Chapter 63
S OMETHING HEARTFELT.
But I couldn’t remember what it was now.
I sat up ? all alone in my bed ? jarred from the half-awake, half-asleep place I’d just been. My memory had stumbled onto a blank spot, like a hole in the ground that wasn’t there before.
The details of our honeymoon in Barbados had always been so crystal clear in my mind. Why couldn’t I remember what I’d said to Maria?
The clock next to me glowed: 2:15.
I was wide awake, though.
Please, God , I thought, these memories are what I have left. All I have. Don’t take them away too.
I switched on the light.
Staying in bed now wasn’t an option. I wandered out into the hall, thinking maybe I’d go down and play the piano.
At the top of the stairs, I stopped with my hand on the banister. The soft, rasping sound of Ali’s breath held me where I was.
I stepped into his room and watched my little boy from the doorway.
He was just a small lump under the covers, and a bare foot sticking out; his breath sounded like a miniature snore.
The Blue’s Clues nightlight on the wall was just enough to show his face. Little Alex’s eyebrows were knitted tightly, as though he was deep in thought, just the way I look sometimes.
When I crawled under the covers, he nuzzled up to my chest and pressed his head into the crook of my arm.
“Hi, Daddy,” he said, half-awake.
“Hey, pup,” I whispered. “Go back to sleep.”
“Did you have a bad dream?”
I smiled. It was a question I’d asked him countless times in the past. Now the words came back to me like a piece of myself I’d let go.
He’d given me my words. I gave him Maria’s. “I love you, Ali. No one will ever love you the way I do.”
The boy was perfectly still, probably asleep already. I lay there with my hand on his shoulder until his breathing went back to that same soft rhythm as before. And then somewhere in there, I went back to be with Maria.