Eleven
“What’s wrong?” His voice was rough, and his brow was etched with worry, but his eyes held a deep tenderness.
“It’s just…I…” She bit her lip then put her head in her hands with a sigh of exasperation. “Oh, Cole, I don’t know if we should be doing this. I’m not sure I…” She raked her hands through her hair in defeat.
“Do you want me to take you home?” He sounded hurt.
“No, but…can we talk?”
“Uh, I don’t know if you noticed,” he said wryly, “but I’ve been trying to talk since I rang your doorbell.”
She looked at him, saw the glint in his eyes, and couldn’t help but grin. The tension eased a little. “I’m sorry. I’m having a thousand reservations about this whole thing.”
“This date?”
She nodded.
“Like…?”
“Can I be really honest, Cole?”
“Please.”
“Okay. Like should I be dating my boss? I can’t afford to lose my job, Cole. What if you hate me after tonight?” She gathered steam, her words tumbling out as she listed her concerns. “Like, has it been long enough since…Nate died? Have I given myself enough time to get over him, and if not, is it fair to you? And what about Natalie? If things were to get serious between us, I don’t know how you feel about—”
“Okay, I get the picture,” he interrupted. “How about this? Number one”—he held up a finger—“I promise not to fire you for at least a couple of months.”
She smiled, but she was frustrated that he seemed to be taking this so lightly. He seemed to read her mind, for he shifted in his seat, and his next words were dead serious.
“Daria, I do understand about Nate. If you’ll remember, I’ve been down that road. I promise we’ll take it nice and slow until you’re sure you’re ready for more than just friendship. And as for Natalie, she’s an angel. She doesn’t scare me one bit.”
Daria smiled, feeling at ease again.
As they drove into Wichita, the sun was sinking behind the city’s spare skyline. Cole took the Kellogg exit and turned west, maneuvering through the evening’s heavy traffic.
He turned to her suddenly. “How ’bout we do a drive-through instead of the restaurant? I’ve got an idea.”
She nodded, curious, but grateful. She was in no mood to be in public.
He exited on West Street and drove past its mecca of fast-food joints. “Want to stick with Mexican?”
“Um, sure, it sounds good.”
He changed lanes and turned into the Taco Bell drive-through, ordered for both of them, then headed north again after they got their food.
He drove to Zoo Boulevard, past the huge empty parking lot of the Sedgwick County Zoo, and turned into another nearby lot that served a nature park and walking paths.
He cut the engine, unbuckled his seat belt, and turned toward her to dole out tacos and chips. He stripped the paper off a straw and stuck it in her Diet Coke, handing it to her. Then he took her left hand in his and bowed his head.
“Lord, please bless this food, bless our time together, and please, Lord, please, help Daria think of something to say so I don’t have to carry the conversation this entire evening.” He peered up at her through half-closed eyes, a mischievous, lopsided grin on his lips.
Head still bowed, she let go of his hand and whopped him on the arm, grinning madly. “Amen,” she said, feeling better by the minute.
“Okay, let’s hear it,” he said, peeling the wrapper off a taco. “Talk to me.”
She took a sip of her drink. “It’s a lot of things, Cole.”
She looked at him, unsure of how much she should open up.
But he persisted now. “Daria, let’s just get it all out in the open. Let’s be totally honest with each other and not hold anything back. Then we’ll know where we both stand and where to go from there. Okay?”
He sat waiting for her, his taco dripping salsa down his hand.
She handed him a napkin, took another sip of her Coke, and tried to think of how to begin.
“Okay,” she said finally. “I think mostly it’s… I’m just not sure I’m ready to date again. Every time I’m with you, Cole, I can’t help but think about Nathan. It’s not that I have you mixed up with him or anything, but the same things that attracted me to Nate are the things I like so much about you.”
He raised one eyebrow coyly. “I like the sound of this. So what exactly is it that you like so much about me?”
“You know, for someone who wanted to put everything out on the table, you sure aren’t making this easy for me.” But now she was glad for a little levity, glad that they were finding the easy manner they’d always had with each other.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re right. Go on. We’ll get back to why you like me in due time.”
She smiled, acknowledging his wisecrack, but plunged ahead, wanting to get this over with. “I know Nate is gone, Cole. I’m not in denial. I know he would have wanted me to go on with my life and not grieve too long for him. But it doesn’t seem quite right—or fair to you—when I feel as though he’s”—she struggled to find the word—“present. It’s almost like he’s here now, between us.”
“I don’t believe in ghosts, Daria.”
“No, of course not. I don’t mean it that way. But the feelings I have for you are so close to what I had with Nate. You tease me or say something funny, and I can’t help but think of the way Nate used to do that.”
He looked at her intently, seeming to drink in every word. “Is that so terrible, Daria? Your husband was a huge part of your life—your other half. From what you’ve told me, you had a great marriage. It’s only natural that you think of him often. That doesn’t threaten me. I don’t think it should.”
She cocked her head. “Really? Do you…do you think of your wife that way?”
He dipped his head, ran a hand through his hair. “It’s a little different for me, Daria. For one thing, it’s been a lot longer. Bridgette’s been gone for over five years now. Time has a way of erasing a lot of things. And we had some rough times at the end. I don’t know how much you know…”
She waited, not wanting to tell him what she’d heard, wanting his own version of the story.
“You probably heard that Bridgette killed herself.” It wasn’t a question.
“Carla said they didn’t know for sure.”
“Well, that’s true enough. I don’t even know, Daria. I still don’t know for sure. I came home from work one night, and the car was running in the garage. She was sitting inside, the radio on. I honestly don’t know if it was an accident or not. I-I’d like to think that she was listening to a talk show or something that caught her interest, and she just didn’t realize what was happening. It was cold outside, so maybe she let the car run to keep warm.”
His voice was trembling now, and his face took on a troubled expression. “I’d like to think that’s what happened,” he went on. “But Bridgette was very intelligent. And she was always so cautious about things like that. If she caught a whiff of gas from the furnace, she wouldn’t rest until the gas company came out and assured her it was safe. Things like that. I think deep down I know that her death wasn’t an accident.” He said it as though it might be the first time he’d admitted it aloud.
“Oh, Cole,” she said.
He looked up, and his eyes found hers. “It’s okay, Daria. Like I said, time has healed a lot of the wounds. It was horrible at first. I wasn’t sure I was going to survive. People seemed to blame me for not doing enough, for not seeing her pain—rumors can be so vicious. And I felt guilty. Bridgette was dealing with—well, a lot of junk.” He swallowed hard. “I should have known something was wrong. But you do what you have to do to get through. You, of all people, know how that is. But God has been with me through it all. I have peace about it. I really do, even if the very worst is true.”
She nodded.
“Daria—” He started to say something else, then shook his head as if to ward off the gloom his words had brought over them. Then he started gathering up the empty wrappers from their dinner. “Do you want to walk for a while?” he asked finally.
“Sure,” she said, relieved for the change of subject.
He got out and locked his door behind him, tossed the Taco Bell bags into a nearby trash bin, and went around to open her door. They buttoned up their jackets as they walked across a small playground to catch the trail. They’d only gone a couple hundred yards when the trail disappeared under a canopy of trees. The air grew instantly cooler and smelled of pine needles and damp earth. The path circled a shimmering lake, and Daria felt as though she’d walked out of the plains of Kansas onto a Colorado mountain trail.
“I didn’t even know this was here,” she told him, enchanted by the surprise.
“Best kept secret.”
It was dusk and, except for a few teenagers on in-line skates and a bicyclist now and then, they had the trail to themselves. As they walked companionably, Daria watched Cole. She had admired him for the way he had overcome the deep sorrow of his past, for the strength of his faith. He could have wallowed in the tragedy life handed him, but instead he had allowed God to heal him. And tonight she was seeing yet another side of him and she liked what she saw—the way he’d been so thoughtful of her feelings, so sensitive to her struggles. So selfless. So much like Nate.
She must have cringed at the thought because Cole turned to her, concern in his eyes.
“Something wrong?”
She shook her head, not wanting to tell him.
“What is it?”
She hesitated. “Just Nate intruding again.”
He stopped walking and reached out to touch her arm. “Daria, don’t let it bother you. I’m not offended. Is it so terrible that I remind you of someone you loved deeply?”
The glint in his eyes assuaged her guilt.
“Speaking of which,” he ventured with a sly grin, “you were going to tell me all the things you liked about me.”
“You just don’t give up, do you?”
“Huh-uh, no way.”
They followed the trail until it circled back to the car. The sun was sinking fast, the trees above reflecting a blaze of gold and orange. The air had turned chilly, and Daria shivered involuntarily.
“You cold?”
“A little,” she admitted.
“Here.” He took off the light jacket he wore and put it around her shoulders.
“Do you still want to see a movie?”
“Would you mind if we don’t?”
“Not at all. Are you ready to go home?”
She nodded, grateful that he understood. “But I’ve really enjoyed the evening, Cole.”
“Me, too—once we got going.”
They were quiet as they drove out of the city, each lost in their separate thoughts. But when they were on the interstate again, they talked all the way back to Bristol. They discussed movies they wanted to see, books they’d read. They talked about Natalie and about the veterinary clinic. And when Cole walked her to the door, she grinned up at him, and her heart filled with emotion. She’d been so lonely. But tonight she’d made a wonderful friend. He was a good man. And she knew they’d turned a corner.
She wasn’t head over heels in love with him—yet. But she knew there would be time for them to work out all the questions they had, to explore the possibilities for their relationship.
She went into a silent house and stood over Natalie’s empty crib, and her heart ached with longing to hold her baby. She climbed into bed and stared at Nathan’s photograph for a long time, engulfed by memories. Then she thought of Cole, and she knew that underneath the ache, her heart was mending, thread by fragile thread.