Shaz winced. “That bad, huh?”
“I can say this much, if you ever think you’re a monster, attend a scary ass demon ritual, and you’ll feel a whole lot better about yourself.” I shuddered as an image of the savage demon orgy flashed through my mind.
“That’s reassuring.”
We drove along in silence for several blocks as Shaz took the long way around town to Arys’s house. I waited patiently. I knew Shaz well. Whatever he wanted to say, it would come out. Shaz wore his heart on his sleeve. Emotional and sensitive, he was everything I wasn’t. And, I loved that about him.
His grip tightened on the wheel. He ran a hand through his hair once, then twice, his most obvious tell. Finally, he blurted, “I want to be the one you choose in the end. We belong together, Lex.”
“In the end?” I stammered, trying to grasp what he was saying.
“I can’t shake this feeling that things are going to get worse between us before they get better. I’ve been in love with you for years. We’re just getting started, and already we’re falling apart.” Shaz stopped the car at a red light and took the opportunity to squeeze my hand. Pain tainted his energy, thick and stifling. “We can’t go on like this forever.”
My pulse quickened, and I sat up straighter in my seat. A sharp throb shot through my leg, and I made a pained sound. “What are you talking about, Shaz?”
“Come on, Lex. How long can we all keep playing musical beds for before it blows up in our faces? Three is a crowd, and five is just getting downright nasty.” He made a face of disgust. “Not to mention however many lovers Arys has on the side that neither of us know about.”
“None,” I said, uncertain of my feelings regarding this conversation. I was an unwilling participant. “The only ones messing around on the side are you and I. Believe it or not.”
Shaz was quiet, his lips pursed in thought. “I’m surprised. Doesn’t seem like his style.”
I took a deep breath, bracing myself, hoping I wasn’t making a mistake with what I was about to say. “You know, Shaz, you’re the only one currently involved with someone outside the three of us.”
He stiffened and took the next corner sharp enough to make the tires squeal. “Yeah, I guess that’s true. I’m the bad guy here. I can’t stop punishing you for what happened with Kale.”
“I noticed. Why is that exactly?”
We turned onto Arys’s street. I thought he might not answer. Shaz pulled the car to a stop in front of the house and turned to me. The emotion in his eyes was raw and strong when he said, “Because I can’t punish you for Arys.”
The silence was deafening. It had been no secret that Shaz wasn’t happy about my relationship with Arys. Hearing his confession made it painfully clear how deep his feelings were. He would never be ok with what Arys and I shared.
I didn’t know how to respond. I was shocked by his confession. And hurt. Hurt that he would hold this inside for a year, letting it fester into something too big to control.
“So Bianca is my punishment for something that has never been within my control?” My voice cracked, and I cringed inwardly. “That hurts, Shaz.”
He looked away from me, out the driver’s side window at the dark house across the street. “I thought it would make me feel better. Like I’d evened the score. All it’s done is make me feel like shit.”
“Well, that makes two of us.” I couldn’t tear my gaze from him. He wouldn’t look at me, and that made the suffocating sensation inside me grow.
“I know you and Arys belong together.” Shaz’s voice caught as if he wrestled with his emotions. “But, I spent so many nights lying awake at Raoul’s, listening to him have his way with you, wiping your tears after, the entire time wishing you would look at me the way you looked at him. And now, I’m reliving it with the vampire.”
I felt myself deflate. His solemn words crushed me. “I’ve always loved you, Shaz. I didn’t always know it though. Raoul was a teenage dream. A foolish nightmare I was torturing myself with. Arys is part of me. He is my other half. And, you and I should both know that if I am anything, it’s my own worst enemy. I adore Arys, but I need you.”
“But for how long?” He turned to pin me with jade green wolf eyes, stormy with emotion. “How long can we play this game for three? I get it. I do. It’s like he and I are black and white, and you’re the shade of grey that links us. I feel like I’m part of this whether I want to be or not.”
“You don’t have to be,” I murmured. I couldn’t help but think of Kale and his plea for me to set him free. Maybe it was time to set Shaz free, too. “I love you, Shaz, but I don’t want to imprison you. You deserve more. I want you to be happy.”