Dog Days
Pepper, Spot, and Leopold
were sent by God, so I’ve been told,
in hopes we might all comprehend
that every dog is man’s best friend.
Hail hyperactive Myrtle,
owned by folks who are infertile.
Her owners boast as she runs wild,
“She’s not a spaniel, she’s our child!”
Hercules, a Pekingese,
was taken in and dipped for fleas.
Insecticide got in his eyes.
Now he’ll be blind until he dies.
Rags, the Shatwells’ Irish setter,
doubles as a paper shredder.
His lunch was bills and last year’s taxes,
followed by a dozen faxes.
Petunia May they say was struck
chasing down a garbage truck.
A former purebred Boston terrier,
her family’s wond’ring where to bury her.
Most every ev’ning Goldilocks
snacks from Kitty’s litter box.
Then on command she gives her missus
lots of little doggy kisses.
The Deavers’ errant pit bull, Cass,
bit the postman on the ass.
Her lower teeth destroyed his sphincter.
Now his walk’s a bit distincter.
Bitches loved the pug Orestes
till the vet snipped off his testes.
Left with only anal glands,
he’s now reduced to shaking hands.
Dachshund Skip from Winnipeg
loves to hump his master’s leg.
Every time he gets it up, he
stains Bill’s calves with unborn puppy.
A naughty Saint Bernard named Don
finds Polly’s Kotex in the john.
He holds the blood steak in his jaws
and mourns her coming menopause.
A summer day and shar-pei Boris
sits inside a parked Ford Taurus.
He yaps until his throat is sore,
then pants awhile and yaps some more.
An average day and poor Raquel’s
being shot with cancer cells.
Among her friends she likes to crab
that she’s a pointer, not a Lab.
Each night old Bowser licks his balls,
then falls asleep till nature calls.
He poops a stool, then, though it’s heinous,
bends back down and licks his anus.
About the Author
David Sedaris is the author of the books Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Holidays on Ice, Naked, and Barrel Fever. He is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and BBC Radio 4. He lives in England.
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