He set his jaw, and she recognized the stubbornness in it. “Fine, go find her. But don’t bring her around me when you do.” She wanted to burst into tears. She still remembered crying for her mother in a strange house with people who yelled at her all the time. By the time her grandfather had found her, she’d been a timid child who barely spoke.
Mano and Bane had escaped that part. And while she was glad they hadn’t had to go through it, a part of her wished they had so they could understand how she felt. But they would never fully comprehend what their mother’s desertion had done to her.
“You think you had it so bad,” Bane said in a low voice. “Have you ever stopped to think how it felt to me and Mano to know that she loved you more? She took you.”
Kaia’s eyes widened. The thought had never crossed her mind. “That’s not true, Bane. She left me with strangers. At least she made sure you were with our grandfather.”
His dark eyes bored into hers. “That’s the trouble with being a human on this earth. We can never fully enter into how another person feels.”
She wished there was someplace she could go to escape this conversation. She was too cold and tired to go back in the water. It was going to be a long night.
Bane’s hands touched her shoulders. “Just as you don’t know what Mano and I went through, we don’t know what she went through either,” he said gently. “But you have an unforgiving spirit, Kaia.”
“I don’t.” She batted his hands away.
Jesse’s head poked up from the galley below. “Sounds like you two are having an argument.”
“My sister has a hard head.”
“I have the hard head? It’s the other way around.” She handed Jesse a container of yogurt.
He accepted it and pulled off the foil top then sat beside her. “What are you fighting about?”
“Bane is on a quest to find our mother.” She inwardly winced at her shrill tone.
“You’re impossible. I’m going below.” Bane stood and disappeared below deck.
Kaia knew she should go after him and apologize, but she stayed put. He was the one who had brought it up.
“I take it you don’t want him to look for your mother?”
“I have no interest in dredging up the past.” She took the foil top from him and tossed it in the trash bag hanging from a hook beside her. “What about your family? Did you have a good relationship with your parents?”
Jesse shrugged. “Yeah, I still do.”
“You grew up here, didn’t you?” Kaia asked.
“Yep. My parents were church-plant missionaries. Me and my sisters always felt part of something big. My parents are in Indonesia now.”
“Sounds wonderful.” She heard the harsh tone in her voice.
“Your grandparents must have been kind.”
“They were. But it’s hard to live in a place that prizes family and know your own mother hated you so much that she left you at the mercy of strangers.” A lump formed in her throat. She should be able to put the past behind her. Why couldn’t she? It’s not like her mother had the power to hurt her anymore.
Maybe Bane was right and she had an unforgiving spirit. She found it hard to overlook slights, and staring into Jesse’s face, she realized she still blamed him for dragging her away from her research when she should be grateful for his help extricating Mano from his trouble.
Jesse squeezed her hand. “I’m sure your mom didn’t hate you, Kaia. That would be impossible for anyone.”
The air suddenly seemed more fragrant and silky. Kaia couldn’t look at him. The earnest tenderness in his voice made her feel like a dolphin on land. “Tell me about your wife,” she said.
The feel of the air changed. She could sense Jesse’s withdrawal.
“What do you want to know?”
“How did you meet?”
He sighed and rubbed his head. “You sure you want to hear this?”
She nodded. “Go ahead. Maybe it will help to talk about it.”
“It was a typical girl-next-door thing. She lived right here on Kaua’i. She was best friends with my sister Jillian. I fell for her the first day I saw her and we were married fifteen years later. I thought I knew her. I didn’t.”
“You sound a little bitter.”
“Maybe I am. Killing your wife will do that to a man.” His gaze never left her face as he said the words.
“If you’re trying to shock me, you’ll have to do a better job than that. Heidi already told me she died, and you think it’s your fault.” His rueful grimace stopped the rest of her words.
“It was my fault. We were arguing and I looked away from the road. I missed a curve. I lived. She died carrying my son. I killed two people that day.”
“It was an accident.”
“It didn’t make them less dead.”
“You need to forgive yourself.”
“Actually, I have, but it doesn’t make what I did any less wrong.”
Kaia had had all she could take. She rose. “I think I’ll let you take the first watch and try to catch a little nap.”
Nineteen