Chapter 28
Alice was in the midst of food preparations and alone in the kitchen when Lilly peered briefly through the back door window, then gave a quick knock. If Alice thought it was strange that she was not at home with her new husband on their first Christmas morn together, she gave no indication.
Lilly hugged her friend, then sank down at the kitchen table.
“What’s wrong?” Alice set two mugs of steaming cider on the table and waited. Lilly wet her lips, unsure of where to begin.
“Daed and Jonah are outside doing chores,” Alice prompted.
“Everything is a mess. I … I think maybe I made a mistake. That I was trying to say I’d heard God’s voice in marrying Jacob, but maybe it was just my own desire. And, I know you asked me about this before the wedding. Maybe I should have listened.”
“Did you have a fight?”
Lilly shook her head, realizing she couldn’t explain about the bed or Jacob calling Sarah’s name without feeling like she was betraying him somehow. She let her head fall into her hands.
Alice patted her arm. “Lilly, I’ve known you since we were kinner. Don’t try and second-guess yourself. You made a decision and went through with it. God doesn’t abandon us, even if it is our own plans that we’re seeking. He always takes us from where we are. I guess it just takes awhile longer sometimes, when we decide to break our own path instead of using the one He lays before us.”
Lilly lifted her head and wiped at her nose with a handkerchief she’d pulled from her sleeve. “Danki, Alice. I needed a place to run to for a few minutes.”
Alice laughed. “Run away here anytime, my friend.”
Lilly slipped back into her house like a wraith. Jacob still stood at the stove, but he looked up with a hesitant smile to greet her. “Is Alice having a gut holiday?”
“Jah. I’m sorry, Jacob, for just running out like that. I … I’ve got to check on my mamm. I’ll be down shortly.”
He tried not to watch her go up the stairs, but he couldn’t help himself. Somehow, everything was wrong and it was all his fault. He felt a pang of homesickness wash over him—homesickness for something he couldn’t describe. A sure place in the world. A true heart. He swallowed as his eyes blurred and he longed to touch Lilly, to give her comfort and wipe away all the pain his words and thoughts had caused her. He wanted to wrap her in a wedding quilt, a real wedding quilt, patterned by hands that loved and nurtured. He thought about her against the imaginary fabric, her dark hair loose and flowing—
A soft knock on the back kitchen door startled him from his thoughts and he ran a hand across his eyes and left his cooking. Surely it wasn’t a neighbor so early …
He opened the door and saw Seth and his heart filled with a rush of emotion.
“Jacob?”
His younger bruder’s eyes were deeply shadowed and he stood as though he carried an impossible weight on the breadth of his shoulders, wringing the circle of his hat through his hands.
“Seth, come in.”
“I … can’t. I’ve been such an idiot and I wanted you to know how sorry I am. I hurt you—and Lilly. I’ve been up all night, praying. I don’t know. Maybe I was jealous because you had someone wonderful, and I didn’t think you were treating her right. Maybe I thought your marriage would come between us. I’ve tried to figure it all different ways.” He drew a shuddering breath. “Anyway, that’s all. I wanted you to know.” He turned as if to go and Jacob caught him by the shoulder.
“Come in here, little bruder.” Jacob struggled to keep his voice from shaking.
Jacob caught Seth in a strong hug, squeezing him until he heard his back crack. Then he laughed, yanking his brother’s cold coat sleeve.
Seth entered with his head down and Jacob closed the door behind him.
“Lilly’s upstairs with her mamm. Look, I could have wrung your neck when I saw you with her, but you made me aware of something I think. I was so mad. I don’t get that mad if I don’t care, Seth.” He lowered his voice and met Seth’s anguished but hopeful blue eyes.
“Nee, you don’t.”
“So you’re not in love with her?”
“I love her because she’s yours, Jacob, but I’m not in love with her. And I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me. I don’t even think I know what real love is anyway.”
Jacob smiled. “Someday you will. And then—I owe your wife a hug.”
Seth punched his bruder on the arm, then returned the embrace that made the world right once more between them.