She was nearly in tears as she said brokenly, ‘I didn’t tell anyone, Mum. Neither did Michael – I wouldn’t let him. I didn’t want to get everyone’s hopes up again. That way, if I lost this baby, I wouldn’t have to face everyone, see their disappointment along with my own. I would have just coped with it myself this time. I didn’t tell you in case it went wrong again. I couldn’t bear to put you through it.’
Lana felt as if her own heart was going to split in two. Her daughter’s words were so sad. But she could understand the girl’s logic. It had been so traumatic for her, losing her babies time and time again. She had hated witnessing her girl’s pain, watching her beautiful daughter die inside a little bit more with every failure. She had held her while she cried her heart out, wishing she could take her girl’s overwhelming sense of loss and pain on herself, so her daughter wouldn’t have to experience it. But that wasn’t possible; all she could do was be there for her, and pray for the best.
‘Oh, darling, I understand. But I want to help you in any way I can. I would have kept it to myself. I’m your mum, Josephine. I know we have had our differences, but never forget that you are everything to me. All I want is your happiness, darling.’
Josephine hugged her mum tightly, relieved now that she knew what was going on. ‘I didn’t even tell Michael at first, Mum. He noticed eventually, of course, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone else about it. As mad as this might sound, I feel different this time. I feel like this time I can do it. This baby moves about a lot. I can feel it’s alive. I wish I had told you, Mum. I know I can always trust you, no matter what. I am so sorry.’
For the first time in ages, Lana actually felt close to her only child. She held her daughter tightly, marvelling at her firm, round belly, and the familiar feel of her daughter’s embrace. It had been so long since she had held her in her arms. Her knowledge of Michael Flynn had caused the rift between them, and she knew now that she could not allow her personal feelings for Michael to cloud her relationship with her only child. She had no option – her daughter needed her, and that was enough.
‘I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, darling. But I promise you, I will always be there for you, Josephine, no matter what.’
Josephine could feel her mother’s tears mingling with her own. The guilt was completely overwhelming her now. She knew how much her mum loved her; never once in her life had she ever felt unwanted or neglected. Her mum and dad had lived for her, and she had always known that. She had chosen her husband over her mum, and that had been hard, but she knew she would do the same again, if needed. He was everything to her, and he always would be.
‘Please, Mum, promise me you won’t say anything bad about Michael again. I just can’t stand it. He has stood by me and loved me through everything. He was happy to forget all about having babies, just so I wouldn’t have to go through any more heartache. That is why I didn’t tell him about this baby till I had to. I love him more than anything, and he loves me, Mum, I know that.’
Lana sighed gently. ‘I won’t say a word about anything or anyone. I promise.’ She had learnt her lesson as far as all that was concerned. That her Josephine had chosen Michael over her had given her a reality check. She wasn’t going to lose her daughter again, that was for sure. Michael Flynn was not someone she wanted in her daughter’s life, she knew him for the man he really was. But her daughter didn’t see him as anything other than her knight in shining armour, and she knew she would never disabuse her of that notion. It was pointless to even try. But she would watch him like a hawk, and pray every day that her Josephine would eventually see him for what he was.
Chapter Fifty-Five