Chapter 5
Evie walked slowly home through the rain, letting it soak through her clothes until her shirt was stuck to her like a second skin and her hair was slicked around her neck in ropes.
She felt the sting as the wind picked up and started whipping the rain in needles against her arms and cheeks. But it felt good – like all her indecision and stupor were being cleansed away. As though the rain was sloughing off some of the dead weight of grief and forcing her mind to focus once again.
Lobo was waiting for her as always by the back door. He sniffed the air and howled as she sprung up the steps. She always had the sense that the dog was looking over her shoulder for Lucas and was eternally disappointed when he failed to appear. At the thought of Lucas she felt another lurch in her gut. Every time, every single time she thought of him she felt like she’d been sucker punched.
Would it always be like this? She didn’t want it to be but she didn’t want it not to be either. The thing that scared her most was forgetting him, forgetting his smile and his voice, forgetting the feel of his skin beneath her fingertips and the filigree of scars that had felt as fine to the touch as silver strands. What if she forgot the exact colour of his eyes and the tiny golden strikes at the centres? What if she forgot the way it felt when he kissed her – as though all the world had gone to hell around them but that it didn’t matter? What if she forgot the way he made her feel?
She already had to some degree. She only recognised it by its absence. She carried with her a constant unnerving feeling of being unsafe. Even though she knew the way through was shut and that she was in no more danger, something inside her stayed tensed in fear. Lucas was the only thing that had kept that fear at bay.
Her mother was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her. She jumped to her feet the moment Evie walked in and headed straight towards her with a towel in her hands.
‘Where have you been?’ she asked, taking in Evie’s bedraggled appearance.
‘I’m sorry,’ Evie said. ‘I’m really sorry, mum.’
A movement over her mother’s shoulder caught Evie’s eye and she looked up. It was Joe. He was standing by the sink, nursing a cup of coffee.
‘Evie,’ he said, smiling at her, though the disappointment in his eyes was clear as day.
Evie’s shoulders slumped. Disappointment from every side. It was getting difficult to manage it all alongside the crushing weight of Lucas’s absence and still keep moving forward.
‘Your mum’s been worried,’ he said.
‘I know,’ Evie said, her voice cracking. ‘I went for a walk. I’m sorry. I needed to clear my head.’
‘Well, you’re back now,’ her mother said with a forced smile. ‘And you’re soaked to the skin. Why don’t you hop upstairs and run a bath and I’ll bring you up some cocoa.’
Evie swallowed, feeling fresh tears well up. ‘Thanks,’ she said.
She headed for the stairs, passing Joe on the way. He gave her a warning look, a look that said, Stop doing this to your mother, I beg you. Evie looked away, heat scoring up her neck.
She wasn’t sure if it wasn’t already too late for that.