Nine
I’ll just bet she was. “Was she rambling on and on about Eric’s finer attributes?” I giggled.
“The roses weren’t from Eric.”
“Well, since the girl seems to have any number of admirers,” I mumbled around the rising hysteria that was suddenly choking the life from me, “I really couldn’t begin to guess who they were from.”
“Eve, you know exactly who they were from!” he insisted harshly, seemingly unwilling to go along with my what you don’t know can keep you sane philosophy.
No, I most certainly did not know whom the flowers were from! Although I did know they weren’t from Adam, as Justin seemed to be so callously insinuating. I should just hang up on him. The nerve!
Adam wouldn’t send Chia roses!
He couldn’t have!
Not when he was about to propose to me.
“What makes you think they were from Adam?” I strangled on the words, furious with him for even alluding to such an insane notion. He was way off base on this one! The roses were probably from Eric. After all, a 15 should be deserving of a dozen roses at the very least. But then again, who knew how many other men Chia was currently carrying on illicit affairs with? The floral arrangement could be from any number of devoted admirers.
“They were from Adam.” The way he said this left no doubt. “Chia told my girlfriend Alicia.”
I crumbled where I sat as Justin continued with his torturous tale of treason.
“Alicia said Chia had ended it with Adam and had been seeing this other guy for awhile. Some young stud she was absolutely crazy about.”
Eric.
“Then yesterday at lunch this guy just up and dumps her. She told Alicia that she wasn’t about to spend Valentine’s Day alone, so she called Adam. Can you believe she told him she loved him just so he would get her a gift for Valentine’s Day? Is he really that gullible?”
“Yes,” I whispered around rising panic.
“She was also bragging to Alicia about how she had him wrapped around her little finger. And get this! During break he took Chia out to his car and showed her a package from a jewelry store. Alicia said she was jumping up and down hugging and kissing him and trying to persuade him to let her see what was inside. He told her she could open the package tonight. When they went back to her place.”
When they went back to her place?
He wasn’t going to her place!
He was coming here.
This couldn’t be happening!
Again!
On Valentine's Day!
Something from a jewelry store?
For Chia?
“Thanks for calling, Justin,” I mumbled, suppressing the overwhelming urge to slit my wrist in an effort to avoid the head on collision with hell that I knew was fast approaching.
“No problem. I just thought you should know.”
I would wait to see what Adam had to say when he arrived at my house after work, before I jumped to irrational conclusions. This could all be nothing more than a huge misunderstanding. He had already promised that he was coming over tonight and that I would be allowed to open the little box that was safely tucked away in the trunk of his car. It was Valentine’s Day for crying out loud. Adam wouldn’t lie to me about something so important, on this of all days. No, Justin was wrong. Alicia was wrong. Chia was lying. Adam loved me and would be here shortly to ask me to be his wife and slip a sparkling token of his undying love on my finger.
Striving to make since of Justin’s sickening lies and utter nonsense, I called Eric. “What happened with you and Chia?”
“I couldn’t take it anymore, Eve.” He sounded as if he had decided to wash his hands of the entire situation. “That girl is crazy! All she wanted was sex.”
“And that was a problem?” I attempted to laugh while swiping at a torrent of scalding tears.
“That and the fact that she called every five minutes to tell me how much she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. And did you know she has six kids?”
“Yes, I thought I told you that.” I was becoming quite adept at fabrications myself. I should have heeded the Bible, especially the part where God says, “Vengeance is mine!”
“No, you left that part out. Get this! She wanted me to take her and her six kids to Carowinds this weekend. Aside from the fact that I have no desire to develop a relationship with her children, there’s no way I could afford tickets for six kids and two adults! Is she nuts?”
“Evidently.”
“Then she came to my job yesterday and brought me a plate of rice and some kind of meat.”
“When exactly did you end it with her, Eric?” I whispered as my body began to shake with uncontrollable spasms.
“Yesterday, when she brought me the plate of food. I lied and told her I had met someone else and wouldn’t be seeing her anymore. She started shouting and spluttering words I couldn’t begin to understand, so I walked back into the plant before she could cause a scene.”
“Okay, Eric. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I felt dazed and dizzy as my world once again began the oft-repeated process of collapsing around me.
“Are you okay, Eve?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired.”
Of life!
Alicia had told Justin that Chia had been dumped yesterday at lunchtime. Eric had verified that. I could confirm that there was a package from a jewelry store in the trunk of his car. My package. Yesterday when I had called Adam for hours, he hadn’t answered. Today, he had taken a beep and told me it was his mother. Lies!
“Bye, Eve.”
Feeling like I might be experiencing one of Sylvia Browne’s out of body episodes, I removed the high heels, went to the liquor cabinet and made a Bloody Mary minus the tomato juice.
Teri was spending Valentine’s Day with her husband. Tammy and Mallory were happily spending alone time with their current boyfriends. I could only wonder how my Valentine’s Day would turn out. At 11:36 I received the much anticipated and dreaded answer, when Adam called from work.
“Hey, Eve.”
I downed the glass of vodka and gasped as my throat caught fire. “Why are you still at work, Adam?”
“I have to work over tonight.” He was talking fast, as if he only had a few minutes to waste with talking to me. “I really hate to, but we are shorthanded tonight.”
“On Valentine’s Day, Adam!” I shrieked as I felt a tightening in my chest and the threatening approach of a full-blown panic attack. He wasn’t working over tonight, anymore than he had all those nights he had lied about in the past. How could I have been so blind!
He was going to propose to Chia!
Tonight!
And place my ring on her finger!
“You aren’t even going to see me? On Valentine’s Day, Adam?"
“I can’t, Eve! Didn’t I just tell you I have to work over tonight? Besides, it’s just another day!”
Just another day? In my estimation it was the most romantic day of the year and meant to be spent with the person you loved most in the world. Evidently that was Adam’s intent as well.
Inching ever closer to my breaking point, I headed into the kitchen for a refill. “If it’s just another day, Adam, then why did you send Chia roses?” I needed to end this charade once and for all, before Adam succeeded in his vicious plot to see me institutionalized, or in the grave.
A long silence ensued and then he asked, “How did you find out?” He sounded vastly annoyed that someone had gone behind his back and informed me of the floral delivery, while the pain in my voice didn’t seem to bother him at all. “What makes you think the roses were from me?”
“I know about the roses, Adam! How could you do this to me? Again?” I hadn’t meant for him to hear me cry, but I was about to choke on the words.
“It wasn’t my intention to hurt you, Eve. It just… happened.”
I had to have some answers or give up my slippery grasp on the pretense of sanity and he was going to give them to me before he hung up the damn phone.
“What’s in the box in your car, Adam?” I struggled to breath, decided not to bother with a glass and drank the vodka straight from the bottle. “The one from the jewelry store?”
“An engagement ring,” he finally said.
“When you bought it, who did you intend to give it to?” If we never spoke again I had to know the awful truth to this one burning question.
“Well… you. I actually bought it for you. Then Chia called begging for my forgiveness and reassuring me of how much she loved me and telling me what a horrible, horrible mistake she had made with some guy named Eric.” He didn't think he had hurt me quite enough, so he added, “She was on my mind when I picked the ring out. It would have been too small for you anyway.”
“Is she pregnant?”
“She was, but she had a… miscarriage.”
“Don’t you mean abortion, Adam?”
“Whatever! It doesn’t really matter now. We have plenty of time to make more babies.”
I could hear the anguish in his voice. Not from hurting me. Oh no! From the betrayal he felt from Chia having had the abortion.
He took a long shaky breath and exhaled slowly. “Okay, I’m just going to be honest with you, Eve. I love her. I can’t help it. I know I could settle down with you and be content, but I don’t want to settle for mere contentment. Chia is like a drug that I can’t get enough of! When we are together is the only time I really feel alive and deliriously happy. You might find this hard to believe, but I have actually cried myself to sleep over her, especially the last couple of nights knowing she was with another man. I thought I would lose my mind!”
Join the club. “I bet you never cried over me, did you?”
He gave a harsh little chuckle designed to let me know exactly where I stood. “I would never cry over an American girl. You are all so…ordinary. There’s nothing exciting or exotic or special about you. Now, you take an Asian girl, or a Mexican girl, or an exotic girl from one of the Islands and you see what a real woman looks like.”
I had lost Adam, again. On Valentine’s Day! It looked like Valentine’s Day 2012 was shaping up to be every bit as hellacious as Christmas 2011 had been. Screw holidays! I hung up the phone, threw the empty vodka bottle into the trash and staggered down the hall toward my bed and my beloved bottle of Valium.
It didn’t take long to discover that life without Adam hurt like the eternal fires of hell. Sinking deeper and deeper into a dark, suffocating depression, within a few weeks I was questioning my reasons for even getting out of bed. Getting dressed? Brushing teeth? What exactly was the point again?
I worked, went home, ate and slept. Emotion of any kind was something I rarely felt anymore. In an attempt to convince myself that the pain would pass, my mind had stepped in and began to block the pain. I had erected a large concrete invisible barrier between myself and my friends, my family and anything outside the shelter of my bedroom. Blessed numbness had settled over me like a warm blanket.
I had lost about fifteen pounds. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me, but Teri, Tammy, Mallory, and my family harped on my gaunt appearance as if I were a candidate for an intervention. Admittedly, my clothes were beginning to hang loosely and I would benefit from an entire new, two sizes smaller, wardrobe. However, I had absolutely no desire to go traipsing around a mall. I found it an almost insurmountable challenge to go food shopping.
Without fail one of the girls was calling every hour on the hour with some ridiculous and boring anecdote, when their sole intention was to obtain a progress report on my sanity. I was sorely tempted to have my phone disconnected.
I hadn’t been to a girl’s night in three months and unless some drastic changes occurred in my life, would probably never attend another one. Why couldn’t they just pretend I had moved to Alabama to my son’s current construction site and stop constantly harassing me? On cue the phone rang and with extreme irritation I wondered which of the Tiresome Trio it could be.
“It’s time for you to snap out of it, Eve,” Teri droned in a seriously annoying tone.
“Okay. I will.” I held my fingers to the phone and snapped. “Done! Gee thanks, now I feel much better. You should have demanded I do that months ago, before I had personally tripled the quarterly profits for the Kleenex Tissue Company.”
“Thank God you never lost your sarcasm. Anyway, have your bags packed Friday.”
“Why? I’m not going anywhere,” I was beyond bored with her monotonous and redundant get out of the house routine.
As was usually the case, she totally ignored my comment. I was beginning to believe I might have to piss the girl off to get her to leave me the hell alone.
“Yes, you are.”
Much to my dismay, I could tell by the lilt in her voice that she was in one of those argumentative moods where she resisted taking no for an answer. She was convinced that if she yammered enough about a subject she could bend anyone to her way of thinking. Not this time!
“The girls and I are taking you to the beach for your birthday.” This was uttered as if she expected me to flip out of bed and do cartwheels around the room at the mere thought of a fun filled weekend getaway.
“My birthday is May 30.” I tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn.
“Duh.”
Was it May already? Good grief! I guess it was. “I’m not going.” I was grateful they had thought to include me in their plans, although I truly wished they hadn’t, but I wasn’t in the mood to join in the fun of an exciting beach excursion. “Y’all go and have a good time. If you happen to stop at one of those souvenir shops along the way bring me back a pecan log for my birthday.”
“Please do us both a favor, Eve, and spare me the wearisome litany of why you can’t go, because come hail or high water you are going to get out of that damn house for your birthday!”
“No, I’m not! I am turning fifty, Teri! What about that is cause for celebration?” I hoped she missed the slight edge of hysteria that drifted into my voice.
She didn’t.
“I’m coming to spend the night with you Thursday night and we’re leaving first thing Friday morning for Myrtle Beach, whether you like it or not. So you might as well go ahead and start shaving the furrier parts of your body, the ones that probably haven’t seen a razor since Valentine’s Day. You know how you tend to ignore even the most basic hygiene when you are depressed.”
“Screw you, Teri. Bathing is basic hygiene, which I do daily, thank you. Hair removal is not a prerequisite to cleanliness, regardless of what you think.”
“Well, if I were you I’d go ahead and call a plumber ahead of time, because you know damn well all that hair is going to stop up the bathtub drain and I will have to bathe come Friday morning.”
I started to give her a piece of my mind, but instead I burst out laughing. “You are a bitch from the depths of hell, Teri.”
“I know. Don’t think you are the first to insult me. Kids started doing that in elementary school and by high school I was getting my head slammed in lockers and shoved in toilets daily, just because I was different.”
It was true. Teri didn’t remember her childhood or teen years fondly. Her homosexuality had made her a prime target for the cruelest bullies in school, causing her to suffer terribly at the hands of fellow classmates.
“You’re more than welcome to come and spend the night Thursday. But I can assure you that I am not going on a beach trip.”
“I’ll see you Thursday night and pack your suitcase when I get there. Gotta go, love you, bye.”
Good luck with that! Like I had anything to pack that would actually fit.
Well, she was pissed. Good. Maybe she would delete my number from her phone. But honestly I didn’t really give a flying flip. No one was going to make me get out of bed, cover my atrophied body in something other than pajamas, unplug my Kindle Fire, turn off the Lifetime Movie Network, and close my bag of Reeses Pieces when I didn’t want to. So there!
Now, if I could just think of a way to piss off Thelma and Louise. The phone was ringing and I could only guess that Teri had called the two remaining Musketeers for backup. She had wasted her breath, for Tammy or Mallory weren’t going to convince me to go someplace I didn’t want to go either.
But it wasn’t Tammy or Mallory on the phone. I shivered involuntarily when I recognized the deep Southern drawl. It was Justin. This couldn’t be good. Thinking back, it suddenly occurred to me that Justin had never once called me with good news. I held my breath as he casually asked, “Hey Eve, did you see the diamond Adam gave Chia?”
“I saw the box.”
“It’s some rock. One of those marquise styles.”
Oh! I had often joked to Adam that when he finally proposed I expected at least a two-carat marquise diamond.
“My girlfriend Alicia says she sticks it in the face of practically everyone she comes in contact with at work and squeals and giggles.”
Well, wasn’t I was just tickled pink and positively ecstatic for the dear girl!
“I asked Adam when the big day was and he said Chia wanted to marry him as soon as possible. To hear him describe it, it’s going to be the social event of the season with all his relatives flying in from Maine.”
Like Twin Rivers boasted of a social season.
“Eve, can you believe he had the nerve to ask me to be an usher?”
Could we please continue this conversation at another time? I just noticed a new mound of fire ants in the back yard and I need to welcome them to the neighborhood.
“I told him, “Hell no, I wouldn’t be an usher!” Anyway, Chia already has another man on the side, you know.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah, Chris at work. Every night when I go to the smoking booth he and Chia are whispering and getting intimately acquainted in a dark corner.”
“Evidently she isn’t afraid of being caught by Adam.”
“Not at all. She knows Adam believes every word out of her mouth, especially when spoken in the bedroom.”
“And Adam will never receive accolades for his comprehension skills, will he?”
“Nope, if he’s too stupid to see what’s right under his nose, he deserves to look like the fool she’s making him out to be. If he had one iota of common sense he would still be with you.”
“Thank you, Justin.” His words brought a slight smile to lips that had all but forgotten how to turn upward. “That was nice to hear.”
“It’s the truth. The men at work tell him how stupid he is on a daily basis for choosing her over you. His excuse is that he can’t help himself. Chia is like a drug.”
“It sounds like he might benefit from a 28 day program at Ho Anonymous.”
“It sure does.” He chuckled. “Anyway, I just thought you might feel better if you knew that Chia wasn’t being faithful to him.
“Thanks for calling, Justin. It really did help.”
He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “There is something else I guess I should tell you.”
I couldn’t think of a single thing he could say to cause more pain than I was already feeling. “Just tell me, Justin.”
“Adam and Chia’s wedding is Sunday at the Catholic Church.”
Wedding?
Adam and Chia?
No! It couldn’t be so! Breathe Eve! Just breathe! I gasped in an effort to force air into my lungs as a vision of Faith Hill singing the song flashed through my mind and I struggled to obey her. Adam couldn’t be marrying…someone else. I had convinced myself that Chia was just a heart-wrenching phase that would pass and he would soon come to his senses and realize he loved me. “Thanks for calling, Justin.” I almost strangled on the words as they fell from numb lips. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay, Eve, bye. And don’t be a stranger. Call me if you ever need to talk.”
“I will, Justin.”
I took a trembling breath, once again willing myself to carry on with this torment called life. Hanging up the phone, for the first time in many moons, I took a long hard look at what my life had become and falling back on the bed covered my flaming face with a pillow. A travesty! That’s what it was. My life was one humongous travesty. I wasn’t living each and every day to the fullest. Hell, I wasn’t living at all. I was merely existing, and struggling from one completely horrific day to the next. And I was in serious danger of sinking. No! A thousand times, no!
For crying out loud! Adam was a flesh and blood man! Not some deity with the power to dictate my moods on a daily basis! I was so much better than this mewling, sniveling creature I had evolved into over the last few months! Adam didn’t have the power to control my emotions. He wasn’t doing anything to me! I was doing it! Forget the bastard! For God’s sake! Get a f*cking life!
I hung up with Justin and immediately dialed Teri’s number. “I’ll have my suitcase packed and ready to go.” I tried to sound cheery, though the catch in my throat was a good indicator that my wound was still gaping open and spilling blood, and even to me my voice sounded an octave above normal.
“What brought on the sudden change?” I caught the sudden note of alarm in her voice.
“Nothing, I just decided to go. After all, it’s my birthday and it’s not everyday that one hits the marvelous mid century mark. Oprah swears life begins at 50.”
“You’re lying, Eve.”
The girl knew me too well.
“Cut the bullshit and just tell me what happened.”
“Sunday is Adam and Chia’s wedding day! Okay!” The dam finally burst and I sobbed uncontrollably as those seven words lodged in my throat like a sideways fish bone.
“It will be okay, honey. We’ll have a blast at the beach and you know how men hang on you the minute you walk through the door at Studebakers. Remember that one man…”
“Hush, Teri. Don’t prattle on like you need to talk me out of puncturing an artery or something. Granted, I lost it for a few minutes. But, I’m okay now, really. I just needed a good cry. I decided to go to the beach because I don’t care to be in town for the celebration. I wouldn’t want to accidentally ride by the church and see Chia in her wedding dress.” I had a heartrending vision of her in her bridal finery, posing on the steps of the church for her official bridal portrait. “She will be a stunning bride.”
“Stunned is more like it. How long do you think it will be before Adam has his first affair?”
“Not long.” I swiped at a tear as the thought almost caused me to smile for the second time in a day. I would be doing stand up comedy if the merriment continued.
Friday morning we piled into the Jeep, the only one of our vehicles with enough trunk space to hold Teri’s outrageous amount of luggage. She had one each for her designer wardrobe, designer shoes, and cosmetics and hair care products. “Must you pack like you’re leaving for an extended cruise around the world?” I snapped, trying to squeeze my one suitcase in.
“I never know which outfit I’ll want to wear, so of course I bring several to choose from.”
“Of course.”
“Then just imagine my distress if I arrived at the hotel and found that I didn’t bring a matching pair of Jimmy Choo’s for each outfit.”
“No!” I cried. “It’s simply too unfathomable to imagine!”
Then she slammed the trunk and gave me a serious go to hell look. “And drop the attitude, will you? This is supposed to be a fun weekend remember?”
“Oh, boy,” My tone dripped with sarcasm as I slid beneath the wheel. “Let’s get this party started.”
She turned around, frowned at Tammy and Mallory in the back seat and asked, “Can’t you just feel the love?”
“She’ll feel better when she’s on the floor tonight doing the Electric Slide,” Mallory quipped.
“And when thum gorgeoth hunk buyth her a drink.”
“No man is going to buy her a drink with that sour puss expression on her face.” Teri insisted. “Let alone ask her sully old ass to dance.”
“Bite me, Teri.” I had to giggle. “And who are you calling old!”
“That’s better.” She was digging in her latest Dooney and Burke bag. “Here. I brought the Sound Of Music soundtrack to sing along to.”
“Oh! But no! Not hardly. Sorry, my dear, but you have been out ranked. My car. My music.” I pushed power on the stereo and Adele’s I Set Fire To The Rain filled the car. I must admit Teri’s look of abject misery thrilled me to the core.
“I knew I should have driven my own car. It’s only fair that we each play our own music in thirty minute increments.”
“Okay, Mallory,” I mouthed to Teri.
“Hey!” Mallory complained loudly from the backseat, as neither of them particularly cared for the comparison. “I heard that and I do not whine!”
“Let’s vote on it then,” I stated democratically. “Raise your hand to cast your vote to listen to The Hills Are Alive during our two and one half hour trek to the beach.” Not even a finger twitched.
“Okay, fine!” Teri complained loudly, throwing the CD back in her purse. “There is just no accounting for taste!”
I was feeling rather smug over my small victory until she started singing, “Happy birthday to you! How old are you?”
“Remember, Teri. I don’t get mad, I get even.” Then the strangest thing happened. I actually laughed out loud for the first time in months! It felt so good! I opened the window and sunroof and Mallory, Tammy and I joined Adele and sang I set fiiiiiiiiiiire to the rain and watched it burn!
After we had driven for about an hour Teri, of the weak bladder, insisted that we stop for what she referred to as a twinkle break. “I need a Diet Pepsi and a bag of Fritos Corn Chips to snack on, anyone else want anything?”
“Yoo Hoo and Thittles.”
Teri glanced over at me with an irritated frown, exhaled a long-suffering sigh, and with that annoyed tone asked, “Okay. I know I am supposed to change the t to an s. So what exactly are Shittles?”
“No, you have to change her th to s.”
“Okay. So what in the hell are Sittles?”
“Go get the girl a Yoo Hoo and a bag of Skittles!” Tammy and Mallory were chortling and rolling in the back seat.
“Nobody bothered to inform me there was a silent K in Skittles,” she mumbled, snatching up her purse and exiting the car. Leaning her head back in the window she said, “Now that you have all had your daily dose of hilarity at my expense, would you other two heathens care for anything?”
“Diet Pepsi and a Snicker bar,” I said.
“Mountain Dew and a Zero bar,” Mallory added.
“For crying out loud, this isn’t a frigging restaurant where you all place separate orders from the menu. Just come in and pick out what you want.” As she slammed the door and was walking off in a huff, she called over her shoulder, “I should have known you cretins wouldn’t have the decency to all ask for the same thing.”
By the time we reached the beach even Teri was singing along to Rumor Has It.
We checked into the Patricia Grand Hotel choosing a suite with an ocean view. I leaned over the balcony rail, filling my lungs with salty sea air and knew this, at long last, was where I would begin the healing process. Water, sand, the sea, and plenty of nightlife surrounded me. Adam who?
“Stop ogling all the studs from afar and get your suits on so we can gaze upon their lean, mean, hard bodies up close and personal,” Teri called from the bathroom.
I turned just in time to see her stuffing, and by stuffing I mean the same way you would a turkey, her jugs into what looked to be a bathing suit top that a woman with 32B breasts would fit comfortably in. Surely she wouldn’t go out in public wearing that. . . that. . . thing. Even the most casual observer would have to notice that the top was several cup sizes too small for her. I’m sure there were indecent exposure laws here. Good grief, would she be arrested? Would parents race to shield their innocent children’s eyes when she waltzed across the sand?
Now I knew why Teri always slowly glided when she moved. I had always assumed it was just for effect, so no one would miss her abundance of beauty. Now I realized that wasn’t the case at all. She had to move slowly. If she ever moved too fast and those things got to swinging, especially unfettered as they were now, there would be hell to pay for all concerned.
Searching for any good in the situation I was happy to notice that at least her nipples were fully covered. I was extremely grateful for that small concession on her part. I glanced over at Mallory and Tammy and they were watching the X-rated fashion extravaganza with eyes bugged out and jaws dropped as well.
“What?” Teri asked and laughed uproariously. “For the love of God, you all act like you haven’t ever seen a set of tits before!”
“We haven’t. Not like those anyway,” I cried. “I think you have scarred us for life.”
“Well, get used to them. Because I didn’t come to the beach to cover these bad girls up.”
And she didn’t cover them. Not once while we were there.
Tammy, Mallory and I put on our suits and followed her to the beach. We wouldn’t have gotten any more attention if Angelina had been hotfooting it across the sand with Brad and Shiloh in tow. Every eye was on Teri who looked spectacular in her bikini, even though the entire suit could have fit into a thimble. I was in a constant state of unrest wondering when one of her boobs was going to spill out of her top resulting in chaos on the Grand Strand. Mallory looked just as curvaceous with her ghetto booty spilling out of her bottom. Tammy and I had sensibly chosen tankinis. I had given up showing my stomach years ago.
The trio took their chairs and laid them directly under the scorching sun, while I wisely placed mine under the shade of a wide rented umbrella. I fought dreaded wrinkles on a daily basis and wasn't about to lie in the sun and invite them to march in formation across my face. Not as long as Neutrogena continued to make their wonderful tanning mouse anyway. I took a deep breath of salty air and let it out slowly. This felt so good!
“Would you look at that?” Mallory almost purred as an extremely well built black man jogged down the beach with another fellow whose very next call should be to Jenny Craig. “Look at those dreads.”
“Yes, dreadful aren’t they?” Teri shuddered.
“Hell, no!” Mallory laughed, rising to jog toward them and immediately strike up an animated conversation with the contrasting duo. The girl certainly didn’t lack for confidence. With an ass like that, who would? She waved to us, and left walking between them.
We watched her laughing and flirting outrageously with the men until they were out of sight.
“I gueth we won’t be theing her again until check out time Thunday,” Tammy said with a slight tinge of jealously. “Lucky her, I don’t the a thingle Mexican.”
“Just keep watching,” Teri said. “There isn’t a town in North Carolina that hasn’t been overrun by Mexicans. Not that that’s a bad thing,” she held up her hand suddenly remembering who she was talking to. “I’m just saying that a gaggle of them will surely happen along soon.”
Then Teri turned her evil eye to me. “What about you, Eve? Any prospects?”
“Not that I can see. Just a bunch of family men,” I said to pacify her for the moment.
“I am so glad that I’m happily married and don’t have to do the whole man hunt thing.” Teri claimed, all the while peering over her Oakley’s at a handsome man splashing in the nearby surf. Teri wasn’t known for strictly adhering to her wedding vows.
“Now that is a physique!”
“Too bad you are tho happily married,” Tammy reminded her, while looking forlornly up the beach for anyone with a hint of Latino blood.
“Tell me about it,” Teri groaned while slathering her voluptuous body with oil. “But always remember, Tammy. What happens in Myrtle Beach stays in Myrtle Beach. Anyway, it’s 2:00 now. We can lie in the sun for two more hours and then we must go to the mall.”
“Whatever for?” I asked. It would require an act of Congress for me to leave this idyllic setting and enter a crowded mall.
“Why, to get an outfit for you to wear to the club tonight, of course.” She rolled her eyes as if it should be the foremost thought on all our minds. “Eve, did you bring a single ensemble that doesn’t hang on you and resemble a muumuu?”
She had a good point. “Well no, but it doesn’t matter since I am not man hunting either.”
“Yes you are! And trust me, you are going to look the part if it kills both of us! And then we are going back to the room to color your new growth.” She lowered her sunglasses and peered over the top of them with squinted eyes. “You have at least three inches of gray going on up there, Granny. How did you miss that when you passed a mirror?
“I didn’t miss it.” Stevie Wonder couldn’t miss it. “I just really could care less about my roots.”
She removed her shades and pointedly glanced at my bikini area and said, “Thank God, you took my advice and bush hogged that briar patch before you left home.”
Tammy found this extremely funny and almost fell out of her chair laughing. When she had calmed down enough to speak she said, “There ith a gift thop on the firth floor of the hotel. I thaw thum cute thundrethth in there earlier when I went to buy a Pepthi.”
“Did she say she saw some cute sundresses in a gift shop when she went to buy a Pepsi?” Teri asked, not bothering to conceal the fact that she was asking me to translate. At my nod she enthusiastically said, “I’ll be right back.” Then she was gone, with her triple D’s bouncing.
“Why doth the alwath pretend like the dothn’t underthand me?”
“That’s just Teri. And it would take far greater minds than ours to decipher hers.” I wasn’t about to tell her that even I frequently had to repeat her words over and over in my head to interpret their meaning.
Teri returned about an hour later. “I found the perfect dress and shoes for you, along with a few things for me. You will absolutely love them!” She paused to ogle a handsome father jumping in the surf with his daughter. “Come on, let’s go color your hair. It’s a good thing I brought supplies. I was afraid you would try to prance around Myrtle Beach looking like Betty White, and I was right.”
Thank God she had thought to bring hair color supplies, which I desperately needed! But, oh boy! Would I ever be a candidate for What Not to Wear with the clothes she had chosen for me? I had no doubt that the neck would be slit to my navel and the hem would fall slightly short of covering my butt cheeks. Oh well, at least my hair would be gorgeous.
We remained on the beach until 6:00, making frequent trips to the poolside bar for my all time favorite drink, Bloody Mary. By the time Mallory came sashaying back, looking flushed and satisfied, my head was spinning, I was sunburned, and my vision was slightly blurred. Tammy wasn’t feeling any pains either, so Teri drove the Jeep to the Calabash restaurant for a fabulous seafood supper.
“So spill.” Teri said to Mallory once we had filled our plates with flounder, oysters and shrimp, deviled crab and lobster from the buffet and were seated in our booth. “Did you do one or both?”
“How can you ask me something like that?” Mallory actually had the grace to blush while cracking a lobster. She dipped the succulent meat in butter and moaned in pure bliss as it touched her lips.
“I’m guessing you had plenty of practice at perfecting that moan today. Just answer the question and don’t even bother trying to play some coy debutant, because we both know you will fail miserably. Meryl Streep would have to dig deep to pull off that performance,” Teri was anxious for the juicy details and totally ignored her lobster.
Mallory threw back her head and laughed. “Both.” This she confessed with a satisfied smile. “How could I do one and not the other? You know his feelings would have been hurt.”
“Together or theparately?” Tammy inquired while sucking a raw oyster, which reminded me of nasal secretions, out of its shell with apparent relish.
“Tammy, I can’t believe you asked me that!” Mallory was deep in thought as she dug through her salad, always alert for an offending cucumber. “Do you honestly believe I would be a willing participant in a threesome?”
Teri almost choked on her unsweetened tea. “Three would just be an appetizer for you, Mallory. Just answer the damn question!”
“Fine then, if you all must live vicariously through me. We had a most entertaining threesome,” the nymphet finally admitted.
“You should have called me,” Teri deadpanned. “I could have shown you the true meaning of entertainment. Although I’m sure the heavier of the two shed copious amounts of sweat and grunted like a farm animal during his entire performance. That couldn’t have been pleasant.”
“Did either of them have any outstanding features?” I asked, knowing that Mallory was diligently searching for a man who did. For quite some time “humongous” had been her word of the day.
“Heck no, just average. At least Tyrick, the cute one, was average. I couldn’t really bring myself to look at the heavier one, naked. But he felt about average.”
Tammy and I were left speechless.
After the meal it was back to the room to shower for the club. Teri had chosen a pink, floral, cleavage revealing sundress and pink flip-flops, which looked surprisingly cute on my rail thin body. Unfortunately, the dress announced the fact that my chest was almost completely flat now.
“Honey, you either need to gain some weight or call Charlotte Plastic and schedule breast implants.” Teri was quick to point out. “Talk about fried eggs.”
“Screw you, Teri. And your milk jugs!” Though it was a thought that I had been seriously considering lately.