Yale Club
“What are the rules for a sweater vest?” Van Patten asks the table.
“What do you mean?” McDermott furrows his brow, takes a sip of Absolut.
“Yes,” I say. “Clarify.”
“Well, is it strictly informal—”
“Or can it be worn with a suit?” I interrupt, finishing his sentence.
“Exactly.” He smiles.
“Well, according to Bruce Boyer—” I begin.
“Wait.” Van Patten stops me. “Is he with Morgan Stanley?”
“No.” I smile. “He’s not with Morgan Stanley.”
“Wasn’t he a serial killer?” McDermott asks suspiciously, then moans. “Don’t tell me he was another serial killer, Bateman. Not another serial killer.”
“No, McDufus, he wasn’t a serial killer,” I say, turning back to Van Patten, but before continuing turn back to McDermott. “That really pisses me off.”
“But you always bring them up,” McDermott complains. “And always in this casual, educational sort of way. I mean, I don’t want to know anything about Son of Sam or the f*cking Hillside Strangler or Ted Bundy or Featherhead, for god sake.”
“Featherhead?” Van Patten asks. “Who’s Featherhead? He sounds exceptionally dangerous.”
“He means Leatherface,” I say, teeth tightly clenched. “Leatherface. He was part of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
“Oh.” Van Patten smiles politely. “Of course.”
“And he was exceptionally dangerous,” I say.
“And now okay, go on. Bruce Boyer, what did he do?” McDermott demands, releasing a sigh, rolling his eyes up. “Let’s see—skin them alive? Starve them to death? Run them over? Feed them to dogs? What?”
“You guys,” I say, shaking my head, then teasingly admit, “He did something far worse.”
“Like what—take them to dinner at McManus’s new restaurant?” McDermott asks.
“That would do it,” Van Patten agrees. “Did you go? It was grubby, wasn’t it?”
“Did you have the meat loaf?” McDermott asks.
“The meat loaf?” Van Patten’s in shock. “What about the interior. What about the f*cking tablecloths?”
“But did you have the meat loaf?” McDermott presses.
“Of course I had the meat loaf, and the squab, and the marlin,” Van Patten says.
“Oh god, I forgot about the marlin,” McDermott groans. “The marlin chili.”
“After reading Miller’s review in the Times, who in their right mind wouldn’t order the meat loaf, or the marlin for that matter?”
“But Miller got it wrong,” McDermott says. “It was just grubby. The quesadilla with papaya? Usually a good dish, but there, Jesus.” He whistles, shaking his head.
“And cheap,” Van Patten adds.
“So cheap.” McDermott is in total agreement. “And the watermelon-brittle tart—”
“Gentlemen.” I cough. “Ahem. I hate to interrupt, but …”
“Okay, okay, go on,” McDermott says. “Tell us more about Charles Moyer.”
“Bruce Boyer,” I correct him. “He was the author of Elegance: A Guide to Quality in Menswear.” Then as an aside, “And no, Craig, he wasn’t a serial killer in his spare time.”
“What did Brucie baby have to say?” McDermott asks, chewing on ice.
“You’re a clod. It’s an excellent book. His theory remains we shouldn’t feel restricted from wearing a sweater vest with a suit,” I say. “Did you hear me call you a clod?”
“Yeah.”
“But doesn’t he point out that a vest shouldn’t overpower the suit?” Van Patten offers tentatively.
“Yes …” I’m mildly irritated that Van Patten has done his homework but asks for advice nonetheless. I calmly continue. “With discreet pinstripes you should wear a subdued blue or charcoal gray vest. A plaid suit would call for a bolder vest.”
“And remember,” McDermott adds, “with a regular vest the last button should be left undone.”
I glance sharply at McDermott. He smiles, sips his drink and then smacks his lips, satisfied.
“Why?” Van Patten wants to know.
“It’s traditional,” I say, still glaring at McDermott. “But it’s also more comfortable.”
“Will wearing suspenders help the vest sit better?” I hear Van Patten ask.
“Why?” I ask, turning to face him.
“Well, since you avoid the …” He stops, stuck, looking for the right word.
“Encumbrance of—?” I begin.
“The belt buckle?” McDermott finishes.
“Sure,” Van Patten says.
“You have to remember—” Again I’m interrupted by McDermott.
“Remember that while the vest should be in keeping with the color and the style of the suit, completely avoid matching the vest’s pattern with your socks or tie,” McDermott says, smiling at me, at Van Patten.
“I thought you hadn’t read this … this book,” I stammer angrily. “You just told me you couldn’t tell the difference between Bruce Boyer and … and John Wayne Gacy.”
“It came back to me.” He shrugs.
“Listen.” I turn back to Van Patten, finding McDermott’s one-upmanship totally cheap. “Wearing argyle socks with an argyle vest will look too studied.”
“You think so?” he asks.
“You’ll look like you consciously worked for this look,” I say, then, suddenly upset, turn back to McDermott. “Featherhead? How in the hell did you get Featherhead from Leatherface?”
“Ah, cheer up, Bateman,” he says, slapping me on the back, then massaging my neck. “What’s the matter? No shiatsu this morning?”
“Keep touching me like this,” I say, eyes shut tight, entire body wired and ticking, coiled up ready, wanting to spring, “and you’ll draw back a stump.”
“Whoa, hold on there, little buddy,” McDermott says, backing off in mock fear. The two of them giggle like idiots and give each other high-five, completely unaware that I’d cut his hands off, and much more, with pleasure.
The three of us, David Van Patten, Craig McDermott and myself, are sitting in the dining room of the Yale Club at lunch. Van Patten is wearing a glen-plaid wool-crepe suit from Krizia Uomo, a Brooks Brothers shirt, a tie from Adirondack and shoes by Cole-Haan. McDermott is wearing a lamb’s wool and cashmere blazer, worsted wool flannel trousers by Ralph Lauren, a shirt and tie also by Ralph Lauren and shoes from Brooks Brothers. I’m wearing a tick-weave wool suit with a windowpane overplaid, a cotton shirt by Luciano Barbera, a tie by Luciano Barbera, shoes from Cole-Haan and nonprescription glasses by Bausch & Lomb. The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Nazis and, inexplicably, I got a real charge out of watching it. Though I wasn’t exactly charmed by their deeds, I didn’t find them unsympathetic either, nor I might add did most of the members of the audience. One of the Nazis, in a rare display of humor, even juggled grapefruits and, delighted, I sat up in bed and clapped.
Luis Carruthers sits five tables away from this one, dressed as if he’d had some kind of frog attack this morning—he’s wearing an unidentifiable suit from some French tailor; and if I’m not mistaken the bowler hat on the floor beneath his chair also belongs to him—it has Luis written all over it. He smiles but I pretend not to have noticed. I worked out at Xclusive for two hours this morning and since the three of us have taken the rest of the afternoon off, we’re all getting massages. We haven’t ordered yet, in fact we haven’t even seen menus. We’ve just been drinking. A bottle of champagne is what Craig originally wanted, but David shook his head vehemently and said “Out, out, out” when this was suggested and so we ordered drinks instead. I keep watching Luis and whenever he looks over at our table I tip my head back and laugh even if what Van Patten or McDermott’s saying isn’t particularly funny, which is practically always. I’ve perfected my fake response to a degree where it’s so natural-sounding that no one notices. Luis stands up, wipes his mouth with a napkin and glances over here again before exiting the dining area and, I’m supposing, goes to the men’s room.
“But there’s a limit,” Van Patten is saying. “The point is, I mean, I don’t want to spend the evening with the Cookie Monster.”
“But you’re still dating Meredith so, uh, what’s the difference?” I ask. Naturally he doesn’t hear.
“But ditsy is cute,” McDermott says. “Ditsy is very cute.”
“Bateman?” Van Patten asks. “Any style opinions on ditsiness?”
“What?” I ask, getting up.
“Ditsy? No?” McDermott this time. “Ditsy’s desirable, comprende?”
“Listen,” I say, pushing my chair in. “I just want everyone to know that I’m pro-family and anti-drug. Excuse me.”
As I walk away Van Patten grabs a passing waiter and says, his voice fading, “Is this tap water? I don’t drink tap water. Bring me an Evian or something, okay?”
Would Courtney like me less if Luis was dead? This is the question I have to face, with no clear answer burning back across my mind, as I make my way slowly through the dining room, waving to someone who looks like Vincent Morrison, someone else who I’m fairly sure is someone who looks like Tom Newman. Would Courtney spend more time with me—the time she now spends with Luis—if he was out of the picture, no longer an alternative, if he was perhaps … dead? If Luis were killed would Courtney be upset? Could I genuinely be of comfort without laughing in her face, my own spite doubling back on me, giving everything away? Is the fact that she dates me behind his back what excites her, my body or the size of my dick? Why, for that matter, do I want to please Courtney? If she likes me only for my muscles, the heft of my cock, then she’s a shallow bitch. But a physically superior, near-perfect-looking shallow bitch, and that can override anything, except maybe bad breath or yellow teeth, either of which is a real deal-breaker. Would I ruin things by strangling Luis? If I married Evelyn would she make me buy her Lacroix gowns until we finalized our divorce? Have the South African colonial forces and the Soviet-backed black guerrillas found peace yet in Namibia? Or would the world be a safer, kinder place if Luis was hacked to bits? My world might, so why not? There really is no … other hand. It’s really even too late to be asking these questions since now I’m in the men’s room, staring at myself in the mirror—tan and haircut perfect—checking out my teeth which are completely straight and white and gleaming. Winking at my reflection I breathe in, sliding on a pair of leather Armani gloves, and then make my way toward the stall Luis occupies. The men’s room is deserted. All the stalls are empty except for the one at the end, the door not locked, left slightly ajar, the sound of Luis whistling something from Les Misérables getting almost oppressively louder as I approach.
He’s standing in the stall, his back to me, wearing a cashmere blazer, pleated wool trousers, a cotton-silk white shirt, pissing into the toilet. I can tell he senses movement in the stall because he stiffens noticeably and the sound of his urine hitting water stops abruptly in midstream. In slow motion, my own heavy breathing blocking out all other sounds, my vision blurring slightly around the edges, my hands move up over the collar of his cashmere blazer and cotton-flannel shirt, circling his neck until my thumbs meet at the nape and my index fingers touch each other just above Luis’s Adam’s apple. I start to squeeze, tightening my grip, but it’s loose enough to let Luis turn around—still in slow motion—so he can stand facing me, one hand over his wool and silk Polo sweater, the other hand reaching up. His eyelids flutter for an instant, then widen, which is exactly what I want. I want to see Luis’s face contort and turn purple and I want him to know who it is who is killing him. I want to be the last face, the last thing, that Luis sees before he dies and I want to cry out, “I’m f*cking Courtney. Do you hear me? I’m f*cking Courtney. Ha-ha-ha,” and have these be the last words, the last sounds he hears until his own gurglings, accompanied by the crunching of his trachea, drown everything else out. Luis stares at me and I tense the muscles in my arms, preparing myself for a struggle that, disappointingly, never comes.
Instead he looks down at my wrists and for a moment wavers, as if he’s undecided about something, and then he lowers his head and … kisses my left wrist, and when he looks back up at me, shyly, it’s with an expression that’s … loving and only part awkward. His right hand reaches up and tenderly touches the side of my face. I stand there, frozen, my arms still stretched out in front of me, fingers still circled around Luis’s throat.
“God, Patrick,” he whispers. “Why here?”
His hand is playing with my hair now. I look over at the side of the stall, where someone has scratched into the paint Edwin gives marvelous head, and I’m still paralyzed in this position and gazing at the words, confused, studying the frame surrounding the words as if that contained an answer, a truth. Edwin? Edwin who? I shake my head to clear it and look back at Luis, who has this horrible, love-struck grin plastered on his face, and I try to squeeze harder, my face twisted with exertion, but I can’t do it, my hands won’t tighten, and my arms, still stretched out, look ludicrous and useless in their fixed position.
“I’ve seen you looking at me,” he says, panting. “I’ve noticed your”—he gulps—“hot body.”
He tries to kiss me on the lips but I back away, into the stall door, accidentally closing it. I drop my hands from Luis’s neck and he takes them and immediately places them back. I drop them once again and stand there contemplating my next move, but I’m immobile.
“Don’t be … shy,” he says.
I take a deep breath, close my eyes, count to ten, open them and make a helpless attempt to lift my arms back up to strangle Luis, but they feel weighed down and lifting them becomes an impossible task.
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted it.…” He’s sighing, rubbing my shoulders, trembling. “Ever since that Christmas party at Arizona 206. You know the one, you were wearing that red striped paisley Armani tie.”
For the first time I notice his pants are still unzipped and calmly and without difficulty I turn out of the stall and move over to a sink to wash my hands, but my gloves are still on and I don’t want to take them off. The bathroom at the Yale Club suddenly seems to me to be the coldest room in the universe and I shudder involuntarily. Luis trails behind, touching my jacket, leaning next to me at the sink.
“I want you,” he says in a low, faggoty whisper and when I slowly turn my head to glare at him, while hunched over the sink, seething, my eye contact radiating revulsion, he adds, “too.”
I storm out of the men’s room, bumping into Brewster Whipple, I think. I smile at the ma?tre d’ and after shaking his hand I make a run for the closing elevator but I’m too late and I cry out, pounding a fist against the doors, cursing. Composing myself, I notice the ma?tre d’ conferring with a waiter, the two of them looking my way questioningly, and so I straighten up, smile shyly and wave at them. Luis strides over calmly, still grinning, flushed, and I just stand there and let him walk up to me. He says nothing.
“What … is … it?” I finally hiss.
“Where are you going?” he whispers, bewildered.
“I … I’ve gotta …” Stumped, I look around the crowded dining room, then back at Luis’s quivering, yearning face. “I’ve gotta return some videotapes,” I say, jabbing at the elevator button, then, my patience shot, I start to walk away and head back toward my table.
“Patrick,” he calls out.
I whirl around. “What?”
He mouths “I’ll call you” with this expression on his face that lets me know, that assures me, my “secret” is safe with him. “Oh my god,” I practically gag, and shaking visibly I sit back at our table, completely defeated, my gloves still on, and gulp down the rest of a watery J&B on the rocks. As soon as I’ve seated myself Van Patten asks, “Hey Bateman, what’s the right way to wear a tie bar or clasp?”
“While a tie holder is by no means required businesswear, it adds to a clean, neat overall appearance. But the accessory shouldn’t dominate the tie. Choose a simple gold bar or a small clip and place it at the lower end of the tie at a downward forty-five-degree angle.”