eleven
KELLI WAS READY TO GO HOME. FOR THE LAST THIRTY minutes she’d been curled in a fetal position on the bed, paralyzed all over again as she replayed the past, wishing she could go back and change it.
She’d known exactly what she was doing. Even as she’d lain there in that sterile room, shivering, afraid, alone, there were no illusions. She was there to dispense with the baby she and Brian had conceived . . . and with it, all vestiges of their relationship. She’d stared down the decision for three weeks. Could she go through with having the baby, knowing Brian didn’t want him or her? Could she change her entire life plan? How would she tell her mother, Cedric, and Lindell?
Every day the pain grew greater. She’d loved Brian for almost four years—the first two as purely her best friend—and he’d left her . . . while part of him remained. She couldn’t bear it. She needed all of it to go away—the problem, the pain, the memories.
She phoned a girlfriend from school to take her, an acquaintance really, one who wouldn’t ask many questions. And she cried for days afterward, ashamed, pleading forgiveness, but asking herself why God should do it. Why would He forgive her when she knew better? It hadn’t taken her long to realize she had been under an illusion. The pain and the memories would never go away.
Cyd sat beside her on the bed, stroking her back. “Kelli, I wish you’d tell me what’s wrong. What did Brian say? Did he hurt you?”
Kelli sniffed. “Actually, he apologized for the past. But it only dredged everything back to the surface.”
“Will it help to talk about it?”
“No.” She’d never told anyone about the abortion. “I can’t, Cyd.”
“Just know I’m here if you ever feel the need—”
The card key slid into the lock and the door opened. “Hey! Are y’all in here?”
“We’re here, Steph,” Cyd called.
Stephanie let the door slam. “Well, why haven’t you answered? I’ve been calling and texting and—” She stopped when she saw them. “What’s wrong?”
“Kelli talked with Brian. Brought up old memories.”
“Really?” Stephanie joined them on the bed. “I thought it was a puppy love thing, but you two must’ve been serious. I guess I should’ve known. He sure seemed like he’d do anything for you.”
Kelli lifted her head and looked at Stephanie. “What are you talking about?”
“That’s why I’ve been trying to reach you two.” Stephanie plopped on the bed. “After the panel, I stood in line to talk to Monica. When it was my turn, I raved about you, said you found out about the conference late, didn’t have time to submit a demo, and asked if she’d be willing to listen to you sing a couple of your songs.”
“She said yes?” Cyd asked.
“No. She gave me that look—like I hear this all the time—and politely blew me off. But that’s when God showed up. I told y’all to believe. I am all about believing all things are possible now. I admit, I might’ve doubted a lit—”
“Steph.” Cyd gave her a look. “What happened?”
“Okay, okay. Brian came into the room again to talk to Rita. I introduced myself, told him I was Kelli’s sister-in-law, what we were trying to do with her music, how Monica had declined—”
Kelli sat all the way up. “You didn’t.”
“Girl, yes, I did. And we just hit it off. I mean, sorry, sounds like you’ve got issues with him, but he is such a nice guy. So get this . . .” Stephanie shifted. “He said he wants your music heard more than anything. He went over, talked to Monica, came back, and said she’d listen. Can you believe it?”
Cyd’s mouth dropped. “That’s incredible. So what now?”
“Monica said we could meet in twenty minutes, which was ten minutes ago. Kelli, this is the chance of a lifetime. I’m so excited for you.”
Kelli blew her nose. “I can’t meet Monica in ten minutes. I don’t even know if I want to. I’m not in the mood to sing.” She curled back into her ball. “I just want to go home.”
“Uh-uh.” Stephanie pulled her back up by the arm. “I’m all for a good pity party, but now ain’t the time. Remember our prayer in the pancake house? We asked God if He had plans for your music. We said show us if the door is open or closed. Right now, it’s still open. We can at least see what she says.”
Stephanie was right. Kelli had agreed to let God direct. She didn’t want to retreat again. But . . . “I won’t do it if Brian’s there,” she said.
“Brian left. He’s on his way back to St. Louis.”
Kelli sighed. At least the timing was good. Nothing Monica said could make her feel any worse. So what if her songs stank? There were much deeper things on her heart right now.
She swung her legs over the side of the bed. “That’s what we’re here for. As my brother would say, ‘Let’s do this.’”
Stephanie tried to look sympathetic. “Except he’d have a tad more enthusiasm.”
KELLI CLUTCHED HER OLD STENO PAD FILLED WITH songs as she, Cyd, and Stephanie walked into the ballroom. It was empty, with chandeliers overhead and tables pushed to the sides. Suddenly it hit her. Monica Styles would be listening to songs she’d written as a teenager, and she would pass judgment. Maybe Kelli couldn’t feel any worse, but she sure felt stupid. She hadn’t read any how-to handbooks before she’d written those songs. Hadn’t been to a conference like this. She was just a young girl writing what was on her heart. An amateur. Maybe Monica would spare her by not laughing in her face.
“Let’s pray real quick,” Cyd said.
The three moved closer and grabbed hands.
“Father,” Cyd began, “this is all about You and Your plans and purposes. Not Monica’s and not even Kelli’s. We’re believing that You’ve given Kelli these songs, and we pray You will do exceeding abundantly with them, beyond what we could ask or think. Do it for Your glory, O God. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Kelli exhaled as the door opened. A woman stepped in and held the door for Monica, who was on her cell phone.
The woman walked over to them, extending her hand. “Hi, I’m Laura, Monica’s assistant.”
The women introduced themselves, and they made small talk until Monica ended her call.
“Hey! How are y’all?” Monica asked, walking over to them.
They went to shake her hand, but Monica hugged them instead. “Good to meet you.” She wore a big smile. “So y’all go way back with Brian, huh? Any friend of Brian is a friend of mine.”
Kelli wasn’t sure what to say, so she just smiled.
Stephanie stepped in. “Actually, Kelli’s the one who’s known Brian a long time. She’s the songwriter I was telling you about.”
“I know I sounded skeptical when you told me,” Monica said. “Everybody knows a dope songwriter. But when Brian said she was dope, I had to listen. You might have the song I need!”
Kelli swallowed hard.
Monica was looking around. “Oh, good, there’s the piano.” She looked at Kelli. “Brian said you play.”
“Cool,” Kelli said. “I thought I’d have to sing a cappella.”
“We know your time is limited,” Stephanie said, “so maybe we should get started.” She led the group to the piano. “How many songs would you like to hear?”
“Two or three are all I have time for.” Monica paused to read a text message, then lowered the phone. “And let me warn you, I’m blunt by nature, which I try to temper by grace.” She put a hand to Kelli’s shoulder. “If I don’t like it, I’ll tell you.”
Kelli’s heart pounded.
“Perfect,” Stephanie said. “We want the straight-up truth.” She looked at Kelli. “Ready?”
Kelli lifted the lid and sat at the piano, propping her steno pad on the stand. She’d skimmed through it before they left the room and chosen a few favorites. She was pretty sure she remembered how to play them—kind of like riding a bike. She was also pretty sure she remembered the words, but she wanted the pad in case her brain froze.
She went with a lively song first, one she called “Praise Him.”
Monica leaned against the piano, nodding her head. In no time she’d caught on to the lyrics and began singing along. But about two-thirds of the way through, she raised her hand for Kelli to stop.
“I really like that,” Monica said, “but I’ve got all the up-tempo songs I need on this album. The one I was about to record was a slow, worshipful type. Got any like that?”
Two came to mind, and Kelli chose the one she liked best.
Monica stared into the distance, listening, and looked at her phone when it rang—a tune that competed with Kelli’s—but she didn’t answer. Moments later, she raised her hand again and made a face. “It’s cool, love the words, but the vibe isn’t really me.” She looked at her assistant. “We got time for one more?”
Laura gave an iffy nod. “You’ll have to jet right after. Next panel’s about to start.”
Monica looked at Kelli. “Bring it, girl. Give me your best.”
Kelli nodded, staring at the keys.
Stephanie leaned over and whispered, “Kel, think Cinderella. You tried to shove those other songs into the slipper, and they didn’t fit. Choose the one that fits, and you know what I’m talking about. Sing that wedding song.”
The jitters came instantly. It would be doubly hard to sing today, after seeing Brian. She closed her eyes. Lord, help me. If You want me to sing it, You’ll have to give me the strength.
Taking a deep breath, she played the first notes.
After the first couple of bars, Monica glanced at her assistant and looked back down. When she shook her head, Kelli thought she was about to raise her hand again—and she did, this time in praise. She seemed lost in the song, and while she couldn’t pick up all the words easily, she sang the repetitive parts of the chorus.
“I will love you . . . and I will love you . . . I will love you . . . Yes!”
Kelli peeked at Cyd and Stephanie, both of whom were about to jump out of their skin . . . and trying to hide it.
At the middle of the bridge, Monica shook her head again. “Stop. Just stop.”
The room fell silent. Kelli was confused. Didn’t she like it?
“We’ve got to call Roxie,” Monica said to Laura. “She needs to hear this. Now.”
“I agree,” Laura said.
Monica pushed a button on her phone and waited. “Roxie, whatever you’re doing, put it on pause. I got something for you . . . yes, you need to hear this . . . no, just listen. One second.” She put the phone on the piano. “You mind starting from the top, Kelli?”
“Not at all.” Kelli ran through the song again, this time to the finish, glad she could keep her composure.
Monica picked the phone back up and walked across the room, talking to Roxie, Laura beside her.
Kelli, Cyd, and Stephanie talked with their eyes.
Looks good, right? Cyd’s eyes said.
What’s Monica saying over there? Stephanie’s said.
Kelli’s were cautious. I just don’t know.
Monica walked back over. “I can’t begin to tell you how pumped I am,” she said. “I like this song better than the one they took from me—ha! Thank You, Lord!”
“I’m speechless,” Kelli said, shaking her head. “I can’t believe you like it.”
“Roxie loved it too—she’s my manager. We need the production team to listen, but I know they’ll love it. I’m just now realizing, though . . . you don’t have a recording that I can pass along to them.” She thought a moment. “If I had my MacBook, we could record it here at the conference and send it. Do y’all have one?”
The women looked at one another.
“We’re still in PC world,” Stephanie said, “but if that’s all we need to do, it won’t be a problem. When do you need it?”
Won’t be a problem? What planet was Stephanie on?
“Like, yesterday,” Monica said with a laugh. “If we can get everybody to sign off, we might be able to get in the studio, cut the song, and keep close to the same schedule we had. That would be awesome.”
“Let’s see,” Stephanie said. “Today’s Saturday. How about we get it to you by Monday?”
Kelli and Cyd shared a skeptical glance as Stephanie exchanged information with Monica and her assistant.
“We’ve gotta run, but I am so glad Brian told me about you. I’ve got to call and thank him.” She turned back around again at the door. “And nobody said you could sing! Girl, you can go!”
Kelli smiled as they scurried out.
“Can you believe it?” Stephanie pumped her fist in the air, then hugged Kelli. “All things are possible, baby! Woo! I feel like I’m the songwriter, I’m so excited.”
Kelli laughed, totally overwhelmed.
“More like the manager, the way you worked all that,” Cyd said. She hugged Kelli herself. “Looks to me like the door is open, sweetie. Did God make it happen or what? I can’t wait to tell Cedric.”
“It doesn’t even seem real.” Kelli gazed at the piano again. “But let’s not get too excited. Her production team might not like it.”
Stephanie put her hands on her hips. “Will you believe for two seconds, please? Just two seconds. Try it.”
Kelli pondered those words, knowing it was her main struggle. How could she believe God would want to bless her after what she’d done? Forgiveness was one thing; giving her the desires of her heart was something else.
“So, what’s the plan with the demo, Steph?” Cyd asked. “How do we get that done by Monday?”
“I’m thinking it’ll be fairly easy,” she said. “I’m calling my new friend, Brian.”
“No, you’re not,” Kelli said. “I don’t want Brian’s help.”
“Hello? You’re already benefiting from his help. I’ll bet he’s got a MacBook, and I’m also betting he won’t mind if you use it to record this song and send it to Monica’s people.” She took out her phone. “I’m calling right now.”
“How did you get his number?” Kelli asked.
“He gave it to me.” She scrolled through her contacts. “Said ‘anything you need.’”
Kelli rolled her eyes.
“Hey, Brian? Hi, this is Stephanie London, Kelli’s sister-in-law . . . Doing well . . . Listen, I hate to bother you again so soon . . . well, thank you.” She mouthed, He’s so nice, to Kelli and Cyd, then explained the situation. “Really? That easy? You don’t have to do that . . . That would be perfect . . . Okay . . . um”—she eyed Cyd— “let’s say tomorrow, Cyd and Cedric’s house . . . I’ll give you a call on our way back . . . Okay, thanks so much.”
Kelli shook her head. “I can’t believe this. You’ve got Brian coming to the house?”
“He said he’ll show us how to use the software to record and how to e-mail it. We can get it back to him on Monday. Problem solved.”
“Problem created,” Kelli said. “I don’t want to see him.”
“You don’t have to,” Stephanie said. “He can show me how to do it and then he’s gone. But, Kelli, seriously, is he really that bad? I mean, I’ve got my share of old boyfriends, and I’ve definitely held my share of grudges, but don’t you think it might be time to let it go?”
Kelli looked away, seeing the past. “It’s not that easy.”
Cyd put an arm around her. “Whatever it was, it’s clear he still cares about you. And he apologized. Counts for something, doesn’t it?”
Kelli dismissed the question with a look. “It’s easy to apologize and act like you care after the fact. When I needed him to care, he didn’t. That’s what counts in my book.”
They could call it a grudge if they wanted. Kelli just wanted firm boundaries—Brian could keep to his lane, and she would keep to hers.