[From Melody Maker, 18 August 1995.]
LANCE: WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED?
Oh dear. And it was all going so well.
As you surely know by now, Lance Webster put a slightly unusual slant on the Thieving Magpies’ triumphant comeback appearance at Aylesbury last weekend. At the moment no one—not even the Maker—has the slightest clue why any of this happened, but we can provide you with an eyewitness account of precisely what went wrong …
Approx. 3 p.m. Thieving Magpies’ tour van arrives on festival site. Band disembark and disappear into dressing room.
4:30 p.m. Band arrive in backstage bar for press conference. Lance sipping champagne. Lance seems argumentative and a little unhinged in responses.
6 p.m. Lance and Magpies’ drummer, Craig Spalding, spotted watching dEUS on second stage, Lance with pint in hand.
7:15 p.m. Lance seen strolling around backstage area with girlfriend, Katie.
9 p.m. Lance due to be interviewed by Radio 1 in backstage bar—no sign of him. Craig Spalding and guitarist Martin Fox interviewed instead.
10 p.m. Magpies’ scheduled onstage time.
10:15 p.m. Magpies walk onstage to enormous applause and launch into current single, “Contribution.” Lance performing normally.
10:20 p.m. Halfway through second song, “The Cool and the Crooks,” Lance abandons usual lyrics and starts to sing Blur’s “Country House.” During final chorus he sings “the c*nt and the c*nts.”
10:25 p.m. Lance straps on acoustic guitar, swigs heavily from red-wine bottle and begins extremely raucous solo rendition of Oasis’ “Roll with It.” Audience enthusiastically sing along. Lance messes up some lyrics and chords. When he reaches line “I know the road down which your life will drive,” he stops and shouts at crowd: “Why the f*ck are you singing that sh*t? That’s enough. Whoever was singing that b*llocks can f*ck off and watch something else.” Uneasy looks from other band members—eventually Dan Winston speaks quietly to Lance and persuades him to continue with scheduled performance.
10:27 p.m. “Try Blinding”—all is well until after first chorus. Lance wanders away from microphone, stops playing guitar and makes “wanker” signals at an unidentified person in front of stage. Remains on lip of stage until band have reached second chorus, at which point he returns to microphone and sings as usual. Remainder of song passes without further upset.
10:31 p.m. Lance hands guitar to roadie, grabs red-wine bottle and addresses audience: “So who are you here to see? Elastica? F*cking Menswear? [Neither band is playing at Aylesbury.] Cast? The Bluetones? [Both bands completed their sets earlier on.] Well, f*ck off and see them, then. I’ve got no songs for you. F*ck off. We’re not playing another note until you leave.”
10:32 p.m. Several audience members start to voice dissatisfaction with the evening’s entertainment. Hearing this, Lance screams, “Yeah, you can say what you f*cking like, you miserable little c*nts. I’m the one up here with the guitar getting paid. I can play the same song fifteen times in a row if I want.” Someone evidently shouts something like “Go on, then”: Lance nods, utters something off-mic involving the F-word, grabs guitar back from roadie and plays opening chords to “Try Blinding.” Crowd roars disapproval. Dan Winston and guitarist Martin Fox attempt to stop him. Webster stops playing, throws guitar down and leaps offstage to where security are standing.
10:34 p.m. Webster punches male member of security staff in the face. Chaos ensues. Martin Fox and drummer Craig Spalding quickly join melee. Dan Winston strides over to main microphone: “Sorry, everyone, our singer’s decided to be a cock tonight, thanks for your patience.” Four security guards restrain Webster, while Fox and Winston—shortly joined by Thieving Magpies manager Bob Grant—attempt to placate assaulted party.
10:37 p.m. Incredibly, situation briefly improves. Assaulted bouncer is led away, Webster is encouraged back onstage and band resume positions. Audience by now extremely restless, although numbers do not appear to have dwindled.
10:39 p.m. Martin Fox optimistically cranks out opening riff to “Look Who’s Laughing.” Crowd cheers. Lance approaches microphone, draws breath to sing, glances over towards where previous action took place, shouts “F*ck this,” throws guitar down again and dashes off into wings.
10:40 p.m. Thieving Magpies’ 1995 appearance at Aylesbury Festival is over. General confusion, audience hurling beer cups, band members departing as speedily as possible.
10:41 p.m. Pursued by security staff, festival staff, roadies, band members and manager, Lance Webster storms into backstage area, where he spots previous adversary being consoled by security management. Webster hurls himself at him. This time assaulted party fights back, scoring a direct hit.
10:43 p.m. Compère Jonny Malone announces to furious crowd: “Well, sorry, everyone, that appears to be it for the main stage this evening—you can still catch the end of Dodgy’s set on the Loaded stage …”
10:45 p.m. Fight still raging backstage. Roughly fifty people involved now—a large proportion of whom seem to be restraining Webster.
10:50 p.m. Festival police appear. Following swift assessment of situation, Lance Webster is handcuffed and firmly requested to assist authorities with their enquiries.
10:51 p.m. Heated negotiations commence between LiveTime Security, Bob Grant Management and Thames Valley Police.
11:10 p.m. Negotiations transfer to Aylesbury Police Station.
Approx. 3 a.m. Negotiations suspended. Lance Webster is released but instructed to reappear for questioning on 21 August.
Blimey. So what—as just about everyone must be asking this week—the f*ck happened?