Breathless

Thirty-five



After watching Merlin drink from his large water bowl, Puzzle and Riddle attended Grady’s preparations with interest as he chose two bowls from a cabinet and filled each with cold water from the kitchen tap.
As she extracted the memory stick from Grady’s camera and tucked it in a side compartment of her medical bag to take home, Cammy said, “Neither of us seems to want to speculate.”
“About what?”
“About what do you think?”
“You said earlier—you do medicine, you don’t do theory.”
“Speculation isn’t theory,” she said. “It’s not even up to the level of hypothesis. It’s just blue-skying. It’s what-if, if-maybe, could-it-be stuff.”
“I don’t want to speculate about them.”
“That’s what I just said. Neither of us wants to speculate.”
“All right, then. Good. We’re agreed.”
“But why do you think that is?”
He said, “I don’t do self-analysis.”
She watched him put the two bowls of water on the floor.
Immediately, Puzzle and Riddle went to the bowls, lowered their heads to the water, smelled it, and drank.
Cammy said, “I think the reason we don’t want to speculate about them is because most of the what-ifs we come up with are likely to be scary, one way or another.”
“There’s nothing scary about Puzzle and Riddle.”
“I didn’t say there was. I just said speculating about their origins is going to lead to some scary what-ifs.”
“Right now I just want to experience them,” Grady said. “If I think too much about what they might be, that’s going to color how I interpret their behavior.”
Watching the animals drink, Merlin seemed to strike a proud pose, as if they were good students to whom he had successfully imparted the right technique for drinking from a bowl.
“Anyway,” Cammy said, “you can’t know for sure there’s nothing scary about them.”
“There’s nothing scary about them,” he insisted.
“Not now, they’re as cute as Muppets now, but maybe later when the lights are off and you’re asleep, that’s when they reveal their true grotesque form.”
“You don’t really believe that’s a possibility.”
“No. It’s a what-if, but it’s a ridiculous what-if.”
“Anyway, they’re a lot cuter than Muppets,” he said. “Some Muppets creep me out. Nothing about these two creeps me out.”
“Muppets creep you out? Freud would find that interesting.”
“Not all Muppets creep me out. Just a few.”
“Surely not Kermit.”
“Of course not Kermit. But Big Bird’s a freak.”
“He’s a freak?”
“A total freak.”
As predictably steady, reliable, and self-contained as Grady might be, his conversation could take unpredictable deadpan turns. Cammy liked that. He was smart and amusing, but he was safe.
“Big Bird,” she said. “Is that why you don’t have a TV?”
“It’s one of the reasons.”
Riddle and then Puzzle finished drinking. They sat up on their haunches like a couple of giant prairie dogs, folded their hands on their bellies, and regarded Grady with expectation.
“Maybe they’re hungry,” Cammy suggested.
“They already ate three chicken breasts. And as far as I know, they ate the pan, too.”
“You don’t know these guys are the chicken thieves. There might be another factor—whoever went in your workshop, the garage, whoever switched on the lights.”
“See, this is why I make furniture.”
“What’s furniture got to do with it?”
“When I make furniture, I don’t have to think. My hands do all the thinking for me.”
“Even if Puzzle and Riddle did eat the chicken,” Cammy said, “maybe that’s the only thing they’ve had to eat all day. You don’t want to send them to bed hungry.”
“Because they might eat me alive in the middle of the night? Problem is, I don’t have any more chicken.”
“Give them some of Merlin’s kibble, see if they like it.”
“If I pour bowls of kibble for them, I’ll have to give Merlin some, and he’s already had all he should have for one day.”
“Merlin isn’t fat. You’d have to dole out kibble with a shovel to overfeed him. Give him a bowl, let him celebrate his new friends.”
“They do look like they expect something. Maybe you’re right, maybe they’re hungry.”
He kept forty pounds of Science Diet in the pantry—twenty pounds in a large aluminum can with an airtight lid, and an unopened twenty-pound backup bag. He put a large scoopful in Merlin’s food bowl and a smaller serving in each of two cereal bowls.
The wolfhound was trained to sit in front of his bowl and wait for permission to eat. The word okay released him to his meal.
Puzzle and Riddle studied Merlin and mimicked him, sitting at their bowls. When the dog ate, the two tasted their kibble, found it acceptable, and chowed down.
Needing to go home and get to work with the memory stick from Grady’s camera, still too enchanted to leave, Cammy watched the three eat. “In his way, Merlin’s as wonderful and mysterious as they are.”
Grady seemed surprised. “I was thinking the same thing.”
After his return to the mountains, near the end of his first year, Grady had told Cammy that he’d rediscovered the mystery of the ordinary. He said, if you allowed yourself to be enchanted by the beauty to be seen in even ordinary things, then all things proved to be extraordinary. Shortly thereafter, she gave Merlin to him, a puppy as large as some grown dogs, rough-coated, shaggy-browed, and as magical as the magician for whom he had been named.
Cammy said, “You know High Meadows Farm?”
“That’s the Vironi place, they raise Thoroughbreds?”
“Yeah. Something happened at High Meadows this afternoon, right before twilight.”
She told him about the strange condition of the horses and the other animals.
“Diagnosis?” he asked.
“I was working on it when you called me out here. Now I don’t think there can be a diagnosis because there wasn’t an illness.”
“But you said, they were in something like a trance.”
“I don’t know what this means, it’s just what I feel. …” She took a deep breath, blew it out. “There wasn’t anything wrong with them, something was right with them.”
“I can understand why you wouldn’t know what that means.”
She told him about the incident with the abused breeder dogs that had been rescued from the puppy mill. “I didn’t witness the trance part, but I saw the change in the dogs after it, they were happy, totally and suddenly socialized. Somehow, what happened at our clinic and what happened at High Meadows Farm must be related to Puzzle and Riddle.”
“I don’t see how, but I think you’re right. This many wheels of weirdness have to be on the same train.”
The wolfhound and his new companions finished eating. Merlin noisily licked his chops. With their fingers, Puzzle and Riddle meticulously combed the fur around their mouths.
Picking up her medical bag, Cammy said, “I’ll make my inquiries before I go to bed. By midmorning sometime, I should have replies, but I doubt there’s any chance we’ll be enlightened. Then we’ll have to decide what to do next.”
“Come here for lunch?”
“Yeah. Okay. Unless I have an emergency the techs can’t handle and that I can’t pass along to Amos Renfrew. He’s the best cow doc in the county, and he’s good enough with horses, but his heart isn’t in small-animal care. I wouldn’t recommend him for a dog in serious shape, he might overlook something.”
Merlin settled to the floor in a weary heap. Puzzle and Riddle snuggled against opposite sides of him, apparently at last worn out. The wolfhound was like a great woolly coat that had been thrown down, and the golden-eyed pair were the coat’s dazzling trim.
When Cammy opened the back door and stepped onto the porch, Grady followed her, but the animals remained behind.
“I’m pretty sure they’re already asleep,” Grady said. “Sometimes I think it would be a great blessing to walk on all fours and have a smaller brain.”
She shook her head. “It’s not their smaller brains that let them sleep so easily. It’s their innocence.”
“Then I’ll be awake all night, maybe forever.”
His singular smile was the best last sight to any evening, so she said, “Call you in the morning,” and moved toward the steps.
He put a hand on her shoulder, requiring her to face him once more. “This isn’t a theory or hypothesis or even something as grand as speculation. It’s a gut feeling. Nothing’s going to be the same.”
“Not all change is for the better,” she said.
He took her by both shoulders, and his face lowered toward hers, and for a moment she thought he might, with the purest of intentions, do the worst of wrongs that he could do. But the kiss he gave her, the first between them in these four years, was a brother’s kiss, his lips chaste against her forehead, and that was an expression of affection with which she could cope.
“Thank you for Merlin,” he said. “Whatever Puzzle and Riddle might be, I don’t believe they’d have followed me home if I had been on that walk alone. I think it was Merlin who drew them here.”
“He’s a magnet, sure enough,” she said. “He was from the moment he was born. Be careful tonight, Grady. I know they’re not a threat, they’re as innocent as Merlin, but innocence always has its enemies. Always.”
In the car, driving away, she hoped that she had not tensed when he bent down to kiss her brow, that he had not felt her stiffen defensively. She should have had faith that, though he knew nothing of her younger years, his intuition would always be that of a heart healer who knew the seriousness if not the precise nature of those wounds that could not be seen, for that’s what he had been as long as she had known him, a good man of exquisite intuition, not just a friend but a grace for which she was profoundly grateful.
If Puzzle and Riddle were more than one kind of curiosity or another, more than a quick stranger-than-fiction item on cable news, more than mere mutation, if they were something, as she believed they were, something momentous, they could not have entrusted themselves—or been entrusted—to better hands than Grady’s.
She drove out of the foothills, to the lower meadows, where the moonlight pooled in the pale grass.
The strange night appeared to have wrought subtle changes in the familiar land, and the well-known road seemed to be leading her into unknown places.
For twenty years, since she was fifteen and at last free, Cammy had wanted only what she possessed now: a veterinary practice and a life with animals, a life of service to the innocent of the Earth, to those who could not lie because they could not speak, who did not envy or covet or steal, who never betrayed and never took pleasure in the pain and despair of others, who did not enslave and brutalize and humiliate those weaker than they were.
But tonight, in the light of those beautiful unearthly eyes, she glimpsed something that she needed in addition to what she had. She hesitated to want it, for fear that by wanting it, she would ensure it was withheld, but she wanted it desperately nevertheless. Her life was filled with beauty, the flora and the fauna of the mountains, but she longed also to have what for now she only dared to call mystery. She wanted mystery in her life, things unknowable yet not imagined, things her mind could touch that her hands could never feel, mystery that could fill her half-empty heart with wonder.
Over gently rolling land, the road rose and fell, while in the geometries of the white ranch fencing, she saw embedded symbols that she had not recognized before, that the builders of the fence had not intended. The symbols now apparent to her were only a consequence of the principles of proper construction, yet they were icons that since time immemorial had been metaphors for hope.
As in the pasture at High Meadows Farm, her vision blurred. She pulled off the highway where the shoulder widened, put the Explorer in park, plucked Kleenex from the console box, and blotted her eyes.
With the magnificent horses and their attendant animals, Cammy had not understood what sentiment had brought her to tears. Whether the same feeling might have been at work then as now, she didn’t know, but she knew what moved her this time. Her life before her fifteenth birthday had been unspeakable. Her life these past twenty years was in many ways austere. She found a kind of happiness by demanding much of herself, by expecting nothing of others, and by seeking to balance those years of slavery with years of willing service to what was good in the world, as a way of expunging any stains the past had left on her. Now she stood at the center of a mystery, a significance. Although she had been wretched and without courage in her youth, Cammy knew—knew without doubt, as geese knew in their blood when the time had come to fly south ahead of winter—that the presence of these two creatures in her life meant, if she had once been damaged, she was now whole.