Eight
Cats and Robots and One Last Vicious Truth
Every time I get teleported anywhere, I end up watching my whole life flashing before my eyes. Or at least, edited highlights. Most of it seemed to make some kind of sense at the time. I live in fear that someday Someone will find a way to slip in commercials.
Suzie and the Collector and I materialized out of nowhere, surrounded by thick clouds of noxious black smoke. Merlin learned his magic in the Old School, and still believed in traditional effects. Suzie batted at the smoke with her hand, swearing harshly in between racking coughs, while I checked to make sure I still had two of everything I should have. You can’t be too careful with other people’s teleport spells. Hidden extractor fans soon sucked most of the black smoke away, and we were able to take a clear look at our surroundings. We’d arrived in an almost blindingly technicolor reception area, with bright hanging silks for walls, dyed in every color of the rainbow, and twice as gaudy, while thick checkerboard padding covered the floor and the ceiling. My feet sank deeply into the cushioned floor, and walking across it I rose and fell so suddenly that I almost felt seasick. The air smelled strongly of something very like pine. Suzie glared about her suspiciously, the shotgun in her hands, but there were no obvious threats.
The Collector brushed aside one hanging silk to reveal a small high-tech console, all gleaming steel and crystal displays. He stabbed at the controls with his podgy fingers, ignoring everything else, while muttering something to his console that sounded suspiciously like Daddy’s home . I was more concerned with the fact that I couldn’t see a door anywhere. Suzie finished her coughing by hacking up what sounded like half a lung, and then spat viciously on the padded floor.
“I wish Merlin would get over his need for flashy special effects,” she growled. “That smoke always plays hell with my sinuses.”
“Boys and their toys,” I said. “We have to allow Merlin his little eccentricities. Because if we don’t, he’ll probably turn us into frogs. Collector, what are you doing?”
“Shutting down some of my internal security systems,” he snapped, without looking round. “I have all kinds of hidden protections here, and I don’t want them all opening fire on you the moment you enter my warehouse. Some of my collection might get damaged. I have to be careful. There are always people trying to break in and steal my precious things. Bastards!”
“The nerve of some people,” I murmured. “Thinking they could steal some of the many things you’ve stolen.”
The Collector said nothing, still hunched over his console. I bounced a few times on the padded floor, checking my weight. If we really were somewhere under the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon, someone had gone to a lot of trouble to make things feel like home. The gravity, air, and temperature all seemed perfectly normal. Which suggested that the Collector must have a lot more high-tech hidden away somewhere else. Suzie prowled restlessly back and forth in the confined space, poking at the hanging silks with the barrel of her gun. She jabbed at the padded floor with one boot heel and sniffed loudly.
“I always said you belonged in a padded cell, Collector.”
“I believe in being comfortable and indulging myself,” he said, finally turning away from his console. “The padding is there to protect me in the event of sudden, unexpected fluctuations in the artificial gravity. Most of the tech that keeps this place running comes from a possible future I visited, and I have to admit I’m not fully sure how all of it works. I know which buttons to push, but the minute anything goes wrong, I have to fall back on trial and error. Mostly I let my robots run things. You’ll meet them later.”
“That’s the trouble with looting,” I said. “There’s so rarely enough time to grab the instruction manual as well.”
“I do not loot! I collect and preserve!”
“So where is this famous collection?” said Suzie. “Don’t tell me we came all this way to hang around what looks suspiciously like a tart’s boudoir? We are on something of a tight schedule, remember?”
“Right through here,” said the Collector, a little sullenly. “Follow me.”
He ducked past a deep puce hanging silk and opened a concealed door. He gestured for Suzie and me to go first, but neither of us was having any of that. We made him go first, then followed quickly on his heels as he led us into the biggest damned warehouse I have ever seen. It seemed to stretch away forever, the walls so far off I couldn’t even see them. There was no ceiling, just a bright unfocussed glow from somewhere up above. And filling this gigantic warehouse; thousands upon thousands of wooden crates, in every size you could think of. They were stacked in towering piles, each marked with a stenciled number. Narrow aisles ran between them. I looked around, trying to get some idea of the size of the collection, but the sheer number of crates numbed my brain. There was nothing on display, nothing to admire or examine. Just crates.
“This is it ?” said Suzie, wrinkling her nose.
“Yes it is, and don’t touch anything !” the Collector said severely. “I’ve shut down the hidden guns, but my robots are still programmed to protect my collection from any and all harm. I may have to allow your presence for a while, but that’s as far as I’ll go. You’re here for one object only, and I will get that for you. Luckily I was only just packing it up when Merlin grabbed me. I can see I’m going to have to upgrade my security again.”
“Somehow, I’d always pictured something more impressive,” said Suzie. “Don’t you ever put any of the good stuff out, so you can play with it?”
The Collector winced. “It’s much safer this way. I don’t encourage visitors, and for me, owning an item is everything. All right, when I first obtain a piece, I do get a certain satisfaction out of holding it, examining it, enjoying all its many qualities… I do like to examine every detail… close-up…”
“If he starts to drool, I may puke,” said Suzie, and I had to nod in agreement.
The Collector scowled at both of us. “ But , once the initial thrill is over, I immediately pack it safely away in here. It’s the thrill of the chase I really enjoy. That, and the knowledge that I’ve done my rivals dirt, that I’ve got my hands on something, and they haven’t. I do so love to crow and preen in all the best newsgroups … And, of course, everything is computer-scanned before it’s put into storage, so I can visit it again at my leisure in virtual mode. After all, some of the more delicate items aren’t up to too much… handling. And it’s so much easier to find an item on a computer menu than try to dig through all this lot looking for one particular item.”
That was when the first of the robots made its appearance, and Suzie and I immediately lost all interest in what the Collector was saying. The metal figure came striding down the narrow aisle towards us on impossibly slender legs, a tall and spindly thing of shining steel and brass, its clean lines the very definition of art deco. It advanced on us smoothly, unhurriedly, its every movement impossibly graceful. The robot was vaguely humanoid in shape, though the squarish head had been cast to resemble a stylized cat’s features, right down to jutting steel whiskers and glowing slit-pupiled eyes. The long-fingered hands ended in vicious claws. More robots appeared silently out of the many interconnecting aisles, until we were faced by a small army of cat-faced automatons. I thought I could detect a faint humming from them, so high it was only just in the range of my hearing. The seemed to be talking to each other. The Collector smiled on them fondly. Suzie’s shotgun moved restlessly back and forth in her hands, seeking a target.
“Relax, Suzie,” said the Collector. “They’re only looking you over. Getting used to your presence. Strangers make them nervous. I had them programmed that way. Nothing like a spot of paranoia to keep a guard on his toes. I picked this lot up in a particularly good deal from another possible future. They have basic limited AIs, built around polymerized cat’s brains. Simple, obedient, and marvelously malicious when they have to be. They do so enjoy a good chase … and the torture afterwards. The purr-fect protectors for my collection. They built this whole place for me and run it in my absence. Far better than any fallible human guards, and besides, I don’t care for company these days. I prefer to be alone, with my things. My lovely things.”
“No offence, Collector,” said Suzie, “but you are seriously weird, even for the Nightside.”
“For someone who wasn’t trying to offend, I thought you did awfully well,” I said.
“Is all well, master?” said one of the cat-faced robots, in a thrilling female contralto that made Suzie and me look at the Collector in a whole new way.
“All is well,” the Collector said grandly. “You may all return to your regular duties. My guests will not be staying long. I’ll call if I have need of you.”
“As you wish, master,” said the robot, then they all turned smoothly on their steel heels and disappeared back into the many narrow aisles of the warehouse. Suzie watched carefully until they were all gone, then turned back to the beaming Collector.
“Do they all have to call you master?”
“Of course.”
“Doesn’t that get creepy after a while?”
“No. Why should it?”
“Don’t go there, Suzie,” I said. “We really don’t have the time.”
The Collector led the way down a narrow aisle that to the untrained eye looked exactly like all the others, and Suzie and I followed after him, pulling faces behind his back. We stuck close; the hundreds of interconnecting passageways made up a maze it would clearly be only too easy to get thoroughly lost in. I let my eyes drift over the many crates and cases we passed; a few were labeled as well as numbered. One label said Antarctic Expedition 1936; Do not open till the Elder Ones return . The exterior of the crate was covered in frost, despite the uncomfortable warmth of the warehouse. A much larger crate was labeled simply Roswell 1947 . It had air holes. Something inside the crate was growling, in a thoroughly pissed off way. And one crate standing on its own levitated proudly a few inches off the floor. I don’t know what was inside that crate, but it smelled awful. Suzie drew my attention to a smaller box that was juddering fiercely, almost shaking itself apart. I tapped the Collector politely on the shoulder, and indicated the box.
“What the hell have you got in there?”
“Perpetual motion machine,” said the Collector. “Can’t figure out how to turn the damned thing off.”
“You have so much amazing stuff here,” I said. “Who do you share it with? Who else gets to see all the marvels and wonders you’ve acquired?”
“No-one, of course,” he said, looking at me as though I was crazy.
“But… doesn’t half the fun of collecting lie in showing off your treasures to someone else?”
“No,” said the Collector firmly. “It’s all to do with ownership. With knowing it’s mine, all mine. I do like to rub my rivals’ noses in it, now and again; show them proof that I have some hotly contested item that we’ve all been after. I drive them crazy with jealousy, then laugh in their faces. But in the end it wouldn’t matter to me if no-one knew what I had but me. It’s enough to know that I’ve won. That I’m the best.”
“That’s all this is?” said Suzie. “Whoever dies with the most toys wins?”
The Collector shrugged. “I don’t give a damn what happens to any of this stuff once I’m dead and gone. Let it rot, for all I care. I collect because … it’s what I’m good at. The only thing I’ve ever been good at. And things … possessions … can’t hurt you. Can’t leave you.”
For a moment there, he actually looked human, and vulnerable. It didn’t suit him.
“Do you want us to keep quiet about the things we’ve seen here?” I asked.
“Hell no!” he said immediately, all his usual obnoxiousness returning in a moment. “Tell everyone! Drive them mad with curiosity and envy! My problem has always been that I can’t prove how big my collection is without bringing people here to see it, and, of course, I can’t do that. They’d only betray me and try to steal something. There are people who’ve spent their whole lives plotting how to get in here…”
“You weren’t always the Collector,” I said. “I’ve seen photos of you, with my father, from when you were both younger. What were you … before this?”
He looked at me, not bothering to hide his surprise. “I thought you knew. I worked for the Authorities, along with Walker and your father. Protecting the Nightside. We were all such friends, in those days. We had such plans, such hopes… but in the end it turned out we all had different plans and different hopes. I retired, before they could fire me, and set up on my own. One day I’ll own the whole damned Nightside. And then I’ll make them listen to me.”
I was so fascinated by what he was saying and its implications that I didn’t notice all the robots sneaking up on us. Suzie did. Nothing gets past her. She realized I was mesmerized by the Collector’s hints an allusions, and elbowed me firmly in the ribs. I looked up and found we were surrounded by ranks and ranks of the cat-faced robots, standing perfectly still and silent, watching coldly with their glowing cat’s eyes. There were hundreds of the damned things. The Collector realized that I’d finally noticed and stopped talking in mid sentence to laugh cheerfully in my face. He was well out of reach, and I had more sense than to try and make a grab for him. The robots looked decidedly … menacing.
“I had to keep going until enough of my boys arrived,” he said, almost giggling with self-satisfaction. “You didn’t really think you could see my collection and my home, with all its secrets, and live, did you? To hell with Merlin, and the angels; nothing can touch me here. I’m protected by spells and tech beyond your imagination, and Merlin won’t catch me napping twice. The Unholy Grail is my greatest prize, the jewel of my collection, and I won’t give it up! I’ll never give it up! I’d just stay here, safe on the Moon, until all this nonsense has blown over. And long before then, you’ll be in no condition to betray my secrets to anyone. Perhaps I’ll have what’s left of you stuffed and mounted. Something to brighten up the reception area.”
“You’d kill the son of an old friend?” I said.
“Of course,” said the Collector. “Why not?”
He gestured to the waiting robots, and they surged forward in perfect unison. Suzie opened fire with her shotgun, blasting robots as fast as she could work the pump action. The robots shattered under the bullets’ impact, flying apart in showers of steel and brass shrapnel that had us all ducking for cover. Suzie kept firing, grinning fiercely as robots blew apart before her. Either she’d found a whole new kind of ammunition for her gun, or they didn’t build robots to last in the future.
It helped that the narrow aisles meant the robots could only come at us a few at a time. Suzie and I put our backs to the wall of crates, while the Collector danced back and forth in the background, crying out miserably as some of his crates were inevitably damaged or destroyed by the exploding robots. Suzie pulled grenades from her belt, and lobbed half a dozen where they’d do the most good. Robots and crates blew apart in bowel-churning explosions, and for a while it seemed to be raining machine parts. The Collector cried out for Suzie to stop, and when she didn’t, he ran from crate to crate, prying them open and looking inside, searching for some weapon or device he could use against us. He didn’t seem to be having much luck. Suzie reloaded the shotgun from her bandoliers and went back to blowing robots apart like metal ducks in a shooting gallery. She was grinning widely now, her eyes hot and happy.
But the robots kept pressing forward, forward, and there didn’t seem to be any end to their numbers. The Collector must have got a job lot. One of them go close enough to take a swipe at me with a clawed hand, and I decided enough was enough. This far from the Nightside, I didn’t have to worry about the angels seizing my soul again. So I opened my third eye, my private eye, and used my gift to locate the automatic shutdown commands in the robots’ minds. I knew they had to be there. The Collector didn’t trust anyone, not even his own creatures. He had to have a way to shut down the robots in case they ever turned against him. I hit the commands I’d found in those clever polymerized cat’s brains, and all the robots froze suddenly in mid motion. A few of them had got worryingly close. Suzie slowly lowered the smoking shotgun, took a deep breath, and turned to look at me.
“You could have done that at any time, couldn’t you?”
“Actually, yes.”
“Then why did you wait so long!”
“You looked like you were having fun.”
Suzie considered that for a moment, then smiled and nodded. “You’re right. I was. Thank you, Taylor. You always did know how to show a girl a good time.”
“All vicious gossip, rumors and lies,” I said. “Collector… Collector? Where are you?”
We found him not far away, slumped exhausted and weeping over another open crate. Whatever it held was buried in plastic packing pieces. The Collector stirred them miserably with one hand, then looked up at us. He spat at me, but his heart wasn’t in it.
“Look at what you’ve done … so many lovely things destroyed… It’ll take me weeks just to find out how much I’ve lost. Bullies, both of you. No respect for art, for the treasures of centuries… And I have weapons here! Great weapons, that would stop even you! I have the Horn of Jericho, Grendel’s Bane, even the legendary lost Sword of the Daun. But I can’t find them!”
“Show us the Unholy Grail,” I said, not unkindly. “The sooner you hand it over, the sooner we’ll be gone.”
The Collector nodded a few times, sniffing back tears, and finally dug his hands deep into the packing pieces before him.
“I was packing it away when Merlin grabbed me. It is my greatest prize, but… the dark chalice is too disturbing to have around. The air’s always cold, the shadows have eyes, and I hear voices, whispering… things. Ah. Here.”
He brought out a small beaten copper bowl, gleaming dully in the subdued lighting. It was dented and dull and not at all impressive. We all looked at it for a long moment, then the Collector offered it to us. I hesitated to touch the thing.
“That’s it ?” said Suzie. “ That ’s the dark chalice, the Unholy Grail? The cup Judas drank from at the Last Supper? That miserable-looking thing?”
“What were you expecting?” said the Collector, smiling just a little at one last chance to show off his expertise. “You thought perhaps it would be some great silver chalice, studded with jewels? Romantic medieval claptrap. The Disciples were a bunch of poor fishermen. This is the kind of thing they drank out of.”
“It’s the real deal,” I said. “I can feel it from here. It’s like every bad thought you ever had, wrapped up in one never-ending nightmare.”
“Yeah,” said Suzie. “Like it’s poisoning the air, just by existing.”
The Collector looked at me slyly. “You could keep it for yourself, Taylor. You could. This simple cup is powerful beyond all your wildest fantasies. It could make you rich, worshipped, adored. It can satisfy every dirty little yearning in your soul. It has the answer to every question you ever had. The truth about your past, your enemies… even your mother.”
I looked at the Unholy Grail, and it was like looking into the heart of temptation. Suzie watched me carefully, but said nothing. She trusted me to do the right thing. And in the end, perhaps it was that trust that gave me the strength to turn away.
“Put it in a bag, Collector. I wouldn’t dirty my hands by touching it.”
The Collector pulled an airline carry-on bag out of the packing pieces and stuffed the Unholy Grail into it. He almost seemed relieved. I took the bag and slung the strap over my shoulder.
“Merlin!” I said, raising my voice. “I know you’re listening. We’ve got it. Bring us home.”
Merlin’s magic gathered about us, preparing to teleport Suzie and me back to Strangefellows, and the waiting angels. And in the last possible moment, when the Collector was sure the teleport spell had been activated and couldn’t be stopped, he stepped forward and shouted one last vicious hurt.
“You’re not the only one who can find things, Taylor! There was a time I used to take commissions, in return for help in establishing my collection. I found your father for your mother! I put them together. Everything you are is because of me!”
I went for his throat with furious hands, but Suzie and I were already fading away. The last thing I heard on the Moon was the Collector laughing, loud and bitterly, as though his heart would break.