Thirty-Four
It was almost six o’clock when Cole arrived at the hospital the next evening with Natalie in tow. They had called Daria on the cell phone to let her know they were running late, and she was already in the Neonatal ICU nursery when they arrived. She had nursed Nicole, changed her diaper, and carried her over to a cozy seating area when she heard Natalie’s voice in the anteroom. Through the large window, she could see the excitement on Cole’s face as he ushered the little girl in and showed her how to wash her hands at the sink. One of the Neonatal ICU nurses gave her a tiny sterile gown to don over her clothes. When she was properly attired, she and Cole hurried to the vinyl-covered settee where Daria sat holding the baby.
“Now remember what we talked about, Nattie,” Cole said quietly. “You have to be very quiet because some of the other babies are sleeping. And we don’t want to scare our baby either.”
“Our Nikki,” she corrected him.
“That’s right. Our Nikki.”
“Come on, Mommy’s waiting.”
Natalie spotted Daria across the room and ran full speed toward her. When she got close enough to see the baby lying on Daria’s lap, she skidded to a stop and tiptoed with exaggerated steps over to their side.
“Ooh! She’s teeny!” Natalie exclaimed, holding out one finger to touch the baby on the head.
Daria fought back tears and put her free arm around Natalie. “Oh, Nattie! Honey, you’ve grown a foot! What has Grammy been feeding you?”
“Just some food, Mommy,” she said, hands on hips.
Cole and Daria laughed, and Cole sat down beside her, pulling Natalie up to sit between them.
Natalie leaned heavily on her mother and touched the baby’s feet through the thin blanket she was wrapped in.
“Do you want to see her toes?” Cole asked.
Natalie grinned and nodded, and Cole reached over to Daria’s lap and carefully disentangled the baby’s feet from the blanket.
Immediately Natalie touched a tiny toe and began a singsong recitation. “Dis liddle piggy went to market… dis liddle piggy stayed home…”
Daria looked over Natalie’s head to smile at Cole. But instead of the return smile she expected, she saw that he was crying. Tears coursed down his cheeks, and he made no attempt to wipe them away.
Nate maneuvered his father’s car into a narrow space in the hospital’s parking garage and checked the car clock before he turned off the ignition. Even though he was still getting used to driving a car again, it hadn’t taken him quite as long to get here as he’d thought it would. He locked the car and entered the building that housed the Neonatal ICU. He was eager to see Natalie again. And Daria. He knew her most important task right now was taking care of herself and her newborn daughter, but he was growing anxious to get their situation straightened out. The three of them—he and Daria and Cole—needed to sit down and decide what they were going to do. He didn’t think Cole Hunter or Daria wished to solve their dilemma in court any more than he did. But in spite of the many nights he’d lain awake turning the endless possibilities over in his mind, in spite of the hours he had spent reading the Bible, seeking answers, he didn’t have a clue how this would all work itself out. The passages of Scripture that had spoken so strongly to him that night in his room continued to sustain him, though he wasn’t sure exactly why. He was only grateful for the remarkable peace that continued to hold him up.
He neared the Neonatal ICU and deliberately slowed his pace. He was a little nervous about seeing Daria, never knowing quite how to act with her. Wiping moist palms on his khakis, he pulled his sleeves down over his scarred forearms and ran a hand through his close-cropped hair, checking his reflection in the window that separated the waiting area from the Neonatal ICU.
Looking past his reflected image in the glass, he spotted Daria’s pale head across the room. He started walking into the outer room, knowing he was not allowed into the nursery without washing and gowning. He looked around for a nurse who could let Daria know he was here, but finding no one, he looked through the window hoping to get Daria’s attention.
He craned his neck to see across the room full of Isolettes and medical equipment. There they were. And Colson Hunter was with them. He hadn’t counted on that. He moved into the shadows where he wouldn’t be seen, but where he could still watch them.
He couldn’t actually see the baby from his vantage point, but Daria had a flannel bundle on her lap that was squirming, apparently much to Natalie’s delight. Cole sat close to Daria and, though Nate couldn’t hear their voices, he could see that Natalie and Cole were in deep conversation, apparently about the baby. Now Natalie leaned over to kiss the bundle, then stood to say something that made Daria and Cole laugh.
A sick feeling started in the pit of Nate’s stomach. It was as though he was being shown a snapshot of a happy little family. One that had nothing to do with him. Yes, it was his daughter—his flesh and blood—at the center of the tight knot, but he could see with his eyes, and feel in his heart, that Natalie was where she belonged. Her joy was obvious. Her love for Colson Hunter—and his for her—was clear.
The Scripture passages began to churn in his mind. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
What was God trying to show him? He was terrified that deep in his heart he knew the answer. God, would you ask that of me? Would you really expect me to make such a sacrifice?
Another fragment of Scripture came to him. Nevertheless, not my will but thine.
No. I can’t do it, Lord. It’s too much!
He leaned heavily against the doorjamb, still watching the happy family scene being played out behind the glass. His return, while a deliverance from captivity and an answer to prayer for him, had wreaked havoc in Daria’s life and his daughter’s. Daria could not have known all those months that he was alive, that he would return. Certainly after so much time had gone by, she had a right to seek a new life, even to seek someone who could be a father for her daughter, his child.
As if to confirm his thoughts, through the window he saw Natalie climb up onto Cole Hunter’s lap and wrap her arms around his neck. Hunter had innocently loved his wife and daughter and provided them with a Christian home. And now this new child had truly bound them together as a family. Already Natalie was smitten with her sister. He thought of his own sister, Betsy, and the deep affection they shared. Would he deny his daughter that relationship with little Nicole? Certainly not intentionally, but if he were to claim even a fraction of Natalie’s time, that time would wrench her from the only family she’d ever known.
There was a simple solution to the dilemma they’d all found themselves in, and as he began to see quite clearly what that solution was, he felt his knees buckle under him. He put his hand on the wall beside the door and steadied himself. He knew what God wanted him to do. Though it would break his heart, though it hurt so deeply he could scarcely bear it. Yet he knew without a shred of doubt that it was the right thing to do.
He closed his eyes. Help me, Lord. Give me your strength.
He pushed the door open and knocked gently on the doorjamb, trying to get their attention.
Natalie saw him first.
“Nate! Daddy Nate! Come see our new baby!”
Daria looked up, and an expression of utter sadness crossed her face. But she bent to tell Natalie something, and the little girl navigated the labyrinth of bassinets and came to stand beside Nate in the doorway. He looked back to Daria, who transferred the baby to Cole’s arms and came to stand near him by the door.
Nate squatted down beside his daughter. “Hi, honey.”
“Are you gonna come see our baby, Nikki?” she asked again.
He swallowed hard and ran a hand over his face before he spoke. “I don’t think so, Natalie. Not tonight. Grandma and Grandpa Camfield are waiting for us at home.” He scooped her into his arms and stood up, whispering in her ear. “I think Grandma is making us macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight.”
That information was met with a loud whoop, totally inappropriate for the halls of a hospital.
“Nattie!” Daria laughed uneasily.
“Is it okay if I take her now?” he asked Daria.
“Sure,” she said nodding gently. “I’m going to stay for Nikki’s last feeding tonight. Would you let your mom know I won’t be there to pick up Nattie till late?”
Nate nodded and cleared his throat. “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about. Could we talk when you come tonight?”
“Okay,” she said simply, but her eyes asked a thousand questions.
He couldn’t offer any more right then. He had to think this through. He needed some time.
“I’ll see you later,” he told her.
“All right, Nate. I’ll try not to be too late.”
Daria went for Natalie’s bag, and when she’d kissed her daughter goodbye, Nate picked Natalie up and carried her to the parking garage, committing the feel of her light frame in his arms to memory.
It was after ten when Nate heard Daria’s car on the drive. He’d been in the kitchen listening for her car for an hour, when he’d finally convinced his parents to go to bed. He knew how devastated they would be by the decision he’d made, and he didn’t want to deal with their reaction until after he had talked to Daria.
He went through the garage and out to the drive to meet her, turning on the outside light as he went. He opened her car door for her.
“Hi, Nate,” she said. “I’m sorry it’s so late.”
“The baby’s okay?”
“She’s doing fine. They might even let her come home tomorrow.”
“That’s good.”
“Natalie’s asleep?”
He nodded. “Do you want to go sit on the terrace? It’s pretty warm out tonight.”
“Sure.” Again those aching questions in her blue eyes.
She followed him around the house and through the side gate, and Nate pulled a chair up to the table for her beside his.
The moon was only a sliver in the sky, but a nearby street lamp cast a warm glow over them. He looked into her face and wasn’t sure he could do what he meant to do. His love for her was as strong as it had been that day he’d said goodbye to her in Colombia and followed Tados and Quimico into the rain forest. The urge to take her hand was strong, but he kept his hands in his lap.
She sat waiting, gazing across the lawn.
“Daria,” he began, “I’ve made a decision that I need to tell you about. It might affect the decisions you will be making soon and”—he took a deep breath—“I need to ask you, Daria, do you love Cole?”
“Yes, Nate. I do,” she said quietly. “But, oh, Nate, I love you, too! I love you both. I know you might not think that’s possible, but it’s true! I love both of you.”
He held up a hand to silence her. He hadn’t meant to make Daria defend her love for either of them. He only wanted to hear from her own lips that what he had seen pass between her and Colson Hunter in the nursery was truly love, the kind of deep, committed love he and Daria had had for each other in their brief marriage. “I believe you, Daria. I can see that you are happy with him, that he is a good man. I—Well, as you can imagine, that’s not easy for me to acknowledge. But the Lord has been speaking to me over the last few days, and I think I know what I’m supposed to do.”
She waited, looking intently at him.
“I’m going back to Colombia, Daria.”
“Oh, Nate,” she gasped, cupping her hands to her mouth.
But he continued. “I know my work there isn’t finished. And I think it’s best for you—and especially for Natalie—if I go. I’m not sure what has to happen legally before I go, but I want you to know that I won’t stand in the way of your happiness—”
“No, Nate! You were never in the way of my happiness. You were my happiness.” She started to cry.
“I can’t tell you what to do, how to live your life, but I want you to know that I give you my blessing to stay with Cole. He’s made Natalie happy. He’s made you happy, and my presence here can’t do that anymore. I’m only an obstacle.”
“No, Nate, please. You mustn’t think that.”
“Daria, I didn’t mean that to sound so martyrlike. It’s just the way things are.”
She started to speak, but he cut her off. “Please, Daria. Let me finish. I know I’m doing the right thing. I won’t sit here and tell you it’s easy. But the right thing isn’t always the easy thing.”
He stood up and walked to the edge of the terrace. He looked into the sky and, at the smudged edge of the street lamp’s glow, he found a cluster of stars. A lump rose in his throat, and he wondered if she remembered their last night together in Colombia. Did a starry sky make her think of him the way it would forever make him think of her? He turned to look at her and saw that she, too, was gazing at the dark southern corner of the sky. Neither of them spoke of it, and yet he felt certain that at that moment, their thoughts were one.
“I’m going to begin making arrangements to return to Timoné as soon as possible, Daria. I’ll stay long enough to do whatever needs to be done to make this all legal. Cole should have a father’s say where Natalie is concerned since I’ll be so far away. I—” He swallowed hard. He didn’t want this to become maudlin. “I want to be a part of Natalie’s life as much as I can from afar. I’d like to write to her, and see her whenever I come home. And please, I want my parents and Betsy to be allowed plenty of time with her. This won’t be easy for them, especially for Mom.”
Daria was weeping openly now, but she nodded her agreement.
“I’ll talk to Dad about the legal end of things. I—”
“Oh, Nate,” she sobbed, “I’m so sorry. I do love Cole, Nate. But my decision to marry him was—rash. I wasn’t seeking God’s direction, and now look at the heartache it’s brought us. Oh, Nate, if you only knew how wrong I was. If only I’d sought God the way you have—”
“Don’t, Daria. Don’t make me out to be a saint. You don’t know the things I had to beg forgiveness for before God brought me to this decision. I’m human, Daria. I’ve had my struggles.”
“It doesn’t matter, Nate. You obeyed. You did what was right. I’d give anything to be able to go back and do the same. I’m so sorry, Nate.” It came out in a sob.
He sat down at the table with her, and this time he took both of her hands in his. He bowed his head as she did the same. “O Lord, this has been so hard…so hard. But we know that you can make even this into something good. Please do that now, Father. We’ve both confessed our mistakes. We are sorry, God, for what’s happened, for our part in it. But we know that you are a God of grace. We ask for your grace to us now. Direct us and guide us in the days to come. Help us to make wise decisions. Above all, Father, let us seek your direction as we sort this out. God—” He struggled again for control. “God, please don’t let the tragic things that have happened over the last few weeks leave scars on Natalie or on little Nicole. Heal those wounds by your blood, Father. Let these children grow up strong and whole. Let their hearts always be soft toward you.” He squeezed Daria’s hands, feeling stronger for having prayed.
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and whispered two words, but for him those two words held a lifetime of meaning—“Thank you.”