Mariano was not a respecter of human talent although he himself had a great deal of it. To him, people basically weren’t trustworthy, so therefore his recruiting efforts were never very visionary or creative. He always hired to fill a need. Never to fill a desire or to fulfill a vision.
Mariano’s anger came from not knowing how to mentor people and allow them to be successful. He thought mentoring was weak. Especially compared to his own system of criticizing, correcting, humiliating, and embarrassing his people.
“Your system is too easy,” he said.
“You were a parent raising your son for many years, if I am correct,” I said.
Mariano nodded and said, “Oh, yes.”
“Was that easy?”
“Hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“But you loved him.”
“More than anything.”
“And you guided him and mentored him.”
“Constantly, until I didn’t need to.”
“Rewarding?”
“Oh, yes.”
“And because of your love, was parenting a weak or soft activity?”
“I see where you’re going with this, but there’s no comparison.”
“Why not?”
“You don’t want me to all of a sudden love my employees like I love Derek?”
“Maybe not all of a sudden.”
“After when? I get a heart transplant? After I get new employees?”
“After you coach them. After you really, truly coach them, you won’t have to try to love them. It will just happen.”
“Why is that?”
“Because you’ll get closer with every session. You’ll be partnering for the higher good. You’ll be sharing life’s most difficult experiences. And you’ll be sharing life’s best moments—moments of growth.”
Mariano wasn’t convinced. But he was willing to listen. And, ironically, he’d always been an admirer of Duane’s team. (“How does he pull down those numbers year after year?” he would ask, shaking his head at this strange “magic.”)
I wanted Mariano to get something: When firing a non-producer is not your current choice, then coaching is what you must do.
Seem obvious?
Not to Mariano! And not to most managers. Most managers know nothing of coaching. When a person underperforms, they don’t coach them; they do other things, all of them toxic and dysfunctional. They become sarcastic. Or they ignore their employee, playing the time-worn game of “Guess Why I’m Mad.” They reduce the logical process of business into an emotional battleground. Tension fills the workplace. Morale suffers.
“I don’t know what else to do!” an angry CEO named Mark said when I talked to him about a team leader who wasn’t getting the job done. “I’m caught between a rock and a hard place! I am furious with Gordon, but the nightmare of finding a replacement is too much to think about.”
“How do you think he feels?” I asked.
“Frankly, that doesn’t concern me right now, he has totally betrayed me.” This was getting to be like a scene out of General Hospital for me, so I looked for a way to introduce coaching as an alternative to the daily drama.
“Have you ever coached him?” I asked. “Have you ever mentored Gordon?” Mark stared at me like I’d asked him whether he’d ever given him a pedicure. His face was twisted with confusion.
“What do you mean by coaching?” That was a valid question! What is this coaching process we’re talking about? What do we do, exactly, when we coach someone?
Stop giving unsolicited advice.
A lot of people think that coaching means giving advice; that you give advice in kind of a nice way so that you’re giving advice but you can call it “coaching.” That’s not really coaching. That’s advising.
When you are coaching, the first thing you do is seek to understand the other person. You do not first seek to be understood. Understand where your person’s heart is. What are they thinking? How do they see things? Because if you saw life the way they saw life, you’d likely be doing just what they’re doing. You’d be behaving the way they were. You’d be communicating exactly the way they are. You’d be them.
It’s really important for you to see what your people want to achieve and how they see their situation. Ask questions and let them talk. Keep your hands off their answers.
* * *
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive.
—St. Francis of Assisi
* * *
In the old model of managing, people tried to be understood, period. End of communication! They had all their communications going out and nothing coming in. They were thinking, I sure hope I’m being understood! And then if somebody was messing up, that micromanager would sit down with them and say, “Let me tell you what you’re doing wrong,” or “Let me tell you what I expect of you, here.”
And it wasn’t working.