43. Spontonaeity
"This is a perfect beach day!" I declared sarcastically while we walked against the whipping wind that flooded my body with goose bumps.
"It's not that bad," Sara defended, her arms folded around several blankets. "The sun's out."
"Wish I could feel it," I griped, carrying a bag of food and another of "beach toys" that the guys had packed. Sara rolled her eyes and kept walking.
We were somehow able to spread out the blanket. The guys lowered the cooler on one corner to keep it from blowing away. I set the bags on two other corners, and Sara tucked the fourth in the sand.
I ventured toward the shoreline to take in the rolling waves with my arms tucked against my body, warding off the cold wind that blew my hair from my face. Evan wrapped his arms around me and spoke in my ear. "Want to get under a blanket with me?"
I turned toward him and smirked. "Are you propositioning me?"
"Maybe," he replied coyly, bending down to kiss me.
Evan grabbed one of the blankets and sat down with his arms spanned wide, waiting for me to lower myself in front of him. I leaned back between his knees and he wrapped the blanket around us. My body temperature elevated instantly.
"Much better," I smiled, continuing to watch the waves crash before us.
"Really, it's not that cold." Sara shook her head at us.
"Do you know what would be great right about now?" Jared proposed. "Hot chocolate."
"Yes!" I exclaimed enthusiastically.
"Too bad," Sara shot back. "I didn't pack any."
"Want us to go buy some?" Evan suggested.
"No," I returned quickly. "You're keeping me warm."
"Fine," Sara huffed, "if you really want some, we'll go." She stood up and waited for Jared before heading toward the boardwalk in search of a coffee shop.
Evan held me against him, and I got lost in the waves, mesmerized by their rhythm. Every once in awhile I could feel the heat of the sun on my face, fighting through the gusts.
"It really isn't that bad," Evan said in my ear.
"Yes it is," I countered, "but I'm good as long as you stay here." I pulled his arms tighter around me and snuggled under his chin.
"So I have the perfect night planned out."
"Really?" I questioned, knowing he meant the night before prom. "And why do you get to do all the planning? Maybe I wanted to."
"Umm, okay," he responded hesitantly. "How about we split up the weekend? I have the night before, and you have prom night."
"That's not exactly fair," I argued. "Your night is already going to be better than mine since we're having sex."
Evan laughed. "We don't have to."
"Oh yes we do," I stressed. "Okay, fine. It's probably not going to be that great anyway, so you have Friday, and I'll have Saturday. And mine will be better."
"You're making this into a competition?" he mused with a chuckle.
"Yeah," I grinned. "And wait until you see me in my prom dress. You're definitely going to say my night is better."
"But my night, I get to see you without anything on at all, so I'm pretty certain mine will be better."
I jabbed him in the ribs with my elbow. Evan released a groaning laugh and tilted me back so I was looking up at him. He wrapped the blanket tighter around us and kissed me. His cheeks felt hot against my cold nose. I slid my arms around his neck, and he enveloped us in the dark, pulling the blanket over our heads.
The sand shifted under me as he laid me down. Evan lowered himself beside me with his leg between mine. I pulled him closer, finding his lips again, the heat of his breath swirling through me with the touch of his tongue. My heart beat erratically as he pressed closer, his hand sliding across my stomach, underneath my layers.
I ran my fingers in his hair, releasing an excited breath as his mouth trailed along my neck. I could feel his body tense as I held him tight against me, breathing heavily. He pulled up, but I couldn’t read his face.
"What is it?" The sun blinded me as Evan pulled back the blanket to peek out.
"I thought I heard them," he said, dropping the blanket again. He lowered back down to kiss me.
Before we could get too worked up, I interrupted with, "They will probably be back soon." The brief interlude made me realize we were in the middle of the beach, and despite how secluded it felt under the blanket, I could only imagine what it looked like to anyone walking by.
"Yeah," Evan groaned reluctantly, folding the blanket back.
I sat up and smoothed my hair into a ponytail. Evan ran his hand along my back as he remained lying on the blanket with his arm under his head.
"Two weeks," he sighed. I grinned.
"We don't have to wait until then," I offered. "It doesn't have to be planned."
"But I have a plan," he returned. "So, I can wait."
I smiled. "You're funny."
"Why?" he questioned smiling too.
"All of your surprises," I explained. "You come across spontaneous, but the truth is you plan out everything. And Sara thinks I'm bad."
"I can be spontaneous," he defended.
"Okay, then let's have sex right here, right now," I proposed.
"Here?" Evan scanned the beach. It was practically deserted, since any sane person would deem it too cold. But there were still a few crazy people walking along the shoreline, bundled up. "You want to have sex right now?" He watched for my reaction, to see if I was serious.
I caved. "Fine. No. But I was trying to make a point."
"I can be spontaneous," he repeated. "You wait."
"You can't plan to be spontaneous," I teased.
"Hey," Sara said, drawing our attention as they neared us. She set the tray of hot chocolate on the blanket. "It's not that bad out if you move around."
"Thanks for getting these," I replied, taking a hot chocolate. "But I'm still staying under the blanket."
"Football?" Jared offered Evan.
"Sure," Evan agreed, leaving me with a quick kiss. The heat escaped with his departure. I pulled the blanket around me with a shiver.
"Your hair's a mess." Sara eyed me suspiciously. "What were you two doing while we were gone?"
"Keeping warm," I answered, my cheeks igniting as I took a sip of hot chocolate. We watched the guys toss the football and chase after it as it got carried away in the wind.
"Do you swear Evan doesn't know anything about tomorrow?"
"No, he has no clue," Sara promised. "He still thinks he's spending the day with his brother, hiking."
"Good," I smiled.
"I think you're going to pull it off."
"I hope so," I returned, my stomach churning with nervous energy just thinking about what I had planned for his birthday.
We turned our attention back toward the guys.
"Emma, if you ever want to visit your mother in the hospital, I'll go with you," Sara offered suddenly.
"No," I shook my head. "I don't want to see her. I can't."
"Alright," she replied, her voice low and careful. "Em, are you okay?"
I heard the weight of concern in her question. "I'm getting there," I assured her with a small smile. "Can't say my life's boring."
Sara let out a sharp laugh. "What? That's kind of a twisted thing to say."
I shrugged, accepting that it was true. But her comment made me think of Jonathan, and my shoulders sank. I hadn't talked to him since the day I’d called him from Evan’s. We’d texted a few times, but each text felt strained. I knew I'd need to face him eventually. He’d said he wanted me to be honest. But I wasn't so sure that he was prepared to hear the truth, and I was afraid to tell him.
Sara pulled a blanket around her, giving in to the fact that it really wasn't warm. The guys jogged back to us, their faces red and hair disheveled.
Evan cuddled in under the blanket. "Omigod, you're freezing." I tensed away from his frigid touch.
"I know," he pulled me closer, "I need you to help warm me up."
I squirmed under the blanket with a yelping laugh when he tried to put his frigid hands under my shirt.
"Okay, fine," Sara conceded with heavy breath, "let's go back to my house where it's above seventy degrees and we can go swimming."
"Thank you." I jumped up to gather our things, wanting more than anything to get out of the pelting wind. We packed up and headed to the car.
"Do you want to come back to my place instead?" he asked me when we were in the backseat, on our way back to Weslyn. "I was hoping to spend some time with you before Jared and I head off for the hike tomorrow."
I grinned and nodded, unable to face him―afraid my grin would give away that I was hiding something. "I like that idea. Do you mind if I shower first, to get the sand and salt off?"
"Sure. You can just meet me at my place when you're done."
Sara didn't have an issue when I told her I was going to spend the rest of the day with Evan. I was pretty certain she wanted some alone time of her own with Jared. I found Evan in the backyard when I arrived, sitting under the oak tree, waiting for me.
"I can't believe we spent most of the day freezing," I said, pulling myself up on the swing. I soaked in the warmth of the lowering sun as I swayed back and forth. "It was beautiful here all day."
"The day's not over yet," Evan said, leaning in and gripping the wood to give me a push. "We can enjoy it 'til it's over."
"What does that mean?" I questioned. "Isn't that what we're doing?"
Evan laughed. "It is. But, how about you stay the night? It's supposed to be pretty nice tonight. We can sleep outside."
"Like camping?" I clarified.
"That's a better idea. I think I have a tent in the garage. We can sleep in the backyard, or we can go to the meadow. The sky will look incredible out there, away from the lights. What do you think?"
"Evan," I grinned accusingly, "did you plan this?"
He started laughing. "No, I swear. It just came to me when you were talking about missing out on today. I'm going to be gone all of tomorrow, so let me spend the rest of today with you."
"So you're being spontaneous?" I teased. He smiled and intercepted my swing, placing his hands on the board on either side of my hips. He leaned in and kissed me gently.
"Will you please stay over?" he whispered, brushing his lips across mine again.
"Yes," I replied in a breath with my eyes closed, leaning in for another touch that made my head spin. He kissed me a little longer, and I thought I was going to fall off the swing.
He pulled away. "C'mon, Emma." He held out his hand and I jumped off the swing to take it.
We gathered sleeping bags and the tent, along with firewood and other essentials from the barn. Evan packed us sandwiches and drinks. I grabbed marshmallows, making Evan smile. We strapped everything into the trailer on the back of the ATV.
"I like spontaneity," I announced as we headed into the woods. Evan grinned as he drove us further along the trail toward the meadow.
As the sun tucked behind the trees, we set the tent up in the clearing, closer to the brook where the grass wasn't as long. Evan pulled out a small shovel and dug a fire pit.
While he stacked the wood near the pit and prepared a fire, I set up the interior of the tent.
"You brought an air mattress?" I questioned when I pulled the sleeping bags out of the trailer.
"I thought it would be more comfortable," he explained. "I know you're still a little sore."
"Thanks," I grinned.
Evan lit the fire as the hues in the sky transitioned from orange to dark purple. The lingering warmth teased that summer was right around the corner, but still far enough away to make me yearn for it. Evan laid out a thick blanket in front of the fire where we sat to eat.
"I really do like it out here," I shared with an easy smile.
"Me too," Evan agreed. "Does Sara know you're staying over?"
"Ooh, no," I said with a grimace. "I left my phone in my car. Do you have yours?"
"No, it's in my room," he said. "Do you want to go back to call her?"
"She knows I'm with you, so she'll cover for me. Anna and Carl trust you."
Evan grinned. "I'm sure they might hesitate if they knew we weren't sleeping in separate rooms tonight."
"No, I think they would still trust you."
After we finished eating, I lay back on the blanket. The sky was filling in with stars as the darkness spread.
"Everything seems so possible when I look up in the sky and see the universe gleaming before me."
"It is," Evan replied, laying next to me to take in the same view.
"Wanna know something I realized?" I continued without waiting for Evan to respond. "I've spent most of my life trying to make it to a future that still hasn't happened, or avoid a past that won't let me go. I don't remember when I've ever just stopped to live in the present, to hold on to the seconds I'm in."
"Well, your future's still unfolding, you'll just have to let it happen as it intends to. But what's keeping you from being free of your past?"
I thought for a moment. "Forgiveness."
"Do you forgive me?"
I shifted my head toward him with my brows knotted. "Why would I need to forgive you?"
Evan tilted his head to the side to look into my eyes. "Because I kept it from you... what happened that night."
"But I didn't want to know, so you did what you thought I needed." I turned back to the stars. We listened to the crickets chirp in the stillness.
"Evan?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me one thing that I still don't understand?"
"I'll try."
"How did my ankle shatter?"
Evan was silent. I zoned in on a single star above me and waited. "She had a hammer. I saw it on the bed next to your foot." His voice was low and strained. I closed my eyes, the strangled words overtaking me.
"That's why you couldn't do that Art project, isn't it? Why you had to leave the room that day?"
I reached for his hand. It was hot and tense. I slipped my fingers through his and he gripped them tightly.
"I forgive you," I breathed. "Now you have to forgive me."
"For what?"
"Not listening. For staying when both you and Sara begged me not to. For not telling anyone and convincing you to remain quiet too. For not asking for help. For―"
"That's enough," he cut me off. My heart pounded hard, thinking of the many reasons I needed to be forgiven that I still hadn't named. Evan raised my hand to his lips and kissed it. He rolled on his side and intercepted my view, his eyes glassy and full of emotion.
"I forgive you," he whispered. My throat closed and I swallowed against the tears that pooled in the corners of my eyes. "I forgive you," he whispered again, running his hand along the side of my face. My eyes shut with the tenderness of his touch. "I forgive you," he breathed, his voice wavering. I opened my eyes to see the tear glisten as it rolled down his cheek.
I opened my mouth to speak. My lip quivered and the words remained choked in the back of my throat.
"Now, Emma, you need to forgive yourself."
I pressed my lips together and closed my eyes, the tears caught in my lashes. Before I could open them again, my breath was captured by the firmness of his lips. That kiss said every word left unspoken. It filled me with more emotion than I thought possible to contain.
I leaned toward him and he wrapped his arms around me, fusing us together. His heart beat against my chest, thumping so hard it reverberated throughout my entire body. His mouth slid over mine. I could taste our tears, the salt lingering on his lips and over my tongue.
My heart ached with each kiss. I couldn't get close enough to him, pulling him into me. I needed him more than I needed to breathe.
I pulled back and slid my shirt over my head. His warm hands ran along my back, unclasping. Our mouths collided with such frenzy, we couldn't catch our breath. Evan lifted his shirt over his head. His taught muscles pressed against my bare skin. The heat of our flesh melding us.
Evan rolled me on my back and trailed his mouth down my neck and over my skin, inciting a swirl of heat that rushed through my body. We slipped out of our clothes, only separating long enough to toss them aside. I knew him, every inch of him, but never like this.
The tenderness of his touch captured my breath. My heart thumped with each burst of air escaping my lips. I pressed my eyes closed, my brows pulled together. He intercepted my staggered breath, his mouth engulfing mine. I could feel everything and nothing all at once, my body tensing. I clasped his hand, locking my fingers in his, arching up to meet his mouth again before exhaling and floating back to the blanket.
I lay motionless, caught in the recovery with my pulse thrumming. Evan reached in his pocket, removed the wrapper and returned to me. My heart stammered, as he lowered himself, watching me intently.
I took in a sharp breath when he found me.
"Are you okay?" Evan asked, looking into my eyes.
"Yeah," I exhaled, wrapping my legs around him.
His rhythm was gentle and slow. My breath became drawn and I closed my eyes. I ran my hands along his back, gripping him as his pace quickened.
I opened my eyes. His lips were parted and his breaths erratic. I reached up to taste him, his tongue slipping into my mouth. He pulled away with a rush of air. Looking into me. Seeing more than I ever thought possible. Vulnerable and exposed. Love and desire. My chest swelled with every fathomable emotion―I thought I might burst.
His chest was slick with sweat as he slid against me. I ran my mouth along his salty skin, my entire body pulsing. Evan clenched his eyes shut and his body became rigid, slowing until he melted on top of me. His chest thumping against my stomach as we surrendered to the calm. I kept my arms wrapped around him as he recovered in slow breaths, with his head on my chest.
"Am I hurting you?" he asked, and then clarified, "Your ribs?"
I shook my head, having completely forgotten about them.
"I like listening to your heart," he said, holding my hand. "It's beating so fast."
Evan lifted his head to inspect me, sweat trickling along his sculpted face and down his neck. "Are you cold?"
I shook my head.
"Can you talk?"
I shook my head again. He grinned, reaching up to kiss me softly. He eased away. The cool air wicked the sweat from my body with a shiver. He leaned over and grabbed the edge of the blanket, folding it over us, positioning me so I was on his arm as we both lay on our sides, facing each other.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his eyes twitching slightly in concern.
"Yes," I smiled brightly, making him smile in return. Then I started laughing.
"What's so funny?" he questioned, his eyes twinkling.
"I love spontaneity."
Evan smiled wider. He leaned over and brushed his lips across mine. "I love you, Emma."