Chapter Seven
Dear Grace,
I didn’t realize it was the anniversary of your father’s death. That had to be hard. My mom died when I was born. I have no memories of her. I guess she was a saint because my father is a jackass. Only a saint could ever spend time with him willingly.
You have to wonder what shitty thing I did in a past life to have my mother die while that mean-ass son of bitch lives. The good really do die young. You certainly see it here all the time. The most rancid, lazy, selfish motherf*ckers live through it all, while the guys who care most about their unit step on an IED and die. Sorry for cursing.
We’re always told that when they die, they go to a better place. I hope so for all our sakes.
Yours,
Noah
Grace
Every Sunday I worked a six-hour shift at the library. The library was situated in the middle of campus and was one of the more stately buildings, with its wide-tiered steps framed by large, two-story pillars. Its brick facade looked like it had been standing there for at least a century.
Every student at Central had to work 10 hours a week somewhere on campus. Nearly all the student jobs allowed you to read or study, so I wasn’t sure if this system was designed to create a more egalitarian environment or just force us to study.
During the first hour of my shift, I kept worrying that Noah would show up. I hadn’t called like I had promised because I hadn’t come to any conclusion on what to do. Noah wanted something with me and I wasn’t so stupid to know it was just friendship, but I hadn’t dated anyone before. My feelings for Noah were too strong for a casual relationship, and I had scared him away once before.
Finally too antsy to sit, and hating myself for keeping one eye on the entrance, I asked permission to shelve the returned books. I hadn’t even unpacked my camera tonight. My confusion over Noah was becoming all-consuming, and I liked that least of all.
No one really enjoyed shelving, and I was sent on my way with a grateful glance from the girl working the reference desk.
I stuck my earphones in and maneuvered my cart full of books in and out of the rows of shelves, keeping myself busy until I heard the soft chimes warning that the library was closing shortly.
I’m not sure where Noah had been all day, but he was waiting for me on the porch swing of the Victorian when I got home from the library.
He stood as I walked up.
“Stalking me again?” I asked, unable to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. Inwardly I winced.
“No, stalking would’ve been waiting in the library for the past—” he looked at his watch, “—six hours.”
“Why are you here?” I asked, allowing him to lead me over to the swing. He took my messenger bag from my shoulder and placed it on the floor, urging me to sit down.
I sat. He gave the swing a little shove with his feet and we swayed gently.
“I think we just need to get to know each other again.” His voice was steady and clear in the night air. I felt like Jell-O on the inside.
I refrained from pointing out the obvious. You couldn’t read nearly forty letters from someone and not get to know them a little.
I ran my eyes over his face, trying to read some expression, and noticed his lower lip was scabbed. My hand was up and hovering like I could make it better with a touch. “Ouch,” I said.
“Yeah, it only hurts when I smile or laugh.”
“Or kiss,” I added, and then mentally kicked myself.
“The person I want to kiss isn’t really feeling me right now,” he half-joked. His eyes were warm, and I knew I was courting danger here. The old Noah wound healed up over the last year, and now I was threatening to slash it open and pour salt all over it.
I started to draw my hand back, but Noah grabbed it and pressed it against his lips. I could feel the ridge of his scab, a hard contrast to the soft portions of his lips. Against my will, I rubbed my fingers across the uninjured parts. That tiny touch had set up a riot in my stomach like a battalion of butterflies was trying to beat its way out. I didn’t heal him with my touch, but from the softening of his lips I could tell he liked it. I stroked him slowly and his mouth parted. His breath felt hot against my fingers, and I felt something coil inside me in response.
“I’m really glad to see you made it home safe and sound,” I admitted. My words sounded breathless. I had prayed so hard for that outcome. Even when he hadn’t wanted me, I was so happy that he was alive and unharmed.
“I missed you, Grace. More than you will ever know.”
He smelled delicious again. I wanted to press my nose into the well of his throat and breathe deep, imprinting his smell onto my memory banks. It would make my nighttime fantasies slightly more real and vivid. I forced myself to drop my hand.
“I—” I cast around for the right words to say. I wanted to explain myself in a way that still preserved my pride but conveyed I wasn’t a toy to be discarded and then picked up whenever he felt like playing with it again. “If you truly want to be friends, Noah, I can do that. But nothing else.”
His face remained unchanged, which made me falter. Maybe he did just want to be friends, and I had misread the entire situation. I gave him an uncertain smile and said, “I’ll see you around campus then?”
“Don’t friends hang out?”
I nodded my head. Yes, but we weren’t really friends. We were some weird, undefined category where we had some shared intimacy, yet were not in a real relationship.
“How about we study together at the library on Wednesday?” Noah offered.
I shrank back, tears at the back of my throat. I was right to be cautious. He wanted to just be friends, like his kiss-off letter said. He had referred to me as a little sister. I cleared my throat to make sure I sounded as easy going as he did. “Sure. I have Stats & Methodology that day, and I always need to review my notes after that class. Meet you there.”
I stood up then and walked to the door that led up to my third floor apartment. When I looked back to wave, Noah was standing there with one hand on the back of his neck and the other at his hip. He looked frustrated, managed a slight smile, and then nodded in return. I went upstairs, as confused as I had ever been.
***
I had three classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. They started at 8:00 a.m. and ended right after noon. I usually met Lana for lunch at the Quad Commons Café, the one place Amy says we should never eat. Lana rarely got up before eleven and scheduled all of her classes in the afternoon. Lunch was about the only meal we shared together on a regular basis, and it was usually the first of the day for her.
We had two choices on campus. The dining hall, which served a variety of cafeteria food, along with a salad and dessert bar, or the Quad Commons Café, where you could get deli sandwiches and light grilled items. Tuesdays, we would meet at the dining hall, because they had Taco Tuesdays, but most days we met and had big prepared salads from the QC Café.
Lana had already purchased everything and was sitting at a table unwrapping her salad.
She was wearing sunglasses, which I tipped down when I arrived at the table. She allowed me to see her swollen eyes before pushing the glasses up and waving me to my seat.
“Peter?” I queried. She mhmm’ed and I waited. She pulled out her phone and showed me a picture of some blonde in front of a mirror, wearing tiny panties and her shirt pushed above her bare breasts. They were rather large and obviously fake. Not Lana.
“You’re getting hit on by a stripper?” I guessed. Lana made a buzzing sound.
“Wrong. Peter forwarded me this charming selfie.”
“Intentionally?” I gasped in horror.
“No, I think he meant to send it to Luke Larson, his frat brother, but the phone auto-filled ‘Lana’ instead,” she explained in a careful monotone, as if any expression of emotion might break a dam she’d built.
“Done in by autocorrect.” I handed her back the phone. I wanted to delete the photo. It wouldn’t do any good for Lana to keep it on her phone. “What did you do?”
“I replied back ‘nice rack.’ He called me immediately asking what I was talking about. He tried to say that it wasn’t anything, just a pledge prank. The lies were so weak that I figured he wanted to get caught, forcing me to be the one to break up with him.”
“Did you?”
“I didn’t give him the satisfaction. He wants to break up to pursue other girls, then he needs to man up and do it. I’m not going to make it easier for him.” Lana picked up her fork and started rearranging spinach leaves. Her disinterest in eating worried me, but it was only one day.
“I’m surprised you shed any tears over him.”
“Oh, closure, you know.” She gave an uncaring wave of her hand, but her actions revealed that she liked him more than she had let on. Sometimes it was hard to know where you stood with Lana. She was too busy protecting herself. If you weren’t persistent, she never let you in. Even I found Lana hard to read, despite living with her since I was twelve. But I knew her tough exterior hid a very big heart. We may be cousins by blood, but we were sisters of the heart.
“We Sullivans are bad at relationships,” I informed her. “You and I need to start following Josh’s playbook.” Josh didn’t date. He hooked up exclusively and currently seemed to be trying to burn his way through the female population up at State.
“Of course we are,” Lana said. “We’re merely exhibiting patterned behavior learned at an impressionable age. We don’t know anyone who has a healthy and loving relationship, so we are unequipped to develop our own.”
“So essentially we are doomed,” I said wryly. Lana’s parents were married, but Uncle Louis was hardly ever home, too busy golfing or out on his boat. I guess I understood because no one liked being around Lana’s mom. She was mean to everyone but hardest on Lana, constantly criticizing everything about her. Lana wasn’t ever thin enough. Her blonde hair had too much brown in it. Her grades weren’t good enough. She didn’t speak well enough. It was amazing that the eating disorder was the only thing Lana developed.
She shrugged and moved a few more pieces of food around her bowl. Not one piece had made it to her mouth yet.
“Do you ever think part of our problem, Lana, is that we spend more time talking about boys than anything else? How is this different than high school?”
“The guys are better looking?” Lana asked, more of a statement than a question. “When we were in high school, you never talked about boys.”
“I didn’t?” I thought back to our many discussions, and they all seemed devoted to who was dating whom. If only we got tested on the social status and habits of our classmates. I’d have aced that test.
“Nope. It was always Noah for you. You weren’t interested in anyone else. It’s no wonder that the real Noah is screwing up your head big time.”
“Do you think I shouldn’t spend time with him?” She hadn’t said a word of warning, and I had been waiting for one or a dozen.
“No, actually I think spending time with him is a good idea. It’s like the pictures you take in rooms with too much light.”
“Overexposure?”
“Right. It will show you how real and flawed he is, and then, when he dicks you over again, you will finally give up on this fantasy and move into the real world.”
“Ouch,” I said. I knew Lana was hurting, but I didn’t need to be a passive punching bag.
“I’m not trying to be mean here.”
“No?” I loved Lana but she had a little of her mother in her, and sometimes, when she was hurt and angry, it leaked out. I braced myself.
“No. It’s just that…” she paused to look up from her food, “…it’s easier to have a relationship with someone who isn’t there than someone who is.”
“How did this discussion become all about me?”
“Because it’s easier for me to talk about fixing you than fixing myself,” Lana admitted.
“All right. If subjecting myself to your amateur psychoanalysis is going to make you feel better, get it out,” I motioned for to continue. “Just eat a few cucumber slices between criticisms, please.” Lana made a face but took a whole mouthful of food. After she had swallowed, she deliberately wiped her mouth with her napkin before continuing.
“You haven’t picked a major because you’re afraid to commit to anything. You won’t take classes at the FAC because you’re afraid to admit how much you love photography. You won’t date. You’ve only had a few hookups and with guys you don’t even really like. They are safe for you.”
I felt like I was being dissected right there on the QC Café table. I was cut open from throat to stomach, and all my insides were laid bare. I looked around to see who was staring at the trainwreck happening at my table, but the crowd was oblivious to how Lana was wielding her psychological scalpel.
I wanted to place my hand over her mouth and tell her to be quiet.
“I’m the same way,” Lana admitted. “I keep picking guys who are bad bets because they do what I expect them to screw me over. That way, it’s never my fault when the relationship fails.”
“I’m not sure what the practical application of your discoveries is,” I said, hurting for both of us. I wished I could make our lives bright, colorful, and delightful as my tilt shift photographs.
“Well, if I knew that bit of information, I wouldn’t have to go to school for six more years to be a licensed psychologist, would I?” Lana said.
“Thanks for nothing. I’m supposed to meet Noah at the library to study.”
She shrugged. “It’s all part of the desensitization plan. More time spent with the real Noah will inevitably result in disappointment and then cure.”
We spent the rest of the lunch eating in silence. Apparently Lana’s analysis of me made her hungry. I guess I could suffer through some hard truths if it meant Lana would stay healthy.
***
Noah was waiting at the library entrance, his backpack slung over one arm. Cecilia, a tattooed pixie of a girl, was languidly waving people in. I wondered if she lived there, given how often she was in that chair. She definitely exceeded the ten hours of mandatory service.
“Hey, Grace.”
“Noah.” I realized I was more than a little frustrated with him. He was making me confused and off balance with his determined pursuit but talk of friends only.
“How was your Stats &Methodology course this morning?” Noah asked. I was surprised he remembered but then I recalled he knew my entire schedule.
“I didn’t realize that there was so much math involved in psychology,” I told him.
“It is a science course.”
“I know, and apparently there is a lot of statistical analysis of raw data and stuff. I think I need a degree that has no math.”
“English literature,” Noah said.
I grimaced. That sounded almost more painful that math. “Do you have an answer for everything?” I asked. There was no heat in my question, and I knew the response; he held himself with such utter confidence.
“Yes,” he replied, but gave me a wry grin to signal I wasn’t to take the answer seriously.
“Do you have a place here you like to read?” Noah asked me.
I did, but I wasn’t ready to share it with Noah. It was a retreat. “Not really. You?” I asked.
“Definitely.” He took my hand. “Follow me.”
I let Noah lead me through the library. He seemed to know several people, bumping fists, nodding his head, and giving hearty pats on the shoulder to guys that would’ve left a bruise on me. Given that this was Noah’s first year here, the breadth of his acquaintances surprised me, but maybe some of these guys had been to his house or one of his fights.
He led me to a reference section that housed architectural and design books. I rarely came up onto the third floor. It was usually noisy and occupied by students there to socialize rather than study because there was a lounge area with four upholstered chairs and two short sofas arranged into a cozy square. A guy with short reddish-blonde hair, wearing jeans and a white cotton button down, was already sitting there, with a huge stack of books and a contraband cup of coffee. He looked up as we approached.
“What took you so long?” He stood and slapped the back of his hand against the back of Noah’s. “Who’s this?”
“Grace, meet Finn. He’s one of my roommates.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said. Noah still hadn’t released me, and I could only do an awkward wave with my left hand. Noah drew me down on one of the sofas next to him.
I settled in next to Noah and pulled out my psychology book. Noah grabbed his laptop, crossed one foot over the opposite leg and stretched out his arm on the back of the sofa, which was so short that his fingers were right behind my hair again. I wondered if the ends of my hair were seeking out his fingers, like little sentient beings searching for warmth. I wanted to lean back and rest my head against his hand. I remembered the comforting weight of it as we had walked to the diner and the sure strength when he had massaged my neck at the Delt house. Lana’s theory about overexposure wasn’t working. I tried to focus on something other than my growing physical response to his presence.
“What’re you studying?” I asked Noah.
He grimaced. “My CFA Level 1.”
At my look of mystification, he elaborated, “It’s a finance certification exam with three levels. My first one is in December. When I pass, my next one is in June, and the third is in the following year.”
“Noah’s a finance whiz,” Finn interjected, taking a sip of his contraband liquid. He looked at ease, like he had sat in the chair a hundred times before.
“Finn, are you a student?” I asked. I didn’t recognize him, but he might be an upperclassman.
“Nope, just looking at stuff.”
“Finn’s a house flipper,” Noah explained. “But really, he’s a frustrated wannabe architect.”
“Noah’s only partially correct,” Finn said. “I look through these design books to get ideas on how to make our houses more interesting for buyers. You don’t happen to have your real estate license, do you?”
I shook my head.
“One of our roommates dated my last realtor, and now she won’t talk to me,” Finn said glumly. “I hate the realtor side of flipping.”
“I don’t know anything about real estate. I didn’t even know you had to have a license.” I admitted.
They didn’t ask me any more questions, and we all settled in to study. A few minutes into reading, I felt Noah’s fingers combing through the ends of my hair. I wasn’t sure if he was doing it absently or on purpose, but it was distracting. My physical interactions with other guys may have been limited, but I knew friends didn’t stroke each other’s hair. The hairs of my neck stood up and I felt goose pimples rise on my neck and chase down my arms. Noah noticed my little shiver and pulled out a sweatshirt from his backpack, offering it to me.
Shrugging it on, I tried not to be too obvious about sniffing the fabric. The clean, spring scent that I had associated with Noah floated around me, interfering with my ability to focus on my pages. It took a masterful effort to shut out all the Noah influences and read.
We had all been silent for some time when Finn stood up and said, “I’m hungry. Let’s go eat.” He stretched and his T-shirt rode up, showing some nice solid abs. Did all the guys in Noah’s house do a thirty-minute ab routine? Was that a prerequisite? Like on the application, it asked if you had a steady job, could afford the rent, and oh, by the way, can you do one hundred sit ups in one minute?
“Hey, eyes up here,” Finn said, teasing me. I tried to beat back the blush that I could feel heating my cheeks. I wasn’t even ogling him. His shirt had pulled up and I couldn’t help noticing. Finn had dark markings under his shirt, a tattoo of something winged.
“Wear longer shirts,” I said, but my attention had fixated on Noah. I hadn’t seen him without his shirt off, and his arms were bare of any ink. I wondered if he had tattoos somewhere that I hadn’t yet seen.
“Ooh, I’m being disrespected because of how I’m dressed,” Finn said, interrupting my fantasies of Noah disrobing.
“Knock it off,” Noah shook his head with mild impatience. “I thought you were hungry.” He picked up his books and stuffed them in his backpack. Then he grabbed mine and held it open. I looked at him in confusion, and he shook the bag. Apparently he was going to hold it open while I put everything in.
Noah zipped up my backpack when I was done and took both bags, slinging them over his shoulder. He gestured for me to walk in front of him and they filed in behind me.
“Where do you want to eat?” Noah asked Finn.
“I’ve got Bo’s card,” Finn replied. “We can eat on campus.”
“That okay with you, Grace?” Noah asked.
I nodded. All this time spent with Noah was going to go to my head. I knew I should probably head home, but I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to pull my backpack off Noah’s shoulder. We walked down the stairs, and, as we were headed to the doors of the library, I saw Mike standing behind the reference desk. He stared at me with raised eyebrows, and I gave him a little wave. I didn’t have an explanation for Mike about Noah and me because I couldn’t define the relationship myself.
Outside, Noah walked beside me, and Finn walked backwards, facing us. “What’s your superpower?” he asked me.
“My super-what?”
“Your superpower,” Noah said, smirking. “This is how Finn determines whether he can hang out with you. He classifies people according to their response.”
“Wow, that’s a lot of pressure,” I said. Rearranging my face so it looked like I was deep in thought, I pretended to contemplate the question and then answered, “Invisibility.”
“Not X-ray vision?” Finn teased, I guess referring to my faux-pas of staring at his exposed abdomen.
“What’s the point? You’re already walking around flaunting yourself,” I shot back. It was easy to engage in conversation with Finn. There weren’t any emotional stakes. “Anyway, what about you?”
“Flying,” both of them said in unison and then high fived.
“Really? Flying?” I asked. “Invisibility is so much cooler.”
“It’s not bad,” Noah conceded. “But the ability to fly is the best superpower ever. Why do you think Iron Man’s suit has rockets?”
“Iron Man’s suit has everything.”
“Spiderman wishes he could fly. It’s what puts the Super in Superman,” Finn declared.
We then debated the value of various super powers. Apparently my chosen superpower passed Finn’s internal test because I wasn’t told to go home.
When we arrived at the QC Café, I realized I was pretty hungry. Instead of pretending that I loved lettuce, I followed Noah to the grill. I ordered a burger, assuming he would too, except Noah didn’t order a burger. He ordered a plain grilled chicken breast and even asked for extra vegetables. Finn detoured to another part of the café altogether, but we met at the check-out line.
“What is that plate of food?” Noah asked Finn as we paid. It was clear from Noah’s expression he was offended by Finn’s selection.
“I think it’s cheesy tamales,” Finn replied. “Not all of us have to maintain our girlish figures.”
“Get your food, you clown,” Noah replied, shaking his head a little, and giving Finn’s tray a little push. Noah led us to a table on the far side against windows overlooking the North lawn and residence halls. The Café wasn’t very full, as it was still fairly early. We sat down and spread out our trays and set to eating.
I decided that eating a burger in front of Noah was right up there with trying to manage spaghetti. Only dogs in cartoons looked good eating spaghetti. Ditto with hamburgers. Eating a hamburger wasn’t sexy, but I also feared that using a fork and knife would be ridiculous. I sighed internally. Who cared about sexy? Friends didn’t worry about being sexy, I lectured myself. I ate my hamburger and made liberal use of my napkin.
“How are your cheesy tamales?” I asked Finn.
“Terrible,” he admitted with a chagrined smile. “But probably more flavorful than the cardboard Jackson’s eating right now.”
“Jackson’s insides are shriveling at the thought of eating your mystery plate,” Noah replied.
“Then stay away, because you really can’t handle more shriveling, or someone might mistake you for a girl.”
“Your sister had no complaints last night.”
“That would actually be an insult if I had a sister, but I’m not surprised your little brain couldn’t form a better insult. Small brain, small—” Finn wiggled his eyebrows.
The two continued to exchange insults, each more vile than the last.
Noah seemed in no hurry to leave after he’d eaten his food. He got another drink and returned, moving his chair so it was farther away from the table. The rearrangement of his chair put him closer to me, and he slung his arm across the back of my chair and stretched out his legs.
“I’m running on campus in the morning, want to have breakfast afterward?” he asked me.
Before I could answer, Finn interjected, “Did you know that Noah and Bo can run for 12 miles with packs weighing 150 pounds, while simultaneously doing jumping jacks and shooting guns, all before the sun rises?”
Finn must not know that Noah and I corresponded for four years while Noah was a deployed Marine.
“She knows,” Noah replied before I could respond. “Grace and I were, ah, friends, while I was deployed.”
“Oh, you from Texas too?” Finn asked.
“No. From Chicago. I wrote to Noah as part of a class project.”
Finn looked from Noah to me and back again. “What year are you?”
“Sophomore. And no, before you ask, I don’t have a major.”
“That makes you nineteen?” Finn hooted. “I think you are too old for her, old man.”
“Is that true?” Noah asked, looking at me. “Am I too old for you?”
“What?” I tried to laugh but it sound like a nervous giggle. “Of course you aren’t too old to be my friend.”
Noah made a noise like a hum at the back of his throat. I wished for Lana’s perception skills that were almost like a super power in my estimation. I would’ve given anything to know what that noise meant. Finn thankfully made no comment.
A guy I didn’t know came over and clapped Noah on the back of the shoulder hard enough that Noah almost spilled his drink on me. “Jackass,” I heard Noah say under his breath, and I swallowed a smile.
“Braaaa,” the guy brayed like a donkey. His shirt, emblazoned with three Greek letters, looked stylishly faded, and he wore loud plaid shorts and flip flops. Noah knocked the fraternity guy’s fist and received a slap on the upper arm in return. I wondered if learning to shorten every word to three letters was part of the secret rituals that took place on Greek Street during pledge week.
“Marco,” Noah replied in greeting.
“I hear you all are having a little get together on Friday to welcome back the ladies. Any chance of an invite?” Marco said.
“First I’ve heard of it,” Noah responded, a non-answer to Marco’s query.
“Let me know and I’ll help you tag the hot frosh buns.” He laughed at his own terrible joke and moved to sit down at the empty chair at our table. Noah must have thought that the guy would talk to us all evening if we stayed, so he stood up and said, “We’ve got to run. Nice seeing you, Marco.”
“Yeah, man, I will see you around campus.” Marco turned to Finn and added, “And Finnster, man, we will see you at your party.”
“Indeed,” Finn intoned and picked up his tray.
Noah grabbed our backpacks and slung them over his shoulders, so I picked up both trays and his cups and made toward the clean-up conveyor belt. I thought for a minute that Noah would fight me for them, but I raised an eyebrow at him and he backed away.
“You know,” I said to Noah, “I can carry my own books.”
“I’m sure you can,” came his laconic reply, “but why should you?”
I didn’t have a non-confrontational answer. I wondered if friends were invited to parties, but neither Finn nor Noah brought it up again. They walked me to my apartment, where Noah finally handed over my bag and said he’d see me in the morning.
Noah
“Could it have killed you to give us a minute of privacy?” I groused as we walked to campus parking, where I had left the truck.
“Yes, actually,” Finn replied. “After hearing from Bo how inept the great Noah Jackson is with this girl, I had to stick around.”
“I hope we put on a good show for you.”
“Nope. I kept waiting for you to put your big-ass foot in your mouth. Sadly, nothing,” Finn let out a loud belch.
“Goddamn, that reeks,” We stopped at the truck and I made Finn stand outside for a good minute before I unlocked the doors. “I told you not to eat anything that they smother in cheese at the dining hall,” I said after we had finally gotten into the cab.
Finn responded with another, smaller belch. I rolled down the windows.
“Are we having a party this weekend?” I asked Finn.
“Why not?”
“Just wondered when this was decided. But whatever, I’m on board.” I tapped my fingers absently against the steering wheel. Getting Grace in my own territory might be a good way to move our tentative dance from one between friends to more. I didn’t like the idea of her going to fraternity parties looking for something I could and wanted to provide. Whatever that was.
“Post-party hookups can be dangerous,” Finn warned.
“Sure, but I need to get her in my territory and away from campus.”
“Isolate your prey and lure her into your cave? Does that work?” Finn asked.
“We’ll see on Saturday night.”