’t be serious! Jake Nelson, who was never faithful to a girl for over five minutes, was in love with a preacher’s daughter?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know how. Why do any two people fall in love? It just happens.”
“You’re right, sweetie. That was a silly question.” Mom cocked her head in thought. “And I suppose Jake did have his good points.”
“And he changed,” I admitted.
“He did?”
“Yeah, in the last few months of his life. Then he’d also told me he’d fallen in love, but he wouldn’t tell me who because he hadn’t told the girl yet. I just never imagined it was Maddie.”
She leaned forward and took my hand in hers. “But did Maddie love Jake?”
Even though I knew the answer, I didn’t want the words to leave my lips. “Yes, she did,” I murmured.
“And does Maddie love you?”
My gaze snapped to meet Mom’s. “What?”
Mom smiled. “You heard me.”
I got up from the chair and started pacing around. “I don’t know if she does or not. I mean, I know she loved Jake—she probably still does. Jesus, what kind a friend am I to hit on my dead best friend’s girl?”
“But she wasn’t his girl, Noah,” Mom protested.
“Yeah, she was. He may not have openly acknowledged it as well as he should, but he loved her. I thought he was incapable of loving anyone but himself, but I was wrong.”
“Have you talked to Maddie about any of this?”
“No.”
“You haven’t told her about the ring?”
I couldn’t help squirming in my seat under Mom’s intense glare. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I was waiting. I wanted to be sure it was her before I said anything.”
Mom raised her eyebrows. “Waiting for what? For Maddie to realize she liked you instead of Jake?”
I stared her before blinking a few times in disbelief. How in the hell could she see through me so well? “Maybe,” I muttered.
Crossing her arms over her chest, Mom said, “I’m guessing you’ve known the ring belonged to Maddie for a long time, but you didn’t want to tell her.”
“Yeah,” I muttered.
“But why?”
“Cause I’m a selfish prick!” I exclaimed rising out of my chair.
Mom didn’t bother chastising my language. She knew I was too upset. “Honey, you have to tell her about Jake. But most of all, you have to tell her how you feel about her.”
I raised my eyebrows. “And just what am I supposed to say? ‘Oh by the way, Maddie, deep down, Jake was in love with you. How do I know? Oh, because he bought you a fat diamond engagement ring. But I guess it’s a good thing he’s dead because guess what? I’m in love with you’!”
Mom gave me an exasperated look. “No, I think you can do it better than that.”
I sunk back down in the chair. “I’ve never…felt this way about anybody like I do Maddie. I’m…afraid.”
“Of being shot down?”
“Of losing her,” I murmured.
Mom sat down beside me. Her eyes welled with tears. “Oh sweetie, I’ve always wanted you to be in love with someone. I was so afraid I’d caused you to be jaded and bitter towards love. I’m so happy you’ve found it. But more than anything in the world, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said. Then I shook my head. “But you’re right. I have to tell Maddie the truth. It isn’t fair keeping all this from her. She deserves better than that.” I glanced back at the living room. “As soon as she wakes up, I’ll tell her.”
Mom smiled. “Good. You’ll feel better when you do.” We stood up to start inside, but Mom doubled over. “Ouch!”
“Are you okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah, your little sister gets temperamental this time of night. She must be hungry.”
I stared at her belly. “Want to feel her?” Mom questioned.
Not just no, but HELL NO! screeched in my mind, but I bit my tongue. “Um, uh…” I finally muttered.
Mom laughed. “Only if you want to, Noah. I’m not going to make you do it.”
I forced a smile to my lips as I prepared to conquer the unknown. “Sorry. It’s just kinda weird thinking about it, but yeah, why not. I’ll do it.”
She took my hand in hers and placed in on a particular spot. I felt a tiny bump, bump under the surface. I glanced up at Mom. “She’s pretty strong.”
“Yes, she is.”
“By those kicks, I guess she’s going to be the one to inherit the Sullivan sports gene that I obviously missed out on,” I mused.
“You didn’t miss out on the sports gene. You simply chose not to do it.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t you remember playing T-Ball?”
“Yeah, and I sucked.”
Mom shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You were one of the best players on the team.”
“I was?”
“Yes, you were.”
“Then why did I quit?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you were afraid of not measuring up to your father, or maybe you were afraid of hurting me. Who knows. Sometimes we just have two sides to us, Noah. One that we’re willing to let the world see, and then the other that we hide deep within ourselves.”
Mom’s words cut me to my soul. Maybe Jake and I weren’t so different. He had hid a side of himself from everyone—except for Maddie and Pastor Dan. So why would it be so crazy to think I’d done the same thing with the part of me that was like my dad.
Mom smiled. “As for your sister, she’s not hiding her ability to be an accomplished dancer—I’m getting a tap dancer vibe.”
“Maybe.”
“Do you know I can remember the first time I felt you kick?”
I raised my eyebrows. “You do?”
Mom nodded. “It was right after your father told me he didn’t love me, and he wasn’t going to marry me.”
“Seriously?”
“He’d strung me along for a few months after I told him I was pregnant. Then he finally leveled with me. I was crying so hard and all the sudden I felt you.” Tears welled in Mom’s eyes, and she smiled. “It was like you were telling me in your own little way that you’d always be here for me—no matter what happened.”
Wow, I was kinda overwhelmed. “Mom…”
She waved me away with her hand. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m on hormone overload right now.”
“Well, that’s true, but I wanted to say-” I drew in a deep breath. “I wanted to say thanks.”
Mom’s eyebrows furrowed together. “For what?”
“You know—for having me and for always loving me, no matter what.”
My declaration sent Mom’s hormones skyrocketing. She was laughing and crying at the same time as she pulled me into her arms. “How did I get such a wonderful son?”
I fought the urge to argue with her that deep down I was a real shit. A real screwed up mess and a half-assed version of a man. But I kept my mouth shut.
Mom patted my back. “All right, I think that’s enough on the shows of affection. We need to get to bed.”
After we walked back into the living room, Mom eyed Maddie’s damp cami and underwear. “Let me get something to put on her. She’d die of mortification to wake up in the morning half-naked.” She turned and headed down the hall to her bedroom.
I sat down on the couch next to Maddie, watching her sleep. Her hair was still wet from swimming. As I pushed a stray strand away from her face, my heart thudded in my chest.
Mom came back with a gown. She gave me a look. “Even though you’ve practically seen everything, you can have the decency to turn your back.”
“Well, I haven’t gotten to see everything,” I countered, shooting Mom a sly smile.
She rolled her eyes. “God, what a typical man thing to say.” She motioned to Maddie. “You can pull her up for me before you turn around.”
“If you insist,” I replied. I peeled back the blanket and gently grabbed Maddie’s shoulder’s pulling her forward. Once Mom held Maddie’s shoulders, I turned my head, so I wouldn’t get a glimpse at her bare breasts after Mom pulled off the cami. At the sound of the fabric smacking to the floor, I jumped. I waited until I knew Mom had pulled the pale blue gown over Maddie’s head. Once she was clothed, I eased Maddie back down on the couch and covered her up. She didn’t stir once.
Mom started for the stairs but then stopped. “Coming?”
I shook my head. “I want to stay downstairs with her in case she wakes up in a strange place and freaks out.”
She gave me a skeptical look, and I rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, Mom! Give me a little credit that I’m not going to molest a passed out girl!”
Mom nodded. “All right. Goodnight then. Come and get me if you need anything.”
“Okay.”
I sat listening to Maddie’s small snores for what felt like an eternity. Each time I would almost doze off, my mind would begin whirling again, and I would wake up. I’d probably been asleep maybe an hour when I snapped wide awake. There was something I needed to do, so I grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
It was after four am when I pulled into Rolling Gardens. I’d never been to a cemetery at night before. I guess I had this freaky image of skeletons or zombies busting out of graves doing highly choreographed dance moves like in Michael Jackson’s Thriller. I was relieved when I found everything quiet as the dead, no pun intended. I grabbed my flashlight out of the dashboard and started the walk towards mausoleum.
Once I reached the bronze plaque baring Jake’s name, I cleared my throat. “Hey, man,” I said, my voice echoing a little off the marble walls. “Yeah, I realize you’re probably wondering what’s gotten my ass out at this time of night, least of all what I’m doing here in the cemetery talking to your ashes.”
Kicking at a blade of grass with my toe, I added, “I’m kinda wondering the same thing myself. But let me tell you something buddy, things have been pretty f*cked up since you died. I mean, there’s all this drama shit going on. Yeah, I know—when is there not drama, but seriously, you left one more freakin’ mess when you blew out of here.” I glanced up at the bronze plaque as a chill went over me. I shuddered and shook my head. “Sorry dude about that last line.”
I sat down on the bench bearing his name. “Listen, man, I just wanna say I’m sorry about the whole Presley thing. I would’ve never made out with her and almost gotten off had I known she was…pregnant.” Another shudder ricocheted through my body. “And what’s up with that? You found out that weekend, and you couldn’t even call me and tell me what was going on? That was some epic news man—shit that your best friend deserved to know! Best friends are supposed to talk to each other—tell each other about things. Not leave freakin’ cryptic text messages and shit!”
With my blood pumping, I hopped off the bench. “And there’s one more thing, and that’s Maddie!” I cried, my voice rising a little. “I mean, what the hell was that all about? You loved her, you dickhead, didn’t you?”
I threw my hands up in exasperation. “And you thought you couldn’t tell me? I was your best friend, you douchebag! I had a right to know who you were in love with—not get some bullshit answer like, ‘I’ll tell you when I tell her’. I had a right to know you had some semblance of a heart. But what do you do? You hide her away like you were ashamed of her or something. What a dumbass!” The ache in my chest tightened, and I rubbed the place over my heart, trying to get rid of it.
I stepped forward. “Maddie is—amazing. She’s beautiful and sweet and kind and way too good for you! If you loved her, how could you not tell her every single day? Seriously dude, she deserved better!”
I started to stalk away, but then I stopped. I turned back as tears welled in my eyes. “Hey man, I gotta be honest. I deserved better, too.” Wiping my eyes, I added, “All those years through all your bullshit, I was by your side. Even though most of the time you treated me like crap, I was still there. When your dad was an ass, when you needed homework help, or a DD, I WAS THERE! But what about you, huh? Living some double life, going on mission trips, and volunteering and then lying about the whole damn thing! What the hell? Yeah, you were really acting like a Christian, man! WWJD, right? Well, I guarantee you Jesus wouldn’t be panty chasing and getting drunk every other night!”
I dried my eyes. “Yeah, I know what you’d say right now. What about me, huh? Yeah, I’ll admit I haven’t actually been playing fair. I’ve scammed on your girl, right? Well, it’s over. I’m telling her the truth about the ring just as soon as she wakes up. And if she wants you, I’ll walk away, man. You can have her in life and in death. But I am going to tell her how I feel. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from your death, it’s to be honest with the people you love.”
Turning on my heels, I headed down the hill to my Jeep. When I got there, I stood with my hand hovering over the door handle. I mean, what the hell was I doing here? What had possessed me to come out to the cemetery in the middle of the night to yell at Jake? Did I think he was going to talk back? I thought by confronting him in some way, I’d feel better. But I didn’t.
I shook my head and climbed inside the Jeep. Making a right out of the cemetery, I started the drive over to Jake’s house. It was almost five when I pulled into the driveway, but I didn’t care. I marched right up the steps and rang the doorbell.
The A*shole answered the door in his robe. He raised his eyebrows. “Good morning, Noah. Nice to see you up so early on a Saturday morning,” he muttered, sarcastically.
“Yeah, I know it’s early, but I need the ring.”
“Why?”
“Because I know who it belongs to.”
His expression softened. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”
He held open the door for me, and I stepped inside the foyer.
Mrs. Nelson appeared on the landing of the stairs. “Martin, who was at the door?”
“It’s Noah, Ev,” he replied.
She hurried down the stairs. “Is something wrong, Noah?”
“No, Mrs. Nelson. I’m sorry to wake you guys up so early, but I came by for the ring.”
“So you know who it belongs to?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Who is it?” the A*shole pressed.
I drew in a breath. I realized once I spoke the name, I couldn’t deny it or take it back. “It’s Maddie Parker,” I finally replied.
The A*shole literally gasped. “Pastor Dan’s daughter? The one who was tutoring Jake?”
“Yes.”
“That’s unbelievable.”
With a shrug, I replied, “That’s what I thought, but the more I’ve been with her, the more I see what he saw in her. The fact that he hid her away kinda goes along with the song lyrics too.”
Mrs. Nelson didn’t say anything. She appeared deep in thought. Finally, she glanced up at me. “Thank you so much, Noah. I know this wasn’t an easy undertaking.”
I wheezed out a frustrated breath. “No, it wasn’t. In fact it was pure hell.”
She gave a bark of a laugh before motioning me with her hand. “Come on up, and I’ll get it for you.”
I followed her up the stairs and then turned down the familiar hallway to Jake’s room. It was just the way it had been the last time I’d been in there. When she saw the look on my face, Mrs. Nelson smiled. “Martin wants me to pack up everything, but I just can’t. Not now.”
I merely nodded. She opened Jake’s top dresser drawer and took out the ring box. She handed it to me along with the song lyrics. It weighed much heavier in my palm than it should have.
“There’s something else I want you to take, Noah,” she said. She went over to Jake’s closet and took out a bag. “This is what he had with him at his grandparents when he was killed.” She dug among some possessions until she pulled out an ordinary notebook and handed it to me. “I think you’ll find some of the reading interesting.”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “I will?”
She nodded. “Jake was always a complicated little boy. A lot more than Jonathan or Jason. I shouldn’t be surprised that his teenage life was complicated too.”
I didn’t know what to say. She was trying to tell me something, but I was too physically tired and emotionally spent to understand. I merely bobbed my head and started toward the door.
“Noah?” she called.
I whirled around. “Yes, Mrs. Nelson?”
She stared down at her hands. “Tell Presley we’d very much like to see her, and we certainly want to be a part of our grandchild’s life.”
The wind left my body, and I collapsed back against the door frame. “Excuse me?”
Mrs. Nelson jerked her head up to give me a genuine smile. “You know what I’m talking about.”
The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, and I just wanted to be out of there. “Okay, I will,” I replied. Then I bolted from the room. I sprinted down the stairs, not even calling a goodbye to the A*shole who was standing in the foyer.
I don’t think I took a breath until I was safely inside my Jeep. Instead of heading home, I drove down to the cul-de-sac below Jake’s house. I grabbed the notebook and flipped it open. The first couple of pages were notes and homework from school. Some of it was in Jake’s handwriting and others were in Maddie’s. I was half-way through the notebook and wondering why the hell Mrs. Nelson wanted me to have it when I came across the note.
Dear Maddie,
I know you’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter. I’m surprised myself that this dumb jock is actually putting thoughts down on paper. But you shouldn’t be surprised though. It’s your influence, I know.
I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve screwed up. I know you hate that word—but trust me, it’s the only one that can fully describe what a mess I’ve made of my life. The bad thing is what I’ve done affects us. I got some news today that pretty much floored me. I’m going to be a father, Maddie. Presley is pregnant, and it’s mine. I know that for sure.
I don’t know if you know how much I love you, Maddie. You probably don’t since I’ve been such an a*shole and kept it all inside. I’ve always hoped that deep down you knew—that you felt it when we were together. If you didn’t, I’m so sorry. I can blame anything and everything, but in the end, it’s all my fault. I should have told you. I wish I would have said all the things that were inside me. I wish I’d made you mine, but I didn’t. And I’m still being a coward because instead of doing it to your face, I’m giving you a letter instead.
I can never thank you enough for what you’ve meant in my life. You didn’t make me a better person. Instead, you dragged the real me out—even if it was only for short periods of time. I wish I had your courage, Maddie. Don’t ever let people make you doubt yourself, and don’t ever forget what an awesome girl you are.
I don’t want you to ever think any of this was your fault. To question if we had allowed ourselves to go to the next level, would this have happened? Don’t ever do that, Maddie. I love you too much for you to blame yourself for my stupid and irresponsible actions. I also loved you too much to take the gift that wasn’t mine to take. The truth is you’re too good for me, and you deserve someone better—someone like my buddy, Noah, who would worship you each and every day you were together—”
I stopped reading and gasped. My breathing came in erratic pants. Tears burned and blurred my vision, and it was several long minutes before I could start reading again.
I know this sounds like good-bye, and it is in a way. I know you’ll never have me after this—after I’ve cheated on you in the way I have. Yeah, we weren’t an official couple, but I should have told you months ago that I had feelings for you. But it’s okay; I understand. For once in my life, I’m going to do the right thing. I’m going to support Presley, and I’m going to be a father to our child.
No matter what happens, I’ll always love you—you’ll always be on my mind.
Love Jake
I must’ve stared at the letter for twenty minutes after I read it. I read it and reread it—trying desperately to let each and every word sink in. I couldn’t believe he’d mentioned me—that he’d suggested I’d be somebody who would love Maddie. How in the world could he have known that?
Most of all, he was stepping aside. For the first time in his life, Jake was really being a man. He was taking responsibility for his actions. More than that, he was actually making sacrifices for somebody—two people in fact. “Dammit!” I cried, banging my fist against the steering wheel. It wasn’t right he was gone. Just when he had gotten his shit together, he’d been taken away, and it wasn’t f*cking fair. There was a baby who would never know his or her father, and Presley would have to truly be a single mother.
It hit me like a train charging through my chest that Mrs. Nelson had known. She’d read the notebook, and she’d known. More than that, she hadn’t told the A*shole. I started to wonder why in the hell she hadn’t told me. Then I imagined she felt there was some purpose in this quest—something more for me to discover than just her. It was then I realized how wise Mrs. Nelson had been. I’d discovered so much about Jake, but I’d discovered a lot more about myself. And she’d wanted that for me. Just as Jake was an adopted member of my family, I was of hers—well, to everyone but the A*shole.
As the first streaks of amber and orange made their way across the morning sky, I knew I needed to head home. I was exhausted—mentally and physically. The house was still and quiet when I walked through the door. Maddie was still sleeping.
I eased down in the floor beside her. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Should I give her the ring and leave things the way they were? Should I give her the ring and the letter and tell her how much I loved her? Dammit, why was my life so complicated!
My head started to dip as I nodded off. At the sound of a soft moan, my eyes snapped open to see Maddie waking up. Her eyelids fluttered as her head slowly moved from side to side. When she opened her eyes, she frantically scanned the room.
“It’s okay. You’re at my house,” I whispered.
At the sound of my voice, she bolted up on the couch—causing the blanket to fall away. The perv in me couldn’t help but noticing how sexy she looked with her hair all wild and the way the satiny spaghetti straps of the gown hung loose on her shoulders. Then I remembered it was my mother’s gown. Damn, a psychiatrist would have a field day with me.
“Noah, what am I doing here?”
“You got drunk at the party, and you passed out. I knew I couldn’t take you home, so I brought you here.”
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I-I got d-drunk?” she stammered.
“Yes, you did.”
“Oh no,” she moaned, her face flushing.
“It’s okay, Maddie. It happens sometimes.”
“Not to me it doesn’t!”
“Well, it did last night.”
Raking her hand through her unkempt hair, Maddie moaned, “But your mom—she must think I’m terrible!”
“Actually, she was more pissed at me.”
She stared down at her hands. That was when she noticed the gown, and she gasped. “M-My clothes?”
I sighed. “The truth?”
“Yes!” she screeched.
“You took them off at the party.”
Mortification filled her face as Maddie covered her mouth with her hand. “I did?”
“Everybody went swimming in Blaine’s pond. When we got here, my mom put the gown on you.”
Maddie nodded. She absentmindedly traced the outline of the design on the blanket. “Um, did I…did we…?”
I held my hands up defensively. “No, of course not.”
Surprise flashed in her eyes. “We didn’t?”
My lips formed a crooked grin. “I’d like to think if you’d been with me, you’d remember it,” I teased.
“Noah,” Maddie pleaded.
I knew I didn’t have to tell her anything about what went on the night before because she would never remember any of it, but I’d been lying to her for so long that I wanted to level with her. “We kissed.”
“Oh we did?”
“Yes,” I answered dutifully. “In case you’re wondering, it was pretty amazing.”
“It was?” Maddie questioned in a whisper.
“Yeah.”
She stared up into my eyes and then smiled slightly. “I wish I could remember.”
I returned her smile. “I wish you could. Maybe we’ll give it a try again.”
Her face flushed again, but she did nod her head. “Did anything else happen?”
Oh f*ck. She would have to ask that. Playing with a thread on my shirt, I finally replied, “A little.” When her eyebrows shot up, I quickly replied, “Just a little second base action.” I decided to pace myself and not totally freak her out by admitting I’d gotten to third.
“Did I enjoy it too?”
I snapped my gaze to hers. “I think you did,” I murmured.
“Good.”
We sat staring at each other for a moment before I cleared my throat. “Maddie, I really need to talk to you about something. But first, why don’t you get a shower, and I’ll fix us some breakfast?”
“Okay.”
I took her upstairs. I quickly detoured past my bathroom—afraid for her to see what a slob I was—and got her set up in the guest bathroom. “I’ll leave your clothes outside the door for you.”
“Thanks, Noah.”
When I heard the water turn on, I went back downstairs and out to the Jeep. I quickly fluffed her wrinkled clothes in the dryer along with her underwear, which I tried not to ogle for too long, and then I took them back upstairs.
I met Mom in the hallway. “Morning, honey.”
“Morning.”
“I’ll go start on breakfast, okay?”
I nodded and followed her back downstairs. Mom whipped up a quick batch of bacon, eggs, and toast. She had just finished when Maddie walked shyly into the kitchen. “Good morning, Maddie,” Mom said.
Maddie smiled weakly. “Good morning, Mrs. Anderson.” Playing with the hem on her shirt, she stared down at the kitchen floor. “I want to apologize about my behavior last night,” she began.
Mom shook her head. “No need to apologize. We all have our moments. It doesn’t change who we really are.”
Maddie jerked her head up in surprise as Mom’s answer. A pleased expression formed on her face as she eased into a seat at the kitchen table. Mom made small talk with us through breakfast, but I could tell both Maddie and I were anxious to be alone. As soon as she put her napkin on her plate, I stood up. “Wanna go for a walk before I take you home?”
Maddie nodded. “Thank you for the delicious breakfast and letting me stay last night,” she said politely.
Mom smiled. “You’re welcome.”
I led Maddie outside through the glass door. We walked out in the backyard, and I steered her over to the swing. It was shady there under a canopy of trees.
“So what is it you want to talk to me about?”
I stared into her eyes. “I’ve not been honest with you.”
“About what?”
“Jake.”
Maddie’s brows rose in surprise. “What do you mean?”
I sighed. “Remember that night you and I took Jake’s things down to the funeral home?”
She nodded.
“Well, earlier that night, Mr. Nelson and I found something in Jake’s room. Something he was meaning to give to the girl he truly loved.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring box. I leaned over and gently put it in her hands. “It was wrapped in the lyrics to You Were Always on My Mind.”
Maddie gasped as he cracked open the box and stared down at the diamond. “I don’t believe it.”
“You should because it was meant for you.” My heart constricted in my chest as I added, “And you were meant for him.” Maddie snapped her gaze from the ring to me, and I nodded. “He loved you, Maddie.”
“How can you be sure?”
I slowly took the rolled up notebook out of my back pocket. I flipped it to his letter and handed it to her. Without another word, I got up off the swing. Leaning back against a tree trunk, I watched her devour the words on the page. Tears welled in her eyes. When she finished, she gazed up at me.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Nodding, she wiped her eyes. “It’s just hard to believe, that’s all. I mean, he hinted at things along the way, but there was nothing definite. But know, actually reading his words—actually knowing but not being able to do anything about it…”
She started sobbing. I eased back on the swing and took her into my arms. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but frankly, it was a real bitch. Her tears wet through my shirt, and as I held her, my mind was clear. There were no impure thoughts that would send me into overdrive. All I cared about was comforting her.
After a while, she pulled away from me. “Presley’s really pregnant?”
“Yes, she is.”
Maddie moaned. “I loved him and he loved me, but she’s having his baby. How much more screwed up could this get!”
“So you really loved him, huh?” I asked.
She stared at me in surprise. “I cared for him very much, and I loved him as a friend. But yes, I think I did love him. Why?”
I shook my head. “Never mind,” I mumbled as I got up from the swing.
“Noah, wait!” she cried, grabbing me by the sleeve. “What did you mean when you said you hadn’t been honest with me?”
Shit. I was hoping she’d be so overwhelmed with grief she’d forgotten I mentioned that. I ran my hand through my hair. “Mrs. Nelson asked me to find the girl for Jake. For a long time, I thought it was you—then after that night in the coffeehouse, I knew it was you. But I—I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want you to belong to him!”
“You didn’t?”
The blood boiled in my veins as I thought of losing her, and it turned over to white hot anger. “No, I didn’t. He was a jerk, Maddie. Can’t you see that? Hiding you away, dating other girls, screwing other girls. You deserved better!”
“He might have been a jerk sometimes, but he was trying to change. And at the end, he’d stopped partying and sleeping around,” she protested.
“Oh big deal!”
“For him it was a big deal. And just because he couldn’t tell me how he felt, doesn’t make his feelings any different.”
“How can you say that? If it had been me, I would have told you every day how much I loved you. There wouldn’t have been a day that passed by without me admitting how many times I thought about you, missed you, or wanted to feel you in my arms!”
Maddie stared at me in shock.
“Love isn’t just about words in freakin’ song lyrics. It’s about actions, too.”
“You aren’t any different!” she cried, before turning on her heels and starting to stalk away.
I stared at her retreating form for a minute. “Excuse me?” I called.
She whirled around and shook her head at me. “You say if it was you that you would have told me all those things, but you wouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because you haven’t!”
My heart jolted in my chest.
Maddie stepped toe to toe with me. She jerked her chin up. “So tell me. Stand before me right now and tell me all those things you would if I was yours.”
Suddenly, I felt like an old black and white movie I’d seen. This dude morphed into a totally different person. When I spoke the next time, it was like a stranger was speaking. It weirded me out. “Why? So you can go back to your memories of Jake? So you can accept me because I’m alive when all along you’ll wish I was him!”
“No, I would never do that,” Maddie protested.
“Don’t be so sure.”
Maddie thrust the notebook at me. “So are you calling Jake a liar? It’s all right here. He said you were the one for me—the one who would adore me.”
I stared at the notebook, refusing to answer.
“Yeah, maybe Jake was a jerk for treating me the way he did, but at least he realized what he’d done wrong and was trying to make it right. And in case you missed it, this was good-bye. If Jake had lived, there would have been never been an us—no matter how he truly felt about me.”
Maddie’s expression softened as she touched my arm. “Just admit to me that you’ve changed—for the better. I mean since we’ve been friends, look at all you’ve done. You’ve connected with your father, you’ve accepted your mom’s remarriage and a baby on the way, and Josh—” her voice broke. “You were able to connect with him on a level that surprises me.”
My emotions were churning. I knew what I wanted to do, but something inside wouldn’t let me. Some part of myself that I’d overcome was slowly weaning its way back. Suddenly, I understood Jake completely. I understood how he couldn’t truly be himself. There was always that a*shole part that played out. I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was to shut down and turn on her.
“What is this shit, huh? What is this desire of yours to “fix” everyone?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh come off it, Maddie. It’s a plain as day. What is your prerequisite for a guy? Does he have to be some screwed up, emotional jackass before you’ll give him the time of day?”
“No! That’s not true!” she argued.
“It looks that way to me. You found Jake and fixed him up. Seems like you’ve fixed me too. But I’ll tell you something, Maddie. I don’t like being your project!”
“Stop it, Noah. Don’t do this.”
“Do what? Tell the truth? That’s what it looks like to me. You seem to have a funny way of falling for fixer-uppers. But what happens when I’m completely whole? Would you walk away?”
“I’d never leave you.”
“And what about you, huh? Who’s gonna save you from yourself?”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Please.”
I shook my head. “Oh, I see. You don’t play fair. You can dish it, but you don’t want to take it. You’re the good little girl who tries to save everybody—Jake, me, your brother, your parents. But what about you?”
“I thought this was about us,” Maddie whimpered.
“It’s never been about us, don’t you see that? It’s always been about Jake, my dad, Josh and Will, and all the rest of the shitty baggage between us. It’s never about the players, remember? It’s about the damn game that makes us act and react the way we do!”
“Please don’t do this, Noah,” she whispered.
“Do what? Be honest? I’m just trying to do what you’ve taught me, Maddie. To be the person you want me to be!”
Maddie shook her head. “But can’t you see?” she cried. “I love you! I love you more than I ever imagined I could love a guy. And it scares me, okay? It scares the hell out of me!”
I stared at her in disbelief. She really loved me. God, I’d wanted to hear her say that for so long, but it had the opposite effect I thought it would. It stunned me where I was speechless. I wanted to cry out how much I loved her to, but it was like something was binding me, and I couldn’t speak.
When I didn’t respond, she shook her head. Then she glanced down at the ring in her hand. “Give this to Presley.”
“What?”
“She needs it more than I do.”
“But Jake meant for you to have it,” I protested.
“It doesn’t matter. She and her baby will need it.”
“What, to keep the Jake myth alive and kicking?” I asked.
“No, to validate the truth. The truth that’s in this notebook. Jake was going to stand by Presley, and he was going to be a father to his child. This way, it’ll give all the gossips the hard evidence they need to believe the unfathomable—that Jake Nelson wasn’t a selfish jerk, and he was a man of his word.”
Maddie took my hand and placed the box into in. She closed my fingers around it. “Two good-byes in one day. And I owe money to the cuss can,” she mused.
I didn’t know what else to say. I felt jumbled—bound and gagged by my own foolish pride and stupidity. After everything that had happened and everything I had felt was I honestly going to stand here and let her walk away? I was screaming on the inside, but nothing would come out.
“Good-bye, Noah,” Maddie said, softly. Then she turned and walked out of the back yard. I didn’t know how she was going to get home, but clearly, she didn’t need or want me to take her.
I must’ve stood frozen in the middle of the yard for at least an hour. How in the hell had I gotten here? I’d gone from being desperate to keep her to driving her away. I’d let her stand in front of me and tell me she loved me, and I didn’t say a damn word.
I was a total f*cked-up mess.
***