1. Try Again
It’s just a dream. I recognized the thought, trying to pull me out of the hands that drug me to the darkest depths of the water. But panic overshadowed the rational thought, and I kicked as hard as I could. It’s just a dream, my voice echoed through my head again, trying to wake me.
I looked down into the murky water, my breath burning in my lungs. The hands were now long, jagged claws, and as I kicked, one claw pierced my ankle, anchoring me under the water. A dark cloud surrounded me as the blood oozed around its nails. I struggled against it, but it only tore deeper into me. A rush of air bubbled around me as I screamed in pain. I was about to inhale my death when something pressed against my face.
It didn’t feel like a dream anymore.
I shot up with a gasp, the pillow falling from my face. Disoriented and panting, I searched the room. Sara stood frozen by her bed, her eyes wide and mouth open.
“I’m so sorry,” she muttered. “I thought I heard you talking. I thought you were awake.”
“I’m awake,” I exhaled quickly. With a deep breath, I pushed the panic away. Sara remained stunned even after I’d recovered.
“I shouldn’t have thrown the pillow on your head. I’m really sorry,” she frowned guiltily.
What are you talking about?” I brushed off her apology. “It was just a dream. I’m fine.” After another deep breath to ease the shaking, I pulled back the covers. They clung to the layer of sweat covering my body.
“Good morning, Sara.” I said as normally as I could.
“Good morning, Emma,” she finally returned, forced out of her guilt-ridden stupor. And just like that, it was over, thankfully. “I’m going to take a shower. We have to hurry. We’re leaving in an hour.” She grabbed her things and disappeared.
I’d been trying to prepare myself for this day for over a month. It didn’t matter. I was still freaked just thinking about it. And now it was here.
I collapsed back on the bed and stared up at the white glowing skylights that lined the ceiling, the morning sun hidden behind the snow.
I looked around the room that had no true connection to me―the large flatscreen hanging on the wall, and a vanity in the corner, lined with makeup that had seen way too many makeovers at my expense. There were pictures of laughing friends taped to the mirror, and vibrant art adorned the walls. No reminder of my life before I came here. It was the place where I’d been hiding ―hiding from the judgment, whispers and stares.
Why was I here? I knew the answer. If I had the choice, I’d never leave. It’s not like I had anywhere else to go, and the McKinleys wouldn’t turn their backs on me. They were the only family I had, and for that I would always be grateful. But that wasn’t completely the truth. They weren't the only family I had.
So when the phone rang while Sara was in the shower, I sucked in all the courage I could gather, put the phone to my ear and said, “Hi.”
“Oh! You’re there,” my mother exclaimed, completely taken by surprise. “I’m so glad I was finally able to catch you. How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I replied, my heart stammering in my chest. “Um, so you have plans tonight?”
“Just a party with some friends,” she replied, sounding just as awkward as I felt. “Listen. I was hoping we could try, you know... I mean, I live pretty much in Weslyn now if you ever decide you’d like to...”
“Yeah, sure,” I blurted, before I lost my nerve, “I’ll live with you.”
“Oh, um, okay,” she responded in strained excitement. “Really?”
“Sure,” I answered, trying to sound sincere. “I mean, I’m leaving for college soon, so better reconnect now than when I’m across the country, right?”
She was silent, probably digesting that I'd just invited myself to move in. "Uh, yeah, that sounds great. When are you thinking?"
“Since I go back to school on Monday, how about Sunday?”
“Meaning, this Sunday? As in, three days from now?” There was no hiding the panic in her voice. My heart skipped a beat. She wasn't ready to take me back, was she?
“Would that be okay? I mean, I don’t need anything, just a bed, or even a couch. But if it's too much... Sorry, I shouldn't have―”
“No… no, that’s perfect,” she stumbled. “Um, I have time to get your room ready, so… sure, Sunday it is. I live on Decatur Street. I’ll text you the address.”
“Okay. I’ll see you Sunday then.”
“Yup,” my mother replied, the shock still lingering in her tone. “Happy New Year, Emily.”
“You too,” I returned before hanging up the phone. I stared up at the ceiling. What did I just do?! What was I thinking?
I grabbed my things and walked past Sara into the bathroom, trying to control the panic rising inside of me. By the time I emerged, I had come to terms with it. It was what I had to do.
“So, I have something to tell you,” I began, sitting on the stool next to Sara while her mother, Anna, poured herself a cup of coffee. “I spoke to my mother this morning...”
“It’s about time,” Sara interrupted. “You’ve only been ignoring her for like six months.”
“What did she have to say?” Anna encouraged, ignoring Sara's outburst.
“Well... I’m moving in with her this Sunday.” I held my breath as I watched the news sink in.
Sara's spoon clanged inside the cereal bowl, but she didn't say a word.
“What made you decide that was the best thing to do?” Anna asked calmly, diverting attention from Sara's silent disapproval.
“She’s my mother,” I shrugged. “I’m leaving for college soon, and I don’t think I’ll have another opportunity to try to fix us. I haven’t exactly been fair to her, and she keeps trying to connect, so I thought this was the best way to do it.”
Anna nodded, considering my explanation. Sara stood up and briskly walked to the sink to drop her bowl in, still unable to look at me.
“Well, Carl and I will need to talk about it since we were given guardianship until you’re eighteen. And I’d really like to meet her before anything's final. Okay?”
I nodded, not expecting Anna's answer. I wasn't used to having a parent actually care about me, so I didn't really know what to say.
“I understand why you want to do this,” Anna assured with a soft smile. “Let us just talk about it first, that's all.”
"Thanks," I accepted. "It would mean a lot to get to know my mother again."
Sara stormed up the stairs without a single word. I exhaled deeply before following her up the stairs.
"Okay, say it," I demanded flatly while Sara shoved items into her overnight bag.
"I don't have anything to say," Sara quipped. But she did; it just took a three hour car ride to the hotel and a day of primping before it came out.
After a day of being prepped and primped from head to toe in Newport, I was exhausted, and we hadn't even gone to the party yet. Or maybe it was the drama of the impromptu decision to move in with my mother that drained my energy. Either way, I was having a hard time looking forward to tonight.
"I don't understand why you're moving in with her," Sara reprimanded out of nowhere as she smoothed the brush over my lids. "Couldn't you start with... uh... talking first? I just don't like it. She left you, Em. Why go back?"
"Sara, please," I implored quietly, "I need to do this. I know it seems messed up to you, but it's important to me. It's not like you're losing me or anything. And if it's horrible, I'll move back in with you. I feel like I should give her another chance."
Sara sighed dramatically. "I still don't think it's a good idea, but…" she paused a moment, "you're one of the most stubborn people I know, and if this is what you want to do, I know I won't be able to talk you out of it. Um, you can open your eyes now."
I stretched my eyes open and blinked, the mascara sticking along my lashes.
She deliberated, finally conceding with a roll of her eyes, "Fine. Live with her. But she'd better not do anything monumentally stupid like she did when she left you with psycho."
I grinned, adoring Sara's protectiveness. "Thank you. So... how do I look?"
"Amazing, of course," Sara gloated, taking in her masterpiece. "I'm going to put my dress on, and then we'll be ready to meet the guys in the lobby."
I picked up the note that had been waiting for us when we returned to the hotel and ran my thumb over the elegant script.
Dear Emily and Sara,
I am thrilled that you have arrived safely and hope you enjoy your afternoon together. I am looking forward to seeing you this evening for dinner. I have arranged for the car to pick you up along with Evan and Jared at 6:45pm for our 7:00pm reservation.
I have no doubt that you will enjoy all that has been planned this evening!
Sincerely,
Vivian Mathews
"I hope I don't embarrass her," I hollered through the bathroom door.
"Stop being so nervous," Sara returned. "Vivian really wants you there. This is important to her. She even convinced Jared to take me so I could be here with you."
I grinned, knowing that Jared didn't need much convincing.
"What do you think? You haven't said anything about how you look."
"Oh, uh," I stepped in front of the full length mirror, and my lips curled up naturally. There was a slight resemblance to the girl who preferred jeans and a ponytail, the girl who still couldn’t conquer applying makeup on her own. Her light brown eyes glistened under a shimmer of pink and dark lashes. And her full lips, veiled with gloss, were smiling back with cheeks of red.
I turned to the side and the layers of chiffon flowed beneath me. My fingers traced the soft pink embroidered design on the champagne corseted top. Sara chose the same shade of pink to weave in my hair, resembling an inset headband, with a pile of soft curls artistically stacked at the nape of my neck. I picked up the finishing touch from the dresser and secured it around my neck, allowing my fingertips to brush the sparkling diamond as I did the day he’d given it to me.
As Sara stepped out of the bathroom, I turned toward the door with my cheeks aglow, ready to thank her for her ingenious transformation, but I was held speechless at the sight of her. The sapphire blue dress skimmed her body, brushing her curves in a shimmering dance. Large curls of red traipsed over her right shoulder. She looked… worshipable.
“Jared is in so much trouble,” I gaped. “Sara, you look amazing.” I wasn’t sure why I was so in awe. She was the most desired girl in school for a reason, but I guess I forgot that most of the time because she was just Sara to me. There was no denying her modelesque figure and Hellenic beauty now.
Sara smiled vibrantly, revealing perfect white teeth behind her glossy red lips. “Maybe he is.”
“Sara, please don't tell me you're going to sleep with him," I begged.
“Relax. I won’t,” she said with a roll of her eyes. "But it doesn't mean we can't have fun."
My phone beeped, distracting me from her comment. Spoke with Carl and we called Rachel. She’s sweet, and I believe she wants this too. Meeting her on Saturday, but it looks like everything’s all set for Sunday.
Sara handed me my jacket and the bag that held Evan's gift. "Your parents are letting me move in with her," I announced.
"Well, then I guess it's official." Sara held the door open for me to follow.
"I guess so," I returned, my stomach flipping with the realization.
I thought my knees might give out when we rounded the corner into the main lobby and I saw the back of the black tailored jacket. My eyes trailed to find his usually tousled light brown hair neatly swept to the side in a more distinguished look. He was caught up in a conversation with his brother and didn’t notice as we approached.
Evan stopped mid-sentence when Jared’s mouth dropped open. Jared was in trouble, and it was written all over his face as Sara sauntered toward him.
I couldn’t feel my legs moving as Evan turned around. My heart stopped at the sight of his smoky blue eyes, and a rush of heat filled my cheeks when his mouth formed that perfect smile. It had only been two weeks since he'd left for his skiing trip, but for some reason it was like I was seeing him for the first time all over again.
“Hi,” I whispered. He stepped up to take my hand, our connection unbroken since our eyes first met.
“Hi,” he responded, still smiling. He tilted his head down to kiss me, but Sara interrupted.
“We need to go or we’ll be late.”
“Sure,” Evan replied, instantly snapped back to the bustling lobby of formally dressed people, most likely attending the same event. He helped me slip on my jacket. I slid on black leather gloves in preparation for January’s freeze and took his hand again.
“What’s that?” Evan asked, gesturing toward the bag.
“A surprise," I grinned, having waited so long to give it to him it was killing me.
“I have one of those too,” he smirked, holding the door open for me.
“One what?”
“A surprise,” he revealed, smiling wider and sending another rush of color to my cheeks.
I ducked into the limo and slid in beside Sara, since she was sitting across from Jared. Evan was forced to sit next to his brother, leaving my hand empty. I glanced across at him, and we silently exchanged the I wish I were sitting next to you too look.
The limo pulled into a circular cobblestone driveway, and the driver came around to open the door. The restaurant resembled a mansion more than a dining establishment, with multiple eaves and glowing windows on each level.
We were escorted to a private patio that was glassed in for the winter season, offering a spectacular view of the dark rolling ocean.
“Wonderful! You’re here,” Vivian greeted brightly with open arms. She gripped each of her sons by the shoulders as they bent to kiss her on the cheek, then admired Sara and I after the guys helped remove our jackets.
“Exquisite,” she declared, wrapping us each in her signature brief embrace with a brush of her lips on our cheeks. “Come. Sit down.”
Stuart remained unmoved. Not giving us a glance since our arrival. He stoically gazed out at the ocean holding a glass of ice, filled with caramel colored liquor.
At Vivian’s insistence, we each found a seat. I made certain to sit next to Evan at the rectangular table, with Jared and Sara across from us and Vivian and Stuart at each end. Evan took my hand under the draped table, instantly calming my nerves.
The polite small talk began. I tried my best not to participate unless a question or comment was directed my way, and of course each time it was, I usually had my mouth full or was in mid-gulp. Sara pressed her lips together to keep from laughing, which only made me squirm uncomfortably.
After surviving the anxiety inducing dinner, I excused myself to use the restroom and promised to meet Evan in the foyer.
It was a struggle to hold the chiffon over my head so it wouldn't fall in the toilet. I was standing outside the bathroom door, smoothing the layers back in place, when I heard, “I don’t want to talk about this again.”
I remained still. Not sure if I should continue around the corner, or wait until they were done. I was thankful I decided not walk in on, “She’s not your future, Evan. It’s about time you realized that. I won’t allow you to pass up on Yale to follow a girl, especially that one, across the country.”
“It’s not your choice to make for me, Dad,” Evan bit back. “I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Stuart, what are you doing?” Vivian beckoned from afar. “We’re going to be late.”
I remained still, having collapsed flat against the restroom door with my heart pounding and my mind racing. What just happened? I knew Stuart was withdrawn, but I had no idea it was because he didn’t approve of me. His reaction sunk in, and my lip quivered.
I bit my lip, taking a deep breath to compose myself. Then I walked around the corner and forced a smile when I saw Evan waiting for me with my jacket over his arm.
“Are you okay?” he asked, inspecting my face. I pushed my smile wider with a nod of my head. I slipped my arms into the jacket with my back toward Evan, afraid he could see right through me.
Evan held the door open and allowed me to lead the way to the limo. Sara and Jared were across from us, lost in conversation about who they deemed to be the best guitarist.
Evan took my hand. “Are you shaking?”
“It’s cold,” I lied, wanting to roll my eyes at my involuntary “tell”. Evan wrapped his arm around me to warm me up. I eased away the nerves, nuzzling into him.
“Wow,” Sara admired the up lit mansion as the limo slowly crept in line with the others. A streak of nerves twisted my stomach. I felt like I was nearing the head of the line for a death defying rollercoaster ride.
“They’re just people,” Evan assured in my ear, probably noticing I wasn’t breathing. I exhaled to relax my shoulders, squeezing his hand.
Just people soaked in jewels of every color or poised in tailored tuxedoes, full of judgment and snide comments, I thought. We made our way through the glitz covered bodies shimmering in the candlelight. The voices swirled in time with the smooth jazz band in the ballroom.
Everywhere I looked, I was struck by more brilliance.
“Mrs. Mathews, this is incredible,” Sara gawked. “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”
“I’m not so sure my sons would agree,” Vivian replied with a sparkling smile. My cheeks grew warm when Evan squeezed my hand. “This did turn out more spectacular than I could have hoped. I am so happy to have you all here with me. I need to greet a few more guests, but I will be expecting a dance later, Evan.” The corner of her mouth rose as she met her son’s eyes, and she glided away in the antiqued ivory dress that floated around her. Vivian was picturesque sophistication with her blond hair swept back into a French twist. I admired how collected she always remained, even in a setting that was completely overwhelming to me.
“What was that about?” Sara demanded, looking at Evan. “Do you have some crazy dance moves or something?”
Jared laughed, and Evan shot him a warning glance. “Evan’s Mom’s dance partner. My father refuses, and I failed out of the lessons…”
“You took lessons?” Sara laughed, interrupting Jared.
“Yes,” Evan finally admitted. “My mother loves to dance. And I seem to be the only one who can keep up with her without stepping on her toes.” He glared at Jared, who sneered mockingly back at him.
“I can’t wait to see this,” Sara smirked.
We found a lounge set in a corner away from the stifling conversations, and immersed ourselves in the details of Evan and Jared’s skiing trip in France.
“Oh, Em, did you tell Evan about the news?” Sara burst out. It took me a moment to remember what she was talking about, hoping she wasn’t about to ruin the surprise I had wrapped in the box.
“No,” I said slowly, then remembered with a slight nod. “Oh, I’m moving in with my mother this weekend,” I confessed casually, like I just announced I was buying a new pair of shoes.
Jared had no idea why this was big news, but Evan narrowed his eyes. “You’re doing what?” he asked.
"Your mother’s looking for you," Stuart interrupted from behind us. Evan turned around to view Vivian scanning the crowd. She raised her hand when she located him.
"I’ll be right back," Evan announced, rising to escort his mother to the dance floor. I turned toward Sara, but she and Jared were already making their way through the crowd, not wanting to miss the spectacle. I was left alone in Stuart’s shadow.
Feeling I couldn’t just walk away without appearing completely rude, I fumbled with something intelligent to say. Instead I said, “This is quite the party, huh?”
He peered down at me as if I’d spoken in a foreign tongue, shook his head slightly and walked away.
“Okay then,” I mouthed, glancing around to see if anyone had witnessed my humiliation. I pin-balled my way through the crowd to the ballroom. The dance floor was full of couples, but one couple stood out amongst them. They floated around with ease and grace to the cool rhythms of the Sinatra song sung by a lanky crooner.
“Omigod,” Sara gasped next to me with a glass of champagne in her hand. “They can really dance.” My mouth popped open at the sight of Evan leading Vivian in a perfect stance, cradling her hand in his. Her eyes sparkled as they twirled around the dance floor, their feet in perfect unison.
“Told you,” Jared interjected. “Kinda scary good, right?”
“Very,” I floundered, finding that there were way too many things about Evan I still didn’t know.
The song concluded, and there was an overwhelming burst of applause. Evan appeared uncomfortable, while Vivian smiled brightly. At that moment a woman with short white hair in a long sleeved black dress stepped up to the mic. Stuart joined Vivian, and Evan spotted the three of us on the opposite side of the dance floor.
“Wow,” I admired when he slid his arm around my waist. He shrugged abashedly and redirected his attention to the speaker.
The woman went on to recognize Vivian’s philanthropic accomplishments over the years, acknowledging her success and dedication to each cause and organization. She’d invested not only time, but her passion. I listened intently, completely astounded by all that Vivian had done. The presentation concluded with a roar of applause, and the white haired woman handed Vivian an award made of crystal with a kiss on her cheek.
The music picked up again, and we met Vivian, along with every other person in the audience, congratulating her affectionately. Evan hugged his mother, followed by Jared and Sara. I went to congratulate her as well. She wrapped her arms around me tighter and longer than she’d ever done before and whispered into my ear, “I’m so glad you’re here with us.”
My eyes watered instantly, understanding the intended meaning of her words. She released me and was pulled in another direction, with more words of praise.
Evan took my hand and led me away from the crowd. I was still caught up in the moment, my head buzzing with emotion.
“Let’s get out of here,” Evan said in my ear.
“What? You want to leave?” I searched his face, baffled by his request.
“Yeah. I want to show you something.”
“Okay,” I responded, still so very confused. We retrieved our coats, and Evan escorted me out the door without saying good-bye to anyone.