CHAPTER 11
After tiptoeing back to Cam’s office, pulling on his joggers and spending half an hour giving a statement to the Police, I was ready to go home. I’d managed to get back there before everyone else came barging in and throw my clothes in the wardrobe, ashamed with myself for being so slutty with Cam earlier and taking them off. I had no idea where I was going with my little strip tease, it was most definitely not what I had been intending to do when he dragged me in here. I had wanted to claw at his face initially, not his back, but there was just something about him, something that I couldn’t say ‘no’ to and I needed to get it under control. I wasn’t ready to feel yet, that wall around my heart wasn’t ready to come down. I doubted very much that Cam was interested in anything more than sex and I was so afraid I’d want more and I don’t think my heart could be rebuilt if it were to be broken again.
I had noticed that as the Police were leaving that they had told ‘Mr King’ that they’d be in touch and I sat twirling faster and faster in the big leather chair behind Cam’s desk while he showed the nice Policemen out. It occurred to me that he’d named his wine bar after himself, flash bastard, funny actually though, as the club my Dad had bought into was called Kings. I let these thoughts wander through my brain as I stared up at the ceiling whilst still spinning madly in the chair. It suddenly jolted to a stop and I was turned around slowly to meet Cam’s brown eyes.
“What are you doing?”
“Twirling, you should try it, its fun.” His lips twitched in the slightest of smiles; he pulled me out of the chair, sat himself down in it, pulled me into his lap and began to twirl us both around while he held on to me, a little too tightly, I lifted my legs up, put my feet on his legs and curled into him.
“You’re right.”
“I’m female, of course I’m right.” He gave out a really big, loud, laugh, which for some reason made me smile.
“Oh Kitten, you do make me laugh.”
“Why? I didn’t say anything funny, I just stated a fact.”
“Is that right?”
I nodded. “Yep.”
He shook his head but smiled, reached out for the desk, grabbed it and stopped the chair from spinning anymore, we sat still and silent for a few seconds, blue eyes into brown, he stroked his finger over my cheek, circled it around my chin, and then traced the outline of my lips.
I forgot to breathe.
“You are all bullshit and bravado, why do you put on such a hard front kitten? All spitting and snarling, when I don’t think that’s really you at all.” I bit his finger as it lingered on my lips, probably using a little more force than was necessary. He shook his head, again.
“Why are you always shaking your head at me?’
He strokes up and down my arm, over the curve of my shoulder. “Am I?”
“Yep.”
“Perhaps it’s because you frustrate me.”
“You barely know me, how do I frustrate you?” I don’t know if I feel hurt that he thinks this or happy that I have at least some kind of effect on him. Do I want to have some kind of effect on him? God I don’t know, I don’t know anything where he’s concerned. My life might be a mess right now but it’s a mess I have control over and that’s the way I want it to stay. I don’t want my emotions roller-coastering all over the place; in fact, I don’t think I’m ready for emotions of any kind in my life right now. I’ve survived the last few years without them and I think that I’ll manage without them for the next few.
“You frustrate me because you so obviously put on a front; I wish you would just be yourself, at least for me.”
“Why, why does it matter who, or what I am around you?” He twirls my hair around his fingers, it’s such a simple thing but for me, so intimate.
Yes I’ve had sex with men, ten of them in fact, over the last six months and some would say that’s the ultimate act of intimacy, but not for me. For me, it was a cold and unfeeling act of power and control. I rarely let them kiss me, I gave them the best sex they’d ever had but just that, they got no part of me whatsoever. I didn’t hold hands with them, unless they took mine and left me with no choice, I didn’t stroke or lick or suck. I just f*cked, but I did it so well that they couldn’t get enough, just so that I could hear them say those three little words then have the pleasure of walking away, but this, him playing with my hair like this, was so much more intimate to me than anything else I’d experienced in the last six months. It was the most intimate thing I’d done with any man since Sean!
“Because I like you Kitten, I like you a lot and I want to get to know you, the real you, not the spitting, clawing alley cat you seem to want people to think that you are, and the first thing I want to know is what’s made you like this? Who did this to you? What did they do… hmm?” He raises his eyebrows at me like he’s actually waiting for an answer, well f*ck that, I’m not spilling my guts to him so that I can get the pitying look I’ve got from everyone else these past five years.
“I need to go home; I’ll get my Dad to arrange for my car to be towed tomorrow.” I move to slide off of his lap.
“Don’t go, don’t run away Georgia, stay and talk to me.” He holds me in his lap, his hands on my hips, his eyes looking right into mine, through mine, into me and I have to go, I can’t have him seeing through me, into me, to the real me, I can’t.
“I need to go Cam, please let me go.” He shakes his bloody head at me again.
“You’re shaking your head.”
“Coz you’re frustrating the f*ck out of me. Would you have had sex with me, earlier, before little limp dick went all mental and started smashing things up? If we hadn’t been interrupted, would you’ve let me f*ck you?” My cheeks burn with embarrassment at the thought of my earlier behaviour, I shake my head very slightly.
“No Cam, you wouldn’t have f*cked me… but I might have f*cked you.” He lets out a deep breath, almost a hiss, through his teeth.
“Get your stuff, I’ll take you home and don’t worry about your car, I’ve got someone coming for it now, I’ll get it fixed up for you.”
“You don’t have to do that, it’s my own fault, I behaved badly, and I got what I deserved.”
“Maybe.” He shrugs. “But do you want to be the one to tell your Dad what happened and why? Do you want your Dad’s blokes out looking for little dick, seems to me, the poor blokes got enough problems without Frank Layton putting a price on his tiny balls.”
I actually laugh out loud at the thought of Lee and his little cock and balls being chased by my Dad; shit he’s right, the least my Dad knows about the damage to my car the better. I chew on the inside of my lip.
“Okay but I want a receipt for the work, I want to pay the bill and make sure you tell them to be gentle with her, she’s getting on and needs to be handled with love.”
He frowns. “Who?”
“Hilda.”
“F*ck, right, yeah, of course, Hilda the Triumph Herald, how could I forget?” He smiles as he speaks, he looks so young when he smiles and I wonder again how old he actually is. I’m guessing twenty-nine, thirty…
“How old are you Cam?”
“Old as my tongue, bit older than my teeth,” he says with a shrug and looks away from me.
“My Nan always used to say that and she was like eighty or something when she died, are you as old as her?”
“F*ck off, let’s get you home.”
Cam dropped me off at my flat and we came to an arrangement whereby he would sort out the cost of the damage to my car as long as I agreed to go out for dinner with him Saturday night. I agreed. Of course I agreed there was just something about him that made me want to agree and try as I might, I didn’t seem to be able to fight it.
Saturday morning I had a fitting for my bridesmaid dress with Jimmie, she was having three of us and her older sister was being matron of honour. Jim being the funky little soul that she was, had chosen fantastic fifty’s style retro dresses for us, they were really simple, in a soft peach colour, with a strapless bodice a wide ivory sash to match the colour of Jims dress and then a full skirt that came just above our knees, with lots of petticoats underneath. Jimmies dress was the same style but where ours were strapless, she had lace over the bodice, with three quarter lace sleeves and a massive bow at the back of the sash around her waist, we all had little short veils for our heads, Jims was longer and covered her face, the whole thing was so her and I just loved it.
I got the usual telling off from Claude and Sally the dress-makers; I had to have my dress made slightly smaller every time we had been back for fittings, then my mother joined in the charge and started going on about how I spent too much time at the gym, at work or out clubbing, that I never ate and that I would never find a husband in a noisy, sweaty club.
“Actually, I have a date tonight and he’s taking me out for dinner,” I state loudly from where I’m standing on the podium while Claude darts the back of my dress where he wants it taken in.
A pin scrapes my skin, only just not piercing it. “Oww!” I complain, looking over my shoulder at him; we use Claude and Sall for lots of jobs for the shops and we referred lots of customers to them who wanted Bespoke tailoring so they we providing their services for free as a thank you to my Mum.
Claude looked up at me and rolled his eyes in an ‘I barely touched you’ expression. “Is there blood?” I asked.
“Oh do stop being such a drama queen Georgia, if you didn’t shock me with that last comment then I might not have moved the pin too close. You are being serious I take it? You really do have a date tonight, with a real man? Don’t go getting your mothers hopes up if you’re just trying to placate her.”
My family had no idea about the life I’d been leading these past six months, no idea I’d been leading men around by their dicks just for the pure pleasure of dumping them as soon as they mentioned the L word, as far as they were aware, I’d been a single party girl, living it up every weekend, which was also partly true and the story that I went with.
“Would I lie to you Claude, or my mother for that matter?” He stood with his hands on his hips; eyebrows raised and pouted his lips. Claude was the gayest straight man I’d ever met and the most amazing tailor, seamstress, maker of things, or whatever his title was, that I’d ever had the pleasure of doing business with.
“Probably yes,” he said through a mouthful of pins. I nodded.
“Yea you’re right but on this occasion I am telling the truth.”
“Who’s the date with? Anyone we know?” Jimmie called over from the other podium where she was being fitted, I looked across and smiled at her, dare I tell her, in front of my Mum, God, I was never going to hear the end of this, my Mum would be wanting to meet him and have him round for Sunday lunch, she was busy faffing around with Jimmie’s sister Julie’s dress with Sall so I took a chance.
“Mr TDH,” I cringed at Jim as I said it. Her and Ash had given me shit for months about him and I told them all along that I wasn’t interested and now here I was going on a date, out for dinner with him no less.
Jimmies jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”
“Yes I’m serious, why does everyone assume I’m lying today? Is it such a ridiculous concept that someone might actually want to take me out on a date?”
“No,” my mother piped up. “The ridiculous concept is that you might actually say yes and want to go out on a date with someone. And who’s Mr TDH?” Trust my mother not miss a trick.
“Oh Bern, you should see him, he is absolutely gorgeous, he’s been after George for months, what made you finally say yes G?” I shrugged, shit, what was I going to tell them? “Aww, he spent two grand in the shop, it’s the least I could do.”
“The very least,” my mother said.
“Well, who is he, what do you know about him?” I shot Jim a look; I didn’t want my Mum knowing anything, yet.
“He’s just a bloke we met in the wine bar, he bought me a drink, then he came in the shop and I helped him with some stuff for his sisters twenty-first after I’d sent Ashley home sick, I’ve not seen him in ages, bumped into him Thursday night and he asked me to dinner tonight… Okay, is that enough facts for everyone?”
Claude clapped. “Can’t wait for the next fitting so you can tell me all about it, just don’t go falling in love and not eating, I don’t want to be making any more alterations to this dress, you’re far too skinny right now Ms Layton.”
I couldn’t believe how nervous I was getting ready Saturday evening. I had my hair washed and dried at the salon next door this afternoon so I had a bath rather than a shower when I got home. There were nice clean sheets on my bed and I had lit a few candles about the place, I wasn’t sure what would eventuate tonight because I knew full well that whatever I decided now, if he tried to, Cam would have me changing my mind and doing his bidding anyway.
I changed my outfit three times before settling for a seventies mini dress. It was A-line, in a gorgeous blue colour, with bell bottomed sleeves, I’d bought it at Kensington Market along with a pair of white sling back shoes and the two went perfectly together. I smoked a cigarette while I waited for Cam, I wasn’t much of a smoker but I was nervous. I had had a couple of glasses of wine while I was getting ready, which had calmed me down and the cigarette did the same. My doorbell buzzed, I stood from the arm of the chair where I’d been sitting and counted to ten, didn’t want to appear too keen if I could help it. I looked through the spy hole my Dad had insisted I install but all I could see was his back, I then proceeded to undo the three different bolts my Dad had also insisted I have and swung the door open.
He’d turned around, he wasn’t facing away from me anymore, he was leaning on the door frame, filling my doorway, looking big and gorgeous and so f*cking handsome. Just a pair of plain black trousers and a white shirt, rolled up at the sleeves to just below his elbows, I could see the hint of a gold necklace at his throat, amongst the dark hairs that I could also see there. Instinctively my hand rose to my throat and I touched my own necklace, the one that had sat at my throat for the best part of six years. Sean, no, don’t do this to me, not right now!
Sean!
Sean!
Sean!
My brain screamed out at me.
They’re all just like Sean, Georgia, all of them.
F*ck off, f*ck off, f*ck off!
I literally had to shake my head to clear the conversation that was going on inside it. He stood in complete silence, filling my doorway, just watching me.
“Hey,” I eventually managed to say.
“Alright?” he replied, sounding like a right cockney geezer. He had the strangest way of talking. I’d been thinking about this last night whilst trying not to think about him, he had a strong East London accent, he dropped his H’s but he used words that most blokes from our neck of the woods didn’t. It made me wonder if he had received a private education, if he had attended a ‘posh’ school despite coming from where he did. Not that it mattered, coming from a working class background entitled you to a private education as much as the next person that could afford it, I was just curious, that was all.
“You look stunning,” he smiled slightly as he said it.
“Thank you, you look… well f*ckin’ horny yourself.”
“Kitten, really? You’re all dressed up like a lady and talk like a brass.”
“And how would you know what a brass talks like Cam?” He’d pissed me off now, I hadn’t meant to swear, it just comes out. I grew up with three older brothers, they were just words to me, I managed to keep it under control at work, just, well most of the time, but out of work, they just slipped out and I was only trying to pay him a compliment.
“Because I’ve had to ask them to leave my establishments on more than one occasion, I don’t mind them coming in for a drink but I won’t have them turning tricks in my gaffs and they tend to get a bit lippy when asked to leave.”
“And I sound like one of them?” He sighs and shakes that gorgeous head of his.
“No Georgia, you don’t, I don’t know why I said that, it’s just that you look like such a lady and then you open your mouth and… ” he trails off.
“Well this is a great start, you’ve only been here two minutes and already you’re shaking your head and bollocking me for swearing.” I fold my arms across my chest and tap my foot as I look him up and down.
“Dya wanna leave it and go and find a posh bird to take out?”
“No, I don’t, anyway, posh birds swear too you know… come here.” I shake my head.
“You want me, then you’d best come here Tiger.”
“See, so f*ckin’ frustrating, no wonder I shake my head, do you ever do as you’re told?”
“Nope.” I shrug, raise my eyebrows and give him my best ‘What?’ look.
He gives a big sigh, looks as though he’s about to shake his head, thinks about it for a split second, then stalks toward me, he reminds me of a wolf, his eyes narrowed as his big frame gets closer. He stands as close as he can without touching me, I deliberately keep my eyes straight ahead, staring into his chest, breathing in his scent, which just does unexplainable things to me, he uses his middle and index fingers to lift my chin, bringing my eyes level with his soft brown ones, I don’t want to return his gaze but I can’t resist.
“I’m going to kiss you Georgia, I’m going to kiss you and then we’re going to leave, because if we don’t leave the minute I stop kissing you, I’m going to drag you to your bedroom and f*ck you senseless for the rest of the weekend.”
I don’t get chance to reply, shit, I don’t get chance to think too much before his soft full lips are on mine, gently at first, he tastes minty and fresh as I open my mouth slightly, his tongue slides along my bottom lip and plunges deep into my mouth, dancing, stroking and teasing mine. I reach up and grab his hair in both of my hands and give out a little moan as he licks the inside of my bottom lip, my moaning obviously has an effect on him as he cups my arse and pulls me into him, grinding against me, I can feel his erection pressing into my belly and I moan again.
“F*ck off making that noise Georgia before I stop being responsible for my actions.”
I want to do it again, I want to give out the tiniest of little moans but I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist if he initiates sex and I’m not sure if I’m ready to have sex with him. I want this to be different, I think I’m ready to try and have a relationship with him, if that’s what he wants and I would rather we establish a relationship before we start shagging. I step away from him.
“Let’s go.” He stills, even holding on to his breath, what did I say I wonder? Then I get it.
“Out I mean, let’s go out.” He thought I meant let’s go for it, bed, sex or whatever, shit that was close.
We drive into London and have dinner at a beautiful Italian restaurant in Knightsbridge, it’s very posh and there are a couple of photographers hanging about outside so it’s obviously somewhere that celebs hang out but the pap’s aren’t interested in the likes of us. The staff seem to know who Cam is though, greeting him by name and making a fuss while we are led to our table. We sit, chat and enjoy the food and the wine and each other’s company; I learn that he has a flat above the wine bar, making us neighbours. He has a flat in Islington and a house out in Stock, near Billericay but he doesn’t get out to it much because of work commitments. I’m not really sure what those commitments are as he’s a little evasive when I question him. We talk about my work and I explain how mine and my Mum’s business came about and how we got the name of Posh Frocks from what my Dad always called anything my Mum wore.
My heart began to hammer in my chest a little too hard when he asked about my brothers, it pounded in my throat, making it difficult to get air in and I thought I was going to have a full blown panic attack when he asked what Lennon and Marley did. I stared down at the table and tried to control my breathing, focusing on the food left on my plate, which is entirely the wrong thing to do, as the thought of food is adding to the nausea I’m starting to feel and the fear of being sick, starts adding to my panic. His hand reaches across the table to mine, where it’s clenched into a fist, gripping hold of my napkin; he takes it and uncurls my fingers.
“Georgia, its fine.” I slowly bring my eyes up to meet his and he dips his head slightly, shakes it and says, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it babe, tell me another time.” His deep voice is soft and gentle and I nod slightly as my breathing begins to slow.
This is ridiculous; I’ve been apart from Sean for almost four years. I haven’t seen him once in person in all that time and yet still, just the thought of explaining my brother’s involvement with Carnage and the fear of being questioned about the band has me hyperventilating. F*ck you Sean McCarthy, f*ck you and what you’ve done to my life. As is always the case when I think of him, Sean, my hand goes to my throat, to my silver G that’s being held by angel wings. It sits there as a silent reminder of what was, what I had, what I lost. I need it, as painful as it is, I need to have that link with me at all times, a silent piece of him, as close to my heart as I’ve allowed anything to be over these past years. I pull my hand out from under Cam’s, pick up my napkin and cover my mouth.
“I can’t… I can’t tell you, and I can’t talk about it.” He nods at me, slowly; I take a gulp of my wine, draining my glass. “I’m sorry.”
He gives a little smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes, he looks concerned and I just feel like a complete bitch, I’m out on a date in a posh restaurant and I’m almost in tears over a bloke that cheated on me four years ago and there’s nothing I can do stop it. I can’t change how I feel, I still love Sean, I miss him, I long for him and I can’t talk about him. I only have a few more months before the wedding and I’ll be standing in a church with him and then I’ll be sitting in the same room at the wedding reception as him and no doubt, I will spend the whole day and the whole night, trying, forcing myself not to look at him. Just the thought of that day and how painful it’s going to be has the blood rushing through my ears again and once again I’m swallowing hard, trying to stop the dinner I just ate, from coming back up and reintroducing itself to the plate it was originally served on.
“Do you want to leave Georgia?” Cam asks me very quietly. I nod. I don’t want to speak, I don’t think I can, my chest is so tight, I just wish I could cry, just once, if I could let go of the tears, then perhaps I could let go of some of the pain.
I don’t even notice Cam gesture to the waiter but he must, he’s there with the bill in an instant, Cam pays him in cash and then stands and helps me put on my jacket, the perfect gentleman. We wait for just a few seconds as the valet brings his car around, before he’s even out, Cam has the passenger side door open and helps guide me in, before tipping the valet, taking his keys and sliding in beside me; he pulls silently into the Saturday night traffic of London’s elite SW1 and we drive in silence until we are almost at my flat.
“I’m so sorry about tonight Cam, the restaurant was beautiful, and the food was fantastic, I’m so sorry my stupid behaviour ruined it.”
He keeps his eyes on the road and says nothing, I’ve totally blown it, I like Cam, he’s the first bloke since Sean to stir any kind of interest in me and I’ve just gone and f*cked up any chance I might have had with him and I’ve no idea how I can try to make it better. Perhaps if we f*cked? If we get the f*cking out of the way first, it might help me to move on. I’m pretty sure that Cam would be good in bed, and I’m sure that he’d finally give me the orgasm I was so desperate for. I could DIY it myself no problem, I had invested in the perfect little toy that meant I could come in a matter of seconds on my own, but I hadn’t come with a man in almost four years, since Spain, with Sean, Sean, Sean, f*cking Sean. I let out a huff of frustration that I didn’t mean to, just as Cam parked his car in the spot outside my flat, he finally turned and looked at me.
“Have you ever had help Georgia?”
“What? What kind of help?”
“Psychological help? Help to try and get over whatever it is that happened to you.”
My hand instantly flew up to my neck. “Help to try and get deal with whatever he did to you.” He gestures with the tilt of his chin toward my necklace, where my hand still is, f*cking hell; he thinks I’m mad, he thinks I’m insane, am I? I’m completely f*cked up, I know that much but I don’t know about insane, I choose to ignore the comment and the question.
“Would you like to come in for a coffee?”
“You really want me to come in?”
I nod, I do, I really don’t want to be alone right now. I’m so sick of being alone and I’m so sick of being lonely.
When Sean did what he did in that room, not only did I lose him and the life that we had planned together, I also lost Jimmie, Lennon and Marley, I know I still got to see Len and Jim but we could’ve all been so much closer. I would have been involved with the band, touring with them, seeing my brothers and my best friend almost daily and suddenly, it was all ripped away from me. They all went off and road the fame wave with the band, whilst I quietly slipped off back to school, all on my own. While I’m lost in my own thoughts, Cam has gotten out of the car and come around and opened the door on my side, I stare up at him blankly for a few seconds, before I realise that he’s waiting for me to get out, he takes my hand, puts his other hand on the top of my head so I don’t bump it and guides me out of the car and up the stairs to my flat.
My Dad had insisted on two lots of security doors when his blokes worked on the refurbishment. You unlock the first door, walk along a short corridor and before reaching the front door that eventually lets you into my place; it’s not huge but it’s mine and I’ve decorated it exactly how I wanted to. My Mum wanted florals and dado rails, I wanted plainly painted walls and a leather sofa, a chesterfield in fact, it reminded me of the summerhouse, just the smell of the leather alone would make my belly flip every time I came home; my parents still had that old sofa, Sean and I had had sex on it, more than once. Sean, Sean.
“I think you need a drink not a coffee, what do you have in?” Cam’s concerned voice interrupts my inappropriate thoughts.
“Sorry, what?” I’m sitting on a stool at my breakfast bar and I’ve no idea how I got here.
He doesn’t wait for an answer, he just starts opening cupboards until he finds the bottle of Drambuie I always keep for when my dad comes over, he pulls two whisky tumblers from the shelf above the drink and pours two large measures into both, then adds ice from the freezer. Placing both the glasses down in front of me, he stands on one side of the bench top, and leans forward on his elbows, facing me as I sit on my stool on the other side. He tilts his glass toward me.
“Cheers?’ It’s a question not a toast. I pick up my glass and tap it against his and nod slightly.
“Cheers,” I state.
He looks at me for a long while but I just know he’s going to talk and I know he’s going to ask questions and rightly so, I’ve behaved like a complete head case tonight. He took me out to a nice restaurant; he’s behaved with impeccable manners and has shown the patience of a saint, so he’s more than entitled to ask questions if he feels inclined; whether I’ll answer them without having another complete meltdown is another thing.
“Why do you wear it if it causes you so much pain?”
What is he talking about?
“The necklace, why wear it?” I raise my hand, and then put it back down, he’s very perceptive. My belly flips upside down and then feels like it’s trying to turn itself inside out.
“I really like you Georgia but I need to know what I’m up against. I want to know who I’m up against?” He’s quiet for a few seconds. “I’m not some kind of a cunt, if it’s a bloke and he’s still about, if your still involved, I will walk away and leave you to it. I want you George, f*ck do I want you but I want you to come to me willingly and I want you to come to me single, I don’t share.”
I sip at my drink, enjoying the warmth as it slides down my throat and lands in my acrobatic belly, I watch as he drains his glass and pours himself another. “Are you with someone?” Ha, am I? Sean, yes I’m with Sean but only in my head, in real life, I’m alone, so f*cking alone. “Georgia?”
“No, no I’m not with anybody; I haven’t been with anybody for years. I’m very single.”
“What about all the blokes you came into the wine bar with? You were with them.”
I shrug my shoulders. “No I wasn’t, they were with me, but I was never with them.”
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I wish you’d tell me, if you told me, who, what, I mean give me a f*cking clue here, even about us George. What do you want? Why did you come out with me tonight?”
“You looked after me the other night, you’re getting my car sorted, I like you, I wanted to go out with you but I just can’t talk to you about him.”
“So it is a bloke then?” I nod slightly; he drags one hand through his dark hair.
“Well that’s a start at least. George look, I may be way out of line with this but I’ve gotta ask… This ain’t nothing to do with your brothers is it?”
My stomach is now doing a pirouette as well as back flips, how does he know that?
“They’ve never done anything, I mean, your brothers have never done anything, they’ve never touched you or anything have they?”
What?
“What, no, no, f*ck no, my brothers are my, I love my brothers. What the f*ck are you saying?”
“Every time I mention them, I mean, the younger two, you freak out, I thought it had something to do with them, I thought they’d done something to ya. I’m sorry if I’m wrong but I had to ask.”
“F*cking hell Cam, what sort of a family do you think I come from? What sort of person dya think I am? It’s nothing like that, nothing.”
“Then what for f*cks sake? I’m f*cking lost George, everything I say is wrong, everything I say sends you off somewhere, I lose you for a few seconds or you look like you’re about to hyperventilate and I have no idea what it is that I’ve said that has caused that.”
I feel terrible, I like him, I really do like him but I have no idea how far I’m willing to take this, if I’m willing to take this any further than a few dates and a few f*cks, I’m just a mess and he deserves better.
“It’s a bloke and I’m not over it, I’m not over him, I don’t know if I ever will be, no one else has ever come close. The others, Lee and the other nine I’ve strung along for the last six months were just…” I shrug and look around the room while I try to think of a word. “They were revenge, they were payback. They were me, trying to make myself feel better. They were me being a bad person.”
“And is that what this is? Is that what I am, revenge? You trying to make yourself feel better?”
“No!” I almost shout, because it’s not and I don’t want him to think that.
“No Cam, that’s the problem, I like you, you’re the first.” F*ck, I think I might actually cry, for the first time in four years, I think I might actually cry. I swallow it down. “You’re the first since him that has made me feel anything, the others were nothing, I felt nothing. But you, you’re different and I’m struggling, I’ve never let anyone one in, I’ve not allowed myself to feel, I’ve never even cried… since him, not once.”
He looks at me confused. “When was this, how long ago?”
“Almost four years.”
“You haven’t cried in four years?”
“No,” I say quietly and shake my head.
He comes around the breakfast bar and stands in front of where I’m sitting on the stool, he opens his legs, placing them either side of mine so that he can get closer and wraps his arms around me, pulling my head to his chest. “What the f*ck did he do to you baby girl, what did he do? I want you to know, I want to make it better.”
I tilt my head back so I can look at him. “Cam, I really do like you but you need to know, you need to understand.” I pause and shrug, trying to think of how to explain this. “There’s only him, it will always be him, there’s no room for anyone else, wherever we go with this, you need to understand that, my heart is sealed and there’s only him that’s locked inside.”
He closes his eyes for a split second too long, like what I’ve just said has called him physical pain. “But you don’t know me Georgia; you haven’t had a chance to get to know me. If you let me, I will blow your mind baby.”
He smiles at me, a full on sexy smile and I’ve no doubt that he is more than capable of blowing my mind, whether he can blow that wall down that’s around my heart is another thing.