Chapter Twelve
After my escapade on Friday night, I spent most of Saturday partially hung-over and in a shitty mood. Luckily, Mom was on call, so I had the house to myself. With everything that had been going on with the headache that was the investigation into her, I hadn’t had time to focus on my personal life, or more importantly, the specter of Greg. Mom and I skirted around the issue—especially after the couch incident. I could tell she was still mortified because whenever she would glance at my wounded eyebrow, she’d blush.
Things were tense between us in many ways. Some days she cooked breakfast for me, and we made small talk over pancakes or French Toast. She always tip-toed on eggshells around the subject of Jake, but eventually she always brought him up. I could tell Mom was worried to death about me. There were the sleepless nights, sheets drenched in sweat, and dark circles under my eyes from the nightmares that she pretended not to notice to let me save face.
But there was also something else—a thickness hung heavy in the air weird hanging in the air—like something dark looming over the horizon with him. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, and to put it bluntly, I was freakin’ tired of playing Sherlock Holmes all the time.
So instead of feeling like I had the f*cking rug jerked out from under me, I should have been prepared for what happened on Wednesday afternoon. But I wasn’t. The moment I breezed through the garage door after work, heavenly aromas filled my nostrils. I gazed around the kitchen, and I saw something truly shocking. Not only was Mom home relatively early, but she was cooking.
And not just that. She was taking bread out of the oven. Homemade bread. Oh, something was definitely going on.
“Hey sweetie,” Mom said.
“Hi,” I replied hesitatively. I glanced past her into the dining room where the table was set conspicuously for three. “What’s going on?” I asked.
Mom laughed. “It’s called dinner, Noah.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I know that. It’s just you very rarely cook, least of all set the dining room table.”
Mom didn’t answer me. Instead, she slipped on some oven mittens and grabbed the lasagna off the counter. I followed close on her heels into the dining room. “So, I’m gonna ask one more time. What the hell is going on?”
She whirled around. “Language, Noah!”
Geez, she sounded just like Maddie. I couldn’t catch a break. When Mom started back into the kitchen, I stepped in front of her. She sighed. “All right fine. I need to talk to you about something.”
She ushered me into the living room. I side stepped the now infamous couch and plopped down into the chair.
Mom stared at me before drawing in a deep breath. “Noah, Greg has asked me to marry him, and I’ve said yes.”
The wind left my body in a long, exaggerated whoosh. Kinda like the time I fell off the monkey bars in first grade. Well, I didn’t actually fall. Jake pushed me off because I was taking too long to get across them, but that was another story. “Wait, what?”
Mom fiddled with the hem of her skirt. “I’m engaged to Greg.”
Christ Almighty, could this be happening at a worse time? “When did he ask you?”
“A couple days ago.”
My gaze flickered toward the ceiling as I tried taking a few calming breaths.
“Noah?”
“Huh?”
“There’s something else.”
I met her gaze. “You mean something even better than you’re getting married?”
She winced before lowering her eyes. “I’m pregnant.”
I tore out of the chair in an instant. “You’re what?”
Peeking up at me through her eyelashes, she murmured, “You heard me.”
Oh no. Oh, hell no. This couldn’t be happening. Wasn’t it bad enough she’d found another man? Now she was going to have another kid. I was practically being phased out of my own family.
“When are you due?” I demanded.
“October.”
My eyes widened. “Bullshit! You’re that far along, and you didn’t think you should tell me?”
“Yes, and I’m sorry,” she replied. She stood up and slowly stepped over to me. “Honey, I know you’re upset.”
“Really? What makes you say that?” I snapped.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but at my age, I wanted to make sure everything was okay before I told you. Then just as I got the green-light out of my first trimester and with the Amnio, Jake got killed, and I didn’t want to spring it on you then.” When I refused to acknowledge her, she sighed exasperatedly. “Noah Andrew Sullivan, stop acting like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum and talk to me about what you’re feeling!”
I snorted as I jerked my head up to glare at her. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry I’m being ‘childish’. It’s just I’m not really sure how to act when I get the f*cking rug snatched out from under me!”
“Nothing will change between you and me—”
“Are you shitting me? Everything will change! How can you be so blind as to why I’m not thrilled at your news? Of course, after it’s just been the two of us all these years, I want you to bring a total stranger into our house and into our lives. What could be better? No wait, there’s more? Ah, you’re going to have another kid. Fabulous! Then you’ll have a whole new family. Even better, maybe it’ll be a boy, and then you won’t even need me!”
My two-year-old tantrum had turned into an acid filled teenage rant. I truly felt shitty when Mom’s chin trembled. “The Amnio showed it’s a girl,” she said softly.
“Well, isn’t that sweet?” I snapped.
The tears pooling in Mom’s blue eyes spilled over her cheeks. Although I did feel instant regret for hurting her feelings, the sadistic part of me was glad she was able to see how much I was hurting. In the end, I didn’t know why I was being such an ass, but just the very thought of her being pregnant infuriated me.
Mom drew in a few deep breaths before she spoke. “Look, I know this baby and my marrying Greg is going to bring huge changes to your life—to our lives. But I hope you can see that they’re going to be good changes, sweetheart. Your happiness means more to me than anything in the world, and I hope you can believe that. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, ever.” A small smile curved at her lips. “I want you to be happy for me and happy for you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Oh, I’m happy.”
“You are?” she asked tentatively, as if she feared I would go off on another one of my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde bipolar episodes.
“Sure, I am. Why wouldn’t I be glad that you found a guy who’d actually marry you when you got knocked up this time!”
The moment the words left my lips I regretted them. Mom appeared momentarily stung. But then in a quick, fluid motion that took both of us off guard, she slapped me.
Hard.
Her eyes widened in disbelief. She hadn’t hit me since I was ten years old when Jake and I ran away from home...for ten hours. When I’d finally shown back up, she’d been a weeping, snotty shell of the Mom I’d known. I figured she’d hold out her arms for me to rush into, but instead, she had first smacked my cheek. “How could you scare me like that?” she’d shrieked. Then she’d burst into tears and held me for two hours.
But I wasn’t waiting around for hugs this time. “Thanks a hell of a lot, Mom,” I mumbled. I spun on my heels, grabbed my keys off the counter, and stormed outside.
I stalked out to my Jeep. When I’m climbed inside, I slammed the door. “F*ck!” I cried, banging my fist on the steering wheel. As I cranked up the engine, I squealed out of the driveway intent on going to one place. And then it hit me so hard I slammed on the brakes, causing my neck to whip back.
There was no place to go.
Because Jake was dead.
That one thought caused my stomach to heave, and I scrambled to fling open the door. I puked the entire contents of my stomach and my tumbled emotions onto the pavement. Defeated, I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth and contemplated where the hell to go.
Since we were kids, we had always used each other as a refuge. When his dad was acting like a bastard, he’d hop on his bike and pedal over to my house, or when I thought Mom was being too strict, I’d escape to his. Then if we truly wanted to tell the world to f*ck off, we’d hide out in emerald thicket of trees behind Grammy and Granddaddy’s house.
And a feeling came over me so strong that it took my breath away. I put the car in drive and sped along the road. Instead of turning onto Grammy’s street, I by-passed it and kept on going. I didn’t want a lecture at her house, and I didn’t want Alex or any of my other guy friends.
Instead, I pulled in Maddie’s driveway. Throwing the car into park, I felt a wave of both relief and anger wash over me. I was angry that I couldn’t go to Jake’s, but I was also relieved that there was someone as kind and considerate as Maddie to go and talk to.
Then my grief fueled anger changed over as thoughts of my previous conversation with my mother and her slap caused me to storm up the walkway, stomp up the front steps, and pound on the front door. Fury caused me to dig into my pocket for some money because I knew I wanted to be prepared for Maddie’s ‘Cuss Can’ antics.
When Maddie swung open the door, I thrust a five dollar bill in her face. “Look, I’m f*cking pissed off right now, so put this in your damn cuss can!”
Her eyes widened. “No, that’s okay. You keep it.”
I shoved the money back in my pocket. “You’re not going to believe what my mom just told me!” I rushed past in her in the house. When I whirled around to find her still standing in the doorway, I threw up my hands. “What?”
A sheepish expression filled Maddie’s face. “It’s just that my parents aren’t home. They’ve taken Josh to the doctor…”
“Yeah so?”
She looked down at the foyer floor, toying the rug with her flip-flop. “I’m not allowed to be alone in the house with a boy when my parents aren’t home,” she said softly.
I rolled my eyes toward the ceiling. Jesus, Maddie had to always play by the rules. I stalked back across the living room and peered at her. Then I snorted exasperatedly. “You know we could just as easily fornicate on the front lawn if we were so inclined.”
Color flooded her cheeks. Great, now I was being an ass to her as well. “Dammit, that was a jerk thing to say. I’m really sorry, Maddie. I’m just really upset right now.”
“It’s okay,” she replied. Without any more pressing from her, I headed outside and onto the front porch. After she closed the door, she motioned for me to have a seat in one of the rockers. I flopped down in one with a grunt while she cautiously sat down next to me.
“So what happened with your mom?” she asked.
“She’s getting married.”
Maddie’s dark brows furrowed. “Oh, is her fiancée like mean or something?
“No, Greg’s a pretty decent guy,” I replied. I refrained from telling her the couch incident—I was afraid she might pass out.
“Then what is it?”
I shrugged. “I guess that I’m afraid of the changes that are to come. Like having some dude I barely know in the house or if we have to move…”
“But mainly you’re afraid of losing your mom’s love, right?”
Grimacing, I replied, “Yeah, but that’s going to happen regardless of whether she gets married or not.”
“How could you say that?”
“She’s pregnant.”
Maddie’s dark eyes widened with excitement. “Oh Noah, that’s wonderful. I’m so happy for her!” she squealed.
I shot her a look. “Thanks a lot.”
Maddie frowned. “I don’t understand.”
With a sigh, I replied, “Neither do I.”
“Let me guess. You’re afraid with your mom getting married and having a baby she’s going to completely replace you in an instant and totally forget that for seventeen years of her life she had a wonderful son to love and be proud of?”
After Maddie said it aloud, I felt like a complete dickwad. It sounded so childish and stupid, but at the same time, it also sounded completely feasible. “Maybe.”
She smiled and linked her arm through mine. “Your mom could never replace you. Think about it, you’re her first born. A new husband and new baby aren’t going to change that.”
I stared into her big brown eyes, and I realized I wanted to be as honest with her as I could. “Then everything is worse because Jake’s gone when I need him most.” I kicked at a nail on one of the wood floorboards. “I guess deep down, all I keep thinking of is that everyone leaves me—my real dad, my grandfather, Jake…how can I be sure my mother won’t too?”
Maddie’s hand came to cup my cheek. “Aw, Noah, how could you ever think that? She’s never going to leave you.” She shook her head. “Besides your jerk of a dad, no one has left you because they wanted too—not your grandfather or Jake. The people who love you and care about you aren’t going anywhere.” She smiled. “Myself included.”
“Really?”
Nudging me playfully, she said, “Now I want you to think about something for a minute. Next fall, you’re going off to Tech, right?” When I nodded, she continued on. “You’ll meet all these new people, go to lots of parties that you probably shouldn’t—”
I chuckled. “Hey now.”
She grinned. “You have a whole new life ahead of you. But what would your mom have done without you in the house?”
In all honesty, I hadn’t. Wow, Noah, what a way to be a selfish prick.
When I didn’t answer, Maddie patted my arm. “It’s okay if you didn’t. Just think about it now. I mean, she was going to be all alone, and now she’ll have somebody. Two somebody’s actually.”
“It’s a girl,” I suddenly blurted for no apparent reason.
“Really?” Maddie squealed.
I rolled my eyes. “Yes.”
“Oh, if she looks anything like your mom, she’ll be so beautiful,” Maddie said.
“There’s something else.”
“Besides your mom getting remarried and having a baby?” she asked, smiling slightly.
“She slapped me.”
Maddie’s eyes widened. “She did?”
I nodded.
“But why?”
Instead of answering her, I hopped out of my seat and walked down the length of the porch, gazing out at the flower beds.
“Noah?” Maddie prompted.
“Well, um, it’s the way I acted when she told me. I-I said some pretty hurtful things.”
She rose out of her chair and came over to me. “What did you say?”
I turned back towards her and inwardly groaned. There was no way in hell I wanted to tell Maddie the awful thing I’d said. But when she tenderly took my hand in hers, I crumbled. “I was the biggest a*shole in the world. I told her I was glad she’d finally found some guy who’d finally marry her. You know, after he knocked her up.”
Maddie gasped and dropped my hand. “Noah, how could you?”
I threw my hands up. “I don’t know why. I mean, why do we ever say or do the things we do?”
“You have to apologize right now!”
I stared at her. Jesus, was she pushy! She never stopped trying to make me be a better person. It made my blood boil as I crossed my arms over my chest in a huff. “Tell me something I don’t know, Einstein.”
Suddenly, she narrowed her eyes at me, and I wasn’t expecting the response I got. “Don’t get smart with me! I’m just trying to help.” She whirled around and started back inside the house.
Shit.
“Maddie, wait!” I called. When she kept walking, I dug deep and said the word most guys loathe. “Please!” She stopped and turned around. I’d already hurt the woman I cared about most in the world today, so I didn’t want to screw up with anyone else, especially not Maddie. Deep down, I didn’t know why I cared so much about what she thought of me. Normally, I wouldn’t have given a shit. But after Jake, she meant something to me—more than I was willing to admit sometimes.
I sighed and raked my hand through my hair. As she stared expectantly at me for the other two words guys hated to say, I stuffed my hands into my pants pockets. “Um…I’m sorry.”
The corners of her lips turned up like she was fighting a smile. “Thank you.” After I had groveled to her satisfaction, she came back over to me. “You know, you probably need to take her some flowers when you apologize.”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“Want me to help you pick them out?”
As I gazed at the sweet expression on her face, I wanted to kick my own ass. I didn’t want to go flower shopping with her. I wanted to grab her in my arms and lay a big one on her. Better yet, I wanted to go for a sex romp with her through her parents immaculately kept flower beds. But I knew I couldn’t.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I lied.
She smiled. “Then I will.” Suddenly, she brought her hand to her forehead. “Oh, I almost forgot. It’s Wednesday night.”
“So?”
“It’s church night.” She quirked her eyebrows at me. “Do you ever go?”
I shook my head. The truth was I hadn’t gone to church since my granddaddy died. I guess you could say I was still a little pissed at God.
“Wanna come with me?” she asked enthusiastically.
Truthfully, the last thing on earth I wanted to do was go to church. But at the same time, I was up for anything that meant being close to Maddie. I also wanted to check out Pastor Dan’s place a little more to see what it was that had such a hold on Jake.
“Yeah, but I don’t want you guys doing anything weird to me,” I said.
“Don’t worry. You don’t get to handle snakes on your first visit,” she said.
My eyes widened in horror. “Snakes? What the hell!”
She burst out laughing. “I’m just kidding you, Noah!”
“Oh, right, sure,” I replied, although I sounded a lot more convinced than I felt.
***