“I don’t know, Evan. Everything fluctuates over time. Between classes, work, fundraisers for your dad, and graduation, neither of us has much left to give. This break is probably a good thing.”
“Don’t give up on us. When it’s just the two of us next week, we can get past this…find a compromise.”
My eyes darted to the side. “Evan, I’m not going with you. I already canceled my flight.”
“What?” He stood up, two spots of color staining his cheekbones, his eyes dark with anger.
“I’m going to Playa del Carmen with Vera.”
“Fuck, Hattie.” He tugged at the roots of his sandy brown hair, causing gelled strands of hair to stick up in frazzled clumps. “You’re really going to throw us away over a few mistakes.” He pointed a finger at me. “You’re not perfect either, but I’m willing to overlook your faults. Can’t you do the same for me?”
And there was the arrogant Evan I knew. “I may have worked too late on occasion, and I know I’m not as spontaneous as you’d like, but I never cheated. Not once.” I cradled my body with my arms. “I never even considered it.”
“No, you’re right. I’m sorry,” he said almost soundlessly, dropping his head to his chest. “So where does this leave us?”
I stood up and walked to my door. He needed to leave. “There isn’t an us. At least, not now.”
“I’m not giving up. I love you.”
He wrapped his arms around me and brushed his lips across my forehead. I stood frozen in his arms, not reciprocating, but not moving. I missed him. I missed my perfectly arranged life, but I needed to let it go.
“I can’t promise you anything,” I whispered into crook of his neck.
“I know.” He released me and took a few steps back. “I have to meet my dad in twenty minutes, but this isn’t over. We’ll talk after Spring Break.”
“Bye, Evan,” I said, not acknowledging his words. Evan didn’t want to give up on me, but I wouldn’t give in either. I couldn’t, not if I wanted to regain control over my life, and I did…more than anything.
Chapter Four
“You’re wearing this.” Vera, my best and only true friend, tossed a black, silky dress, resembling lingerie at my face. Other than Vera, my friends had taken Evan’s side. They accused me of overreacting. Fuck them. I didn’t need them.
“No, thanks.” I tossed the dress on the hotel bed next to me. “I’m not going out tonight.”
She cocked one leg to the side and balanced one hand on her hip. “Why not? We’re in Mexico. We can’t sit in our hotel room like two losers.”
“You can go without me. I don’t mind.” I didn’t mind. In fact, I preferred it. That way, I’d have more time to sulk without worrying about Vera’s feelings. I needed to pull my head out of my ass and stop being a bad friend, and I would, but not tonight.
“That’s dumb. I’m not going without you.”
“Just go. I’m sunburned. I’ll be miserable.” I thumbed through the gossip magazine I picked up in the airport, pretending to be totally absorbed in the story of the latest starlet gone crazy. In truth, my misery demanded all of my attention. I didn’t have room in my life for other people’s problems and Vera clearly noticed. When Vera convinced me to go on this vacation with her, enjoying myself seemed like a foregone conclusion. Now, it felt like another obstacle, preventing me from putting shattered pieces of my life back into order.
Vera flipped her vibrant red hair over her shoulder. “Nope. That excuse won’t work. You didn’t leave the beach cabana once today, and you have olive skin.”
I tilted my head to the side. “I swam laps in the morning.” At home, I alternated between swimming and running on a daily basis. Exercise kept my life organized, structured…just the way I liked it. I didn’t like to deviate from my routine, and the last three weeks had been a huge deviation. I ran in a different park. I swam at a different gym. I slept in a different bed. I left my favorite coffee mug at my old apartment with Evan.
“For twenty minutes at sunrise. That hardly counts. Try again.”
“My stomach hurts?” I said it as a question. Both of us knew there wasn’t a thing wrong with me except a wounded ego. I didn’t want Evan back, but it sickened me that I wasted so much time with him. I completely misread him until he shoved his true self in my face in the form of a buxom blonde. Even worse, my mom refused to let the idea of a happily ever after for Evan and me die.
She rolled her eyes. “You’re going out with me tonight. I won’t take no for an answer. We’re on a mission.”
“Oh really?” I dropped the magazine in my lap and folded my arms across my chest. “Please share.”
Vera chewed on her lower lip for a second before answering. “We’re going to find the hottest guy in the bar and you’re going to bring him back here and fuck Evan out of your life for good.”
My eyebrows scaled my forehead, disappearing under my blunt cut bangs. “Sorry…that’s not going to happen. I’m not going to stop being me because Evan is a complete and total manwhore.” Evan was my first and only boyfriend. Except for a kiss, I’d given him my first everything. I wasn’t a paragon of virtue who had saved myself for the right guy. On the contrary, I was the quintessential late bloomer. At five feet ten, I towered over most guys in high school, and I didn’t have a curve or anything resembling a chest until I turned eighteen.
My lack of feminine attributes weren’t relevant, because my mom had forbidden me from dating until my senior year. By then I had focused all my attention on doing the right activities to secure admission to the right college to get as far away from my mom as possible. I dated in college a little, but nothing serious until I met Evan at the end of my sophomore year. We were political science majors, and we had friends in common. From the minute we met, we were inseparable, and then we went to the same graduate school.
“We’ll see.” Vera moved to the edge of the bed. She lifted the dress I had crumbled into a ball and held it out in front of her. “This will look sexy on you.”
“It won’t fit me. I’m five inches taller than you, and you have considerably more going on in the chest than me.” Vera’s body resembled a 1950’s pinup girl. Sexiness oozed from her pores like perfume, and today wasn’t any exception. She looked amazing in her short emerald green halter dress.
I realized a long time ago I couldn’t pull off the sexy thing, so I went for sophistication. I had dark brown hair, cut in a blunt bob with long bangs, brown eyes on a bad day, and hazel on a good day.
“Your legs will look amazing in this. You spend all your free time running and swimming. You should show off your hard work.”
“Oh please,” I said rolling my eyes. “I’ll look like the lanky girl who forgot to change out of her pajamas.”
“Put it on. You’ll see. ”
I groaned and held out my hand. “Fine. Give it to me. I don’t care if my ass hangs out the bottom of the dress. Nobody will look at me anyway, especially when you’re standing next to me.”