Chapter 13
As usual, Dad and I went to work on Saturday, at the Conlon place.
Rather than keep you in suspense (if you even still care by now), I might as well let you know that this time she was there, and she was as brilliant as ever.
I was still working under the house when she came
to me.
“Hey, I missed you last week,” I said when she showed, and immediately chastised myself in my head — the statement was so ambiguous. I mean, did it mean I missed you as in I just didn’t see you (which was the intended message), or did it mean I was really heartbroken that you weren’t here, y’ stupid bitch? I wasn’t sure what me I was sending out. Overall, I could only hope she thought I was saying we just didn’t see each other. You can’t seem too desperate in a situation like that, even if your heart is annihilating you from the inside.
She said, “Well …” God, she said it with that voice that made her real. “I wasn’t here on purpose.” What the hell was this? “What?” I dared to ask. “You heard.” She grinned. “I wasn’t here …”
“Because of me?”
She nodded.
Was this bad or good?
It sounded bad. Very bad.
But then, it also sounded good, in some sick, twisted way. Was she having me on? No.
“I didn’t wanna be here because I was” — she swallowed — “scared to make a fool out of myself — like last time.”
“Last time?” I asked, confused. “Wasn’t it me who said something stupid?” It was me all right, who said, “I like workin’ here.” I remembered it and cringed.
We were both crouched down under the house and these wooden beams hovered over us, warning us that one loss of concentration would leave our heads nice and bruised. I made sure not to stand up straight.
“At least you said something.” She pushed her argument.
Suddenly, something poured out of me.
I said, “I wouldn’t hurt you. Well, at least I’d try like hell not to. I promise.”
“Pardon?” She stepped away a bit. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, if … Did you have an okay weekend last week?” Drivel. Drivel talk.
“Yeah.” She nodded and stayed where she was. “I was at a friend of mine’s house.” Then she slipped it in. “And then we went over to this guy’s place — Dale.” Dale.
Why was that name so familiar?
Oh no.
Oh, great.
“Dale Perry?”
Dale Perry.
Greg’s mate.
Typical.
A hero like that.
I could tell she really liked the guy. More than me. He was a winner. People liked him. Greg did.
Though he could depend on me.
“Yeah, Dale” she replied — confirming my worst fears — nodding and smiling. “You know him, do you?”
“Yeah, I know him.” It dawned on me then as well that this Rebecca Conlon was most likely one of the girls in the group at Lumsden Oval, on that day that seemed decades ago now. There were a few girls like her there, I remembered. Same real hair. Same real legs. Same … It all made sense. She was local, and pretty, and real.
Dale Perry.
I almost mentioned that he’d nearly burned my ear off just over a year ago but held it back. I didn’t want her thinking that I was one of those completely jealous guys who hated everyone who was better than himself — which actually was exactly the kind of guy I was.
“My best friend reckons he likes me, but I don’t know….”
She went on talking but I couldn’t bring myself to listen. I just couldn’t. Why in the hell was she telling me this anyway? Was it because I was just the plumber’s son and I went to an old state school while she most likely went to a Saint something-or-other school? Was it because I was the kind of guy who was harmless and couldn’t bite?
Well, I came close.
I almost stopped her to say, “Ah, just go away with your Dale Perry,” but I didn’t. I loved her too much and I wouldn’t hurt her, no matter how much I myself was hurting.
Instead, I asked if she knew Greg. “Greg Fiennes or something?”
“Fienni.”
“Yeah, I do. How do you know him?”
And for some reason, all these tears started welling up in my eyes.
“Ah,” I said. “He was a friend of mine once,” and I turned away, to keep working and to hide my eyes.
“A good friend?”
Damn this girl!
“My best friend,” I admitted.
“Oh.” She looked through my back. I could feel it.
I wondered if she was getting the picture here. Maybe. Probably. Yes, probably, because she left then with a far too friendly “Okay, bye-ee.” Had I heard that before? Of course I had, and it gashed my throat with reality.
The whole altercation didn’t drive me through the day like the disappointment of last week had. No, this time I limped through it.
I felt something awful in me.
Limping on.
Dad saw me and gave me a serve for being so slow, but I couldn’t pick it up. I tried like you wouldn’t believe, but my back was broken. My spirit was crushe
I had the chance to tell her off.
I could have hurt her.
I didn’t.
It was no consolation.
As I worked, I constantly had to pull myself together and it was such a struggle. It was like every step was out to get me. Blisters on my hands started opening up and feeling kept creeping into my eyes. I started sniffing at the air to get enough in my lungs, and when the day was over I struggled out from under the house and stood there, waiting. I really wanted to collapse to the ground, but I held it together.
I felt itchy, dirty, diseased — by simply being me. What was wrong with me?
I felt like the dog that’s got rabies in this book I was reading in school, To Kill a Mockingbird. The dog, it’s limping and slobbering all over the road and the father, Atticus, he surprises his son by shooting it.
I’m walking along top a fence line that seems to stretch for an eternity. Somehow, though, I know that it will stop at some point. I know it will last as long as my life.
“Keep walking,” I tell myself.
My arms are out to keep me balanced.
On either side of me, there is air and ground, trying to get me to jump down into it.
Which side do I jump?
It is early, early morning. It’s that time when it’s still dark but you know the day is coming. Blue is bleeding through black. Stars are dying.
The fence.
Sometimes it’s stone, sometimes it’s wood, and sometimes it’s barbed wire.
I walk it, and still, I am tempted by each side that flanks it.
“Jump,” I hear each side whisper. “Jump down here.” Distance.
Out there, somewhere, I can hear dogs barking, although their voices seem human. They bark and when I look all around me I can’t see them. I can only hear barking that forms an audience for my journey along this fence.
Purple in the sky.
Pins-and-needles legs.
Shivers down my right side.
Concussion thoughts.
Footsteps.
Alone.
Take one after the other.
Barbed wire now
Where do I jump?
Who do I listen to?
Daisy sun, maroon sky.
First part of the sun — a frown.
Last part of the sun — a smile.
Dark day.
Thoughts cover the sky.
Thoughts are the sky.
Feet on fence.
One side of the fence is victory….
The … other side is defeat.
Walk.
I walk, on.
Deciding.
Sweat reigns.
It lands on me, controlled, and drips down my face.
Victory one side.
Defeat on the other.
Clouds are uncertain.
They throb in the sky like drumbeats, like pulses.
I decide —
I jump.
High. High.
The wind gets me, and high up, I know that it will throw me down to the side of the fence it wants.
Wherever I land, soon enough, I know I will have to climb back up and keep walking, but for now, I’m still in the air.