“I’m making pasta,” she said as she began working with the dough.
This was usual y the part where she would invite me to stay for
dinner. She always did that. But I hadn’t gotten one invitation since she got back. The only time we sat down for a meal was her first night home and during our Sunday night family dinner. The thought of having to sit around their dinner table the fol owing evening made me uneasy. There were too many unanswered questions.
I decided to not dance around the subject. “Are you keeping
something from me?”
Macal an stopped cold. I knew it.
“What are you talking about?” She threw some flour on the dough
and turned around so I couldn’t see her face.
“I think there’s something going on with you. You’re doing that
thing you do.”
She tried to play it off lightly. “Cook? Yep, this is what I do now, Levi. Call in the detectives!” She laughed, but it was self-conscious, almost calculated laughter. She wanted me to brush it all off and move on.
Unfortunately for her, I wasn’t going to do that.
Enough was enough.
“Come on, Macal an. I’m not an idiot. You’ve been distant. Our
parents are talking to each other all the time. What would they have to talk about it if wasn’t one of us?”
“I don’t know. They’re friends — aren’t friends al owed to talk?
Stop making it some conspiracy theory. Friends talk.”
“Yes, friends talk. But that’s not what you and I have been doing.”
She ignored me and continued to roll out the dough. “Can you stop 186
for a second, sit down, and talk to me? Please?” I moved a chair for her to sit down next to me.
She hesitated. She never used to be so calculating around me.
Macal an sat down with a towel in her hands. She methodical y
wiped the flour off her hands, still refusing eye contact.
“Macal an, can you please tell me what’s going on? You’ve been
acting different since you’ve gotten back, like I make you uncomfortable now.”
She final y looked at me, and she looked scared. “It’s only . . . I had a lot of time to think in Ireland. And things have been different since I’ve been back. I have been different. It’s just that, I guess, it’s . . .” She looked down. “Levi, I think our friendship has been through a lot lately, so I don’t want to add any more tension, seriously. Can we not do this right now? Please.”
I wanted to give her some space, but wasn’t eight weeks in
another country enough? Frustration started pouring over me. I’d always been truthful to Macal an, but I couldn’t help but feel that she was lying to me. Again.
I’d been so concerned about Macal an and her feelings, but what
about mine? It had hurt me when she went away. I had tried to give her everything I thought she wanted — my time, my attention — and it still hadn’t been enough.
But this time it wasn’t on me. She was the one who left. She was the one who wasn’t around. She was the one who was canceling on me.
I had been there the entire time waiting for her to come back. But I still felt like she was gone.
And I was tired of waiting.
“You abandoned me.” The words flew out so fast I didn’t have a
chance to catch them. “I confessed my feelings for you and you just 187
walked out and abandoned me. Do you have any idea how much
that hurt me? But I gave you your space and didn’t say anything
because I hoped once you got back, everything would be okay
between us. But they’re not. I don’t know what else to do because I’m not the one acting weird.”
“Oh, real y?” Her voice rose sharply. “You’re turning this on me?
Yes, you confessed your feelings to me. You left this huge door open.
Then I come home to find it slammed in my face.”
“A door? What door did I slam in your face? I couldn’t wait for you to get home!”
Instead of yel ing back at me, her voice wavered. “The entire time I was in Ireland, I thought of you. You certainly gave me a lot to think about. And I did, Levi. A lot. I wanted to make this work between us.
So much. I got off the plane thinking we’d have this happy ending.
And then I had the rug pul ed from under me. I think all the time about when the plane was landing in Chicago. How different things are now compared to what I thought they’d be. How foolish I’d been.
So yes, Levi, I’m not there for you as much, but you’re not here, either.”
“Are you kidding me? I’ve been here the entire time, Macal an.
You were the one who left. Left me. And you’re the one who’s been ignoring me. I waited months for you to return, and you’re here, but you’re not real y here. So just tell me what you want from me because I’m tired of guessing and tired of feeling like I can never satisfy you.
So please, enlighten me.”
She opened her mouth, then closed it. Her gaze was transfixed