Shaz led me to the big arch bridge that was the main focal point of the entire park. From twenty feet above the water, the pond’s bottom could not be seen, and I wasn’t sure how great the depths were.
We sat together on the edge, our arms looped around the metal railing. I waited for him to say something because I could not. I wasn’t ready to cry yet.
This bridge already held somber memories for me. I had come here with Raoul’s letter a year ago. Its contents had tortured me while I shed my tears into the water below. I suppose this place was as good as any for goodbye.
“I hate myself right now.” Shaz sat stiffly beside me. His anguish was palpable. “I’m sitting here wishing you will beg me not to go, but I know you won’t. You’d never stand in the way of what’s best for someone else, even if it hurts you.”
“Because I love you, Shaz.” My voice was breathy, barely there. I didn’t have the strength for the words this moment required.
“I know.” His voice conveyed both anger and grief. “I don’t deserve you, Lex. Not after what I’ve done. And, don’t tell me it’s no worse than what you’ve done. What I did was out of spite. There’s no justification for that.”
I swung my legs and gazed into the murky depths of the pond. The sky was gradually lightening; shade by shade, the night was slipping away.
“It’s over. We need to move forward.”
Shaz gazed at me thoughtfully, a sheepish grin lighting up his gorgeous face. “Remember the night you came home to Raoul’s to find Belle there with him? The night you decided you were done with him for good. We sat in the backyard on the porch swing drinking whiskey.”
“Yeah, I remember.” It had been years ago. It felt like a lifetime.
“That night was the night I knew I was head over heels in love with you.” A soft laugh accompanied his confession. “I think I loved you from the moment we met, but that night, I knew it for sure.”
The night he spoke of had been hell for me. Kale and I had run into trouble, and then I’d returned to Raoul’s after getting my ass kicked to find him playing with Belle, the pack tramp. Shaz had been the only thing that kept me from clawing her eyes out that night.
“You know I’d forgive you anything, right?” I squeezed his hand with a sudden desperation to never let go. “Even doing something stupid with an FPA spy.”
He nodded and averted his eyes. “I wouldn’t blame you or Arys if you decide to take her out. I’ve never felt like such an idiot.”
That special moment of in-between fell upon us. To the west, the sky remained dark with the final touch of night. Upon the eastern horizon, a golden glow began to grow. Night and day shared the sky. That brief moment was so often overlooked but poignant and beautiful.
We sat in silence, holding hands and watching the sun chase the moon from sight. I would have given just about anything to make time stop, trapping us forever like that. I was torn between the desire to cry and the need to never shed a tear, to simply numb it all out. I doubted my ability to function without this man. He had always been there, but now he was leaving.
Dumbfounded. That’s how I felt when the sun was high in the sky, and I realized time had betrayed me. Shaz stood and pulled me up with him. Wrapping his arms around me, he nuzzled my face with his, and then the dam broke.
The sudden onslaught of tears crippled me. I slid a hand into his hair and held him close. Silent sobs wracked my body. I had wanted to save my tears for after he’d gone, when I was alone. So much for that plan.
“Aw, Lex. Please don’t cry. It’s killing me to do this. I have to. So I can be what you need when I come back.” Shaz swiped a thumb through my tears. They were crystal clear drops, a small blessing in such an excruciating moment.
“Go and do what you need to do.” I sniffed and choked on a sob. “I’ll be ok. Promise you won’t worry about me. Focus on what’s best for you. No matter what.”
He kissed me, a tender press of his lips to mine. I threw my arms around his neck and let my passion pour forth. If this were our last kiss, it would be a damn great one.
When at last our lips parted, I was as ready as I would ever be to watch him walk out of my life. I couldn’t shake the deep-rooted fear that he may never return.
“I should get you back to Arys’s.” Shaz turned to go, but I remained rooted to the spot.
“I think I’m going to walk. I just need some time alone. It’s fine, really.”
“Sure. I get it.” His gaze dropped to our joined hands. “I should go. I don’t want to, though.”
I gave him a playful shove and forced a brittle smile that felt as if it would shatter any second. “Go on. Get out of here. The mountains await you.”
Still, he wouldn’t go. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, staring uncertainly across the park. “This is the part where I ask you to come with me, and you tell me that you can’t.”