Chapter SEVENTY-SIX
I awoke a little before eight the next morning, Friday. I showered, shaved, dressed, and drove to the Blue Dolphin. I sat at the end of the counter and read the morning newspaper. I finished off three eggs, bacon, grits, toast, two cups of coffee, and two Tylenol. I was starting to feel a little better. Damn beer.
I walked to my car and called J.D. I didn’t like the way she’d left my house the day before. I’d square it with her somehow. The phone rang twice and a computer-generated voice said, “I’m sorry, but that number has been disconnected at the customer’s request.”
I looked at my phone. I’d used the speed dial feature. J.D.’s number was two, right after the number one with the preprogrammed voice mail. I tried again. Got the same message.
I drove the block to the police station, parked, and went into the reception area. Iva was behind the desk. “Morning, Matt,” she said.
“Good morning, beautiful,” I said, sounding a lot more cheerful than I felt. “Is J.D. in?”
“No, but the chief wants to see you. Said if you dropped by to send you back.”
She buzzed me through the door leading to the back of the station. I walked down the corridor and stopped at Chief Bill Lester’s office. He looked up and said, “Come on in, Matt.”
“What’s up, Bill?”
“J.D.’s gone.”
“Gone?”
“Afraid so.”
“What do you mean, gone?”
“She left the police department and the island.” He handed me an envelope. “She said to give you this. Said you’d be here as soon as you realized her phone was no longer working.”
I was stunned. J.D. gone? “Gone where? When?”
“She left last night after she turned in all the paperwork from the murders. Came by my house to turn in her resignation. I talked her out of that. Told her she could have a leave of absence, but only until the end of the year.”
“Where did she go, Bill?”
“I don’t know. She wouldn’t say. Said she had a lot of thinking to do about her future. Maybe she said something in the letter.”
“She brought this to your house?”
“No. As she was leaving my house, she said she was going to write you a note and leave it on my desk last night. I found it when I came in this morning.”
I looked at the envelope. My name was written across the front of it in her neat and very recognizable handwriting, each cursive letter perfectly formed. Above my name were block letters spelling out “PERSONAL.”
“Did she give you any reason for leaving, Bill?”
“Nothing, other than that she had to do some thinking.”
“She’s had a bad time of it the last couple of weeks,” I said. “And Mariah Fuentes is still out there, probably still trying to kill J.D.”
“Mariah didn’t run her off. She’s got more guts than that.”
“I know. Maybe too much in the way of guts. But these last two weeks have taken their toll.”
“Did she say anything to you?” Bill asked. “Anything that would lead you to believe she would just up and leave?”
“Nothing. I know she’s been a little bored lately and had even been thinking about going back to Miami. But I thought she just had a little case of island fever and she’d get over it.”
“Apparently, she didn’t.”
“You’ve got a small force, Bill. How are you going to handle her absence?”
“I’m going to use Steve Carey as our ‘sort of’ detective and Bob Snead said he’d come in if I needed help on the patrol side.” Snead had recently retired from the force and lived in the village.
“Matt, I know she’s a lot more than just a friend to you. But give her some space. Don’t go looking for her.”
“I won’t try to find her, but if you hear from her, tell her I’d appreciate a phone call.”
“I’ll do it, Matt. Call me if you need somebody to drink beer with.”
I nodded, and left the station.
I drove to Coquina Beach at the southern tip of Anna Maria Island. I sat on the sand and watched the sea wash shyly onto the beach, little ripples of turquoise water that was the Gulf of Mexico’s idea of surf. I felt very alone. My lawyer brain told me that I had to talk to J.D., argue with her, point out the weaknesses in her resolve to leave, if that’s what it was. I would tell her more about my feelings for her, bare my shriveled soul, even beg her to stay.
But the more rational side of my brain told me that was a fool’s errand. J.D. had to work it out for herself. If she were to stay on the island, it had to be her decision. If she wanted me in her life as more than a friend, she had to make that choice. My life was on Longboat Key. She would only become part of that life if she were ready to commit to living on the island.
I wasn’t making a choice between J.D. and Longboat Key. And I didn’t think J.D. should try to make a decision between me and Miami. Love of a good woman was part of life, but so were so many other parts to it. If I chose to leave my life on Longboat and try to build another one solely on love, I would fail and the love would die.
I pulled the letter out of my pocket, read the envelope again, put it on my lap, and watched the sea. The beach was filling with families spending the day together, children romping in the surf, dads cooking on grills, moms calling to the children to stay in the shallows.
I thought about the elderly waitress in the dim little restaurant near the safe house in Miami and wondered what she was doing. Life could turn into a lonely existence without warning. One day you are surrounded by the people you love and the next day they’re gone.
I mentally kicked myself. I’m not above self-pity, but that is one of several of my traits that I despise. I opened the letter. It was in her handwriting and as I read, I could hear her voice.
Dear Matt,
Please try not to be angry with me. I know I’m running away and I know that I’m causing you some pain by doing so. But, I’m leaving because I’m afraid I’ll cause you more pain by staying.
I tendered my resignation to Bill Lester earlier this evening, and he asked why I wanted to leave. All I could tell him was that I needed to do some thinking about where my life is headed. He suggested that I use some vacation time and the sick leave I’m entitled to from the stabbing and he would grant me a leave of absence for the rest of the time. He gave me until the end of this year to make a decision as to whether I wanted to keep my job. So I have a deadline, and that’s good. It does tend to focus one’s thoughts.
I’m not sure where I’m going, but I have some money saved and I’ll be able to take care of myself for the time I have, and then some. Please don’t try to find me. Give me the gift of time to sort all this out.
I love you, Matt. There, I’ve said it. Does that change things for us? It shouldn’t. I have to make my decisions on the terms I set, and the question of whether your feelings are as deep as mine isn’t a part of the equation. But, my feelings for you, well, they color everything, don’t they?
I am deeply troubled by Jock’s disclosures of earlier today. It upsets my entire belief system about justice and what I do every day when I put on the badge. Jock is your family, and if our relationship ripens, he will become part of my family. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle that. I’m trying to convince myself that Jock’s a soldier, doing what soldiers do, and there is honor in that. I think that is probably what he is, an honorable soldier doing his duty, and I’ll either come to accept it or I won’t.
I would never ask you to make a choice between Jock and me. If I cannot put his profession aside and love him for the gentle man I know him to be, then I will choose neither of you. I will simply slip quietly out of your life. Please don’t ever tell Jock what I’ve said here, because if he knew my ambiguous state of mind about him, and if he thought you loved me, he would separate from both of us. I do not want that.
There are other issues that I wrestle with. You and I have discussed my thoughts of leaving lovely Longboat Key. I would never ask you to go with me, so I know that if I want you, I’ll have to stay. I also know that if I can’t be happy on Longboat, I’ll make your life miserable. So I have to work all that out.
And once my way is clear and my decisions made, I may find that you don’t want me, and that will break my heart. But, at least, I’ll know that I did my best, made my decisions, and professed my love for you. I can live with the rest of it, good or bad.
Stay safe, Matthew, and remember that whatever happens,
I love you,
J.D.