Chapter Twenty-Two
SUMMER GOT INTO POSITION, STILL DIZZY FROM TIERNAN’S confession. Hands on hips. Chin over right shoulder. There was so much she needed to process, so many story lines to rearrange in her head. But there wasn’t time for that now.
The song kicked in and off she went—marching forward eight beats, heads up, gaze straight ahead, the feeling of someone shuffling a deck of cards inside her chest. The opening of “Parade” was all percussion, an actual recording of the marching band at Travis, Luke, and Ryan’s old high school. Summer had spent the last four years listening to drums like these from the bleachers of the Walford High football field as they inspired the team to victory. This time, it was her turn.
Stomp, hip swivel, jump left, jump right, stomp. The steps were so deeply etched in her subconscious that they seemed to come without memory.
DON’T TELL ME I’M GONNA BE LATE
YOUR P-P-PARADE WILL JUST HAVE TO WAIT,
OR MAYBE IT WON’T, BUT I’M STILL GONNA BE THERE
RIGHT ON TIME . . .
Summer twirled just as the zap of the electric guitar broke through the steady drumbeat, like that first frenzied breath after surfacing from underwater. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Alice’s ponytail slip from its holder, her mane of tangled hair flying in all directions.
At least now she knew. Not that Summer was ready to instantly forgive Alice and Tiernan, but she was ready to let it go. She needed to let it go. How many times had she relived that awful night in her mind, repeating all of the vile things Alice had said until she’d actually started believing them?
Summer’s eyes brushed past Tiernan’s, and the three of them moved seamlessly into the Britney Spears hip-grind stomp, like three sexy babies throwing tantrums. As mad as she was, Summer always loved watching Tiernan do this part—the way she could come off as strong, fearless, and sultry in equal measure. Fricking Tiernan. How was it possible that a girl with so much confidence could actually be jealous of her? Or was her confidence just an act? And if so, why had Summer bought into it—even envied Tiernan for it?
UP AHEAD, THE BAND PLAYS THE FIGHT SONG,
BEHIND US, THE BEAUTY QUEEN SMILES
AND WE’RE WALKING HERE TOGETHER
WE’VE BEEN WALKING HERE FOR MILES . . .
They were almost at the part where Summer always blew it. She’d make the mistake of following Alice, who’d inevitably start with her right foot instead of her left, and then Summer’s whole series of knee-lifts would be off. But today Summer wasn’t following anyone’s lead. Today the music was her only guide.
. . . BUT IN THIS PARADE
I’M GONNA MARCH TO MY OWN TIME . . .
Without even thinking about the steps, Summer nailed them. She felt like that girl back at the bonfire in West Virginia. Dancing only for herself. Maybe that was the key to staying together—letting Alice and Tiernan make their own mistakes and just dance her own part of the dance as well as she could.
After all, the only person Summer was in charge of was herself. She couldn’t control what Alice and Tiernan did onstage (or off it, for that matter). But what she could do was make a choice. She could let anger take the lead—just like she’d always done. Or she could choose to let it go.
Letting go. Maybe that’s all forgiveness really was.
Summer marched in place as the routine circled back to where it had started—three girls in a row, arms raised in triumph, eyes straight ahead. She stayed like that as the melody faded and the drums came back in again, letting the applause rush over her while rivers of sweat collected in the corners of her mouth.
“Holy dance routines, Batman! Those girls know how to boogie,” Laura G.’s voice boomed. The crowd responded with the appropriate whistles and catcalls.
Summer dropped her arms and looked over at her dance partners. Alice was all dimples and teeth. Tiernan’s eyes sparkled—half joy, half tears. Summer had so much to be angry at them for, so many questions left unanswered, but all she wanted was to enjoy the moment. The funny thing was, the choice didn’t belong to anyone but herself.
Summer smiled wide as applause thundered all around her. Not that she needed the affirmation. The feeling of victory was already shining inside of her, and it felt like freedom, right here on the Freedom Stage.
“So, how long have you girls been rehearsing this number?” Kai asked.
This time Summer reached for the microphone. “We haven’t practiced all together for a while.” Her breath came hard. “But it was easy. We knew it all by heart.”
She stole a glance at Alice and Tiernan, and they looked back at her, their eyes shining. For someone who loved the English language as much Summer, she realized that some of her favorite moments in life came when words were superfluous. The silent exchanges, those were the real-life poetry.
“My producer has just handed me the tabulated scores,” Kai announced. “And it appears as if we have a tie.” Kai paused to create suspense. “Geoff Newman, could you come out here, please?”
A droopy-faced man walked onstage holding a clarinet. It took Summer a second to recognize him as the same guy who’d played that great instrumental version of “Snow Cone.”
“Geoff, Pea Pod Experience”—Kai said their name with a heavy dose of sarcasm—“one of you will be going to Level3 tonight!”
The audience screamed and cheered. Alice grasped Summer’s hand and squeezed it hard. “And we’ll find out who right after this break.”
The radio station sound effects blared out of the speakers, and Summer could feel the floorboards trembling under her feet. Or maybe she was the one trembling. But before she could figure it out, the microphone boy was herding them offstage to a holding area in the wings.
Summer practically dove into the cooler of complimentary energy drinks. Not that an overcaffeinated soda was likely to help with her shaking. Tiernan chugged hers down in one gulp. Alice sipped from one drink while holding another ice-cold can against the back of her neck. For a long time, no one said a word. There was so much to say, it was hard to know where to begin.
“So, what do you think they’ll have us do?” Alice asked, breaking their silence. “You know, for the final showdown.”
It hadn’t occurred to Summer that they might actually have to do something else. What did they have left?
“It doesn’t matter,” Summer whispered. “We’re going to win this thing.”
“Mmm-hmm.” Tiernan nodded. “It’s beshert.”
Alice smiled. “I thought you guys didn’t believe in fate anymore.”
“Things happen for a reason,” Summer said. “And maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with this contest or even with Level3. . . Maybe it’s just about the three of us, being here, together, and finally, you know, having things out.”
Alice’s eyes locked on Summer. Tiernan fiddled with the metal tab on her can.
“I’m not saying that I’m over it,” Summer added quickly. “What you guys did to me was awful. You don’t know what it’s like to feel publicly humiliated like that.”
“I’m sorry.” Alice’s eyes welled with tears. “I know it was wrong. But when Tiernan told me how you said I embarrassed you—”
“Which was a lie,” Tiernan cut in.
“An exaggeration,” Summer corrected, surprising herself with her own admission.
Alice wiped her eyes. “Even if it wasn’t exactly the truth, it felt like it was . . . like you were abandoning me for all of your new ‘popular’ friends, who didn’t like me and Tiernan. Like suddenly Tiernan and I weren’t good enough for you anymore.”
Summer always assumed Alice didn’t care what people thought of her. That she didn’t have the same insecurities regular people did. Just another fiction she’d convinced herself was true.
“The three of us were best friends since the fourth grade. Did you think I just turned into some cold, heartless jerk?”
Summer went on. “I know part of it was my fault. I did blow you guys off for my new friends freshman year. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But all I wanted was a little space to do my own thing, for once in my life. You guys were always doing exciting stuff like going off to summer camp or jetting off to New York City to go shopping for the weekend. You always had so many opinions about things. Sometimes stuff I’d never even heard about. But all I had was you.” Summer could feel her anger rising up again. “And I didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”
It would be so easy to just let the angry feelings take over again, whereas letting go felt like a constant effort. More proof that doing the right thing isn’t always necessarily the easiest path.
“I know.” Alice nodded guiltily. “You didn’t deserve it.”
“You were hurt, and you lashed out,” Summer said. “But a lot of what you said was true. Just like it was true about Jace.”
Alice shook her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you like that—”
“Don’t be sorry.” Summer cut her off. “You told me. That’s the main thing.”
“Well, whatever either of you did or didn’t do, I think we can all agree that I’m the real a-hole here,” Tiernan said.
“That’s true.” Summer smirked. Then she gave Tiernan a playful elbow to the gut. “Come on, that was a joke.”
Tiernan forced a smile.
“What I’m trying to say is . . .” Summer took a deep breath. “No single one of us is completely innocent for what happened. And no one is completely to blame.”
“So, we all suck?” Tiernan asked.
“I think we’ve all been hurt.” Summer swallowed the rest of her drink as if washing down her words. “And I think it would probably take the rest of our lives to figure out all of the messed-up reasons we did what we did.”
Summer shivered from the chill of the ice-cold liquid in her stomach. It felt surreal admitting these things out loud. To be here, in Houston, Texas, rehashing the past with her ex-best friends, who, as it turned out, still happened to be two of the people who knew her the best—Alice, all wide-eyed and eager; Tiernan, who looked so uncomfortable talking about “feelings,” she probably would have jumped into her soda can if she fit.
They were both so different from her. And yet, Summer had spent the last four years hanging out with people who all looked alike and dressed alike and acted alike. But the only thing her Walford friends really seemed to have in common was the fact they were too afraid to actually be themselves.
“As mad as I am at you,” Summer said to Tiernan, “and I am still mad at you, I think it was very brave doing what you did out there.”
“Psh.” Tiernan shook her head. “I had to stop being a wuss sometime, didn’t I?” She lifted her soda and took a large swig. “Just don’t tell my mom about it, or she might think I’ve actually learned some kind of ‘lesson.’”
“Oh, that would be tragic,” Alice joked.
Summer stared at Tiernan. She could relate to feeling scared. Maybe that was forgiveness, too. Understanding.
“Welcome back to the Level3 Super-Fan Challenge!” Kai’s voice blasted out of nowhere, stirring up a fluttery feeling in Summer’s heart.
She crossed her fingers and held her hand out in front of her. “We have this,” she whispered. “It’s our destiny.”
Tiernan and Alice crossed their fingers, too, holding them out so that all three of their hands touched.
“I know what your destiny is.” Tiernan shot Summer a knowing look. “Travis Wyland.”
“Maybe,” Summer said with a smile. The truth was, she kind of had a feeling about that, too.
Laura G. and Kai were still talking, their inane DJ blather echoing through the wings, but Summer couldn’t focus on their words.
“Okay, follow me.” The microphone guy swept in out of nowhere. He put his hand on Summer’s shoulder and gave her a forceful little shove. Behind his back, Tiernan leveled him with a death stare.
Then, just like that, she was back onstage with Alice and Tiernan, without even quite knowing how. Geoff, the clarinet guy, stood next to them.
“And, heeeeerre they aaaarre.” Kai’s voice blared full of phony enthusiasm. The audience burst into applause on cue. She heard someone scream “Pea Pod Experience!”
Summer felt woozy, as if her body were made of rubber—a combination of nervousness, lack of sleep, and the 250-milligram jolt of caffeine she’d had backstage.
“Okay, so let’s get down to business,” Kai said. “After careful review of the judges’ notes—”
“That would be our notes, Kai,” Laura pointed out.
“The judges—Laura G. and myself—have come to our decision.” Kai paused. “You ready to hear it, Houston?”
The audience’s howl sent a rush of blood to Summer’s head. With front row tickets, she’d finally be able to see Travis up close—to see what he looked like for real, as a human being, not the man-god she’d built him up to be in her mind. She could almost feel herself there, the stage lights spilling onto them as she screamed the lyrics to every song with Alice and Tiernan by her side.
“The winner is . . .” Kai made a drumroll noise with his lips. “Geoff Newman!”
The audience exploded, but Summer’s body fell so still, she wondered if she might have stopped breathing. She forced herself to look at Alice and Tiernan, then immediately regretted it. All she wanted to do was to get off this stage, to run back to the Pea Pod, and cry. Couldn’t these people give them a little privacy?
“Congratulations, Geoff!” Laura G. approached him. They shook hands. “But before I hand over your ticket, I want to tell our audience about the conversation you and I had backstage.”
Great. While they were backstage having a heart-to-heart, Geoff had been schmoozing the judges. Talk about unfair. Summer gave Alice and Tiernan a not-so-subtle look of disbelief. Alice’s expression was blank, like a coma victim. Tiernan’s face was twisted into a scowl.
“Anyway,” Laura continued. “It would appear as if Geoff’s playing a solo number both on and offstage.”
“Tooting his own horn, so to speak,” Kai added. The sound effects guy played a clip of a woman moaning in ecstasy. The audience groaned.
“Ignore him, Geoff,” Laura scolded.
“Technically, the clarinet’s a wind instrument,” Geoff said, deadpan.
“Any-hoo,” Laura went on. “As everyone here knows, we have four tickets to give away to the very special one-night-only Level3 show tonight, and Geoff only needs one, so, I did the math . . .”
“Uh-oh, there’s math involved.” Kai made a snoring sound.
All at once, Summer’s breath came rushing back to her.
“Pea Pod Experience . . . turns out this might just be your lucky day after all. . . . You’re going to Level3 tonight!”
The next thing Summer knew, her arms were entangled with Alice’s and Tiernan’s, the three of them hopping around the stage in a shrieking, crying clump, like a three-headed Miss America.
“Congratulations,” said a voice from outside their circle of chaos. Geoff the clarinetist eyed them warily.
“You too,” Summer called to Geoff, pulling herself free of the celebration. Alice and Tiernan collected themselves and added their compliments.
“So, I hope you don’t mind me tagging along for the limo ride,” he said apologetically. He didn’t seem embarrassed by going to the concert alone, just concerned with cramping their style.
The idea came to Summer all at once. But when she opened her mouth to run it by Alice and Tiernan, she could see they’d had the same thought. Of course, this sent them all into violent hysterics. Geoff looked even more awkward than before.
“If y-you’d rather I do something else,” he stammered, “I can—”
Summer kindly cut him off. “The limo’s all yours, Geoff,” she said, smiling. “My friends and I already have a ride.”
“ROLLER COASTER”
ON THE UP SIDE,
I’M UNDER
CONTROL.
THE FAMILIAR THRILL
OF KNOWING
WHAT COMES NEXT.
THOUGH IT OFFERS NO SURPRISES,
THE ANXIETY, IT RISES,
THE HIGHER UP WE GO,
TILL THERE’S NOWHERE LEFT TO GO
AND I JUST FALL,
I FALL, I FALL,
OH, OH
I JUST
FALL.
—from Level3’s self-titled first CD