Chapter 23
I slipped out the cafeteria door into the brightly lit hallway. Instead of going into the bathroom though, I headed out of the side doors toward an outdoor seating area. I sucked in the fresh night air and hugged my arms to fend off the autumn chill. Since the school sits on top of a hill, I had a pretty good view of the city lights.
A shuffle sound to my left caught my attention. I peeked around the corner of the building and saw the silhouette of a guy sitting on the grass alone, his face buried in his hands. I was too far away to judge his emotions, but I thought something might be wrong.
I walked slowly toward him. When I got within fifteen feet, he must have heard my footsteps and his head snapped up. It was Cane Matthews.
He jumped to his feet and held the wall of the school for support. He appeared to be tipsy. The expression on his face was one of shock, all round, glassy eyes and paleness. His mouth opened as if to say something, but no words came out.
“Cane…” I said, not knowing what to say to him. Ever since the accident, I got the distinct impression that he hated me, or at least hated looking at me.
“Oh, Cady,” he replied breathlessly. “You scared me. You’re wearing her dress.”
For the briefest of moments, he must have thought I was my sister. I continued walking forward, but once I stepped within range of his emotions, my stomach clenched up so tightly that I almost doubled over. He was a one-man hurricane of sorrow. I would’ve expected sadness, but the overwhelming guilt shocked me. What does he have to feel guilty about? My hands shook and the muscles in my shoulders compressed.
“It hurts to look at you,” he said, stepping up so close I could smell the booze on his breath. He reached up with his finger and traced my bottom lip.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, although whether I meant I was sorry for my looks or sorry for his loss, I couldn’t tell.
“I always thought you were prettier though,” he continued, his words slurring slightly. “Bet you never knew that. You’re so natural and carefree. Lony was so…polished.” He spit it out like a dirty word.
I trembled under the weight of the icy waves coming off his skin, and his drunkenness was making me dizzy. I thought about blocking him, but I didn’t want to give myself a blinding migraine and ruin the rest of my night.
Cane tightened his fists by his sides. “Don’t get me wrong, I cared about your sister. I did. But I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t take the fighting all the time.”
“W-what are you saying, Cane?”
He didn’t answer right away. His green eyes glazed with alcohol roamed over my face as if committing it to memory. Finally, he whispered, “I did something unforgivable.”
What in the hell is he talking about? My abdominal muscles ached from the tension between us, and pressure built up behind my eyes. I put my hand on the bricks of the building to keep myself upright and allowed my mind to flick back to that night.
I could see them walking along the tracks. I couldn’t hear their words, but Lony was gesturing wildly. She kept stopping like she wanted him to also, but he never did. He kept walking ahead of her with his hands jammed in his pockets, so she would have to rush to catch up. When the headlight on the train swept around the corner, both faces looked up in shock. At that point, a good twenty feet separated them. Cane moved first, jumping off the tracks. When Lony stood frozen, he turned back yelling at her to move. Lony snapped out of it and tried to flee, but her sandal caught on a rail and she fell down. Cane ran back toward her, but he was too late.
I squeezed my eyes to keep the tears from escaping. “Cane, I saw it. I remember every detail. You are not responsible for Lony getting hit by the train.”
He shook his head. His drunken dizziness slipped over me, making my head spin.
“You don’t understand,” he argued through clenched teeth, tugging on his hair in frustration. Now, anger filled him, adding to the mix. The cold burn of it filled my veins with ice water, causing me to hold the wall of the building for support. Cane turned on his heel and started in the direction of the parking lot.
“Cane, wait!” I yelled.
When he ignored me, I ran after him as quickly as my delicate shoes would allow, catching up to him just as he approached his truck. I grabbed his wrist as he reached for the door handle.
Cane spun me around and pressed my back up against the cold metal door. One arm was wrapped around my back, clutching my hair with his fist. The other hand pressed against the driver door, trapping me in place.
“It should have been me!” he hissed, his eyes moist with unshed tears.
The ferocity of his emotions froze me to the bone. My teeth chattered audibly.
“I f*cked up, and it should have been me. If I hadn’t…” He trailed off.
“If you hadn’t what, Cane?” my voice shook. “There was nothing you could have done. What, do you wish you would’ve thrown yourself on the tracks too?”
“Maybe I should have! She didn’t deserve to die like that, with her heart broken.”
“What are you talking about?” My body trembled with the cold pulsing off of him. My headache was reaching migraine levels and causing my vision to blur. I couldn’t have blocked him now if I tried.
“I broke up with her,” Cane said through gritted teeth. “I told her that it was over, that I didn’t love her.”
I gasped, but couldn’t form any words.
“We were walking behind you guys, and she started in on me because she thought I was paying more attention to Carly Smith in the parking lot than to her.” His grip on my hair relaxed a bit, but he didn’t let me go.
I remembered the red-head from the parking lot.
“Lon was just mad because Carly and I know people that she didn’t, and she felt excluded by our conversation. I get that, but we’d been having the same sort of arguments repeatedly for months, and I was tired of it. Just because I talk to another girl, it doesn’t mean I’m interested in them. Carly is my second cousin, by the way, not that Lony asked before jumping to conclusions.”
Talking about that night seemed to be helping him, and I wondered if I was the first person he admitted any of this to. I had the distinct impression that I was somehow absorbing his anger. The waves of his emotions were still as cold, but were coming less intense now. Only in the places where he touched me did I feel any warmth at all. I leaned against him, drawn like a cat to a sunny spot.
“So, you broke up with her?”
“Yes,” he admitted. He bent to rest his forehead against mine. “I’m so sorry, Cady. I’m so sorry she had to die knowing that I didn’t want her anymore. And then people were so supportive and nice to me thinking I’d lost my girlfriend. It made everything a million times worse.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt about Cane’s confession. On one hand, the thought of Lony’s last moments being ones of pain broke my heart. I thought back to those minutes that I’d experienced before passing out. I remember that feeling of loss. At the time, I thought it was the loss of her life that had her so sorrowful, but now, I could see a whole different side to what must have been going through her head.
But another part of me understood how Cane felt and longed to comfort his sorrow away. Lony’s death was not his fault, and he’d had every right to break up with her if he wanted to. I never understood how they handled all of the stress from their bickering anyway. Perhaps it was due to the contact of our bodies making the emotional connection between us so strong, but I could feel how his guilt was tearing him up inside. I couldn’t be angry with him for hurting my sister. Not when he was hurting too. I reached my arms around his shoulders to pull him to me. He crumpled against me, burying his face into my shoulder.
After a moment, my friendly hug turned into a different kind of embrace. The full length of him was pressed against me, trapping me between his muscled body and the steel door of his truck. Our breathing grew shallow, and I was too aware of our hearts beating in unison. For the second time that night, my traitorous body echoed the stirrings of another’s arousal. The heat of his growing passion flowed through me, awakening a need deep in my belly. My mouth dropped open in shock just as Cane leaned in and kissed me deeply. I couldn’t fight my body’s response to his hot mouth, faintly tasting of vodka. For one moment, I allowed myself to kiss him back, letting my tongue match the rhythmic movements of his, trailing my fingers down the strong plane of his broad back. The feedback of our completed circuit of emotions threatened to carry me away…until I remembered Bryan. I brought my fists up to push against Cane’s chest.
“Stop!” I cried, twisting my body to get out from the jail of his arms.
Cane snapped his head back in surprise as if just realizing what he did. The drunken glaze was completely gone from his eyes. He let go of me and stumbled back.
“Oh, Jesus, Cady. I’m sorry!”
Both of us had tears in our eyes. I felt a new remorse flood in alongside his original guilt. Without the heat of his body, the sharp coldness returned making my insides shiver.
“It’s alright, Cane.” I reached for his arm to comfort him, but he flinched away. Suddenly, an emotion hit me in the chest, causing me to stumble back against the truck. The freeze was so intense that when I gasped, a plume of fog came out of my mouth. Even if I had not been able to feel it, one look at Cane’s face told me what it was…self-hatred.
He shoved me out of the way and climbed into his pick-up.
“Cane, I don’t think you’re in any condition to drive.” I tried to reach for his keys, but he slammed the door in my face.
“Cane!” I yelled, beating on the window with my fists. “Don’t go! At least let me drive you!”
He lowered the window and fixed a hostile glare on me. “What? Are you afraid I’ll get into an accident? Maybe kill myself? It’s no less than I deserve.”
“Don’t talk like that! If you want to go home, I’ll take you. Let me in.”
“No, Cady. Home’s the last place I want to go.” With that he closed the window and threw the truck in gear. He tore out of the parking lot, his wheels spinning a black mark on the pavement.
I stood there immobile, my body rapidly warming with him out of my presence. But I couldn’t let Cane go off like that. What if he hurt himself? I tried to concentrate on whether any of his emotions indicated he was suicidal, but I couldn’t tell. Once again, I cursed the fact that my abilities didn’t allow me to read minds like Jinx. Jinx! I turned and ran to the building. The high school was on the edge of her range, but Cane must have been broadcasting loud enough for her to pick up on his thoughts in the parking lot.
Back inside the dance, the flashing lights and hard thumping bass attacked my aching head. Across the room, Bryan looked surprised when he saw me rush in, but I ignored him and ran straight to the coat racks to fish my cell phone out of my pocket.
“Cady, what's wrong?” Bryan asked, coming up alongside me.
Ignoring his concern, I dialed Jinx’s number. “Crap! I can’t hear in here!”
I rushed back to the doors with Bryan on my heels.
“Jinx! Can you hear me?” I asked, tears springing to my eyes. I blinked them away before they could spill.
“Not sure if he’s suicidal or not,” she answered without me having to ask the question, “but he’s headed out to the Mines of Spain.”
“Oh, no!” I said, “He’s been drinking. He could get hurt out there.”
“Do you want me to take you out to get him?”
I looked over at Bryan. “No, I’ll have Bryan take me. Thanks.” I hung up. Turning to Bryan, “Cane’s in trouble, and someone needs to go get him.”
Bryan nodded. “Let me go get Aaron and Monica.”