Twenty-nine
CRANE WAS STILL awake when the light came on in the hallway outside the cells. He heard her footsteps on the tiles and then she was standing at the open doorway.
“You mind if I come in?”
He sat up on the cot and leaned back against the wall. “What time is it?”
“It’s late.” Jean checked her wristwatch. “A quarter after three.” She sat on the cot across from him looking around at the graffiti on the walls, then set her purse on the floor. “Well,” she said, “here we are.”
“I guess so.”
“I saw Helen,” she said.
“She called. She said you two were thinking about starting a book club.”
She wagged a forefinger at him. “You’re funnier when you’re homeless.” She opened her purse, fishing around until she pulled out a joint. “You mind?”
“Pearl’s out there.”
“I don’t have enough for her too.”
He shrugged. “What am I going to do—put you in jail?”
“Twice as funny. You really are.”
She lit the joint, inhaled, then reached it across to him. They sat for a moment, holding the smoke in, and he took another hit and handed it back.
He turned his head aside to exhale. “You think we ever were in love?”
“You were with me.”
“Not the other way around?”
“I was in love with Griffin.”
He felt removed from his body and didn’t know whether it was the weed or something else. “Are you still?”
“He didn’t live long enough to disappoint me.”
“But you think about him?”
“Yeah.”
His face felt unnaturally relaxed, heavy in the cheeks and around the eyes, and when she offered the joint again he waved her off.
“Are you f*cked up?” she asked.
He nodded. He could hear his hair scraping against the cinderblock. “I snuck a little from your stash,” he said. “About a week ago.”
“I know. Addicts always know exactly how much shit they’ve got left.”
“You aren’t an addict.”
“Don’t you think it’s cute, though? Saying I am.”
He thought about it. “It’s adorable.”
She fished a can of beer from her purse and opened it. “I’ve got more in here,” she said. “They’re cold.”
“I’m fine.”
“It’s weird.” She sipped the beer. “But you dying’s kind of sexy. It’s like you’re being sent on a secret mission, or to the front or something.” She set the can on the floor, stood up and undid the top two buttons of her blouse. “I feel like if I came over there right now, something could happen for us.”
She was only a step away, her hands at the waistband of her slacks. She had beautiful hands. “It’s not going to work,” he said.
“We could try.”
“I’m not up to the humiliation.”
She sat down, bending forward with her forearms against the tops of her thighs. Her blouse was open, and he stared at the rise of her breasts.
“I’m sorry about the other night,” she said. “He was just the most adventuresome guy in the bar.”
“I had it coming.” He lay over on his side, still looking at her. She tilted the can up. He watched her throat as she swallowed.
“I want you to come home,” she said. “Whenever you feel like it.”
“I will in the morning.”
“It’s cold in here.”
“It’s the cinderblock. It holds the AC.”
She finished her beer. “I’m going to take care of you.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“How do you think it’ll look if I leave you now?”
He was still lying on his side. He lifted his head, getting a hand under it. “It’s what I’d do.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“I might.”
She placed the can on the floor and stood and stomped it flat, then put it in her purse. “Here’s how it’s going to be,” she said. “Me and my girlfriends are going to go out every weekend and drink shots and I’m going to bitch about how hard it is watching you die. I might even let them pry it out of me that you tried to f*ck your ex-wife.”
“You don’t have any girlfriends.”
“I’ll find some. It’ll be the best time of my life.”
When he closed his eyes she sat watching until his breathing deepened, then gathered up his clothes from where he’d folded and arranged them at the foot of his cot.
She turned off the light in the hall when she left, said good night to Pearl and put his things on the backseat of her car. She walked around and leaned against the trunk. It was raining lightly, enough that it made a purring sound. The air smelled of mown hay and sage and asphalt, and she didn’t feel a bit tired.
She lit a cigarette and got in behind the wheel and backed out into the street. She put the window down, enjoying the mist of rain against her cheek. I can do this, she thought. She tried to remember when she’d been brave in the past. She’d done what she had to do. She didn’t want to go right home, thinking she’d drive awhile before it got light, out toward the interstate, then turn around and go home and put clean sheets on their bed.
She shouldn’t have said that about Griffin, made him out as someone special, unforgettable. We all have our shit, and it had been twenty years, and truly, she would’ve found something to hate about him if they were still together. She flicked the cigarette out the window. That’s one thing she could change. If Janice Obermueller could quit smoking, how hard could it be? There were deer grazing the overgrowth of grass along the borrow ditches. Their eyes flashed red in the highbeams. Maybe she’d start exercising. She reached into her purse where it sat in the passenger’s seat for a can of beer.
She popped the tab and took a sip, thinking she might taper off the drinking a little. Nothing drastic. No meetings, nothing like that, maybe just start later in the day, and this wasn’t really like driving at all, more like gliding. It could be like that. She and Crane could have whole days together that were just this effortless. She could make it happen.