THE ICE MAN
My husband’s an Ice Man.
The first time I met him was at a hotel at a ski resort. It’s hard to imagine a more appropriate place to meet an Ice Man. He was in the lobby of the hotel, noisy and crowded with hordes of young people, seated in a corner as far as possible from the fireplace, quietly absorbed in a book. It was nearly noon, but the clear, cold morning light seemed to shine on him alone. “That’s an Ice Man,” one of my friends whispered. At the time I had no idea what sort of person an Ice Man was, and my friend couldn’t help me out. All she knew was that he was the sort of person who went by the name of Ice Man. “They must call him that because he’s made out of ice,” she added, a serious look on her face. As serious as if the topic wasn’t an Ice Man but a ghost, or someone with a contagious disease.
The Ice Man looked young, though that was offset by the white strands, like patches of leftover snow, mixed in among his stiff, wiry head of hair. He was tall, his cheeks were sharply chiseled, like frozen crags, his fingers covered with frost that looked like it would never, ever melt. Other than this, he looked perfectly normal. He wasn’t handsome, exactly, though some would find him quite appealing. There was something about him that pierced right through you. Especially his eyes, and that silent, transparent look that gleamed like an icicle on a winter’s morning—the sole glint of life in an otherwise provisional body. I stood there for a while, gazing at the Ice Man from across the lobby. He was absorbed in his book, never once moving or looking up, as if trying to convince himself that he was utterly alone.
The next afternoon he was in the same spot, as before, reading his book. When I went to the dining room for lunch, and when I came back with my friends from skiing in the evening, he was always there, seated in the same chair, the same look in his eyes as he scanned the pages of the same book as before. And the next day was exactly the same. Dawn to dusk found him seated alone, quietly reading, for all the world like part of the frozen winter scene outside.
On the afternoon of the fourth day, I made up an excuse and didn’t join everyone on the slopes. Instead, I stayed behind in the hotel, wandering around the lobby. With everyone out skiing, the lobby was like an abandoned city. The air there was sticky and hot, filled with a strangely depressing odor—the smell of snow that had clung to the soles of people’s boots and had slowly melted in front of the fireplace. I gazed out the windows, leafed through a newspaper. Finally I worked up my courage, went over to the Ice Man, and spoke to him. I’m pretty shy, and hardly ever strike up a conversation with a stranger, but I couldn’t help myself. I had to talk to him. This was my last night in the hotel and if I let this chance pass I probably would never have another.
You’re not skiing? I asked, trying to sound casual. The Ice Man slowly raised his head, looking like he was carefully listening to the wind blowing far away. He gazed intently at me and then quietly shook his head. I don’t ski, he said. I’m fine just reading and looking out at the snow. His words floated up in the air, a white comic-book bubble of dialogue, every word visible before me. He gently wiped away some of the frost from his fingers.
I had no idea what to say next. I blushed and stood there, rooted to the spot. The Ice Man gazed into my eyes and gave what looked like a faint smile. Or was it? Had he really smiled? Maybe I was just imagining it. Would you like to sit down? he said. I know you’re curious about me, so let’s talk for a while. You want to know what an Ice Man is like, right? He chuckled. It’s all right, he added. There’s nothing to be afraid of. You’re not going to catch a cold just talking to me.
We sat on a sofa in a corner of the lobby, hesitantly talking as we watched the swirling snow outside. I ordered a cup of hot cocoa, but the Ice Man didn’t drink anything. He was just as shy as I was. On top of which, we had little in common to talk about. We talked about the weather at first, then the hotel. Did you come here alone? I asked him. I did, he responded. Do you like skiing? he asked. Not particularly, I replied. Some of my girlfriends dragged me here. I can barely ski. I was dying to find out more about what an Ice Man was all about. Was he really made out of ice? What did he eat? Where did he live in the summer? Did he have a family? Those sorts of questions. Unfortunately, the Ice Man didn’t talk about himself at all, and I didn’t dare ask the questions that whirled around in my head. I figured he didn’t feel like talking about those things.
Instead he talked about me, who I am. It’s hard to believe, but he knew everything there was to know about me. Who was in my family, my age, interests, my health, what school I was attending, my friends. He knew it all. Even things I’d long forgotten, he knew everything about.
I don’t get it, I blushed. I felt like I had been stripped naked in front of people. How do you know so much about me? I asked. Are you a mind reader?
No, the Ice Man said, I can’t read minds. I just know these things. Like I’m looking deep into a clear block of ice. When I gaze at you like this, I can see everything about you.
Can you see my future? I asked.
No, not the future, he replied blankly, slowly shaking his head. I’m not interested in the future. I have no concept of the future. Ice contains no future, just the past, sealed away. As if they’re alive, everything in the world is sealed up inside, clear and distinct. Ice can preserve all kinds of things that way—cleanly, clearly. That’s the essence of ice, the role it plays.
I’m glad, I replied, and smiled. I was relieved—there was no way I wanted to hear about my future.
We got together a few times after we returned to Tokyo, eventually dating every weekend. We didn’t go on typical dates, to see movies, or spend time in coffee shops. We didn’t even go out to eat. The Ice Man hardly ever ate. Instead we’d spend time on a park bench, side by side, talking. We discussed all kinds of subjects, yet not once did the Ice Man talk about himself. Why is this? I asked one day. Why don’t you ever talk about yourself? I want to know more about you—where you were born, what kind of parents you had, how you came to be an Ice Man. The Ice Man gazed at me for a while, then slowly shook his head. I don’t know the answer to those things, he responded quietly and decisively, exhaling his hard white breath. I have no past. I know the past of everything else, and preserve it. But I have no past myself. I have no idea where I was born. I don’t know what my parents looked like, or whether I even had any. I don’t know how old I am, or if I even have an age.
The Ice Man was as isolated and alone as an iceberg floating in the darkness.
I fell deeply in love with him, and he came to love me, the present me, apart from any past or future. And I came to love the Ice Man for who he is now, apart from any past or future. It was a wonderful thing. We began to talk about getting married. I had just turned twenty, and the Ice Man was the first person I’d ever truly loved. What loving him really meant was, at the time, beyond me. But that would have been true even if it hadn’t been the Ice Man I was in love with then.
My mother and older sister were totally opposed to our marriage. You’re too young to get married, they argued. You don’t know the man’s background—even where or when he was born. How are we supposed to explain that to our relatives? And listen, they went on, he’s an Ice Man, so what happens if he melts? You don’t seem to understand this, but when you get married you take on certain responsibilities. How can an Ice Man possibly fulfill his duties as a husband?
Their fears were groundless, however. The Ice Man wasn’t really made out of ice. He was just as cold as ice. So even if it got hot, he wasn’t about to melt. He was cold, all right, but this wasn’t the kind of cold that was going to rob someone else of his body heat.
So we got married. No one celebrated our wedding. No one—not my friends, or relatives, or my family—was happy about us getting married. We didn’t even have a wedding ceremony. The Ice Man didn’t have a family register, so even a civil ceremony was out. The two of us simply decided that we were married. We bought a small cake and ate it, just the two of us. That was our ceremony. We rented a small apartment, and the Ice Man took a job at a refrigerated meat warehouse. The cold never bothered him, of course, and he never got tired, no matter how hard he worked. He never even ate very much. So his boss really liked him, and paid him more than any of his fellow employees. We lived a quiet life, just the two of us, not bothered by anyone else, not troubling anybody.
When we made love, I always pictured a solitary, silent clump of ice off somewhere. Hard ice, as hard as it could possibly be, the largest chunk of ice in the entire world. It was somewhere far away, though the Ice Man must know where that chunk of ice is. What he did was convey a memory of that ice. The first few times we made love, I was confused, but soon I grew used to it. I grew to love it when he took me in his arms. As always, he never said a word about himself, not even why he became an Ice Man, and I never asked him. The two of us simply held each other in the darkness, sharing that enormous ice, inside of which the world’s past, millions of years’ worth, was preserved.
Our married life was fine. We loved each other, and everyone left us alone. People found it hard at first to get used to the Ice Man, but after a while they started to talk with him. An Ice Man’s not so different from anybody else, they concluded. But deep down, I knew they didn’t accept him, and they didn’t accept me for having married him. We’re different people from them, they concluded, and the gulf separating them and us will never be filled.
We tried but failed to have a baby, perhaps because of a genetic difference between humans and Ice Men that made having children difficult. Without a baby to keep me busy, I found I had a lot of spare time on my hands. I’d straighten up the house in the morning, but after that had nothing to keep me busy. I didn’t have any friends to talk to or go out with, and I didn’t know anybody in the neighborhood. My mother and sister were still angry with me over marrying an Ice Man, and refused to get in touch. I was the family black sheep they were embarrassed about. There was no one to talk to, even over the phone. While the Ice Man was working in the warehouse, I stayed alone at home, reading or listening to music. I was a bit of a homebody anyway, and didn’t mind being by myself all that much. Still, I was young, and couldn’t put up with such a monotonous routine for long. Boredom didn’t bother me as much as the sheer repetitiveness of each day. I started to see myself as nothing more than a repetitive shadow within that daily routine.
So, one day I suggested to my husband that we take a trip somewhere to break up the routine. A trip? the Ice Man asked, his eyes narrowing. Why would you want to go on a trip? You’re not happy the way we are, just the two of us?
No, that’s not it, I replied. I’m perfectly happy. We get along fine. It’s just that I’m bored. I’d like to go someplace far away, see things I’ve never seen before, experience something new. Do you know what I mean? And besides, we never went on a honeymoon. We have enough saved up, plus you have plenty of vacation time. It would be nice to take a leisurely vacation for once.
The Ice Man let out a deep, nearly freezing sigh, which crystallized audibly in the air, then brought his long, frost-covered fingers together on his lap. Well, he said, if you really want to go on a trip that much, I don’t see why not. I don’t think traveling is all that great, but I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy, go wherever you want. I’ve worked hard at the warehouse and should be able to take some time off. It shouldn’t be a problem. But where would you like to go?
How about the South Pole? I said. I picked the South Pole because I was sure the Ice Man would be interested in going there. And, truth be told, I’d always wanted to go see it. To see the aurora, and the penguins. I had this wonderful mental picture of myself in a hooded parka underneath the aurora, playing with the penguins.
The Ice Man looked deep into my eyes, unblinking. His look was like a sharply pointed icicle piercing deep into my brain. He was silent for a while, thinking, then with a twinkle in his voice he said, All right. If you’d really like to go to the South Pole then let’s do it. You’re sure that’s where you want to go?
I nodded.
I can take a long vacation in a couple of weeks, he said. You should be able to get everything ready for the trip in the meantime. That’s all right with you?
I couldn’t respond. His icicle stare had frozen my brain and I couldn’t think.
As the days passed, though, I started to regret bringing up the idea to my husband of a trip to the South Pole. I’m not sure why. It’s like ever since I mentioned the name “South Pole” he changed. His eyes grew more piercing and icicle-like than ever, his breath whiter, his fingers covered with an increasing amount of frost. He was quieter than before, and more stubborn. And he was no longer eating, which had me worried. Five days before we were set to depart I decided I had to say something. Let’s not go to the South Pole after all, I said to him. It’s too cold, and might not be good for us. It’d be better to go to some ordinary place—Europe or Spain or somewhere. We could drink some wine, eat some paella, watch a bullfight or two. But my husband ignored me. He had this faraway look for a while, then turned to me and looked deep into my eyes. His stare went so deep I felt like my body was about to vanish right then and there. No, my husband the Ice Man said flatly, Spain doesn’t interest me. I’m sorry, but it’s just too hot and dusty. And the food’s too spicy. And I already bought our tickets to the South Pole, and a fur coat and fur-lined boots for you. We can’t let those go to waste. We can’t just back out now.
To tell you the truth, I was frightened. If we went to the South Pole, I felt sure something terrible was going to happen to us. I had the same awful dream night after night. I’m walking somewhere when I fall into a deep hole. Nobody finds me and I freeze solid. I’m frozen inside the ice, gazing up at the sky. I’m conscious but can’t even move a finger. It’s such a weird feeling. With each passing moment I’m becoming part of the past. There is no future for me, just the past steadily accumulating. Everybody is watching this happening to me. They’re watching the past, watching as I slip further and further away.
Then I wake up and find the Ice Man sleeping beside me. He makes no sound as he sleeps, like something frozen and dead. I love him, though. I start to cry, my tears wetting his cheeks. He awakens and holds me close. I had an awful dream, I tell him. In the darkness he slowly shakes his head. It was only a dream, he says. Dreams come from the past, not from the future. Dreams shouldn’t control you—you should control them.
You’re right, I say—but I’m not at all certain.
So we ended up taking a plane to the South Pole. I couldn’t find a reason to call off our trip. The pilots and stewardesses in our plane barely said a word the whole way. I was hoping to enjoy the scenery as we flew, but the clouds were so thick I couldn’t see a thing. Before long, the windows were covered with a thick film of ice. All this time, my husband just quietly read a book. I felt none of the usual excitement and happiness you feel as you set out on a trip, merely the feeling that we were fulfilling what we’d set out to do.
As we walked down the ramp and first set foot at the South Pole, I could feel my husband’s whole body tremble. It all happened in the blink of an eye, in half an instant, and his expression didn’t change a jot, so no one else noticed. But I didn’t miss it. Something inside him sent a quiet yet intense jolt through him. I stared at his face. He stood there, looked up at the sky, then at his hands, and then let out a deep breath. He looked over at me and smiled. So this is where you wanted to come? he asked. That’s right, I replied.
I knew the South Pole was going to be a lonely place, but it turned out to be lonelier than anything I could have imagined. Hardly anyone lived there. There was just one small featureless town, with one equally featureless hotel. The South Pole isn’t much of a tourist destination. There weren’t even any penguins, not to mention any aurora. Occasionally I’d stop passersby and ask where the penguins were, but they’d merely shake their head. They couldn’t understand my words, so I’d end up sketching a penguin on a piece of paper to show them, but all I got was the same response—a silent shake of the head. I felt so alone. Step outside the town and all you saw was ice. No trees, no flowers, rivers, or ponds. Ice and nothing but—a frozen wasteland as far as the eye could see.
My husband, on the other hand, with his white breath, frosty fingers, and faraway look in his icicle eyes, strode tirelessly here and there. It wasn’t long before he learned the language and spoke with the locals in hard, icy tones. They talked for hours, intense looks on their faces, but I didn’t have a clue what they could be talking about. My husband was entranced by the whole place. Something about it appealed to him. It upset me at first, and I felt like I was left behind, betrayed and abandoned.
Finally, though, in the midst of this silent, icy world, all strength drained out of me, ebbing away bit by bit. Even, in the end, the strength to feel upset by my situation. My emotional compass had vanished. I lost all sense of direction, of time, of the sense of who I was. I don’t know when it began, or when it ended, but before I knew it I was locked away, alone and numb in the endless winter of that world of ice. Even after I’d lost almost all sensation, I still knew this: The husband here at the South Pole is not the husband I used to know. I couldn’t say how he’d changed, exactly, for he still was always thoughtful, always had kind words for me. And I knew he sincerely meant the things he said. But I also knew that the Ice Man before me now was not the Ice Man I’d first met at the ski resort. But who was I going to complain to? All the South Pole people liked him a lot, and they couldn’t understand a word I said. With white breath and frosty faces they talked, joked around, and sang songs in that distinctively spirited language of theirs. I stayed shut up in my hotel room gazing out at the gray skies that wouldn’t clear for months, struggling to learn the complicated grammar of the South Pole language, something I knew I’d never master.
There weren’t any more airplanes at the airport. After the plane that carried us here departed no more landed. By this time the runway was buried beneath a hard sheet of ice. Just like my heart.
Winter’s come, my husband said. A long, long winter. No planes will come, no ships either. Everything’s frozen solid, he said. All we can do is wait for spring.
It was three months after we’d come to the South Pole that I realized I was pregnant. And I knew one thing: that the baby I was going to give birth to would be a tiny Ice Man. My womb had frozen over, a thin sheet of ice mixed in with my amniotic fluid. I could feel that chill deep inside my belly. And I knew this, too: my child would have the same icicle eyes as his father, the same frost-covered fingers. And I knew one more thing: our new little family would never step outside the South Pole again. The outrageous weight of the eternal past had grabbed us and wasn’t about to let go. We’d never be able to shake free.
My heart is just about gone now. The warmth I used to have has retreated somewhere far away. Sometimes I even forget that warmth ever existed. I’m still able to cry, though. I’m completely alone, in the coldest, loneliest place in the world. When I cry, my husband kisses my cheeks, turning my tears to ice. He peels off those frozen tears and puts them on his tongue. You know I love you, he says. And I know it’s true. The Ice Man does love me. But the wind blows his frozen words further and further into the past. And I cry some more, icy tears welling up endlessly in our frozen little home in the far-off South Pole.
—TRANSLATED BY PHILIP GABRIEL