Chapter Nineteen
I swallowed back the panic that surged through me. I could fix this. I had to be able to fix this.
“Hudson.” I took a step toward him. “It’s not what it looks like.” I didn’t actually know what it looked like, having no idea how long he’d been standing there. Did he see that I’d pushed David away?
His face was stone. “Maybe we should discuss this in a more private setting.”
“Okay.” It was more a squeak than a word. But I headed toward the employee office and assumed he’d follow.
He did.
We took the stairs without speaking. I didn’t feel his eyes on me as I walked. He didn’t even want to look at me. Despair washed over me. I’d been so desperate for him, and now I’d f*cked it up. Again.
I didn’t turn to face him again until he’d shut the door behind us in the office. When I did, I almost wished I hadn’t. The forlorn look I’d seen downstairs was even worse than I’d remembered. Was there really anything I could say to erase that?
With feeble words, I tried. “He kissed me, Hudson. I didn’t kiss him. And when he did, I pushed him away.” It was the truth. If he’d been there long enough, he’d have seen it.
“Why were you in his arms in the first place?” His tone was low and gravelly. It was more emotion than he generally displayed, and it killed me.
A tear trickled down my face. “We were dancing. It was a party.”
His eyes flared. “You were in his arms, Alayna. In the arms of someone who has made no secret of his feelings for you. What did you think he’d do?”
He was right on many counts. I’d known it was dangerous, felt the wrongness of the embrace from the minute David put his arms around me.
But my intentions had not been to lead him on. It was a goodbye dance. My thoughts had been focused on Hudson the whole time. “It was innocent,” I insisted. “I needed someone. He was here. And you weren’t.”
The memory of the anxiousness that had driven me to David’s arms in the first place turned my tears bitter. “Where were you today, anyway? When I needed you?”
He matched my bitterness plus some. “What was it you needed, Alayna? Someone to keep you warm?”
I pressed my lips together, hoping to squelch the sob threatening to escape. “That hurts.”
“What I just witnessed hurts.”
That wasn’t news, but hearing him say it twisted my heart all the same. I’d experienced that same hurt—when I’d seen him kissing Celia on the video, then again earlier today, when she’d suggested they’d had an affair. Perhaps it wasn’t fair to compare her probable lies with what he’d witnessed in person, but he had to see where I was coming from. “Yeah, I know how it feels.”
“Do you?” Even that tiny phrase was filled with enough venom to smart.
It triggered more of my own snark. “Yeah, I do. Let me see if I can explain it. It feels like your gut has been wrenched out of your body. At least that’s what it felt like when Celia told me that you’d been f*cking her for most of the time we’ve been together.”
“What?” He seemed truly surprised, and not in the I’ve-been-caught way, but in the what-the-eff-is-she-talking-about way. It was the same expression he’d had when I’d mentioned him having more of an involvement with Stacy. “When did she say that?”
“Today,” I grumbled, already regretting bringing Celia up this way.
“You saw her today?” His eyes narrowed. “Does this have something to do with the phone message she left me?”
“I knew she’d call you!” And if she had, why hadn’t he called me? “What did she say?”
He shook his head dismissively. “She was raving nonsense. Something about you and her lawyer. I figured it was more of her shit from before so I deleted it.”
Hudson took a step toward me, and I noticed his eyes had softened, that instead of pain the predominant feature was now worry. “What happened with her? Was she following you again? What did she do? And why didn’t Reynold call me?”
I leaned on the desk behind me. “He didn’t know.” Guilt pressed on my chest, not only for ditching my bodyguard, but for Hudson’s willingness to set aside his ache out of concern for me.
The expression on his face magnified my shame. “Please don’t look at me like that. I’m sorry. I was stir-crazy so I grabbed my computer and went for coffee. I thought when I set the alarm to away that Reynold might notice, but I guess it didn’t inform him.”
Hudson’s mouth tightened. “It only texts when you set it for home.”
I was a little surprised that he hadn’t set the system to monitor all my comings and goings. It wasn’t like him. At a more appropriate time, I’d try to remember to be impressed. “Anyway, I just went to the bakery down the street. And Celia showed up. And I was sick of it. So I approached her.”
“You approached her?” Not only was his eye twitching and his jaw tense, but his hand was shaking as well. I hadn’t seen that from him before. Was he that angry?
“I did. It was stupid. I know it was stupid. But Stacy had sent me one of the emails that you had supposedly sent her, and I was reading it, and I could tell it wasn’t from you. I recognized one of the quotes used from one of the books Celia highlighted, and I knew the email was from her. So I confronted her about it. About writing the email.” The story spilled out in babble that I wasn’t even sure he could comprehend.
Apparently he did. “And she told you then that I was with her? Just out of the blue?”
I cringed. He wouldn’t like what I had to say next, but it was best to get it all out. “First, I showed her Stacy’s video.” After checking for his reaction, which I couldn’t read, I went on. “Then she said that you were together. That you were a couple. That you f*cked her that night and it wasn’t the first time and it wasn’t the last.”
If Hudson’s face grew any redder, steam would come out of his ears. “And you believed her?”
I squared my shoulders. “It pissed me off enough that I punched her.” Yeah, I admit it, I sounded proud.
“You punched her?” There went the steam.
That hadn’t been the reaction I’d wanted. “You know what? Keep acting like this is an interrogation and I’m out of here.”
Hudson paced the room, pushing his hands through his hair. When he stopped to focus on me again, he’d regained some composure, though his shoulders were still tight and his voice strained. “I’m sorry if I sound a bit tense, Alayna. I assure you it’s only out of concern for you.”
I studied him for several seconds. It was out of concern—I saw it now. His eyes were pinned on me, his shaking wasn’t out of anger; it was fear. Fear for me. The extent that he cared for me was limitless. It was as obvious as the color of his eyes.
The realization calmed me. I pulled back every ounce of snark and venom and gave him raw honesty in its place. “Yes, I punched her. I think I broke her nose. So I’m probably going to get some sort of assault charge for that. That’s why I needed you.”
“Alayna.” His eyes radiated with love. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“I did! Your phone was off. I could have left a message, but I didn’t want to say all that over voicemail, and I didn’t want to interrupt your meeting because I knew it was important.”
“Not as important as you.” He wanted to come to me—the urge was palpable. But there was still that other thing hanging in between us—the moment he’d walked in on—and so he sat on the arm of the couch instead, his hands playing with the bunched fabric of his slacks. “Have the police contacted you?”
I shook my head. “I was afraid to go back to the house so I came here to wait for your call.”
His eyes settled on his shoes. “I got your text when I was already in flight. I didn’t call because I knew I’d end up telling you I was on my way home, and I wanted it to be a surprise.” He laughed gruffly. “I took a nap instead. I should have called.”
Now it was my eyes that studied the floor. “I should have kept my cool.”
“I’ll take care of everything. Don’t worry about it in the least. She’s not going to bother you again.”
He said it with such conviction that I had no choice but to believe him. He’d find a way to protect me from Celia. I simply had to comply with the parameters he set to keep me safe. If I’d done that to begin with, she wouldn’t have had the opportunity to push me, and Hudson wouldn’t have to bail me out of my mess.
Gratitude and relief swept through me, along with a twinge of regret. “Thank you.”
And then a whole bunch more regret followed. If I hadn’t punched Celia, would I have ended up in David’s arms? Something told me probably not. Either way, the weight of what Hudson had witnessed was immensely heavy. “Hudson,” my voice trembled. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Good for you, actually. She deserves worse.” He even managed to smile as he said the last part.
I wanted to smile with him. But I couldn’t. Not yet. “I mean, I’m sorry about David.”
“Oh.” His face grew grim and the pain from earlier resurfaced. His next words were careful and precise and burdened. “Tell me one thing—do you still feel anything for him?”
“No. No, I don’t. Nothing. I’ve told you that before, and I meant it, though I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it seeing me tonight. But the whole time he was holding me, it felt wrong. All I could think about was you. I was missing you, H. Needing you. So much. And I didn’t think about what I was doing. I’m so, so, sor—”
He flew to me before I could finish, wrapping his arms around me.
Yes, that was how it was supposed to feel, that was what I’d been longing for.
He buried his face in my hair. “I missed you too, precious. Needed you. I was trying to get back here—”
“And I ruined your surprise.” I nuzzled further into his chest. “I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t care. It hurts, but I’ve hurt you. And as long as you swear that he means nothing—”
“Nothing. I swear with every fiber of my body, it’s only you.” I tilted my head up to kiss along his jaw. “How about you—” The question threatened to stick in my throat, but I forced it out. “Do you still feel anything for Celia?”
His body stiffened. Leaning back to meet my eyes, he said softly, “Alayna…I’ve never felt anything for Celia.”
“You mean, it was just sex?” They were things I had to ask, even if the answers were already clear.
He shook his head slowly. “I’ve never been with her at all.”
“She was lying.” It wasn’t a question. I’d already suspected she’d made it up.
He confirmed anyway. “She was lying.”
“That’s what I thought.” It should have been a relief. Why did my acceptance of this only bring a pit of dread?
Because if that wasn’t what he had to confess to me about the video, then there was still a truth I had to learn. Something told me I already knew. The alternative explanation that I’d managed to tuck away earlier returned to niggle at me. And this time it wouldn’t let go until I explored it fully.
Gently—reluctantly—I pushed my way out of his arms. “But here’s the thing—I sort of wish it were true.”
He raised a questioning brow.
“Not that you were sleeping with her while we were together—not that part. But the rest of it—that you were really with her when Stacy saw you. If that was the truth, I could accept it. Don’t get me wrong—the idea of you with her, f*cking her—it torments me. It really does.” Like, actually produced bile in my mouth. “But I think I always knew you were never with her. It’s in your eyes—both now and in that video.”
Hudson’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I wasn’t. I was never with her.”
I continued to stare at his neck. It was easier than looking at his eyes where dark storms were beginning to gather. “And that means that the thing with Stacy was a scam. Of course it was. I wanted to think it was just Celia in on it, and you were protecting her. But you said you weren’t and you did go along enough to stage that kiss. You were part of it.”
I paused, letting what I’d said sink into my consciousness, tasting the truth of the words that still lingered in my mouth. “I thought for a minute that might be your secret. Except it’s not it. I mean, yeah, that’s shitty that you did that to her, but I knew you had those things in your past. And you knew that I knew those things. If that were all there was to learn from that video, you would have told me. There had to be more you were hiding.”
Finally, with great effort, I raised my eyes to his. “It’s because of what night it was, the night of the symposium, isn’t it? I considered that you didn’t want me to know that you were still manipulating people for fun that recently, but now I don’t think that’s all of it either.”
“Alayna…” Even though only a whisper, there was weight to his single word. It was cautionary, it was pleading. It said, don’t go here, even though we were always headed there, from the second he first laid eyes on me. It was fated that we’d arrive at this moment, and whether we wanted to face it or not, here it was.
“It’s not the video itself. It’s what happened after.” I spoke as if I was just figuring it out, but really, it had always been there, buried in my subconscious where I didn’t have to deal with it. I knew. I’d always known what I was only now able to admit.
Hudson repeated my name, calling for my attention, but I was no longer focused on him.
“If Celia was there with you outside the symposium…then doesn’t it make sense that she went in with you? And if she went in with you, she was there when you first saw me. And if you were still playing people together…”
My skin broke out in goose bumps as a chill ran down my spine and a wave of nausea wracked through my body. A ringing began in my ears, and somewhere behind that I could hear Hudson still speaking.
“I was going to tell you,” he seemed to be saying. “I came back to tell you.”
I searched his face, barely registering his fragmented explanation as the truth settled over me.
“It’s my worst mistake, Alayna.” He stepped toward me, his face twisted in anguish, his voice desperate. “The most horrible of all the things I’ve done. My biggest regret, although it’s what gave me you and for that I’m forever grateful. But I never knew what I’d feel for you. I never knew that I could hurt you that much, and that I would care that I did. Please, Alayna, you have to understand.”
I was beginning to understand. With shocking clarity. “That’s what I was, wasn’t I?” I wasn’t really asking anyone. “A game. Your game. Together.” My legs went weak and I fell to the floor. “Oh god. Oh god, oh god.”
“Alayna—” Hudson fell to his knees and reached for me.
I scrambled away, my entire body shaking. “Don’t touch me!” I screamed. I couldn’t tell if he’d stopped moving toward me or not—my vision was blinded with fury and pain. My stomach twisted as though I might vomit and my head—my head couldn’t process, couldn’t think.
It didn’t help that Hudson refused to let me have a minute to hear my own thoughts. “It wasn’t what you think, Alayna. Yes, it started as a game. As Celia’s game. But I only went along because it was you. Because I was so enamored with you.”
I stared at him, blinking until my vision cleared. Then it was as if I were seeing him for the first time. I’d known this was his M.O. How could I have ignored that this exact situation was a possibility? Our beginning had been strange and unusual. He’d bought the club. Then he’d hired me to break up his engagement—an engagement that wasn’t ever a real thing. Why had I not questioned the bizarreness of it before?
And now he was trying to reason with me. My stomach wrenched tighter and I began to dry heave.
“Alayna, let me—”
I held a hand out to stop him from coming toward me. “I don’t want your help,” I said when the heaving subsided. With the back of my hand, I wiped the spit from my mouth. “I want f*cking answers.”
“Anything. I told you I’d tell you anything.” His words tumbled out as if he thought that answers might benefit him.
I already knew there was nothing he could say to fix this. That every answer would likely be more painful than the last. Still I had to know everything.
I bent my fingers into the carpet, trying to grasp onto something to give me strength. “You were enamored with me?” The phrase was sour on my tongue. “So you decided to f*ck with me?”
“No.” He sat back on his haunches and shoved both hands through his hair. “No, I wanted to get near you, and her plan was an excuse.”
“And what was her plan? ‘That girl presenting now. Make her fall in love with you and’…what?”
He shook his head fiercely, emphatically. “No, it didn’t happen like that. It wasn’t like that.”
I slammed a fist into the floor. “Then what was it like? Tell me!”
He clambered to find his words. I’d never seen him so lost, so off-balance, so miserable. “I saw you, like I’ve told you, and I was drawn to you. Completely drawn to you. I’ve never lied about that.”
“Drawn to me so you decided to destroy me.” And it had worked, hadn’t it? Because here I was, completely destroyed.
Hudson shook his head again. “This isn’t how I wanted to tell you. It’s not coming out right at all.”
“You mean if you told it another way, you could manipulate it to make it sound better.” I was shaking so badly, my teeth chattered as I spoke.
He winced as if I’d slapped him across the face. “I deserve that. But that’s not what I meant.” He inched closer, then stilled when my expression told him not to dare move nearer. “Let me tell it the way it was. Please. It won’t be better. It will still be awful, but it will be accurate.”
I leaned my back against the desk front, not wanting to hear more, needing to hear it all. “I’m waiting.”
He ran his tongue along his lips. “I saw you. And Celia noticed, I think. Noticed me noticing you. A few days later, she showed up with information about you.”
“She showed up with information?” My interruption shook him from what I’d guessed was a memorized script. Too goddammed bad. I wasn’t about to let any of it be easy for him.
“Yes, Celia had investigated you. It wasn’t me. She had your police record and the restraining order, plus a copy of your mental health record.”
Another wave of nausea rippled through me as I thought about Celia being the one to uncover my secrets. As I pictured her running to Hudson with the information of my worst sins.
He seemed to read my disgust, seemed to want to ease it. “It was in complete opposition to what I’d seen of you, Alayna. Everything she’d gathered—that wasn’t the strong, confident woman we’d seen at the symposium. It was obvious those things existed in your past. You were better. I saw that.”
“I was better.” I said it defiantly, even though it was exactly what he’d just said. “I was.”
“Yes. You were. It was evident.” He took a breath. “Her theory, though, was that you could be broken again.” His eyes flared. “I didn’t agree.”
He let those words hang in the air, waiting for them to sink in.
But what did he expect that I’d do? Stand up and give him a f*cking medal because he’d wagered on my side? Because he’d assumed that he couldn’t break me?
He’d still tried!
Anyway, he’d been wrong. He had gone beyond breaking me. He’d shattered me.
He kept talking, my brain barely computing his words. “That was the bet. She made up the whole idea to have you break up our nonexistent engagement. After a time, I was to end things with you, naturally. Say that the farce was no longer necessary. Then we’d wait and see what happened.” He paused to find his words. “But I didn’t ever feel—”
I cut him off. “So all of it was a scam. Every single part of us was a lie.” My speech was labored as I forced out words that I could never have imagined saying.
“No!” He was animated, passionate. “Even in the beginning, it was never about the game. Not for me. I wasn’t supposed to seduce you. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. And I did both before you’d even agreed to play along.”
I tilted my chin up, the only challenge I could muster besides my heated words. “But you didn’t fall in love with me. There’s no way, because you don’t do shit like that to people you love!”
“I’d never been in love, Alayna! I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I only knew I had to be with you and this was the way to do it.” His voice cracked. “I’m not excusing what I did, but I’m explaining. I’m pleading for you to try to…to try and…”
“And what? See it from your point of view? Forgive you?” Bitterness dripped from me. There wasn’t anything else inside me. I couldn’t even cry.
I cocked my head and met his eyes, making certain my next words were clearly understood no matter how I stuttered to get them out. “This is unforgiveable, Hudson! There is no moving forward from this.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.” His tone was urgent and remorseful. Pained.
I didn’t f*cking care. Let him hurt. I was glad for it, if that’s even how he really felt. I’d hurt him further if I could. I did my best to try. “What is it exactly that you don’t want to hear, Hudson? That I can’t forgive you? I can’t. I can’t forgive this. Ever.”
“Alayna, please!” He started for me again.
I kicked at him, managing to connect a foot with his upper arm. “We’re over. Over! Don’t you get it? There’s no f*cking way to ever trust you again after this!”
He sat back again. He could have easily overcome me if he’d kept trying. Even when I was upset and pumped with adrenaline, he was stronger than me. I couldn’t even gather an ounce of gratefulness for it though. He owed me that. He owed me more.
I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t try once more, and the last thing I wanted was his touch. In fact, I couldn’t even look at him. I had to go. Placing a hand in front of me, I pushed myself up to stand. “I’m leaving now. Don’t try to stop me. Don’t come after me.” It took great effort, but finally I was on my feet. “We’re done.”
Hudson followed me up. “We aren’t done, Alayna. This isn’t over. We’ve rebuilt trust after you’ve broken—”
I spun toward him. “Don’t even f*cking compare what I’ve done to this! My mistakes are not even in the same category. This is the worst thing. The worst thing you could...I can’t even…I can’t breathe…” I leaned over, placing my palms on my thighs, trying to get air into my lungs.
He settled a hand on my back, leaning in to check on my breathing.
I shrugged him off. “Don’t,” I seethed with what air I could find. “Don’t ever again. Don’t touch me. Don’t call. Don’t try to reach out to me. This is over, Hudson. Over! I can’t see you anymore.” I’d been numb before, but now I felt volcanic, explosive. Everything inside—I wanted it out. Wanted to retch up every single speck of emotion I had about Hudson, good and bad. I yearned to be free of it all.
And yet the feeling went on. Endless and deep and unbearable.
“Don’t say that, Alayna. Tell me how to fix this. Please.” Hudson’s despair echoed my own. “I’ll do anything. There has to be a way.”
I reached my hand out to the desk for support. “How? Tell me how there could possibly be a way to go on together after this?” I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to go on at all after this.
“I don’t have all the answers yet. But we can work on it together. We fix each other, remember?” Hudson curled his hands into fists, straightened them, then curled them again. “I love you, Alayna. I love you—that has to mean something.”
For so long I’d waited to hear him talk of his love. Now, he said it freely, and it felt like a complete mockery of everything I’d yearned for him to express. “Right now it really doesn’t.”
“Please. You can’t mean that.” He reached for me yet again, his grasp circling my wrist.
With a scream, I yanked my arm away. “Get your f*cking hands off me!”
He put his hands up in the air, in surrender. Then he let them fall to his side. He took a step backward. “You said,” he paused, “you said you could love me through anything…”
I’d been waiting for him to throw that back at me. Honestly, I was surprised he hadn’t mentioned it earlier. “Since everything you said turned out to be a lie, I don’t feel like I’m obligated to honor my promise either.”
Obligated or not, I did still love him. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t feel this way. Every molecule in my body wouldn’t be consumed in despair. That was the joke of the whole thing—I’d kept my promise. I did still love him through this horrible, f*cked up thing he’d done to me.
But it didn’t matter. Not anymore. Not when everything that my love was based upon was a sham.
There was a short knock followed by the opening of the office door. David stuck his head in. “Are you okay, Laynie?”
Had he heard me screaming a moment before? Or had he simply decided enough time had passed that he should check on me? Either way, I’d never been more grateful for the sight of him. “No. I’m not okay.”
David looked from me to Hudson, not sure what to do.
Hudson tried once more. “Alayna…”
I had no more words for him. Nothing left to say, nothing left to give. I simply shook my head once. I was done. That was all.
He continued to plead with his eyes for long seconds. After a while, he lowered his head. “I’ll leave.” Hudson turned to David. “I’m sorry to put a damper on your party. Thank you for looking out for her.”
He turned to look one last time at me, his expression filled with sorrow, regret, and longing. I knew he believed that I’d run to David after he left, and that the idea pained him even further. He was making a huge sacrifice leaving me with David alone.
But his sacrifice was a classic example of too little, too late.
So he was hurt? Too f*cking bad. I was destroyed.
I turned away, not able to look at him any longer. I knew he was gone when David put his arms around me. I let him hug me for a moment, but contrary to what Hudson believed I’d do, I wasn’t interested in seeking comfort from David. All I wanted to do was go somewhere and cry until the pain in my chest, in my head, in my bones, didn’t threaten to pull me under anymore.
I wasn’t sure it was even possible. I suspected that in reality I’d hurt—hurt hard—for a very, very long time.
“What can I do?” David asked as I pulled away.
I wiped a stream of tears from my face. “Get Liesl, please.”