Breathless

Twenty-six



These rural roads were deserted at an hour when no logging trucks were en route to the mill and when no loads of lumber were outbound.
The Explorer’s headlights worked across various combinations of geometrical white ranch fencing and caused tree shadows to swing open like dark doors across moon-frosted meadows.
The forested mountains were blacker than the sky, and the moon rode high across a sea of stars.
At the end of the county road, Cammy followed Grady’s driveway past the house and parked behind.
On those occasions when she came to dinner, they always ate at the table in the kitchen, so she usually knocked at the back door instead of the front.
She and Grady were nothing more than friends. No man—or woman—in her life was more than that, but she counted Grady Adams as an especially good friend.
He possessed the grace of knowing what to ask about and what to leave unasked. He understood that caring didn’t require that every curiosity be satisfied.
Perhaps they got along so well because she, too, knew the limits of therapy talk in a society that counted nothing higher than the therapeutic. She didn’t expect to heal a friend or to be healed by him.
Sharing didn’t have to involve complete revelation. In fact, the more you shared of the past, the less people saw you for who you were in the now, the more they saw you as who you had been and who you had struggled so long not to be.
Neither words nor time healed anyone. Only living healed, if it healed at all, living as you were meant to live, as best you could with your learned habits and confused intentions, living through time and finally beyond time, where neither therapists nor surgeons were any longer needed to smooth away the pain or cut it out.
Cammy carried her medical bag to the house. As she climbed the back-porch steps, Grady opened the kitchen door.
As always, she liked the look of him: big, a little rough, an impression of determination in the set of his jaw and in the line of his mouth, but then the kindness in his eyes, the kindness that was as apparent as the blue of his irises.
Some might argue that kindness could not be seen in a kind man’s eyes any more than evil could be seen in the eyes of an evil man. But she could see them both when they were present: evil because she had much experience of it, kindness because she’d had no experience of it for such a long time that the absence of it had made her acutely sensitive to its eventual presence.
She had read about a man named Homer who, as a six-year-old child, suffered a mysterious neurological disorder that left him unable to smell anything for the next thirty years. One day, when he was thirty-six, as he picked a rose to savor the sight of it and the texture of its petals, his sense of smell returned to him full power, so overwhelming him that he fell to the ground in shock. In the years thereafter, while he enjoyed every bewitching scent of a world rich in them, he was so sensitive to the fragrance of a rose that he could smell a bush of blooms two blocks away and knew before he opened the door of a flower shop if it had a generous supply of roses or was temporarily out of stock.
Kindness in a man’s eyes was as apparent to Cammy as the promise of roses was manifest to Homer at a distance and beyond closed doors.
This time, as Grady greeted her, she saw something additional and less familiar in him: a childlike exuberance and wonder.
He said, “I should’ve prepared you better.”
“Prepared me?”
“On the phone. For this.”
As he ushered her into the kitchen, she said, “I brought my medical bag.”
“I don’t mean prepared that way. I mean, you know, prepared.” He closed the door. “But there’s no way you could be. Prepared, I mean. For this.”
“Are you babbling?”
“Sounds like babbling, doesn’t it? A lot’s happened. I don’t know what to make of it. Of them. Maybe you will. They’re in the living room.”
Cammy followed him across the kitchen. At the threshold of the hallway, he halted. She almost collided with him.
He turned to her. “I’m half afraid to take you in there.”
“Afraid—why?”
“Maybe you won’t be surprised. You’ll have a name for them. Then it’s not something, after all. It sure seems like it is. Something, I mean. But what do I know? I’m babbling, aren’t I?”
“Which sure isn’t like you.”
“They ate my chicken. Some was Merlin’s chicken. I’m assuming it was them. I don’t have actual proof.”
“I’m not here to make an arrest.”
“But who else would’ve eaten it? Maybe whoever switched on the lights in the workshop.”
Clueless but game, Cammy said, “Maybe the light switches smell like chicken. That would be proof of something.”
After turning away from her, he at once faced her again. “I don’t care they ate it. What surprises me is they would come right in. In the house, I mean. Wild animals aren’t that bold.”
He started toward the living room, but three steps along the hallway, he stopped and turned to her. She collided with him.
Steadying Cammy with one hand, Grady said, “Wild, bold—but not dangerous. Just the opposite. Almost tame. Like somebody’s pets.”
He let go of her and headed along the hallway again.
Expecting him to halt suddenly, Cammy hesitated to follow.
At the living-room archway, he glanced back. “What’re you doing? Come on, come on.”
In the front room, Merlin sat at attention. He glanced at Cammy, and his tail twitched, but he didn’t hurry to her as he usually did. He was captivated by the two creatures in front of him, on the sofa.
They were the size of six-year-old children. They sat as kids might sit, not on their haunches as a dog or a cat, but on their posteriors, legs straight in front of them.
In its forepaws, each held a dog toy, which it was examining with interest. A plush yellow duck, a plush purple bunny.
They were almost like plush toys themselves: dense, lustrous, snow-white fur. Furless and coal-black noses, lips, and paws.
Grady said, “Well? Is this really something? Is this something or isn’t it?”
Cammy glanced at him. Nodded. Found her voice. “Yeah. It’s something, all right.”
She put down her medical bag. Her knees had gone weak. She sat on a footstool directly opposite the animals.
Their skulls were not long like those of dogs, but round, and their faces were flat compared to the faces of dogs. Their nose leather and lips seemed feline. They looked more like otters than like cats, but they were not otters.
Because their heads were larger in proportion to their bodies than was usually the case in animals, the enormous eyes didn’t seem grotesque, and they weren’t protuberant. When they blinked, their lids were as black as their noses and lips.
Other aspects of the creatures were different from anything Cammy expected in furred mammals. Above all else, however, their eyes compelled her attention.
Some nocturnal animals, like African bush babies, had large eyes in proportion to the size of their heads. None she could think of was a fraction as enormous as these.
“Large eyes aren’t essential to night vision,” she said, as much to herself as to Grady, thinking aloud. “Diurnal-nocturnal animals, like dogs and cats—they’re able to see well in the dark because they have large pupils and a lot of photoreceptors in their retinas.”
Many animal eyes lacked a sclera—the white—as prominent as it was in the human eye. In most dogs, the sclera became visible largely when the animal looked sideways. The pair on the couch seemed to have no sclera whatsoever.
“The iris,” she said, “the pigmented portion, appears to wrap the eyeball far enough that the sclera never rotates into view.”
This alone suggested the possibility of numerous structural differences from the eyes of other animals. The cornea’s convex arc was a more impressive engineering feat here than in the human eye. The anterior and the posterior chambers of the aqueous humor must be shaped differently and must integrate in a unique fashion with the iris at the iridocorneal angle.
As a veterinarian, she was compelled to study them more closely, but she was simultaneously restrained by amazement, by astonishment, her mind and heart equally affected. Her stomach muscles fluttered, and her hands trembled as if palsied.
The animals shook-smelled-chewed the plush toys. The one with the duck offered it to the other, and they traded duck for bunny.
Merlin wagged his tail, as if pleased that they seemed to like his stuff.
A kind of wonder had overcome Cammy, akin to what she felt among the horses at High Meadows Farm. But the word wonder didn’t do this feeling justice. This was more profound. The right word eluded her.
However many differences might exist between these eyes and those of other animals, only their color impressed as much as did their size. They were golden but not uniform in hue. Several shades played through them: from gold dust to flax, to amber. …
“The irises don’t appear to be striated,” she said.
From the arm of the chair on which he now perched, Grady said, “Appear to be what?”
“Striated. The light and dark crossbands of muscle fiber—the striae—that radiate from the center of the iris and give texture to it. Sometimes the way light plays in light-colored eyes, they seem to be cut like jewels, to sparkle.”
“Sure. Okay. Striated.”
“But these aren’t. There’s a wholly different texture. I’d sure like to look at their eyes with my ophthalmoscope.”
“I think they might let you.”
She raised her hands to show him how she trembled.
He said, “You’re not afraid of them, are you?”
“No. No, they seem docile. It’s just … just what they might mean. My God.”
“What? What’re you thinking?”
“I’m not thinking anything.”
“You’re thinking something.”
“No. I don’t know. But they sure as hell mean something.”
“I told you they were something. But I thought you’d have some idea what.”
“I don’t. I don’t know what.”
“I thought you’d at least have a theory.”
“I do medicine. I don’t do theory.”
He said, “I’m gonna turn off the lights. Wait till you see their eyes in the dark.”
The creature with the purple bunny found the squeaker in it.
“Wait,” Cammy said as Grady moved toward the light switch.
“Wait for what?”
Squeak, squeak.
In case the squeaking meant a play session was imminent, Merlin got to his feet.
“Their forepaws,” Cammy said. “I didn’t notice till now. I was so taken with their eyes, I didn’t notice their forepaws.”
“What about them?”
Squeak, squeak, squeak.
Cammy’s knees still felt loose, her legs shaky, but nervous energy brought her to her feet. “They aren’t paws. They’re hands.”
“Yeah,” Grady said. “Like monkeys.”
Her hands were suddenly damp. She blotted them on her jeans as she said, “No. No, no, no. Not like monkeys.”