This is hell, Jenni thought as she walked through the mall after a few hours of scrubbing toilets and sinks with five other ladies. The mall stank of human sweat and fear. Despite all the cleaning they did, personal hygiene was not a luxury the common people enjoyed. According to one of the ladies she had been working with, only a few showers existed in the mall and most of them were upstairs where the Senator and her entourage lived. The two showers on the main level were rigidly scheduled and each person was allowed a two minute shower every four days.
She felt nasty and raw, but according to the schedule, she wasn’t to have a shower for another two days. The mall was a weird design. Its bottom floor was v-shaped with a long corridor connecting the two sides of the v halfway to form an “A.” The crossing corridor was the food court and public area, complete with a two-story waterfall that fell into a pool of water. Jenni had already been told the waterfall was off limits. It was seen as a reserve water source. Considering how little water they were given, she wondered why it wasn’t being used yet.
As she entered the food court, she saw people sitting down silently eating their rations. It looked like beans with bits of hot dog was the meal. A few kids were running around in the playscape near the waterfall, but otherwise, the scene was depressing. Soon after the news of the fort had spread, other news had countered it. Word was out that the Senator was seizing control of the fort. Hope had slowly sizzled out of everyone.
An enormous skylight let in the outside light and illuminated the area. She noticed a crisscross of catwalks that sprawled over the entire court. What looked like a fire escape-like metal stairway snaked up the back wall and over the empty fast food stalls.
She fell in behind other people waiting for food and let her hair down from its ponytail. After a few minutes in line, she was handed her bowl of beans and wieners and headed over to sit with Bill. He was eating slowly, watching the children with a sad look on his face. “They’re just waiting to die,” he said as she sat down.
“Aren’t we all?” she answered a tad flippantly.
“No, not really. At the fort we were actually living. You and Juan together. Katie pregnant. Folks do things like movie nights and special dance nights. We actually live.” Bill spooned more food into his mouth and chewed.
“True,” Jenni admitted. She shook her head a little to clear her thoughts. Without Juan and Katie, it had grown easier for her to hide inside herself and disassociate from her surroundings. Much to her distaste, she was reverting to the old, quiet Jenni who waited for her husband to unleash on her. Except now, she was waiting for something very wrong to go down. The Senator scared her shitless. Every time the attractive, yet imposing woman appeared looking down at the main floor, Jenni felt her skin crawl. “No, no, you’re right. We are different at the fort,” she admitted. “We actually are living. This is just existing. It’s not right.”
Bill sighed. “I was gonna ask Katarina out to disco night. I actually asked her out for a beer when we got back from the hospital.”
“Really?” Jenni grinned at him. “Good for you!”
“I felt kinda guilty at first liking her. My wife died a year ago, so…” Bill shrugged. “You know what I mean.” Jenni actually didn’t, but she nodded anyway. She felt no remorse about her relationship with Juan or any guilt. But then again, she had pretty much hated her husband.
“But I figure that in this world, you gotta just take your chance at happiness. So I got up the guts to do that. Besides, I guess we are all walking around with some survivor guilt. I feel it now. Looking at these people. I mean the fort hasn’t been a cake walk, but we sure as hell had it better than these folks.”
Jenni slowly ate, looking at the people around her. They were muted. Shadows. People powered down and living on what remained of their energy. “This rumor about the Senator taking over the fort,” Jenni started slowly as she stirred her meal.
“I bet it’s real. It won’t happen though. Can’t. Notice how the high and mightys live up on the second floor? That shit won’t work with us. I can’t see it happening.”
“The military though,” Jenni said softly.
Bill sighed softly. “I know.”
They fell into silence for a few minutes, eating slowly.
“Since coming here, I have been thinking a lot about the first day,” Jenni said at last.
Bill looked at her curiously.
“My children died,” Jenni said, her gaze straying to the playground where too-thin kids played with stifled energy. “I didn’t fight to save my son Mikey. I just ran. I can’t explain what I was thinking, I just ran. I wanted to get away, survive. I know that much. But I ended up outside of my house, with the front door closed and Mikey…” Bill touched her hand gently, trying to soothe her.
“I heard him die, Bill. I heard it. I heard him screaming ‘Mommy’ and I didn’t go back in.” There she had said it. Admitted it. She had admitted it to herself and someone else. It felt like something large, inky, and horrible broke inside her.
“There is nothing you could have done,” Bill said softly. Jenni tried hard not to cry as she ran her hand over her long hair. “I know that, but I didn’t even try. I didn’t know what was even happening, but when I heard those horrible noises, I didn’t move. I just stood there.” She looked around at the people, noting that Amy sat nearby with her children eating. “How can I possibly ever make up for that?’
“You’ve gone out and rescued people. You’ve done a lot.”
Jenni sighed, wiping a tear away. “I just…Bill, maybe this is survivor’s guilt, but sometimes, especially now, I feel I should be the one who died.”
Bill enfolded her in a big bear hug, holding her tightly. “Jenni, you’re a good girl. You’ve done lots of brave things. Just because you didn’t act the way you wished you had that doesn’t make you a bad person. Hell, it’s damn lucky any of us are alive. It all went to shit so fast.”
Jenni snuggled into Bill’s warm shoulder and whispered back, “I just feel so guilty.” “Well, don’t. You got a fine boy waiting for you back at the fort and Juan loves you something awful. We’ll get the hell out of here and get these people to a good life. You deserve it as much as anyone.” Bill gave her a gruff kiss on the cheek and let her go.
Jenni forced a smile, looking around. “I even feel kinda guilty for having been at the fort and not here.”
Bill frowned at her. “Jenni, stop that.”
Jenni pouted at him then said, “Seriously, Bill. What if I was supposed to die that day? What does that say about my life now?”
“That you got a second chance.” Bill shook his head. “Or maybe you were supposed to survive that day so you could help rescue all these people.”