27. Lines Blurred
"Did you remember your bathing suit?"
"Huh?" I turned toward Sara, who was awaiting my answer with her shoulder against her locker. She'd caught me staring at nothing again. Thinking about my mother and wondering why I didn't see her this morning. I'd expected her to come home to get ready for work. Maybe she borrowed something from Sharon. From what I knew of Sharon, the choices must have been limited.
“You brought your bathing suit, right?" Sara repeated with her brows scrunched. "For Jill's party tonight."
"Yeah," I answered. "Are we staying at her place or going back to yours?"
"Not sure yet," she replied, walking next to me until we had to go our separate ways. "See you at lunch." I nodded and headed downstairs.
I felt like I was sleepwalking the entire day. The voices were murmurs of incoherent noise. I jotted down notes without really understanding what the teacher was talking about. Everything around me went by in a blur, but I was moving in slow motion.
I expected Sara and Evan to say something, but they didn't. It struck me that perhaps they weren't surprised by my glazed over stare and lack of contribution to their conversations. They always looked at me like they were worried, so today was apparently just like every other day. But it felt... off.
I wasn't sure I could explain it, but there was something that didn't feel right. I knew I was exhausted, not having slept more than a couple of hours, but it was more than that. There was a queasiness in the bottom of my stomach, like I had forgotten to turn off the iron or something―but much worse.
I drove to the soccer field after school. The rest of the soccer team hadn't arrived yet, since practice didn’t start for forty-five minutes. I usually did homework and changed at school, but today I drove straight here. I reclined my seat and stared up at the clouds, waiting. I figured I'd change as the rest of the girls started to arrive.
My lids became heavier the longer I stared. I closed them, convinced I'd wake when the cars began pulling in.
"Do you have your cleats?"
"Yup," I answered, picking them up by their laces.
"Do you have your shin guards?"
"Yup." I stuffed them under arm.
"Do you have your coach?"
"Daaad," I laughed. "Stop being silly."
"I just wanted to make sure you had everything," he teased. "Guess I'll be in charge of the soccer star." He scooped me up in his arms and tickled my belly, making me squirm and squeal in delight. The he pulled me in to kiss me on the cheek.
"We're going to win today," I told him, my voice proud and confident.
"We're going to have fun today," he corrected, rubbing the top of my head as he carried me to the car.
When we arrived at the soccer field, I raced ahead to join my friends while my dad unloaded the soccer balls out of the trunk.
But as I got closer, the kids' laughter grew quiet, and the wind picked up. I squinted against the bright sun, spinning in a circle. Everyone was gone.
"Dad?" I called out, searching for him. My hair whipped in my face. I clumsily pushed it out of my face, trying to see. "Dad!" I yelled, becoming more and more frightened. I spun around again, but I was alone. "Dad!" I screamed.
"Emma!" I opened my eyes and shot up in the seat, blinking around in surprise, disoriented by the sun setting behind the trees. There was a knock on my window.
"Emma, have you been in your car the entire time?" Casey asked from outside. She was sweaty and her face was flushed. I opened my door and swung my feet onto the dirt parking lot, trying to catch my breath. "You missed the entire practice."
"I did?" I shook my head, trying to pull away from the dream completely. "I can't believe I did that."
"I hope coach will let you play in the game on Sunday."
"Is he still here?" I asked, searching the fairly vacant lot.
"No," Casey replied. "I was about to leave when I saw your car. Are you okay? Are you sick or something?"
"No," I shook my head. "I got here early, and guess I dozed off. I still can't believe I slept that long. Wow."
"Are you going to Jill's tonight?"
"Yeah. I should get to Sara's. I'll see you there I guess."
"Okay," she replied with an unsure smile. "You'll be at practice tomorrow, right?"
"I will," I promised, hoping missing practice hadn't jeopardized my starting position for Sunday.
The team was part of a traveling spring soccer league. It wasn't affiliated with the school district, and there were strict rules about missing practice―especially since we only practiced a few days a week. Coach wanted to make certain every player was serious about being there. He was more than willing to replace anyone who slacked. I needed this league to get in shape for Stanford and didn't want to jeopardize it by falling asleep in my car.
When I arrived at Sara's, I found her and Anna laughing in the kitchen. Sara was taking bites from a slice of red pepper that she'd plucked from a cutting board while Anna cut up ingredients for a salad. I felt like I was intruding, and it struck me that I hadn't knocked. Maybe I was supposed to now that I didn't live here.
"Emma," Sara exclaimed when she saw me. "Perfect timing. You can tell my mother that she is wrong about Kyle, and that he's not going to bring his college friends to this party tonight."
"Um," I began, trying to catch up. "No, Kyle's not like that."
"Oh, because he likes hanging out with high schoolers, even though he graduated last year," Anna rebutted with a smirk. "I'm sure he's going to bring some friends from Syracuse."
I shook my head when she said it, realizing who that could mean. "I hope not."
Sara started laughing, catching sight of my dread. "That could mean Drew. Em, that would suck so bad. I have to call Jill." She disappeared upstairs before I could say anything, even though her phone was in the front pocket of her jeans.
"It's great to see you, Emma," Anna offered, mixing the contents of the salad in a bowl. "I feel like it's been a while since you've been over. How is everything going with your mother? I just had lunch with her the other day. She seems so happy."
"Really?" I tried not to sound so surprised. "Everything's really... good."
"I'm glad to hear that. She and I talk a few times a week, so I get the updates on your busy schedule. But we've missed having you around."
Before I could react to her comment, the front door opened and Carl bellowed hello.
"Hi, Dad," Sara said as she came down the stairs. They appeared around the corner together.
"Emma, I'm glad you're here," Carl acknowledged, setting down his briefcase. "How've you been?
"Great," I replied automatically.
"I spoke with your Stanford coach today, and I have your housing information. I think we should look into booking a flight soon."
"Uh, yeah, sure," I replied, hit with the realization that graduation was only two months away. "I'm staying the night, so maybe we can do it tomorrow."
"Sounds good," he agreed. "I'm going to change before dinner." He kissed Anna on the cheek. "Do you need me to do anything?"
"No. Dinner's ready whenever you come down."
When Carl was out of earshot, Sara told us, "Jill said Kyle was bringing a few friends, but she wasn't sure who they were. But it's not going to be a crazy college party or anything, Mom."
"I just want you to be smart," Anna warned. "Call me if you need a ride home, okay?"
Sara smiled, her eyes twinkling, "Of course." I knew what she was thinking, that this party was just like any other―including the one we had here in their house, the one they still had no clue about.
We arrived early to Jill's, as promised. Jill needed our approval on her outfit―or I should say, Sara's approval. Casey was already there as well, along with... Analise.
I tried to keep smiling when I saw her, but I knew I’d failed when Sara elbowed me in the ribs. "I forgot she was coming," she whispered beside me. "I better not drink too much. I might get too honest."
I smirked, actually curious what Sara would say to Analise if she wasn't filtered.
"But if she mentions Evan once tonight, I may not be able to hold back, sober or not."
"Sara," I laughed, "he talked to her. It's been a little better the last couple of weeks."
"I suppose," she admitted with a sigh. "When's Evan getting here anyway? Who's he coming with?"
I pulled out my phone to check if he'd texted me. There was a missed call from an unfamiliar number along with a new voice message. My stomach flipped. "I can't remember," I admitted, suddenly distracted.
"You're particularly more out of it than usual today," she noted.
"I know," I sighed. I was about to make an excuse to go to the bathroom, so I could listen to the message, when I was interrupted by a scream.
Sara and I rushed into the room, where the scream was now followed by yelling. "You, f*ck!" Jill reamed. "I can't believe you spilled a drink on Dad's leather couch. The party hasn't even started yet and you're already making a mess. Get out of here! Get out!"
The young guy with the bright red face and curly dark hair was trying to wipe up the mess with a piece of paper from the printer, which wasn't doing anything except spreading it around.
"Stop it," Jill scolded, "you're making it worse. I'm pissed that you have you to be here at all."
Casey squeezed by us with a roll of paper towels.
Sara pursed her lips to keep from laughing. "Glad I'm an only child."
That's when I recognized him from a family picture hanging on the wall in the dining room. He was Jill's younger brother.
"How old is he?" I asked, walking away from the drama and into the kitchen.
"He's a freshman," Sara told me. "I guess he threatened to tell Jill's parents about the party unless he and a few of his friends could stay. She was so pissed. Don't you remember her telling us this at lunch?"
"Uh, no. Another black out moment, sorry."
Sara scrunched her eyes. I knew she wanted to ask me if I was okay, but then she knew what my answer would be.
I looked at the clock and wondered what my mother was doing tonight. I’d texted her to say that I was staying over at Sara's, but she’d never responded. I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.
"I'll be right back," I told Sara. "I'm going to use the bathroom while I still can." She nodded, and I walked down the hall and into the floral inspired bathroom.
I locked the door and pressed the code on my phone to listen to my message. It wasn't what I expected at all. "Hello, Emily. This is Vivian. I was hoping you were available for brunch on Sunday morning at eleven. I have someone I would very much like you to meet. You are welcome to call me back at this number. I look forward to hearing from you."
I removed the phone from my ear, completely taken by surprise.
Within an hour, the house was starting to fill with juniors and seniors, and the handpicked five or so freshmen who were friends with Jill's brother. Evan arrived with a couple of guys from the baseball team. When I saw their faces, I vaguely remembered him mentioning that he was coming with them.
I smiled at the sight of him, cutting through the crowd. He was easy to spot since he was taller than just about everyone, and I'm certain we were easy to locate with Sara's fiery red hair standing out in the crowd.
"Hi," I glowed. He bent down and kissed me.
"So how's the party so far?" he asked, resting his hand on my back.
"It's actually pretty great," Sara intercepted before I could shrug it away as any other party. "Did you bring you swimsuit? Jill has a huge hot tub on her parents’ deck that she's only allowing a few of us to use later."
"I didn't," Evan replied. "I may have shorts in my car though."
"That's great," a chipper voice said from beside us. I hadn't noticed Analise hovering until now. How long had she been standing there?
Sara squeezed my arm at the sight of her. I was beginning to get the impression that Analise got to Sara more than she got to me―if that was possible.
"Do you mean she told you about it, too?" Sara asked Analise, not hiding her detestation.
"Yeah," Analise replied unaffected. "She said it fits like twenty people or something. I guess Jill's parents have parties all of the time."
"That's what I heard," Sara nodded. Then she mumbled, "Let's hope they put extra chlorine in it."
I eyed her in confusion as Evan chuckled and said, "Nice, Sara. That's pretty gross."
I scrunched my face in disgust. Sara rolled her eyes at me for taking so long to understand what she was insinuating.
"Don't you dare try to get out of it," Sara threatened. "If I'm going in, so are you."
"Great," I groaned, completely disturbed by the thought of what had potentially gone on in the hot tub.
Kyle arrived with a keg and some guys from college. I moved away from the crowd of people rushing toward the free beer, so I had no idea who came in with him. I was pretty certain that if Drew was one of them, I'd know soon enough.
I tried to be social, truly I did. But I kept looking at my phone to see if my mother had called or texted me. I wanted to ask where she was or even how she was, but I was afraid it would seem like I was checking up on her. Well, I was checking up on her.
"Let's get our suits," Sara suggested, returning from refilling her glass with some red drink Jill had concocted.
"Where's Evan?" Sara asked as we made our way to Jill's room.
"Not sure," I answered. "He went to get a drink and then to get his shorts, I think. I guess he'll find us."
Sara knocked on the door. "Who is it?"
"Jill, open the door. It's Sara and Emma."
The door opened cautiously with a pair of eyes peeking through the crack. Sara rolled her eyes and pushed the door open, making the girl behind it stumble backwards. There were several girls in the room, adjusting their bathing suits and double checking their appearances in the mirror. Sara grabbed her suit and began changing, not caring who saw her. I waited my turn for the bathroom. I had never been comfortable changing in front of anyone―even after years of being on sports teams and having girls change in front of me without a care. I usually had too much to think about, like where my bruises were and who would see them. Now, I supposed it was just a habit that I couldn't quite break.
Before I left the bathroom, I examined my back one final time to make sure the scarred striations were barely visible. There were only a few of them where the belt had cut deep enough to leave a scar, but they were still there―even after a year. I convinced myself it would be too dark to see them, and besides, I'd be in the water.
I emerged wearing a white bikini top with orange polka dots and shorts covering the striped bottoms. I secured my hair high on my head to keep it from getting wet and folded a towel over my arm.
I wanted to ask Sara if the marks were noticeable, but I didn't want to draw attention to them. Instead, I pulled a tank top on until we were in the dark. I followed as we were led out a sliding door onto a private deck. The deck wrapped around the back of the house where the hot tub was letting off billows of steam into the cool April night. It had rained most of the day so the wood was wet and cold under my feet. I didn't have the numbing power of alcohol to make me oblivious to the cold like most of the girls.
There were already four or five people in the hot tub. I noticed Evan was one of them, and next to him was Analise. The predictability of that was nauseating. Worse than that, sitting next to her was Drew. I stopped abruptly. One of the giggling girls behind me bumped against my shoulder.
"Sorry," she said as she passed.
"Oh, shit," Sara breathed from beside me. "Where did he come from?"
Evan caught my eye and smiled, then saw my face and shrugged dismissively. If he could get over it, especially after getting into a fight with Drew last year, then I could too. The tightness in my stomach indicated otherwise.
I stripped off the shorts and tank top and slipped into the water. The heat of the water instantly warding off the goosebumps that erupted while walking across the cold deck in my bikini.
I waded across to the other side and slid next to Evan. He draped his arm behind me. The water foamed and bubbled up over my chest as I sank into it, relaxed by its warmth.
"I like the suit," Evan leaned over and said into my ear. I grinned.
"That's right," I noted, "you've never seen me in a bathing suit before. This is actually the first time I've worn it." We'd gone to the beach a couple of times last summer, but I was still in a cast. I ended up wearing shorts and a tank top since I couldn't go in the water.
"We'll definitely be going to the beach this summer," Evan smiled. I couldn't help but look past him at Analise who was watching us, her eyes darting away quickly when I caught her. And I knew Drew was as well, with his elbows out over the sides and a beer in one hand.
"Hey, Emma," he offered, raising his bottle in the air. I nodded with a small smile before looking away.
Sara was across from us, talking to Jill and Natalie. She called Analise over to join them. Analise couldn't refuse, and I knew Sara had done it on purpose. Thankfully a few more people entered and sat between Evan and Drew. This could not get any more awkward.
"I think I need to convince my parents to get a hot tub," Evan said, running his hand over the top of my thigh, causing me to inhale quickly, but no one noticed. They couldn't see under the water. "They can put it out by the pool that we never use."
"That's right, I've never actually seen your pool uncovered," I replied, taking a hold of his hand that was teasing the inside of my thigh. My face couldn't have been any redder, but that wasn't noticeable either in these conditions.
"Evan," I scolded under my breath, squeezing his hand.
"Sorry, it's the bikini," he defended with an amused grin. "It's too tempting." He leaned over and gave me a soft kiss, his wet lips, sliding over mine. It was brief, but enough to incite a stutter in my chest. I almost forgot we weren't alone for that one second. Then I opened my eyes and saw Drew over Evan's shoulder and sat up a little straighter.
"Analise isn't watching you anymore after that," Sara said lowly. I hadn't noticed that she'd moved next to me. "You're making it steamy in here." She laughed and nudged my knee with hers.
"Did everyone see that?" I asked her, suddenly very aware of the number of people around us.
"No, just those who shouldn't have been watching."
I let Evan keep his hand on my knee, and I refrained from kissing him, despite how tempting it was as the moisture clung to the smooth, sharp lines of his face, down his straight nose and over his slightly parted lips. I had to keep reminding myself that we had an audience, even though the steam made it difficult to see across to the other side.
His thigh brushed against mine, and my breath faltered. He squeezed my knee and I looked up at him. "This is torture," he said, leaning in closer. "Maybe we should get out of here. My parents aren't home."
My heart fluttered, and I smiled. "Really?"
"Really," he said, his breath tickling my lips. "Let's go."
"Okay," I said, biting my lip, wanting to lean in a little closer to taste the water running over his mouth.
"You go first. I'll meet you by the door." He leaned back, and I had to gather myself for a moment before turning toward Sara, who was talking to a girl on the other side of her.
"I'm going to leave with Evan," I informed her. "I'll text if I'm coming to your house, okay?"
"If,” she stressed with a knowing look. "Water too hot for you?"
"Something like that," I grinned widely, standing up and moving toward the steps. I couldn't look back because I knew my thoughts were transparent, and no one needed to see what I was thinking.
"Leaving?" Drew asked from behind me as I wrapped the towel around my chest, the heat from the hot tub evaporating into the cold, damp night.
"It's getting kind of crowded," I answered, barely giving him a glance.
"Did you get your sweater? I left it on your porch."
"Uh, yeah, thanks." I said vaguely, catching sight of Evan approaching behind him and hoping he hadn't overheard Drew.
Drew noticed Evan as well and said, "It was good seeing you again," before walking through the sliding glass door that led into Jill's parents' bedroom.
"See you in a little bit," I told Evan over my shoulder before heading toward Jill's room. I gathered my clothes and entered the bathroom, my heart beating so fast I was lightheaded. I tried to take calming breaths, but I was too nervously excited.
My phone fell out of my pocket when I picked up my jeans. The red light was flashing to indicate I had a message. I picked it up from the floor and slid my finger over the screen. The excitement drained instantly when I saw the missed call and voice message from my mother.
I entered the code and listened to the recording. "Emma? Emma, you there?" Her words were slow and barely audible. "You with him? F*ckin’... You are." Then there was silence. She was a mess. My stomach flipped and my jaw tightened. I wasn't sure if I wanted to scream or cry. Instead, I took a breath and shut it off.
After I dressed, I went back out onto the deck to find Sara. "Are you going to stay here tonight?"
"I think so," Sara replied. "Why?"
"I was going to take my car," I explained. I had driven so that Sara could drink.
"No problem," she shrugged and then smiled, "Details."
I forced a smile, knowing there wouldn't be any details to share tonight.
I found Evan at the front door holding our jackets.
"Change of plans," I told him, more crushed than I could stand.
"What's wrong?" Evan questioned in concern.
"Umm, I'm not feeling all that great," I explained, my pulse quickened with my fabrication. "I think I'm going to head home instead."
Evan's eyes tightened in uncertainty. "What?"
"Uh," I faltered, recognizing he wasn't buying my illness. "I think I need to go to bed. Maybe the lack of sleep is getting to me."
"You were fine a couple minutes ago," he countered skeptically. "I don't understand. Did something happen?"
"No," I said, a little too adamantly. Evan arched his eyebrows. "I'm sorry. I'm tired. Okay?"
"No, it's not okay," Evan returned. "I know there's something going on. But if you're not going to tell me―"
"Evan, I swear, I just really need to go home," I explained softly, my eyes large and pleading.
Evan nodded with his lips pressed in a straight line.
"Talk to you tomorrow?" My stomach clenched as the disappointment resonated on his face.
"Text me before you go to sleep," he requested, leaning down to barely brush my lips.
He stood at the door, watching me rush to my car. My stomach was nauseous with the lies I’d spewed, especially since I knew he’d seen right through them. I'd have to deal with that tomorrow.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly, now focused on finding my mother. I tried calling her, but it went to voicemail. I decided to start at home and then go from there. I didn't have Sharon's number, but maybe I could find it in my mother's room. I wasn't sure where else to look after that. Maybe Jonathan would know.
I didn't call him. It was eleven o'clock; it wasn't late. But I didn't want to involve him if I didn't have to. If I could fix this myself, then I would.
My thoughts continued to race, and my stomach churned with worry all the way to my house. When I saw her car in the driveway, I released an anxious breath. I pulled in behind her and noticed the driver's door was still open and the front tire was on the lawn. When I got out of the car, I could hear chiming, indicating the key was still in the ignition. That's when I realized, the car was still running.
I looked around the car, confused. My heart stammered. I shut off the car and closed the door. Then I spotted her, sprawled motionless on the top of the steps with her head and arms splayed on the porch. I rushed to help her.
She didn't have any shoes on, or a jacket for that matter. I knelt down beside her to see if she was hurt. Her knees were scraped and bloody from the fall, and there was a bump on the top of her forehead where it was pressed against the porch. But she was breathing―and her breath was saturated with alcohol. It had been obvious she was drunk from three feet away, the liquor drifting toward me in the breeze.
"Mom." I sat on the top step and lifted her head up. "Mom, you need to get up." I tried to roll her so I could prop her up to sit. She groaned, but otherwise she wasn’t moving. I leaned her into me in a seated position. "Mom. Rachel." I raised my voice to sound more commanding. "Wake up. Let's go. You need to go inside, then you can sleep all you want." I shook her shoulder, but nothing.
I tilted her head toward me. And she threw up. Before I could turn her away, the warm liquid was running down the front of me and soaking into my jeans.
"Shit!" I exclaimed, leaning her toward the side of the stairs as she heaved again. She didn't wake up, even after vomiting all over me, herself, and the stairs. I looked down at the sour, potent mess. My throat tightened in disgust and my stomach rolled.
There was no way I was going to be able to carry her. She was dead weight. I could've dragged her in, but then what? I couldn't leave her covered in puke in the foyer. It appeared I'd come to my last resort.