“That’s what I regret.”
“You can’t regret that,” she said, nearly laughing. “How can you regret never having found true love? That’s like saying you regret not being born a genius. People don’t have control over such things. It either happens or it doesn’t. It’s a gift—a present that most never get. It’s more like a miracle, really, when you think of it. I mean, first you have to find that person, and then you have to get to know them to realize just what they mean to you—that right there is ridiculously difficult. Then…” She paused a moment, looking far away. “Then that person has to feel the same way about you. It’s like searching for a specific snowflake, and even if you manage to find it, that’s not good enough. You still have to find its matching pair. What are the odds? Hilfred found it, I think. He loved me.”
“Did you love him?”
“Yes, but not the way he wanted me to. Not the way he loved me. I wish I had. I feel I should have. It was the same with Emery. I actually feel guilty that I didn’t. Maybe with time I could have loved Emery, but I hardly knew him.”
“And Hilfred?”
“I don’t know. He was more like a brother to me, I suppose. I wanted to make him happy, the way I wanted to see Alric happy. But you see, that’s just what I’m talking about. Most people never come near their true love, or if they do, it’s one sided. That is perhaps more tragic than never finding love at all. To know joy lies forever just beyond your reach—in a way, it’s a kind of torture. So you see, if you don’t have control, if it’s not a choice, then not finding the one you love is really nothing to regret, is it?”
“Well, that’s just the thing. I did find her and I never told her how I feel.”
“Oh—that is awful,” she said, then caught herself and raised a hand to cover her mouth. “I’m so sorry. That was terrible of me. No wonder I was such a lousy ambassador. I’m just the embodiment of tact, aren’t I? Here your—Oh!” she suddenly exclaimed as a look of revelation came over her face. “I know who she is.”
Hadrian suddenly felt very warm; his skin prickled uncomfortably under his shirt.
“She’s very pretty, by the way.”
“Ah—” Hadrian stared at her, confused.
“Her name isn’t actually Emerald, is it? I heard someone call her that.”
“Emerald? You think I’m talking about—”
“Aren’t you?” She appeared embarrassed and cautiously said, “I saw her kissing you when we left.”
Hadrian chuckled. “Her real name is Falina and she is a nice girl, but no, I’m not speaking of her. No, the woman I’m talking about is nothing like her.”
“Oh,” the princess said softly. “So why have you never told her how you feel?”
“I have a list somewhere.” He patted his shirt with his hands, trying to be funny, but he just felt stupid.
She smiled at him. He liked seeing her smile.
“No really—why?”
“I’m not kidding. I really do have a list. It’s just not written down. I keep adding items to it. There’s so many reasons on it now.”
“Give me a few.”
“Well, the big one is that she’s noble.”
“Oh, I see,” she said gravely, “but that’s not impossible. It depends on the girl, of course, but noble ladies have married common men before. It’s not unheard of.”
“Rich merchants, perhaps, but how many ladies do you know of that ran off with a common thief?”
“You’re hardly a common thief,” she chided him sternly. “But I suppose I can see your point. You’re right that there aren’t many noblewomen who could see past both a common background and a disreputable career. Lenare Lanaklin, for one—it’s not her, is it?” She cringed slightly.
“No, it’s not Lenare.”
“Oh, good.” She sighed, pretending to wipe sweat from her brow. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Lenare like a sister, but she’s not right for you.”
“I know.”
“Still, some women, even noblewomen, can be attracted to outlaws. They hear tales of daring and they can get swept away by the intrigue—I’ve seen it.”
“But what about obligations? Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t turn her back on her responsibilities. There are titles and land holdings at stake.”
“Another good point.”
“Is that what kept you from getting married?” he asked.
“Me? Oh dear Maribor, no.” She smiled bitterly. “I’m sure Alric wanted to marry me off to a number of prominent allies for that very reason. If my father hadn’t been killed, I’m sure I would be married to Prince Rudolf of Alburn right now.” She shivered dramatically for effect. “Thankfully, Alric was a kind man—I never would have expected it from him when we were younger, but he never would force me. I don’t know of too many others who would have done the same.”