“Well, I like it,” the Duke of Earl would say. “I like that silly song.”
After three weeks, the Duke of Earl returned home. He never went back to America, but he never stopped thinking about it, never stopped talking about it. He had a responsibility, of course, to love and serve the people of Earl above all else, and that he would do—that of course he would do. But in his heart at night, always baffling and delighting him, was America, the vast and varied land where everyone was singing the same song.
The Pleasure of Being Right
“I’ll never get over it.”
You will, everyone told him.
“I’ll never be happy again. It’s over, it’s all over!”
Of course you will be, they said. Happier, even! You just can’t see it now.
But they were wrong, and he was right. He was miserable for forty years, and then he found out it was time to die.
What had they known, after all? They were just saying all that. They didn’t have any information that he didn’t.
In fact, they’d had considerably less information than he had. They just knew what they thought they were supposed to say, so they said it.
In his final half hour, as he lay in his hospital bed, alone except for a dreadlocked attendant in blue who spoke a different language, now at the end of a life that was indeed defined by despair and meaninglessness—just as he had insisted it would be—his spirits first sank and then lifted as he felt himself slip into a deep and private joy, recognized by all who feel it but known only by a few: the pleasure of being right in the end.
Strange News
Man Returns to Bank He Robbed for Smaller Bills
BISMARCK, ND—A North Dakota man who had robbed a local bank was arrested after he returned to the same bank window two days later and attempted to exchange his hundred-dollar bills for smaller denominations. “If he wanted twenties, he should have just asked for them the first time,” said bank manager William Long, who recognized the suspect’s voice from the robbery. “Or just stuck with what he had—I’d say a bag of hundreds can get you pretty far in today’s economy!”
Indeed, the world’s economy is based entirely upon the collectively held assumption that numbered pieces of paper issued by governments correspond to specific, tangible, and transferable real-world values. These presumed values fluctuate every second in relation to the perceived value of numbered pieces of paper printed in other countries, and also to pieces of metal (see Regular News).
Moose Interrupts Town Meeting on Wildlife Protection
WECK, ID—A town council meeting on whether to vote to extend wildlife protection in a local park got a surprise visitor on Friday: a moose!
Officials say the animal, an adult bull moose, wandered in through an open loading-dock door and interrupted council business for nearly an hour as animal-control workers untangled the antlers from a string of seasonal holiday lights. “I’m a devoted hunter, and I can say I’ve never seen antlers that big,” said Councilman Thomas Ross. “Those were some major antlers.”
Scientists have determined that antlers are a result of an imperceptibly incremental evolutionary adaptation over the course of millions of years, a process that began with one single-celled carbon-based life form which traces its own origin to an infinitely small dot of arguably infinite energy that exploded 13.7 billion years ago due to reasons that are thought to be best understood by a man in a wheelchair who speaks through a computerized voice box (see Regular News).
World’s Largest Tomato to Become Tomato Sauce
NAPOLI, ITALY—A tomato declared by Guinness World Records to be the world’s largest tomato will now become tomato sauce, says the farmer who grew it. “We already have the record, now let us celebrate!” said Elio Bianchi III, 52. “What is the point of watching it rot, with so many hungry people out there smacking their lips for delicious pasta?”
Indeed, worldwide totals of food production and of people living in poverty simultaneously hit all-time highs this year (see Regular News).
Man Sues Brother over Glass of Flat Beer
WIKOSHA, WI—A man took his brother to small claims court to demand compensation for the “annoyance and emotional distress” caused when Saver’s Pub, the bar owned by his brother, allegedly served him a glass of flat beer. The man is suing for $160, claiming that the experience “ruined [his] whole night” and that his brother’s offer of unlimited Coca-Cola in its stead was “designed to humiliate” the man and “to show everyone that I’m still just his little brother, still drinking Coca-Cola even though I’m a grown adult at a bar.”
Coca-Cola, a beverage that was originally designed for the purposes of recreational cocaine use and subsequently adapted as a concoction of uniquely flavored and sweetened carbonated water devoid of nutritional content, spent the past year as the world’s most popular and profitable product brand (see Regular News).