Broken and Screwed (BS #1)

“Please shut up.”


“Oh. Sure.” She shrugged, but gave me a f**k-off smile as she switched her legs. When she was more comfortable, she sank back against the door and wiggled her eyebrows. “But, man, that was hot.”

“Oh god,” I groaned. Flashbacks of us came at me at breakneck speed. His hand was under my dress; both of our hands were under my dress. I wanted him to touch my breast. Then I was on top of him. I groaned as they kept coming.

“Yep. Sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Stop,” I moaned, cradling my head with my hands. Shame coursed through me, filled with regret. I didn’t regret Jesse or wanting Jesse, but the place. I wholeheartedly regretted the place. Oh my god. We were in a nightclub. We were in public.

“Now will you thank me?”

“Thank you.” I glared at her as I did. “Cut me a break. It hasn’t been an easy night, you know.”

The snarky tilt to her mouth dropped and her eyes widened as she shot off the garbage bin. “I’m sorry, Alex. I am. I sort of forgot about the game and…”

And Ethan.

“And everything,” she finished.

I jerked my head in a nod, but turned for the sink and splashed some water on my face.

“Don’t smudge your make-up.”

I looked up. Too late. The mascara was smudged, my concealer was in clumps, and my lipstick had long ago been rubbed off. I was a mess.

“What am I going to do?” I heaved a deep sigh. What the hell was going on with me? I’d been a crying fool in front of thousands and now I almost had sex in public. Thousands could’ve seen that, too.

Angie gave me a sympathetic smile and stood in front of me. She flipped the water on and dabbed a paper towel under the faucet. Then her gentle hands took my face as she started to wipe away the rest of my smudged make-up. While she did, she asked, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.” I was already at the mercy of her hands.

She hesitated a second, but asked, “Why did you sleep with him?”

“What?” I stiffened and opened an eye, but she started dabbing my eyelashes. Then I took another deep breath. I felt the confession building inside of me.

“I thought you were going to wait, you know, for a steady boyfriend? And you wanted to make sure he loved you back. Why’d you break that vow to sleep with Jesse?” She chuckled to herself. “I mean, I get it. I do. You two have some damn amazing chemistry, but still, that’s what you preached before…”

I felt her hesitation again. It stung.

“Before Ethan died,” she finished as she started scrubbing the other side of my face.

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, Alex. You do too know.”

“No, I don’t. The night we did it, the first night was hard. Ethan had just died and it was his funeral that night.”

“I always wondered where you went that night, but I stopped wondering.” Angie sounded far away. Her voice was so soft. “That was the beginning when you never seemed with us, you know.”

“I know.” And I did, because a part of me had died with Ethan. I had ceased feeling grounded, except with Jesse. He grounded me, he anchored me. “So that was the first night, and honestly, it wasn’t something I planned. He was hurting. I was hurting. We stayed the night together and everything went away, just for the night. The next morning was a whole other thing to deal with, though.”

“So you lost your virginity to him?”

“I did.” And I didn’t regret it. I loved Jesse. He might not love me, but I loved him and I needed to be with him. Even though it wasn’t permanent and had lasted longer than I had thought it would, I would never regret giving myself to him.

“Are you happy that you did that? I mean, he’s not boyfriend material, Alex, but you’re still with him. The two of you have some weird relationship together. It’s not healthy.”

“It’s not.” But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

“What about someone like Eric?”

I held my breath. My heart picked up its pace as I waited for her to continue.

She lifted my face and started to wipe underneath my jaw. She cleaned it all up. “You know he’d date you. He’s a good guy. He’d treat you right, be patient with you. He would go the extra mile for you and I think you know that. Jesse wouldn’t do that for you.”

But he already had, in some ways.

I sighed and looked down. What was I doing? Why was I such a mess inside?

She moved away and washed her hands under the faucet, but leaned against the sink when she was done. I looked up now. The somberness in her eyes nearly brought me to tears. Oh god. What was I doing to make a friend like Angie worry so much for me?

I whispered, “What do you want me to do?”

“Stop it.”

A tear slipped out. Then I nodded.

She added, firmer, “Stop it right now.”