Bittersweet

CHAPTER 4

THE SUN was brilliant when she awoke the next day in Harwich, and the ocean was shimmering as though it were trimmed in silver. The kids were already up, and helping themselves to cereal when she walked in. She was wearing a T-shirt, shorts, and sandals, with her hair piled up on her head, held by two old tortoise-shell pins, and she was unaware of it, but she looked very pretty.
“What's everybody doing today?” she asked as she put a pot of coffee on. It seemed silly to do it just for herself, but she loved sitting on the deck, with a cup of coffee and reading, glancing up occasionally to look at the ocean. It was one of her favorite Cape Cod pastimes.
“I'm going over to see the Boardmans,” Jessica was quick to say. They had three older teenage sons, and a daughter her own age. Jessica had grown up with them, and loved them, and the boys were of particular interest to her now that two of them were in high school, and the third one was a freshman in college.
Jason had a friend down the street too, and had called him and made plans the night before to spend the day with him. Aimee wanted to go swimming at a friend's, and India promised to call and arrange it as soon as she had a cup of coffee, and Sam wanted to walk down the beach with her, and Crockett, the Labrador retriever. It sounded like a good plan to her, and she promised to walk with him a little later. In the meantime, he was happy playing with the toys he had left there the year before, and he was anxious to get his bike out.
By ten o'clock they were all on their way, and she and Sam walked down the steps to the beach, with the dog just behind them. Sam had brought a ball, and he kept throwing it for the dog, who fetched it devotedly, even when Sam threw it in the water. And India walked along happily, watching them, with her camera slung over her shoulder. After nearly thirty years of carrying it, it seemed like part of her body. Her children couldn't imagine seeing her without it.
They had walked almost a mile down the beach before they saw anyone they knew. It was still early in the season and people were only just beginning to arrive for the summer. The first friends they met were a couple she and Doug had known for years. They were both surgeons, from Boston. He was a little older than Doug, and she was a year or two older than he, somewhere near fifty. They had a son at Harvard Medical School, but for the past two years he hadn't come to the Cape, he was too busy, but they were both thrilled that he had decided to follow in their footsteps. They were Jenny and Dick Parker. And they smiled the moment they saw India and Sam approaching.
“I wondered when you'd get here,” Jenny said with a look of delight. India had had a Christmas card from them, as usual, but they rarely spoke during the winter. They only saw each other in the summer at the Cape.
“We came up last night,” India explained. “Doug won't be up for a couple of weeks though. He has too many new clients.”
“That's too bad,” Dick said, as he wrestled with Sam and the dog barked in excitement, running around them in circles. “We're having a party on the Fourth, I was hoping you'd come. You'll have to come without him. And bring the kids. Jenny made me hire a cook this time, after I burned all the ribs and hamburgers last year.”
“The steaks were great though,” India said with a smile, remembering it perfectly. The ribs had gone up in flames, while the hamburgers turned to ashes.
“Thank you for remembering.” Dick grinned at her. He was happy to see her, and he had always had a special fondness for her children, as was evident the way he was playing with Sam. “I hope you will all come.”
“We'd love it. Who else is here?” India asked, and Jenny went down the list of the latest arrivals. There were already a fair number of the regulars in residence, which would be nice for the children.
“And we're having friends up over the Fourth too,” Jenny explained. They always had friends at the house with them, so it was nothing unusual, but this time she seemed especially eager to tell India about her guests. “Serena Smith and her husband will be here.”
“The writer?” India looked momentarily startled. She was on the bestseller list constantly with her steamy novels. And India had always had the impression that she was an interesting woman.
“I went to college with her,” Jenny explained. “We kind of lost touch over the years, although I knew her pretty well then. I ran into her in New York this year. She's a lot of fun, and I like her husband.”
“And wait till you see his sailboat,” Dick said admiringly. “They sailed around the world with it, and it's really quite something. They're going to sail it up from New York with half a dozen friends. They're planning to spend a week here. You have to bring the kids over to see it.”
“Let us know when it's here,” India said, and Dick laughed.
“I don't think I'll have to. You can't miss it. It's a hundred and seventy feet long, with a crew of nine. They I've awfully well, but they're nice people. I think you'll like them. It's a shame Doug won't be here.”
“He'll be heartbroken to miss it,” India said politely. There was no need to explain to them that just looking at a boat, Doug got seasick. But she didn't, and she knew that Sam in particular would be excited to see it.
“I'm sure he knows who Paul is. He's in international banking, Paul Ward.” He had been on the cover of Time twice in the past few years, and she'd read about him in the Wall Street Journal. Somehow she had never connected him with Serena Smith though. She guessed that he was somewhere in his mid-fifties.
“It'll be fun to meet them. We're getting awfully fancy here this year, aren't we? With famous authors and big yachts, and international financiers. It makes the rest of us look a little dull by comparison, doesn't it?” India smiled at them. They always seemed to have an interesting group of people around them.
“I wouldn't call you dull, my dear,” Dick said with a grin, putting an arm around her shoulders. He was glad to see her. He shared her passion for photography, although he was only an amateur, but he had taken some wonderful photographs of the children. “Did you do any assignments this winter?”
“Nothing since Harlem,” she said sadly, and then she told him about the job she'd turned down in Korea.
“That would have been a tough one,” he said after she explained it to him.
“I couldn't leave the children for a month. Doug got mad just hearing about it. He doesn't really want me doing any work.”
“That would be a real crime with a talent like yours,” he said with a thoughtful look, while Jenny chatted with Sam about the sports he'd played that winter. “You should talk Doug into letting you do more work instead of less,” he said seriously, which reminded her of their fateful dinner.
“Doug definitely does not share that point of view,” she said with a rueful smile at their old friend. “He doesn't think work and motherhood are a good mix, I'm afraid.” Something in her eyes told Dick that this was a painful subject for her.
“Let Jenny talk to him about it. I suggested she retire once, about five years ago, and she almost killed me. I just thought she was working too hard, teaching and doing surgery, and she almost divorced me. I don't think I'll try that again until she's eighty.” He glanced lovingly at his wife with a whimsical expression.
“Don't even think about it then,” Jenny warned him with a grin, joining their conversation. “I'm going to teach till I'm at least a hundred.”
“She will too,” he said, smiling at India. He was always bowled over by how beautiful India was, and how natural. She seemed completely unaware of her effect on people. She was so used to watching them through a lens, that it never dawned on her that anyone was looking at her. She told him about a new camera she'd bought then, explained it to him in detail, and promised to let him try it. She had made a point of bringing it with her. And he loved visiting her darkroom. She had even taught him how to use it. He had always been deeply impressed by her talent, far more so than Doug, who had long since come to take it for granted.
The Parkers said they had to go back to their house then to meet some friends, and she promised to come and visit with Sam in a day or two, and encouraged them to drop by any time they wanted.
“Don't forget the Fourth!” they reminded her as she and Sam started to walk on, with Crockett dancing behind them.
“We'll be there,” she promised with a wave, as she and Sam walked away hand in hand, and Dick Parker told his wife how happy he was to see them.
“It's ridiculous that Doug doesn't want her to work,” Jenny said as they walked down the beach, thinking about India's comment to them. “She's not just some little photographer. She did some really fantastic things before they were married.”
“They have a lot of kids though,” he said, trying to see both sides of the argument. He'd always suspected that was how Doug felt about it. He rarely talked about India's photographs, and didn't make much fuss about them.
“So what?” Jenny was annoyed at the excuse, it seemed an inadequate reason to her for India not to take assignments wherever she wanted. “They could get someone to help with the kids. She can't play nursemaid forever, just to soothe his ego.”
“Okay, okay, Attila, I get it,” he teased her. “Tell Doug, don't yell at me.”
“I'm sorry.” She smiled at her husband as he put an arm around her. They had been married since their Harvard days, and were crazy about each other. “I just hate it when men take positions like that. It's so damn unfair. What if she told him to quit his job and take care of the kids? He'd think she was crazy.”
“No kidding. Tell me about it, Dr. Parker.”
“All right, all right. So Simone de Beauvoir was my role model. So kill me.”
“It's okay, you can beat me up anytime you want. I happen to love you, even if you do have strong opinions on an impressive number of subjects.”
“Would you love me if I didn't?” There was still a sparkle in her eyes when she looked at him, and it was obvious how much they loved each other.
“Probably not as much, and I'd have gotten bored years ago.” Being married to Jenny Parker had been anything but boring. The only thing he regretted about being married to her was not having had more children. But she had always been too involved in her work to have more than their son, and he was happy to have the one they did have. Their son, Phillip, was just like his mother, and they both thought he was going to make a great physician. For the moment, he was determined to go into pediatrics, and kids seemed to love him. They both felt it was a good decision.
And as they walked far down the beach, Sam was talking to his mother about the Parkers. He loved seeing them, and Dick's comments about the sailboat hadn't fallen on deaf ears.
“Did you hear about the sailboat their friends are bringing up on the Fourth?” India asked Sam, and he nodded. “It sounds like a really big one.”
“Think they'll let us go on it?” Sam asked with interest. He loved boats and this year he was going to take a sailing class at the yacht club.
“It sounds like it. Dick said he'd take us on it.” Sam's eyes were filled with excitement at the prospect, and India couldn't wait to meet Serena. She'd read two or three of her books and loved them, although she hadn't had time to read the new ones.
When they got to the end of the beach, they turned back, and walked home with their feet in the water. Sam threw the ball for the dog, and he kept retrieving it, and when they got home, the others were still out, and India made lunch, and then they took their bikes out. They rode past friends' houses, and stopped in to say hello. It felt good just being there, in a place they loved, with familiar people. It was the perfect spot for all of them. And at the last house, Sam ran into a whole group of his friends, and India agreed to let him stay for dinner. She rode back to the house alone, and when she got there, the phone was ringing. She thought it might be Doug, and hesitated for a moment before she answered. She still wasn't anxious to talk to him. But when she picked it up, it was Dick Parker.
“The Wards just called,” he told her, sounding excited. “They're coming up tomorrow. Or at least he is, with a boatful of people. She's flying in for the weekend. I wanted to let you know, so you could bring Sam over. Paul says they'll be here in the morning. We'll call you.”
“I'll tell Sam,” India promised, and then went to the kitchen to make herself some soup. As it turned out, none of the kids came home for dinner. But at least they all called to tell her. She felt completely at ease about their independent movements. It was one of the things she liked most about being at the Cape. It was a safe community of people she knew and trusted. There were virtually no strangers, and hardly ever summer renters. The people who owned houses here loved it too much to go anywhere else. It was one of the reasons Doug never wanted to go to Europe, and in some ways she couldn't blame him, although she longed to travel with him and the children.
And when Sam came home that night she told him about the sailboat arriving in the morning. “They promised to call us as soon as it gets here.”
“I hope they don't forget,” Sam said, looking worried, as she tucked him into bed, and kissed him goodnight, and promised him she was sure they wouldn't forget to call them.
The others came home shortly after that. She made lemonade and popcorn for them, and they sat on the deck chatting and laughing, until finally one by one they went off to bed. Doug didn't call that night, and she didn't call him either. It was a relief to have some time to herself, and after the kids were asleep, she disappeared into her darkroom. It was late when she finally went back to her bedroom, and she looked out at the full moon over the ocean. There were a million stars in the sky. It was a perfect night, in a place she loved, and for a moment she missed Doug. Maybe it would have been nice after all if he'd been there, despite their recent differences, and his depressing outlook on marriage. She didn't want to be a “reliable companion” to him, she hated the thought of it. She wanted to be the woman he loved, and still dreamed of. And it was hard to believe even now that he thought so little of that. Maybe he hadn't really meant what he said that night, she told herself hopefully, as she looked at the night sky, and began to get sleepy. He couldn't have meant it …could he? Was it all as cut and dried to him as he had said? She wanted to be so much more than a reliable caretaker for his children. She wanted to run down the beach with him hand in hand in the moonlight, and lie on the sand and kiss, as they had when they were young in Costa Rica. He couldn't have forgotten all that, couldn't have drifted so far from all their early dreams while she wasn't looking. What had happened to the young man he had been then, when they met, twenty years before? Their time in the Peace Corps had all been a kind of aberration for him, and twenty years had changed him into someone very different. He was not the same person he had been. He had grown up, he said. But in doing so, he had missed something … he had lost someone she had loved so much. Enough to give up a whole life for. And she had changed too, but not enough to forget all she had been. It was a shame, for both of them. And as she thought of it, she fell asleep, and didn't wake again until morning.