Chapter Two
As stupid rash decisions went this one ranked up there with the time she’d climbed on the back of a mechanical bull on a twenty dollar bet and nearly lost her teeth.
But the surprise on Jed Dillon’s face made it one hundred percent worth it.
“You’re going to church with Mackenzie tomorrow?”
“Sure am.”
“Well, alrighty then,” he said, shooting his daughter a wink. And for a second Clarissa wondered if she’d been played, but she didn’t have time to think about it long because Mackenzie launched herself into Clarissa’s arms in a huge hug.
“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, Clarissa. You’re going to give me 100 points, and the girls’ll beat the boys, and I think Pastor West will let me play the drums maybe if I ask real nice.”
Then she scrambled away and threw her arms around her daddy’s legs. “You were right, Daddy. Clarissa does need a friend to take her to church, and that’s me.”
Bev sprayed whipped cream on top of the float and started to hand it forward, but Jed stopped her. “No can do, Bev. Mack took off without waiting. She’s got to suffer the consequence for that.”
Mackenzie’s lower lip quivered and she stomped her left foot. “But, Daddy, Clarissa is my best friend and she needed me. Her soul needed me.”
“No way, Champ.”
The scowl on the little girl’s face spoke volumes. Clarissa understood because she was thinking the same thing. Jed Dillon was way too tough on the imp.
But what did she know about parenting anyway?
Bev shrugged but took the two crisp dollar bills from the register and handed them back to Mackenzie. “Maybe next time, huh, Sugar?”
A tear rolled down the little girl’s tiny face as she took the money, carefully folded it and gave it back to her father.
Awkward silence fell in the diner, and Clarissa tried to think of a way to wiggle out of the deal. She couldn’t do it, though. Mackenzie’s tears and disappointment over the float were just too much.
“I guess we’ll see you tomorrow,” Jed said, his blue eyes smiling at her, as if he weren’t in the middle of ruining his daughter’s day.
His words made the enormity of her agreement sink in. She was going to church with a strange man and his child. Church. The last place in the world someone like her belonged.
But no way could she back down. Not when the girls were going to win and Mackenzie would get to play the drums. Maybe.
“Sure will,” she said.
“Classic con,” Bev said as the door closed on the two, leaving them alone in the diner again, and Clarissa couldn’t believe the irony. She was the last person who should fall for a con.
“Yeah, I got that. At least part of it.”
Remembering Mackenzie’s hug, Clarissa found she didn’t really mind so much.
*****
Sunday morning Jed pulled the truck up in front of Pete’s garage apartment and said a quick prayer for guidance and patience.
“Can I go an’ get her, Daddy?” Mack’s feet kicked back and forth on the booster in the back seat. “I invited her. Can I?”
He thought about letting his daughter go alone, dismissed the idea and walked with her to Clarissa’s door where a battered welcome sign hung lopsided under an ancient looking porch light.
He resisted the urge to straighten the sign as Mack knocked softly three times, biting her bottom lip as she did so.
When Clarissa answered the door, her appearance was like a kick to his gut.
Her blonde hair fell across her shoulders in curls that looked natural. Light makeup accentuated her large eyes. A crisp white shirt, jeans and boots shouldn’t be enticing, but they were. At least they were on her. Plus, she smelled good. Like a combination of vanilla and summer grass.
“You look pretty, Clarissa. Are you ready to go?” Mack held out her hand, and Jed wondered what was going through the strange woman’s mind when she paused. At her hesitation, alarm bells blared, but before he could pull Mackenzie back, protect her from someone so unsure of even that simple touch, Clarissa made peace with whatever was holding her back.
The minute Clarissa let his daughter take her hand, Mackenzie was off.
“You probably can’t come to Sunday School with me cuz Miss Topkins says we have to go to the class that matches our grade, but you gotta at least come see my room so I can get my points for bringin’ you. An’ when you get there I’ll give you a Jesus is in my heart sticker. You gotta’ go with daddy to his class. It’s fun, but they don’t get snacks like we do. I’ll save you a ‘Nilla Wafer if that’s what we have, but I can‘t save you Kool-Aid cuz it’s too messy. Stay away from Milton and Johnny the twins cuz they don’t like girls and they’ll try to pull your hair. I like your hair all wavy like that. You kinda look like an angel and that’s a good thing since we’re going to church and angels live there. Do you wanna see my toe? I hurt it and the nail’s fallin’ off. It’s awesome.”
Worry aside, Jed almost laughed at the shell shocked look on Clarissa’s face, especially when Mack actually stuck her sandaled toe up for inspection.
“Hey, Mack, breathe chick-a-dee,” he said, but he appreciated the way Clarissa gently held Mack’s ankle and examined the hurt toe thoroughly before shuddering appreciatively at the injury Mack was so proud of.
“I am breathing, Daddy. If I wasn’t breathing I’d be dead. Hey Clarissa, are you taking a break or sticking around cuz my momma took a break and she’s been gone a super long time.”
That hurt. The rest of Mack’s words blended together into a long strand of nonsense. Who’d told her that semi-truth anyway? Was it really so much a part of her life that she could throw it out there in the middle of talks about toenails and angels and Clarissa’s hair?
Jed saw the speculation in Clarissa’s eyes as she glanced at him while Mackenzie kept right on talking, and he tried to hide the hurt. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed or ashamed, but he was caught off guard by Mack’s flippancy.
“Mack, seriously. Chill pill time. You’ve got to quit talking for a minute.” He pulled into the church parking lot, wishing he could quiz her now, ask her where she’d heard stories about her momma taking breaks.
“‘’Kay, Daddy. Will you tell me when a minute’s up,” she said, then slapped her hands over her mouth and closed her eyes and concentrated on being super dee duper still, which made Jed feel like a class-A jerk and a rotten father.
This time the look he saw in Clarissa’s eyes was a mix of laughter and concern. But she didn’t comment on it, and he was thankful for that.
When the three of them walked into church together, he hoped Clarissa wasn’t feeling as conspicuous as he was.
When they finally made their way to the Sunday School class, Mack was back in high form, talking twenty million miles a minute. And for someone who had reluctantly taken his daughter’s hand at first, Jed was impressed at how closely Clarissa listened to her, answered her, made Mack feel important and special, something he tried his best to do but failed at often.
“Miss Topkins, this is my new best friend, Clarissa. She came today so the girls could get 100 points, but she’s got to go to class with daddy cuz she’s way older than five.”
Mack’s Sunday School teacher introduced herself to Clarissa and thanked her for being there, said a quick hello to him then turned to take control of a room full of kindergartners.
Time for things to get real uncomfortable. At least that’s what Jed figured.
He started to move back to the hall leading to the sanctuary when Mack called Clarissa.
“Hey, Clarissa. Come closer.”
Clarissa, so far completely game for Mack’s antics, bent over close enough for Mack to put her hands on each side of her face and say, “You’re a good best friend. See you in a little bit. And don’t be afraid, ‘kay? No one’s mean here.”
How had a five-year-old little girl known she was afraid?
Clarissa marveled at the insight, the almost unreal ability of Mackenzie to zero in on her emotions. Strange.
And now she was alone with that little girl’s father, and everyone would think they were dating because they were at church together and this was so not a date, not a date, not, not, not.
Although, she had to admit, he looked good. Too good. The kind of good that led to trouble. His dark hair needed a cut, but the length looked nice on him. He’d left his hat in the truck. His robin’s egg blue shirt was starched. His jeans pressed. And he smelled entirely too enticing.
“Thanks for coming with her today,” he said. “It means a lot.”
“She’s pretty special,” Clarissa said, wishing she hadn’t ruined the effect of the words by practically coughing at first.
“You’ll have to excuse her talking so much. She’s just excited you’re here.”
Give her a break, dude. She’s a kid. “I don’t mind. It’s funny. And cute.”
“Tell that to her teachers,” Jed said then he waved away his own words. “They’ve got their hands full. A hyperactive kid who’s already read all their books and is bored to tears can’t be easy.”
Are you taking a break, cuz my momma took a break and...
Mackenzie’s words pingponged around in Clarissa’s brain. Her momma had taken a few breaks over the years—of course, that turned out to be a blessing. Her heart softened a little more and she felt herself falling and then she slid right on in to crazy.
“Bev was saying something about you needing a sitter next week.”
“Hmmm,” he said acknowledging her comment but not really taking her up on the obvious suggestion. She was nuts for volunteering, but no way was he going to just toss the offer away.
“I’m not a serial killer or anything. And we’d just hang out at Pete’s and color or something.”
“You don’t just color or something with Mack,” he said, and for the life of her Clarissa couldn’t figure out what she’d done to upset him, but she couldn’t really get into that since they were standing outside the door to a Sunday School class, and it was time to find out if Mackenzie was right and people weren’t mean here or if this would be one more replay of past church experiences.
They weren’t mean. In fact, most people recognized her from Pete’s and welcomed her unequivocally. Of course, there were plenty of speculative glances at the two of them together, but she took care of that by repeating Mackenzie’s oft quoted explanation of “Mackenzie invited me so she could get 100 points and beat the boys,” and that always ended in a knowing nod and smile followed by “smart girl,” “precious,” or “she’s a handful, but she sure is a sweetie.”
Jed stiffened at the last one almost imperceptibly, and Clarissa felt her heart go out to him even though he was way too tough on his daughter and somewhat of a jerk for assuming she couldn’t handle a couple hours alone with his kid.
After church ended, they picked Mackenzie up and she told them she was marrying one of the twins one day and then yawned great big and promptly fell asleep in the truck on the way back to Pete’s. Clarissa worried at the hem on her shirt sleeve before finally saying what she’d been thinking for hours instead of listening to the Sunday School leader or the preacher.
“She’d be fine with me. We wouldn’t even have to leave the restaurant if that would make you feel better.” As she said the words, she asked herself why it mattered, why it was so important. It was his problem. Not hers. Getting involved was a colossal bad idea. And his reluctance was her out. She should let this go.
“If you kept her cooped up in Pete’s for two hours after school he’d fire you and possibly kill Mack.”
At least his reluctance was tempered with humor this time. Humor didn’t make her feel so bad.
“You do know he’s a total sweetheart, right?”
He just hmm’d again, something he was a little too expert at.
“I could get her to help fill the salt and pepper shakers. She’d have a blast. And if we needed something else to do, we’d move on to sugar. And if we ran out of sugar, she could wash tables. Come on. She’ll be fine. And Bev totally loves her.”
He acknowledged that truth with a small nod then finally shrugged, giving in to the obvious solution to his problem. “I guess we can give it a try. But if you want out after day one, you say the word, and I can make after-care arrangements.”
With the teachers whose hands were full. Clarissa didn’t know this for a fact, but it seemed to her that some people classified Mackenzie’s spirit as something that needed to be tamped down. Once upon a time, she’d had spirit like that.
“We’ll be fine,” she said with more surety than she felt.
*****
Clarissa handed Mackenzie an anti-bacteria wipe and showed her how to wipe down the tables at the same time she looked at the clock above the register. She wasn’t sure this was going to take the whole time after all. She swallowed a bit of panic and tried to focus on Mackenzie’s new story.
“There was this mermaid named Lemmalu an’ she loved plums. This story’s in the bible, Clarissa, so pay attention and you’ll learn a memory verse, too.”
“Lemmalu the Mermaid is the bible?” Clarissa laughed at Mackenzie’s active imagination.
“Yes. And Lemmalu’s momma went on a break to Las Vegas.”
Danger zone. Clarissa wondered if she should redirect the story, but Mackenzie kept right on going.
“And her daddy had a seaweed farm. Hey, Clarissa, guess what!”
“You want purple hair.”
“No, silly,” Mackenzie giggled. “This boy named Mi Nguyen brought seaweed sticks for us to eat one day. They looked like green Fruit Roll-Ups but they tasted like grass. I still said thank you, but seaweed is gross. Do you want me to get Mi to bring you a seaweed?”
The bell over the diner door jingled and Jed strolled in saving Clarissa from having to answer that question.
Well, that was interesting.
Mackenzie was standing on one of the red booth benches twirling a wash cloth in circles above her head talking about seaweed while a tired looking Clarissa used a bottle filled with clear liquid to spray the tables.
The bell over the door served as his calling card, and Mackenzie turned toward him with her big smile that reminded him of all the good things in life.
“Daddy!” She jumped down and ran to him wrapping her little arms around his legs until he pulled her up for a giant bear hug.
He owed Clarissa big time for this.
“I got to read today, Daddy. And I didn’t get no sticks pulled. I got to put a star by my name.”
Good day.
Clarissa wiped her hands on her jeans. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail. Her face looked a little whiter than it had yesterday.
“You feeling okay?”
“Yep.” Her small chuckle sounded like she was feeling anything but. He wondered if she had anyone to help her if she was sick. Or anyone to talk to if she needed help.
“I don’t think there’s a way I can repay you for helping me today. We were able to get the first trees out today. Should be done tomorrow. Can we at least make you dinner?”
Mack pushed back until he put her on the floor. “I can help Daddy make Mac’roni ‘n cheese and fish sticks and I can show you my room and my tree house and Flower and Blue.”
The wistful look on Clarissa’s face said she wanted to say yes. But she shook her head. “Can’t tonight. Work. Speaking of, I better go get ready.”
Guilt speared through him at how tired she sounded. He started to suggest after-care for tomorrow instead, but she jumped up and disappeared so fast he wondered if he’d done something to offend her.
Mackenzie’s worried words echoed his thoughts.
“We better stay here, Daddy. I don’t think Clarissa got to say goodbye.”
Mackenzie was right. They couldn’t just leave Clarissa alone.
Clarissa leaned against her kitchen counter and tried to stop her heart from hurting.
How had she let this happen?
How had she let herself get so wrapped up with a five-year-old kid? Seeing Mackenzie in Jed’s arms, love so obvious, was suddenly killing her.
She’d spent years without close relationships, told herself it was the only way to protect her heart. So how come she hurt so bad now?
She wiped away a tear angrily. She hadn’t cried in years. This was ridiculous.
A knock on the apartment door startled her, but then she heard Mackenzie’s loud whisper.
“Do you think she’s here, Daddy? She might be taking a break.”
Oh God, help. The prayer slipped before Clarissa could stop it. Even though she knew the truth. God couldn’t or wouldn’t help this. Mackenzie’s mom had bailed. And nothing God did was going to make it better. She could, though. No way was she going to let the little girl think she was on a “break.”
She took a deep breath and opened the door.
“Hey, you guys. Surprise.” Making her voice sound as normal as possible, she opened the door wider, invited them in to the dark little space. “Sorry about taking off so fast. I’m going to run go get ready for work. You go ahead make yourselves at home. I’ll be out in a minute.”
She escaped into the bathroom and heard Jed call through the door. “We were just worried about you. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”
Just peachy. Powering through and powering on. That was her motto. “I’m good. Just in a hurry.”
She stuffed her shirt in her pants, grabbed her apron and wished she’d left Jed and Mackenzie outside the apartment while she was getting ready. She’d already let the little girl in her heart. Her space needed to be off limits.
Slipping her Crocs on, she walked into the living room where Jed and Mackenzie were sitting on the ugly green couch, still in the dark because she hadn’t flipped on the one light.
She reached over, turned the knob and practically groaned when it didn’t work. Light bulbs were on her list to pick up next payday.
“I should’ve said goodbye at the diner. Mackenzie and I had a lot of fun, didn’t we?” She turned to the little girl, and tried not to worry about how dizzy she suddenly felt. “Did you show your dad what all we did?” she asked even though she knew the answer. They must’ve practically followed her out of the restaurant.
“I told him about it. Hey, Clarissa, where’s your pictures and stuff?”
No pictures, no stuff. Not in a long time. She shrugged. “Don’t have any yet because I’m new in town.” No sense saying it wasn’t worth getting stuff since she wouldn’t be in Stearns long.
Mack frowned. “I’m gonna color you a picture tonight. An’ tomorrow you can put it up in that place by your door with the hole in the wall.
Terrific. The ache in her throat grew ten times larger.
“You do that, Mackenzie. I’ll put it right there,” she pointed to the shadowed place on the wall where someone had obviously had a photo hanging in the past at the same time she tried to ignore the worry in Jed’s eyes.
Finally, she decided to just face that look head on. “It’s fine, I’m fine, it’ll all be okay.” Then she slapped her hands on her thighs and stood up. “Thank you for checking on me. But now, I’ve got to get to work.”
If things had gone as planned, she would’ve been fine.
Instead, when she stood up, the world around Clarissa started spinning and then went dark.
Jed moved as quickly as he ever had when Clarissa’s body started to crumple. He’d known something was wrong, but he’d ignored all good sense and let her convince him everything was okay.
Her pulse was strong under his fingertips, but man, her face was white. Obviously, something was very wrong here.
“Mack, grab my phone and call Bev now.”
Mack pulled the phone out of his shirt pocket and hit the numbers then held the phone to him when Bev answered.
A few seconds later Bev was barreling her way up the creaky stairs. It wouldn’t take long and Clarissa’s little apartment was going to be full to overflowing.
Before Bev made it in the door, Clarissa’s eyes fluttered open and she looked at him and Mack with a combination of horror and embarrassment.
“What on earth?” the words started, but something different flickered in her blue eyes before she closed them with a muttered, “oh great.” Then they snapped open and she started trying to push herself up.
“I’m fine, I’m fine, just…” Sitting up too quickly, she blinked then blew out a deep breath. “Really, I’ll be okay.”
And then Bev was there and Mack was crying, and he stepped back even though he didn’t want to because right now he had to be the dad and not the concerned friend.
“It’s okay, sweetie. She’s fine. See,” he said turning to Mack.
Clarissa repeated his words, but he saw Mack’s tears were upsetting Clarissa as much as anything else.
Holding out her hand, Clarissa asked for help standing. Jed could tell asking for help wasn’t easy for her, but she had more color in her face, and at least she was acknowledging the fact that getting up on her own wasn’t going to be easy.
“I’ll go tell Pete he needs to call in someone to cover,” Bev said, but Clarissa shook her head. “I’ll be fine. Just give me a second.”
Only everyone in the room could tell that wasn’t true.
“You need to see a doctor,” he said, even though he could tell she wasn’t interested in his opinions.
“Doctors cost money, and...” she trailed off instead of finishing the thought when she looked up at him. “I’ll go tomorrow.”
“He’ll give you sticker if you’re good,” Mack said, inching closer to Clarissa and patting her knee, comforting her new friend.
Clarissa smiled down at his daughter then opened her arms for the hug Mackenzie so desperately wanted to give. His little girl was no dummy, and Clarissa’s body language screamed “keep off”. The minute her arms opened, though, Mack, dove in and hugged her tight, and Clarissa returned the hug, if somewhat awkwardly.
Warning alarms warred with concern.
“Look,” he said, “I’m no medical expert on fainting, but you need to go to the doctor sooner rather than later.”
“I think I just need some food,” Clarissa said as Mack wriggled back and plopped to the floor. “I forgot to eat lunch. I bet my blood sugar’s all messed up.”
Her shaking hands gave proof to that theory, but it didn’t make him feel any better.
“I’ll go get you a sandwich and be right back,” Bev said, stepping out the door and leaving them alone together again in the small, dark apartment that didn’t really tell him anything about this woman who might be sick, who had formed a bond with his daughter. A bond that could hurt Mack.
He made up his mind then. She was going to see Doc Anson now, and they’d stay with her to make sure she was okay. But tomorrow, his daughter was going to after-care.
Clarissa decided arguing with Jed about when to go to the doctor was pointless. He wasn’t budging. And he threatened to send Mackenzie to Bev’s while he stayed at her apartment all night to make sure she was okay, if that’s what it took.
The Stearns doctor didn’t have a problem when she showed up without an appointment. His house served as an office as well. His wife, the nurse. What once had been a living area had been turned into a waiting room with toys on one side and magazines on the other. Kleenex boxes sat strategically on tables around the room, and a wheelchair sat by the front door.
Literature on healthy living, depression and childhood immunizations sat on the tables placed for those who needed something to read.
“Clarissa,” the doctor’s wife called her name. The woman reminded Clarissa of Mrs. Clause. The twinkle in her eye spoke of a love of life. When Jed stood to go back with her, the woman shook her head and patted his arm. “You go ahead and stay out here, Jed. I’ll call you back if you’re needed.”
Clarissa wanted to laugh at the disgruntled look on Jed’s face, but laughing would make her head hurt worse.
The room she was shown to was homey and sweet with pictures of past patients, cross stitch patterns and positive messages on the wall. Nothing like the sterile rooms she associated with doctor’s offices.
With his white hair and beard Doc Anson looked like a cross between Willie Nelson and Dumbledore. Nothing like any doctor she’d ever met, and she’d seen plenty over the years.
Clarissa sat on the table and answered his normal doctor type questions as he felt the glands in her throat, listened to her heart and made her breathe deep.
Then he reached in the closet and pulled out a packet of peanut butter crackers and handed them over.
“You need to eat more, young lady, or you’re going to make yourself more than a little sick. I imagine you know about that.”
She didn’t like to remember, but he was right.
“I’ve been hypoglycemic my whole life,” she admitted, trying not to remember how the sickness had been used.
The rest of the visit went as she’d expected. She needed to eat right and get some rest. Doc Anson wanted her to try natural sleep remedies first. If they didn’t work, he’d give her pharmaceuticals.
Clarissa didn’t bother telling him she’d been running on empty for years or that pills were out of the question.
When she tried to pay her bill, Doc Anson’s wife told her it was all taken care of, and then patted her hand like she was five years old, which should have ticked her off but only made her thankful.
She told herself that was because no doctor’s bill meant getting out of Stearns faster. But then she saw someone had dropped Mackenzie off and the little girl was there kicking her feet back and forth on the seat next to Jed, and the thought of leaving made her heart hurt.
Jed saw her first and stood, a questioning reluctance in his eyes.
“You going to be okay?” he asked, and she could tell asking wasn’t his forte, but he was giving her that since she was here at his insistence.
“Just need to eat more, sleep more. No big deal.” She shrugged and tried not to feel awkward. She’d been fending for herself for so long, she’d forgotten what it was like to have someone care.
“You can eat Mac’roni and cheese with us,” Mackenzie said, and Clarissa smiled and held up the package of peanut butter crackers Doc Anson had given her.
“I’m good for now.” She’d eaten her fill of macaroni and cheese over the years and not even Mackenzie could make her want the slimy pasta dish.
“We’ll take you home,” Jed said, even though the apartment was barely two blocks away. Her legs were still a little shaky, though, so she accepted his offer.
“I appreciate it. And I appreciate you waiting for me, and paying the bill. I’ll pay you back…”
“Wouldn’t hear of it,” he said. “We’ll call it even since you took care of Mack today.”
Somehow she didn’t think that worked out to even. But she needed the money to move on, so she agreed.
Mackenzie took her hand, and Clarissa told her heart to quit breaking, or to at least wait until she was alone.
Jed’s worried frown said she wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding her emotions.
“Really, I’ll be fine.”
He helped her into the truck, then buckled Mackenzie into her booster in the back seat. When he turned on the radio Mackenzie said “Oh I love this one,” and then started singing about daddies along with the artist.
“I’m sure this isn’t how you planned on spending your evening…” she started, but he waved away her words.
“Not a problem.”
Mackenzie sang louder, and Clarissa knew what she had to do.
“I don’t think I better watch her tomorrow.”
Jed looked relieved at her words, which made her stomach hurt.
“That’s wise, considering.”
“I hate to disappoint her. Today was fun.”
“She’ll understand,” he said.
Clarissa knew he was right. Mackenzie was a bright child.
When they pulled in front of her apartment, Bev hurried out of the diner to meet them. And this time, when Clarissa told Jed she could make it up the stairs to her apartment without his help since Bev was there, he let her go.
*****
The next afternoon Clarissa had just unfolded her map of Oklahoma to figure out where to head to next when a small knock on the door startled her.
She refolded the map, stuck it under the dangers of hypoglycemia literature Doc Anson had insisted she take and opened the door.
Mack stood there, a stubborn frown on her face.
“I brought you this,” she said holding out a picture of a mermaid. “And I ran away. Can I stay with you now?”