She sucked in her breath. His mention of Marcus cut through her. Only her love for her cousin had restrained her from wanting to see Rome destroyed. But the Battle of Blood and Hail had changed her. Two specters from her past had returned that day seeking to steal Vel’s life: Marcus Aemilius Mamercus and Appius Claudius Drusus. One was her kin, the other an admirer who had once claimed he loved her.
It shocked her that her husband might have been slain by her cousin. And she would always remember how Drusus had attacked Vel from behind. At least that coward was now dead, dispatched by Mastarna even when Vel was suffering the agony of a near-mortal wound. “Marcus was ready to kill you when you were on your knees injured. And he told you I was dead to him. I doubt he’d show mercy to us or our children. Why should I feel compassion for him?”
“So you’re saying you’re disappointed I spared your cousin?”
“He showed no compunction to slay you! I don’t know why you stopped Arruns from killing him.”
“He wanted to avenge Drusus’s death. Besides, the battle was over. I saw no need to send him to his gods. And I thought you would want it that way.”
She pointed at his arm. “At least Marcus was prepared to fight you face-to-face. You were lucky to survive Drusus taking you unawares. Do you now regret killing him?”
“No. But the manner in which he attacked me was just the way of war. There are always men who forget honor on the battlefield.”
She stood inches from him, her height enabling her to look level with his eyes. She was annoyed by his reasonable attitude toward two men whose hatred was so deadly. Irritated, also, at his reluctance to countenance attacking Rome if given the opportunity. “Do you know how traitors are executed in Rome, Vel? I’ll be thrown from the Tarpeian Rock, named for Tarpeia. She opened Rome’s gates to the Sabines because of her love for their king. Don’t you think the Romans will compare me with her?”
His brow furrowed in puzzlement. “Why do you raise this?”
She reached over and picked up the golden tesserae from the table, fingering their worn surfaces, the numbers inscribed in words that were nearly rubbed away. His talismans. His luck. “You sent Arruns to give these to me after my uncle forced me to divorce you. You gave me the chance to see if the goddess Nortia wished me to return to you.”
“Yes, and I’ve been grateful to her ever since that she signaled she wanted us to be reunited.”
Caecilia took a deep breath. “I was fearful on the day. Danger awaited me in Veii. To be suspected as an enemy among your people if I returned, while having my people resolve to punish me as a traitoress . . .” She closed her palm around the tesserae. “I crouched on that dusty road to toss them. How hard my heart was beating, not sure if Roman Fortuna wanted me to choose duty or Rasennan Nortia wished me to forsake all for love.”
Vel covered her hand. “I know all this, Bellatrix. Why are you telling me again?”
“Because Fortuna reclaimed me that day, Vel. But I chose you. I gave Camillus and his hawks an excuse to blame us for a war.”
He squeezed her hand so hard the edges of the dice dug into her. “You defied the goddess of destiny?”
“No, I believe Fate’s intention was that I disobey her. Nortia brought me back for a reason, as you’ve always claimed.”
He broke from her, sinking into the chair. “Bellatrix, you may have doomed us.”
“No. I’ve given us a purpose. For Veii to defeat Rome.”
He clenched one armrest. “You’ve set us an impossible task. You’ve angered Nortia.”
She crouched before him, unfurling her palm so the golden dice tumbled into his lap. “You used to defy the goddess all the time, and you did not come to harm.”
“That was when I didn’t care if I lived or died. Now I’ve every reason to live because of you and our children.”
She eased herself onto her knees, grasping his hand and kissing it. “I will make offerings to placate Nortia. And I will say prayers to her in her guise as Roman Fortuna. All these years the goddess of destiny has protected Veii. She has spared us from catastrophe. I don’t think she wants to punish me.”
His shoulders sagged. “I don’t believe you can sway her. Fate is fixed. Beseeching her is fruitless. She’s the blind goddess, Caecilia.”
She was not used to hearing her given name on his lips. She’d always been his Bellatrix. She was used to weathering his ill temper, but his disquiet chilled her. “We’re safe, Vel. The traitor has been punished. The Romans don’t know the meaning to the portent at Lake Albanus. Queen Uni protects this city. And, in winter, Thefarie will come.”
He shook his head. It was as though he hadn’t heard her. “What have you done to us?”
She sat back on her heels, frustrated she couldn’t convince him. She wanted him to have faith that her decision had been right. And with his gloom, doubt seeped through her. “So would you rather I had never returned to you, Vel? Obeyed Fortuna? Returned to Rome? Married Drusus? Lived a life of regrets and misery? Never borne our sons and daughter?”
“Of course not. But how could you keep it from me all these years?”
“At first, I wanted to ignore what I’d done. And I did not want to burden you with it. Then, as time went by and disaster was not visited on the city, my dread dulled, and I became complacent.” She once again sought to clasp his hand. “What purpose would it have served to tell you? Because no matter the result of the dice throw, I always would have chosen you.”
He stood, the tesserae hitting the floor and scattering. “What purpose? What purpose! For ten years I concentrated on only defending this city. I could have urged the League of the Twelve to unite when Veii was still strong and Rome was suffering from pestilence and famine. Instead I merely begged for arms to shore up our defense. Now I’m toothless. Trapped behind tufa and masonry.”
His deep voice blasted her. She scrambled to her feet. She had sought to rally him; instead, all she’d done was expose his powerlessness. She tried to embrace him, but he shrugged her away, raising his arm in the air as though her touch scalded him. He headed to the doorway.
“Please, Vel . . . where are you going?”
“I need time to think—alone.”
She panicked, watching him close down his emotions in a way she’d not seen for years. “Please, Vel, forgive me.”
He paused at the door, his gaze stony. “Gather flowers, Caecilia, raid the cellar for wine to make offerings, and get used to the burning smell of incense. You have a lot of praying to do.”
She stared after him as she sank into the chair, then turned her attention to the tesserae. Her hand was shaking as she reached down to pick them up. She wished she’d never spoken. That she’d listened to her instincts to hoard her secrets.
After a time, she calmed. She knew her husband. She would not lose him over this. Their love had been tested before. And she thought of her children sleeping in the nursery. They were reason enough for her not to surrender to fear. She may have spurned Rome but the warrior blood of the Caecilians and Aemilians flowed in her. She was a bellatrix. There was no going back. She would placate Nortia. And Rome would fall.
SIX