twenty
BRIAN AND MONICA STROLLED THE FESTIVAL GROUNDS in the Lake of the Ozarks, only a hint of sunlight left in the day. It had been a long one. Monica’s tour bus had rolled into St. Louis at ten in the morning, and Brian and his road manager, Nate, hopped aboard for the three-hour trip west. They’d both performed individually at the festival, then wowed the energetic crowd of thousands with the song they recorded for Monica’s upcoming album. They ended the evening watching other artists perform and enjoying the vibe among the crowd.
“Ooh, cotton candy!” Monica tugged on his arm, a grin across her face. “Brings back memories. Let’s get some.”
“Definitely brings back memories.” He could hear Kelli squealing about it, back when the carnival would come to town. They’d share a stick, pulling puffs and stuffing them into their mouths, laughing about their lips turning blue. He shook the memory.
It’s not about Kelli anymore.
They watched the woman swirl the cotton into a big fluff. Monica happily took it. “You gonna get some?”
“Yeah.” He smiled, trying to be happy about it. “I think I will.”
They continued strolling through the crowd, licking sticky fingers, stopping at merchandise booths, occasionally signing autographs. Only one more act to go, a popular band, and they’d decided to stay and hear them. The bus would get back into St. Louis late, then keep going to Nashville.
“You must be excited to be done with the album,” Brian said. “Feel good about it?”
Monica paused by a guy twisting balloons into animal shapes. “I love it. I think it has just the right mix—a little funk, rock, praise and worship. It’s really eclectic. I’ll e-mail it to you.”
“I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten it. Didn’t want to chastise you just yet.”
She laughed. “You knew it was coming.” Her smile faded. “Still can’t believe your friend’s song didn’t make it on there. My producers had found another song that same weekend and thought it was a better fit to round out the album. We’d been battling about other things, so I didn’t want to make that a fight too.”
“Don’t sweat it. It worked out. I’m using the song on my album, a remake of it. Already recorded it.”
“Really? Wow. Can’t wait to hear it. Can you send it to me?”
Brian’s face issued an apology before his words. “Wish I could. We’re waiting until we figure out how we want to share the story behind the song. It’s . . . kind of personal.”
Monica looked puzzled. “Who’s ‘we’?”
“Me and Kelli. We recorded it together.”
“Oh.” She looked away. “And you have a personal story to go with the song? I’ve never heard you mention a special person in your life.”
“She’s not . . . I mean, that’s all in the past. She happened to move back to town, and we’re working on this album together.”
“Oh,” she said again. She tried a smile, but it was thin. “Must be why I haven’t gotten a call to sing on the album.”
“Truthfully? I probably would’ve called you if it hadn’t come together this way. But I’ve got several songs to go yet.” He tried his own smile. “So keep your vocal cords warm.”
Monica started walking, and Brian was sure he heard a sigh.
“Monica,” he said, coming up behind her, “talk to me. You’re upset because I haven’t asked you to sing on the album?”
She turned toward him. “I don’t know. That might be part of it . . . feeling like I’m out of the loop.”
“Oh my gosh! It’s Monica and Alien!”
The girl was probably in her early teens.
“Hey, you guys!” She waved her arms to get her friends’ attention. “Come here!”
Brian and Monica looked at one another. The girl hadn’t exactly spoken to them, wasn’t even looking at them, but they knew they needed to wait right there for her friends.
Five other young teens emerged, all of them giggly, braces shining in the evening spotlights as they smacked on chewing gum.
“Can we get your autographs?” The first girl spoke for them, but they all produced their programs. “We love you guys. Like, totally. I can’t even tell you.”
Monica flipped her inner switch and smiled big. “Aww, very cool! You guys are awesome.” She whipped out a black marker and signed each, then passed the marker to Brian.
“We appreciate the support.” Brian handed their programs back. “We couldn’t do what we do without you. Thank you.”
“Can we get a picture too?”
“Of course,” they both said.
The girls flagged down a woman who’d been hanging back, probably mother to one of them. She had her camera at the ready and took at least three shots.
“Facebook it tonight,” one of the girls said.
“And send me copies!” a couple more chorused.
Brian and Monica smiled and waved good-bye, and the mood dialed down quickly again.
She glanced up at him. “We’ve got about ten minutes before the last band comes on. Can we talk?”
He had a good idea where this was going but no idea what he would say. “Sure.”
They walked to the edge of the crowd to claim some quiet space and stood side by side, looking around. Monica finally spoke.
“I don’t really have a problem with not singing on your album.” Her gaze remained on the crowd. “I think it’s the fact that you’re working with Kelli.”
“Why is that a problem?”
Her gaze fell to the ground. “I guess I liked fancying myself as the main girl in your life, the friend you could talk to and hang out with. And I always kind of hoped that one day . . .”
Festival noise abounded, but the awkward silence swallowed it whole.
Brian measured his words. “I hadn’t thought about it that way, Monica, but you actually have been the main girl in my life for a while now, my closest female friend.”
“But . . .” Monica said.
“I really didn’t have a ‘but.’”
Monica looked at him now, exasperated. “Brian, do you not get it? We get along so well. You’re single, I’m single. We’re both in the business. Yet you’ve never once indicated an interest in me beyond friendship. There has to be a ‘but.’ Either you find me unappealing—”
“Oh, Monica, you know that’s not true.”
“—or it’s Kelli.”
“That’s not true either. That writers’ conference was the first time I’d seen or talked to her in years.”
“Doesn’t mean your heart hasn’t kept a primary spot on reserve for her.”
A crease formed in his brow. “I’ve just been focused on school and music. I haven’t had time to think about much else.” He paused. “But I value your friendship. Who knows what the future could hold?”
“Can I be honest with you, Brian?”
“You know you can.”
“It’s hard for me to keep being friends with you, yet having to hide my feelings.” She threw up her hands. “I’m falling in love with you.”
Brian sucked in a heap of air and tried to blow it out under his breath, to hide his shock. He stared into the dark sky, searching his heart for answers he might’ve missed. How did he feel about her? Could he see the two of them in a real relationship?
Seemed a given on so many levels. She was beautiful, kind, talented, serious about her faith, and a good friend. And she was interested in him. Did he need special bells to go off to alert him that she was worth pursuing?
And yet . . .
Was Kelli a factor? How could she be? She’d made it clear they were barely friends.
But what did that matter to his heart?
Maybe Monica knew better than he—his heart had held a place for Kelli, no matter how ridiculous that might be. Or maybe he’d been waiting for someone else to fill it, to become all that Kelli had been to him. Did Monica come close to that? Was it even fair to ask? He didn’t know. But what he knew was that it wouldn’t be fair for Monica to think he felt the same.
His heart sank when he looked at her, her arms folded, wet streaks down her face. He’d never wanted to hurt her. “Monica, you’re my friend. That won’t change.”
“It has to change.” She wiped her face with the palm of her hand. “My heart needs to let go, and the only way to do that is to minimize contact.”
“But your album’s coming out. We’ve got dates on the calendar to perform that song.”
“I know and that’s fine. But talking on the phone, being together like this . . . I can’t do it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything. I’ll be okay.”
The band had come onstage and started to play.
“You want to walk over and listen?”
“No. We should go.”
Without a word they walked back to the area where the buses were. It would be a long and lonely ride to St. Louis. The next days, weeks, and months would probably be lonely too. Maybe one day his heart would get its act together, find room for someone else.
Or maybe . . . maybe one day, if a miracle happened, it would welcome the one person it longed for.