I interrupted her hysteria. "It's okay, I understand."
That was a lie. I didn't get her cutting at all. She'd done it sporadically, ever since the accident, and it scared me each time. She'd try to explain it to me, how she didn't want to die - she just needed to get it out somehow. She felt so much emotionally, she would say that a physical outlet - physical pain - was the only way to make the internal pain go away. It was the only way she could control it.
"Why is this happening?" she cried into her pillow. "Why am I a freak?"
"You aren't a freak."
"No one else has this happen to them. No one else does magic like I can."
"Did you try to do magic?" No answer. "Liss? Did you try to heal the rabbit?"
"I reached out, just to see if I could maybe fix it, but there was just too much blood...I couldn't."
The more she uses it, the worse it'll get. Stop her, Rose.
Lissa was right. Moroi magic could conjure fire and water, move rocks and other pieces of earth. But no one could heal or bring animals back from the dead. No one except Ms. Karp.
Stop her before they notice, before they notice and take her away too. Get her out of here.
I hated carrying this secret, mostly because I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't like feeling powerless. I needed to protect her from this - and from herself. And yet, at the same time, I needed to protect her from them, too.
"We should go," I said abruptly. "We're going to leave."
"Rose - "
"It's happening again. And it's worse. Worse than last time."
"You're afraid of the note."
"I'm not afraid of any note. But this place isn't safe."
I suddenly longed for Portland again. It might be dirtier and more crowded than the rugged Montana landscape, but at least you knew what to expect - not like here. Here at the Academy, past and present warred with each other. It might have its beautiful old walls and gardens, but inside, modern things were creeping in. People didn't know how to handle that. It was just like the Moroi themselves. Their archaic royal families still held the power on the surface, but people were growing discontent. Dhampirs who wanted more to their lives. Moroi like Christian who wanted to fight the Strigoi. The royals still clung to their traditions, still touted their power over everyone else, just as the Academy's elaborate iron gates put on a show of tradition and invincibility.
And, oh, the lies and secrets. They ran through the halls and hid in the corners. Someone here hated Lissa, someone who was probably smiling right to her face and pretending to be her friend. I couldn't let them destroy her.
"You need to get some sleep," I told her.
"I can't sleep."
"Yes, you can. I'm right here. You won't be alone."
Anxiety and fear and other troubled emotions coursed through her. But in the end, her body's needs won out. After a while, I saw her eyes close. Her breathing became even, and the bond grew quiet.
I watched her sleep, too keyed up with adrenaline to allow myself any rest. I think maybe an hour had passed when the nurse returned and told me I had to leave.
"I can't go," I said. "I promised her she wouldn't be alone."
The nurse was tall, even for a Moroi, with kind brown eyes. "She won't be. I'll stay with her."
I regarded her skeptically.
"I promise."
Back in my room, I had my own crash. The fear and excitement had worn me out too, and for an instant, I wished I could have a normal life and a normal best friend. Immediately, I cast that thought out. No one was normal, not really. And I'd never have a better friend than Lissa...but man, it was so hard sometimes.
I slept heavily until morning. I went to my first class tentatively, nervous that word about last night had gotten around. As it turned out, people were talking about last night, but their attention was still focused on the queen and the reception. They knew nothing about the rabbit. As hard as it was to believe, I'd nearly forgotten about that other stuff. Still, it suddenly seemed like a small thing compared to someone causing a bloody explosion in Lissa's room.
Yet, as the day went on, I noticed something weird. People stopped looking at Lissa so much. The started looking at me. Whatever. Ignoring them, I hunted around and found Lissa finishing up with a feeder. That funny feeling I always got came over me as I watched her mouth work against the feeder's neck, drinking his blood. A trickle of it ran down his throat, standing out against his pale skin. Feeders, though human, were nearly as pale as Moroi from all the blood loss. He didn't seem to notice; he was long gone on the high of the bite. Drowning in jealousy, I decided I needed therapy.
"You okay?" I asked her later, on our way to class. She wore long sleeves, purposefully obscuring her wrists.
"Yeah...I still can't stop thinking about that rabbit...It was so horrible. I keep seeing it in my head. And then what I did." She squeezed her eyes shut, just for a moment, and then opened them again. "People are talking about us."