Sometimes Jimmy keeping it real was him just wanting to make me laugh. Only recently had he been able to accomplish that, and it wasn’t often. But I would give him one thing: since the moment Mase Manning had walked out of my life, Jimmy had been my shadow.
I couldn’t go anywhere without checking in with him. He panicked if he didn’t know where I was, and he always stayed late with me. For a while, he would sit and hold my hand while I went to sleep at night. He never mentioned it, but I knew he was trying to take the place of my nightly phone calls. The ones I didn’t have anymore.
I had quit my cleaning job with the Carters simply because I couldn’t see anyone who reminded me of Mase, and there was the chance that he’d turn up anytime for a visit. I wasn’t sure how I’d handle that. I also told Blaire Finlay that I couldn’t clean for her. The Finlays also reminded me of Mase.
Once I was jobless, Jimmy offered to get me work as a cart girl on the country club’s golf course. I had told him about my dyslexia then, and he had helped me fill out the application. When he had asked me if I wanted to read to him at night, I had broken down and closed myself up in my room. He didn’t have to ask to figure out why. He was a smart guy.
Now he asked me, “Thad still coming a lot during your shifts?”
I sighed and laid my head back against the seat. “Thad just golfs a lot. He’s not only coming during my shifts.”
Jimmy let out an amused laugh. “Keep telling yourself that, chick. But blondie doesn’t golf unless he’s with Woods or Grant. It isn’t something I ever saw him do by himself. Until you put on that little outfit and started passing out beers.”
I didn’t want to think about Thad coming to see me. I didn’t want anyone coming to see me. Not that way.
I love you, Reese Ellis!
That broken cry that had been so loud my neighbors heard it was all that took up residence in my chest. Everything else was gone. Finding any emotion was hard for me. Only at night, when I was asleep and the past came back to torture me, did I scream and cry.
Over the past nine weeks, I had dealt with moments of weakness. Once I almost convinced myself that I had imagined that text message. And when I couldn’t make myself believe that, I tried to convince myself that I could live with him having sex with other people. If I had him in my life, that would be enough. I would forgive him for needing sex so badly that he had to get it elsewhere.
Then, at my lowest points, I blamed myself for being screwed-up in the head. For not being able to give him what his body needed. I had pushed him into her arms.
He loved me, though. He had yelled it at the top of his lungs.
After weeks of no word from him, I had to accept that he had moved on. I had sent him away, and he had gone. Not easily, but he had gone. Now someone else, probably Cordelia, was taking care of his needs. She was loving him and making him smile. She was everything I hadn’t been to him.
So I just survived. Every day, I got up and survived the day. Every night, I survived the nightmares. Then I did it again. Over and over.
And alone.
Because I’d made him leave.
“Earth to Reesey-poo. Where did you go, woman? I asked you a question.”
I shook my Mase thoughts away. They’d be back to fill the void later. “Sorry, what did you ask?”
“I asked if you wanted to go take your written test and get your driving permit tomorrow since we’re off work.”
Dr. Munroe had been helping me study for two weeks now. I was as prepared as I’d ever be. “Yeah. That would be good,” I replied.
The excitement didn’t come. I had thought once that I would never drive a car. Now I was close to achieving that goal, and I couldn’t manage to feel even a little joy. Because the one person I wanted with me, the one person I wanted to share this with, wasn’t here.
I had pushed him away. I had loved too much. With a broken mind and body, I had loved completely. And he had needed more than that broken mind and body.
Images of him touching a faceless woman and doing things to her that he did to me shredded me every time I let myself think about it. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be enough for him.
“Don’t get too excited. I might have to pull over until you calm down,” Jimmy said sarcastically.
I forced a smile for him.
“Not buying that fake shit, Reese,” he replied.
It was all I had. Fake shit.
Mase
Swinging the ax, I split the piece of wood I needed to mend the fence. But I couldn’t stop. Lifting the ax, I swung again, ruining the perfect piece I’d created. Then I swung again. And again. And again.
I wasn’t sure when the yelling started, but when I looked up to see my mother standing across from me with her hands on her hips, frowning at me disapprovingly, I knew I must have gotten loud.
Shit.
She had been waiting for me to snap. I had been careful to work through my day without emotion as long as her attention was on me. Getting Maryann Colt off your back when she thought you needed to talk was near impossible.