CHAPTER 13
ENTRY 1
It’s my first day on earth, and I am attempting to locate Evana. She is the heavenly angel that I have been given the assignment to make fall in order to create a superior race of angels to carry out hell’s desires. I’m glad to be away from there for a while. I really needed a break from Cheryl. I plan on replacing her when I get back. I can’t imagine how anyone could promise to be with her forever. Even though I know I have power over a lot of things there, I feel free now. It’s nice to actually be able to breathe without having to answer to anyone or be expected to do anything. I could really get used to the thought of never having to return back there. Maybe I won’t be able to find Evana for a while and have a little time for myself to unwind and not have any demands for once.
ENTRY 2
It’s been two weeks, and I really haven’t been trying to find Evana yet. Lucky for me, I am kind of a big deal where I come from, so they won’t be sending anyone to check up on me. I’m staying in a rundown motel so I won’t attract too much attention to myself. I know this mission won’t be as cut and dry as it was described to me. There is no way that heaven will not keep tabs on their own. If it’s anything like I have heard, I’m sure they already know I’m here, preparing to corrupt. I wish there was some way I could just disappear. I’m so tired of these pointless missions. If somehow I get caught by other heavenly angels, I know the outcome for me will not end well. I am looking less forward to this day by day.
ENTRY 3
Today I met Evana. I can’t describe how she makes me feel. Just looking into her electric-blue eyes, I feel as if she can see straight into my soul. It makes me ashamed of all the things I have done. I can tell just by being in her presence that she is pure and innocent. I can’t imagine what heaven is like if it is filled with creatures like her. She is perfect with her long black hair, electric blue eyes, olive skin, and beautiful white wings. The sight of her took my breath away and left me speechless. I have never seen anything that compares to her. I felt as if I could sense God coming through her. One look at her almost hurt my eyes; she was so radiant! I now know why she is one of the high angels.
If I were a human, I wouldn’t be able to turn away from her to do anything else but follow her. Even as a hell’s angel I have to admit that she has made me question who and what I am internally. I am aware that I cannot continue doing the horrible things I have done for as long as I can remember. For the first time I feel remorse. There is no possible way I can complete the assignment I was given before coming here. I will not hurt Evana! I can’t hurt Evana. I would never be able to live with myself knowing that I caused this extraordinary creature any harm. I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t want to leave her.
I wish I could find a way to be with her forever. I need her in my life, but I know it can’t be. I never want to return to being who I was before I met her. It’s as if she’s awakened something within me that I never knew was there. There is something telling me not to let her go, as if there is something more to this than an unexplained fascination. I’ve never felt anything even close to the way I feel now about anyone before. I can’t imagine a day without her in it. I have to find a way to be around her.
ENTRY 4
It has been a month since I met Evana, and I feel more strongly about her now than I did before. I don’t know what it is about her, but there is something in the way she smiles at me and the way she glows with the sunlight that bounces off of her hair. I can’t help but enjoy the way my hand tingles when she places hers on top of it. There is something magical about her and the way she lightens up everything around her. This is what I have been searching for.
ENTRY 5
I know what this feeling is. I love Evana. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but it is out of my control. If I am found out I will surely be accused of treason. All I know is that if this is what treason feels like, then it is glorious! I have done nothing dark or evil in months, and I feel excellent. I don’t have any added weight of remorse that I am forced to hide from anyone. Evana is making me better. I know if I hadn’t met her I never would have wanted to change anything I was doing. I would have continued to be a puppet on strings, always doing what I was told without questioning a single thing. I would be the same vile creation that was doomed to live in the bowels of hell for all eternity. Though I know one day I will be forced to return, I know even if it were tomorrow, the memories and the impact she has had on me would make it more bearable, since no one could ever remove her from my mind. Evana is someone I would never have the ability to forget even if I wanted to.
ENTRY 6
As much as I love spending every waking moment possible near Evana, I am so afraid that I will cause her to be punished. Just like me, if she is suspected and accused of treason, she could be subject to judgment. I don’t want any of these things to come upon her. She only deserves the best life possible, and I can’t be the reason that it is ended for her. I’ve tried to stay away from her a little more lately, but I haven’t been successful. I follow along, watching her from the shadows. It makes me nervous considering that heavenly angels are able to tell that I am there and I don’t know if they are anywhere near. I keep taking risks and chances, not caring what might happen to me, but I do care what happens to her. I can’t keep putting her at risk, but I don’t know how to stay away from her. I am so in love with her.
ENTRY 7
Evana and I spoke about the possible consequences of spending time together today. She has come up with an idea. She says if we are noticed that I will appear to be carrying out my assignment and she will tell others like her that she is trying to convince me to change sides. Though she doesn’t know it for sure, she wouldn’t be lying. I would follow her to the ends of the world if that is what she requested of me. I would do anything in my power to make her know how much I love her. Satan could come cast me into hell’s torture personally, and I would take it readily if it meant Evana could remain unharmed due to her affiliation with me.
I am still having a hard time understanding how anyone as perfect and pure as Evana could stand to be in the presence of someone as vile and horrible as me. There was no reasonable explanation as to why she should even waste her time, knowing I was a member of the army and belonging to the king of deception. How did she really know she could trust me? Wasn’t she scared that all of this was just an act? I knew it wasn’t and she had to be able to sense my sincerity for her. She must know that if it meant I could spend forever with her no matter how opposite we might be that I would fight Satan and find a way to win if it ensured our future together.
ENTRY 8
Today, for the first time since I’ve existed, I prayed to God. I prayed that even though I was a horrible, wretched creature that was cursed to a devil’s hell that He would forgive me of everything I’ve done. I prayed that He would find a way to cleanse my heart and soul. I prayed so hard and so fervently that hot tears began to fall down my face. I spent hours talking to Evana’s Father, knowing that He was the only true almighty God and that I had been wrong for as long as I’d been living. I prayed for all of the souls I had led astray and that God would have mercy on them, providing them with another chance to make the right choice and turn their lives over to Him.
I prayed that if it was at all possible He could provide me with another way to live. I don’t know if He heard me or if what I prayed even mattered, but I wanted Him to know I was a changed being and that I wanted to follow Him. I knew I would never be perfect and pure like Evana was, but I wanted what she had. I wanted to know God and to be able to talk with Him, to call upon Him in times of need. Evana had told me that God had created everything and He cared about everyone. She told me that He was a God of forgiveness and that He cast sin as far as the east was from the west.
I wanted to know what it felt like to be one of His children and to live according to Him. I wanted to know that I wasn’t cursed to an eternity in Hell. Even if I had to be stripped of my wings, immortality, or live a life of complete isolation, if He was my God and I had His forgiveness and love, I knew I would never be lonely or without hope. Evana had taught me that. She said there was nothing too big for God and that He could handle anything! I just hope He heard me and could find it within Him to forgive me. I wanted an eternity with Him!
ENTRY 9
I feel indescribable today. It feels as though I have been reborn. I wish everyone could see the way that I feel and know that it is genuine. I told Evana that I had prayed when I saw her today. She assured me that God hears everyone and that if my prayer was genuine, He would grant me forgiveness. She was so reassuring that I almost felt as if the message had been delivered from God straight to me through her. I couldn’t believe how incredible this felt! If I had known talking to God and having a personal relationship with Him had felt this good, I would have done it a long time ago! Evana warned me that since I had opened the line of connection that other heavenly angels would be more likely to keep an eye on me now and that they would probably be skeptical about my profession of faith. I told her I would be more careful and try not to do anything that would cause anyone to suspect me of doing anything dishonest.
ENTRY 10
It’s been a while since my profession of faith, and no one has suspected me of doing anything I shouldn’t. In fact, everything has been relatively calm. I have continued seeing Evana as much as possible, and today I told her I loved her. She didn’t react at all like I was afraid she would. She actually accepted it rather well, giving me a huge smile and a hug. She didn’t say it back, but I know she will when she feels ready.
I now know that love is not only an emotion or feeling, but it is also a process. I know it takes a while to learn to love someone, especially someone who has led a less-than-acceptable life in the recent past. I have kept praying every day, feeling better and better as the time has continued to go by. I am learning to let go of the guilt my past has caused me, as Evana has kept telling me that I should not hold on to things that God doesn’t even remember. She really is the most amazing thing ever created. I stand astonished at how astounding she is in every way!
ENTRY 11
Evana still hasn’t spoken the words verbally telling me that she loves me in return, but I know she is showing it through her actions. Even without the words to back it up I made her an angel’s promise today that no matter what the future may hold I would love her and be with her until the end of time. She accepted this with even more enthusiasm than she did when I told her that I loved her. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that as angels we cannot break a promise, so for us to make one is a very serious commitment.
I didn’t ask her to promise anything in return, which also proved to her that I was being completely honest. I do hope she feels the same, but I will never request anything of her that she doesn’t offer on her own. I never want to feel that she is only around me or making me feel important out of obligation. When the time is right, I know she will make everything known.
ENTRY 12
I never thought I could enjoy just being around someone without anything being in it for me or having some kind of ulterior motive. Life feels perfect right now. I haven’t seen Evana today, but just the thought of knowing I will see her again soon is enough. I always look forward to seeing her, but when I have to go more than a few days between visits, I always long to see her more. I can always tell she is near just from her sweet scent that lingers in the air all around her, announcing her presence. These days she takes up almost every thought that flows through my mind. I am worse than some of the love-struck adolescent humans roaming around this town! I know the angel Cupid doesn’t really exist, but if he did, I would imagine that he had spent all of his arrows on me. Sometimes I wonder if Evana thinks about me the same way that I am consumed with thoughts of her. It was to the point now that I even dreamed about her when I slept and saw her face every time I closed my eyes. I wanted everyone to know I was truly in love with her! I didn’t want anyone to question my intentions.
ENTRY 13
I met with Evana today. She seemed more nervous than I have seen her in a long time. I asked repeatedly if everything was all right or if there was anything I could do, but she told me everything was fine with a halfhearted smile. I may not be the supreme being she was, but I could tell when something wasn’t exactly as it should be. I also knew Evana and I knew her light-hearted spirit. Today her spirit seemed to be carrying more weight than usual. I wanted to let her know somehow that I would be there if she needed anything, but I didn’t know how.
Our visit was shorter than usual, and we didn’t get into very deep conversation. She kept looking around as if making sure no one was watching. She didn’t even give me a hug when she left like she normally did. It was almost like she thought someone was listening in on our conversation. Whatever was going on, it was obvious that it made her uneasy and she felt the need to make everything short and simple. I’m worried about her.
ENTRY 14
It had been a week since I’d seen Evana until she stopped by today. She apologized for acting so out of sorts during our previous visit. She explained that since she had recently slowed down on her efforts to find people to win over, they had sent someone with her to make sure everything was still on the up and up. One of the other angels had reported she was spending an excess amount of time trying to win over a rogue hell’s angel and former leader of their army. As a result, she had been under the watchful eye of her babysitter with wings.
According to Evana, the angel left content after seeing us act totally platonic and not detecting anything in her thoughts to suggest otherwise, convinced that she was simply doing what she could to win another powerful being to fight for their cause. She was sure that we were in the clear and that they had backed off. I could tell in her smile and countenance that she was feeling much more relieved than she had been the last time I’d seen her.
ENTRY 15
Evana left a note on my door telling me that she wanted to meet in the park. As soon as I found the note I hurriedly got dressed and made my way to where she had suggested we meet as quickly as I could. When I arrived at the park, I found Evana sitting under a large tree, twisting a flower between her fingers. She didn’t look up until I was right next to her, and I could see her eyes were watering. When she stood up and threw her arms around me, I wasn’t sure how to respond. What I did know was that I could stay in that moment for the rest of time. I didn’t want to let her go as she pulled back a little to make eye contact with me.
The look in her eyes let me know that there was something she needed to tell me before it was too late and she missed the chance. Before I could ask any questions, she told me she promised to love me until time was no more and she would remain by my side no matter who or what tried to part us. She ended by telling me she was in love with me and sealing it with the most earth-moving kiss I had ever felt. Within moments we were surrounded by angels both from heaven and hell. With so many people escorting us, there was no possible way to escape, and even if we tried, we both knew the punishment would be worse. Evana and I knew that the best decision was to be cooperative with them and do as we were told.
When we arrived at judgment there were angels from both sides all around us. I couldn’t believe how many scornful looks were being cast in our direction. All of the horrible things that were being said about both of us as we passed through the crowd were appalling. I knew I deserved it for the life I had led for years, but Evana didn’t! Even more shocking to me was that it was those from my previous side that were making all of the insults to us. How could they, of anyone, justify degrading anyone else at all after knowing what they had done since the beginning of their existence? I couldn’t fathom that this was even happening. About that time a hush came over the crowd as Evana and I were told what our charges were.
We had both been charged with treason due to loving one another. My charges were much worse because in addition, it was brought to light that I had sought redemption for my past and chosen to leave the work of evil behind, making a pledge that I would never go back to that life. Generally the punishment for my crime would have been to strip me of my wings and cast into eternal damnation and torment along with all of the sinners who had chosen to ignore or reject God during their lives.
As I was about to face this ultimate punishment, heaven intervened on my behalf, saying that due to the fact that I had repented and acknowledged God and accepted His Son as my personal savior, Hell had no right to me because I was one of God’s children. Due to this information, heaven gave me the same sentence as Evana. We are now in our human forms and happily in love. I am choosing not to continue this journal because it isn’t just my own future anymore and I don’t know how she would feel about me recording our lives on paper. Hopefully in the future this will come in handy for someone for reasons unknown at this time.